Worried about daughter’s boyfriend and lack of contact or replies

[Craftyclaws04]

Hi, my daughter has been seeing this guy for around 10 months. He picks her up on a Friday and go to his house, then he drops her off Saturday night because my daughter likes to go to church Sunday morning.They live around 20 miles away from eachother and she doesn't drive. I have only met him twice so far, and he barely spoke to me. My daughter sent me a message from his phone a week ago, telling me her phone had broken and to contact me through his messenger account to which I replied to. I sent him a message last night and he's not replied, and it states 'message request'above it. I don't have a good feeling about him, but my daughter would defend him if I mentioned something to her. Any advice please?

Why are you phrasing it as him hiding something from you and not your DD?
Shes restricting herself from messenger if she won’t get her phone fixed.

She's now got her phone fixed, it's not her that's restricted me.

So she's a grown adult. And you're texting her boyfriend (under the pretence of thanking him for some pies) to try and interfere and insert yourself into their relationship. Very odd and completely overstepping the mark.

Also absolutely none of what you have said is even remotely concerning. They've been together 10 months. Spending Christmas together and meeting each others families doesn't even come into it until you know you're long term / going to get engaged / move in together. They're still just dating at this point.

So this is the message?
It doesn’t really warrant a reply surely.
He gave his girlfriend some pies, why are you messaging him about it?

I wasn't interfering, I told my daughter I'd thank him as I've been brought up with manners. I even bought him a Christmas present and he's not even thanked me for that!

@Craftyclaws04
"He gave her some pies as he doesn't like them and I just thanked him, so not it's not odd.

It is very odd, why are you enmeshing yourself into their relationship?

The pies were for her, required zero input from you.

Step away, it's reasonable to keep an eye out (if you're concerned) but definitely do not try to interact with your daughter's boyfriend, that is, indeed bizarre, imo ofc

edited for sp.

I’m massively confused what the issue is besides you clearly don’t like him

tbh I’d ignore you on messenger it’s weird a 20 year old mother contact you

Step away. My neighbour/friend’s DD also in early 20s moved in with an older man boyfriend last year and though her mum was happy for them it turns out afterwards she was a bit concerned about the age gap. The daughter is now back home and dating a man the same age as her.

Because I found out he restricted me. My daughter doesn't like the pies and said I could have them. Surely you don't think I'm being unreasonable to thank him? I'm sorry but I've been brought up with manners.

Surely that just means he’s left the message unread because he can see it all on his notification anyway.

I don’t think you needed to thank him, no. He didn’t give them to you, he gave them to his girlfriend and she then decided to give them to you. You thank the person who gave them to you which was your DD.
You’re being incredibly narrow minded with all this.

It's not weird to thank someone for something. I was just being polite! It's weird if you don't use manners, and thank someone for something, then restrict them off messenger!

But you're not genuinely just thanking him. You're using it a way to try and find out what's "wrong" with him.

When the reality is he's just a 20-something lad who doesn't want to text his (relatively new) girlfriend's mum.

No, I it stated message request before I sent him them message. So he clearly hasn't seen it and doesn't want any involvement with the rest of my family.

Then talk to her. Get her a new phone.
Point her to lists of what cobstitutes abuse

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I think the thanks wasn't needed as the pies weren't for you anyway but I can see why do you wanted to reach out and thank him. I also have adult kids and knowing and getting along with their girlfriends/boyfriends is important to me. Not as important as them being happy, but I definitely do want to have a cordial relationship with someone they consider important. I too would be suspiscious if either of them had a serious boyfriend/girlfriend who didn't bother getting to know me.

Back off but keep lines of communication open and supportive with your DD.

OK, ignoring the overall confusion...

Does she share other friends with him? What do his social media profiles say? Does he work etc?

I'd be doing some low-key online stalking TBH

otherwise he might just be shy/antisocial

You've met him twice and he barely spoke to you....yet you bought him a Christmas present? That's a bit full on. Perhaps he's not a churchgoer and it's a problem between them.

Why would he?!?! They've not even been together a year and are in their 20s!!!

I don't remember meeting / speaking to any of my boyfriend's families until we were serious (2-3 years down the line).

Did he break her phone?

If people have replied to eachother on messenger, they see eachother's messages. That's why I know he's restricted me. Is it normal to ignore your other half's parents messages? He also was very hesitant in meeting me, and not met the rest of the family. It's a red flag to me. I made him welcome when he came to my house.

I'm just curious why you all were using Messenger and not just normal texting or even a better app?

Because I was just being polite! Is it weird ffs?

He probably gets bad vibes from YOU. I wouldn't expect to meet a relatives bf/gf unless it's what they wanted. It doesn't make someone a walking red flag because they're not a social butterfly

you would do well to address your lack of boundaries @Craftyclaws04 your intervention has zero to do with manners!