Worried about daughter’s boyfriend and lack of contact or replies

[Craftyclaws04]

Hi, my daughter has been seeing this guy for around 10 months. He picks her up on a Friday and go to his house, then he drops her off Saturday night because my daughter likes to go to church Sunday morning.They live around 20 miles away from eachother and she doesn't drive. I have only met him twice so far, and he barely spoke to me. My daughter sent me a message from his phone a week ago, telling me her phone had broken and to contact me through his messenger account to which I replied to. I sent him a message last night and he's not replied, and it states 'message request'above it. I don't have a good feeling about him, but my daughter would defend him if I mentioned something to her. Any advice please?

He might be shy / nervous / anxious and not feel comfortable around people he doesn't know?

He might just not want to meet her family yet as it's still relatively new?

He might be thinking of breaking up with your daughter and doesn't want to make it awkward by keeping his distance?

None of it is your business! And you're just using the "texting him thanks for the pies" rubbish as your way to try and insert yourself into their relationship.

Also, why on earth did you get him a Christmas present when they'd only been together 6 months?! You're massively overstepping the mark here.

Multiple people have told you it’s weird.

Thank you, I've done nothing but tried to be nice towards him. I think he's using her and hiding something. She's also been very moody lately.

YES!!! He gave your daughter some pies that he didn't like. Nothing to do with you. And no need for you to message him. You're just trying to justify your reasons for not liking him.

That's rubbish, ive tried everything to be nice towards him.

@Craftyclaws04 Your adult daughter's relationship is absolutely nothing to do with you.

Apart from her being "a bit moody" recently, absolutely nothing you have said is a red flag or indicative of anything untoward.

Leave her alone to conduct her own life / relationship.

He might be shy, but she's met all his family though!

I Can’t remember it in’s and outs but when someone who’s not a FB friend messages me it comes up differently not obvious and you accept or block it VERY easy to miss
on mine it appears at the bottom of the list

You are overstepping normal boundaries OP in the name of good manners.

Your initial post gave entirely the wrong impression, people were concerned, subsequent posts indicate that perhaps you are the problem.

"She's also been very moody lately" could it possibly be because you are overstepping and he is finding it uncomfortable and telling her so?

Can't you see that this guy is, your daughter's boyfriend, she has the relationship with him, not you, you are not his buddy, you are his girlfriend's mother!

It's far too early for that, our children will, inevitably, have several partners before they find their lifetime one.

You are coming across as somewhat domineering @Craftyclaws04 fgs, this is your daughter's relationship to navigate, don't you trust her?

But it's okay for her to meet all his family?

Oh my god.

this is not your relationship, you are merely a sideline, just because you feel "slighted" and he doesn't want to engage with you, do not kid yourself that your interactions and trying to elicit a response from him, are purely manner based!!

Nonsense! @Craftyclaws04

Your poor daughter, let her breathe

Do you have expectations about her attending church with you?

If you've previously communicated on messenger and now your messages are going into his requests, then yes he's restricted you or something, which is odd tbh. Why would he do that? So I agree with you there. Also disagree with most of these replies as you sense something is off with him and want to protect your daughter - normal response as a mum. Maybe he's not met your family as he lives further away and she's the one going there (hence why she's met his family but not the other way around). You'll just have to see how it plays out, I guess, unless something really obvious happens which validates your concerns.

Yes?

This post has very similar energy: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5503897-aibu-to-think-dds-friend-got-a-buzz-cut-to-spite-her?page=1

So, either this is the same OP (and they’re either disturbed or a very specific sort of troll) or there are multiple mums like this and they’ve decided to descend on MN at the exact same time.

If you don't let go your stranglehold on your daughter you risk losing her forever, if not to this man then to another one later on.

Has it occurred to you that she is trying to keep you and her boyfriend apart?
That she is sick of you domineering and inserting yourself into her life?

I am guessing she is an only child.
You need to let her grow up and go her own way, whilst you find other things in your life to focus on.
Then with luck she will emotionally come back to you in time.
The harder you cling, the more counter-productive it is.

If you haven’t friended each other on Facebook, then your messages will automatically go into his message requests.

You still haven’t come up with any real reasons that he might have done something wrong, other than that he isn’t very interested in you.

To be honest, if the OP’s messages to him were anything like her communication style on here, I don’t think it would be at all strange for him to restrict her.

Its a mystery, cant think of any possible reason for this 😂

Sometimes its not them, its you.

'Sorry but I was brought up with manners' is about the most passive-aggressive comment I've ever read. In fact everything you've posted sounds like passive-aggressive interference to me. You've met the boyfriend twice, why would you buy him a Christmas present? You say your daughter is in her 20s, and I'm betting that's late 20s. She entitled to a life of her own and in particular a private life of her own, and she's entitled to have someone in her life who is more important to her than you are. Back off.

She's an adult, she can meet whomever she wishes. He's also an adult and doesn't seem to want to be involved in your rules for dating your daughter. Maybe she doesn't want him around you.

I lived with an ex for 4 years, he never met my mother. My choice.

Is she your only child?