Husband says we are separated while living together, when to sell?

[Adviceseeker35]

My husband walked out a month ago but then returned. I thought we were going to work on our marriage but he said we're separated and need to live separate lives. He's now in the spare room and he's clearing things out so he can get himself a bed. It's the first time in years the room has been tidy. At what point do we sell? I think he's happy to live like this long term ( he's getting the roof fixed and the aerial) but I don't know how much more I can take.

You need to gather up all the documentation that you can tax returns P 60s mortgage statements bank statement statements
And book yourself in with a solicitor ASAP

I would get legal advice and start the divorce process. 💐

Take a day off work if you have to so that you can do this unencumbered

I've been gathering documents and seeing a counsellor but he wants to leave it for four to six months and see how he feels. He's talking about how if we change our tv subscription but next year we'll be saving money.

Are you happy to wait while he makes up his mind what he wants to do?

He wants you to hang around for six months to see how he feels??? I’d confirm that your finances next year won’t be a joint matter, tell him being separated but living under the same roof is untenable (how would he feel if you brought another man home for example), and be clear that if he doesn’t want to work on things as a couple you will start divorce proceedings and want to put the house on the market.

Sorry but would you let him call the shots? I am going to assume there may be another party involved too on his side. Just ‘waiting to see how he feels’ means waiting to see how that pans out/if she leaves her partner/husband. He is stringing you along.

Just tell him that you are either married or divorcing. Take control.

You don't have to do things to his timetable. Tell him you want to get the house sold and move on. See a solicitor and do what you have to do to make this happen. Don't wait on him 'making up his mind' - he's probably got another woman waiting in the wings.

But how do you feel? If in 6 months he says he wants to stay together would you be happy with that?

What do you want?

Why is he getting to call out the shots?
If he’s unsure of how he feels and isn’t actually working on things, marriage counselling etc I’d be telling him he could f*ck off right now!

most men having affairs like to tell their gf that they’re separated but living together and that they sleep in the spare room. Obvs that’s not a definite but worth thinking about!

Where was he for the month? I suspect he left for someone else. She rejected/dumped him when their relationship became an actual reality. Back he comes to you, the 'back up' I imagine he is waiting to see if something better comes along before graciously deciding you are good enough.

If he wants separate lives then give it to him. No housework or cooking for him. Start to seperate your lives where feasible. Agree with gathering paperwork. See a solicitor for advice, start planning financial independence from him in case he dumps you and disappears or stops paying the mortgage etc.

It looks like he isn't on your team anymore. Stop being on his team.

He doesn’t get to choose though. You have a say, he left, you say ok I’m starting the divorce then - he left the marriage. He chose that. Your response is up to you.

Crack on with the divorce and get on with your life, he doesn't have to agree.
Waiting to see how he feels yeah right, I know how I feel ,shut the door behind you Joe.

Im sorry I wasnt clear in my first post. He only left for 2 nights then came back. I thought we were working on it but he said no.

I've asked if there's someone else but he says no, but he does love his therapist. I don't trust him.

I'd have the nice husband back but he's very Jekyll and Hyde, and the mean, cruel one I can live without. I feel like hes holding me back.

My counsellor says he's like a child and he's treating me like a mother.

Getting the house ready to sell over the spring/summer is much better than trying to sell over winter (which is where the time delay he's suggesting would put you.)
Get the ball rolling for formal separation/seeking a divorce, selling the house etc.
He's trying to call all the shots but you have to make a decision on what you want to happen. He's clearly not interested in working on the marriage!

He seems to think he’s your boss!

You take control and you tell him you are getting divorced.

Again, stop letting him call the shots. Take control of your own life.

He doesn't love you, he's just doing whatever suits him at any particular time. Never mind the impact on you.

Take the blinkers off, get angry. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.

Remember that even if you start the divorce online today you still have to have a 20 weeks cooling off period. That is FIVE MONTHS of limbo. Start the process asap.

Get the house decluttered and spring cleaned. Get it on the market as soon as possible, Spring is only a month away.

Get a solicitor and have a one off consultation to find out your rights and roughly how much you would be entitled to. Ask for your legal amount and then ask for the realistic amount. There is no point in spending £20k just to get that £10k you were legally entitled to. Be realistic.

Don't wait for him to decide.

He took me out for lunch today. Then when we went out shopping for our son brought himself a bed with no warning. He's driving me insane.

How much are you still doing for him?

Id start by asking myself if I was truly treating him like a lodger in my house, which is essentially what he is asking for.

So, no cooking or cleaning or laundry etc that benefits him. Don’t shop for his food or insure his car or buy birthday presents for his family.

Talk about a fair split of parenting and make sure that you are out of the house when he is parenting so that you don’t get drawn into just doing a,b,c to help.

He can’t have it both ways…..

Mate he’s taking the utter piss and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. When you break free you’ll see this clearly but the confusion is keeping you stuck. Don’t be confused, he’s a cunt and you need to actively remove yourself from this awful marriage. Good luck.

Sounds like a mid life crisis. I would quietly get on with life yourself.
Look into protecting yourself financially and emotionally.
If you are separated but living together then activities like cooking for him, going out together etc don’t happen. Because that happens when you are together and he says you are separated. Same for kisses/hugs etc.
Im sorry for this trouble. My husband had a mid life crisis a few years ago. It was hell. It really helped me to write down my boundaries be adopt a sort of emotional detachment. But I did also get very upset and need a lot of support from friends/family.

I think midlife crisis sums him up. I don't think he knows what separated and having separate lives means.

My counsellor said he's like a child as he wants me to be a mother figure for him doing housework and spending time together but then throwing a tantrum as he doesn't want to be touched or hugged. He won't touch me.

I think he's be shocked to find out I've started looking at houses and working out what I can afford, and where I could get furniture. Our son is not impressed with him

Move forward yourself.
Keep careful notes of his abuse of you.
Contact Women's aid.
How are you fixed financially and work wise?