Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we are separated while living together, when to sell?

72 replies

Adviceseeker35 · 14/03/2026 10:37

My husband walked out a month ago but then returned. I thought we were going to work on our marriage but he said we're separated and need to live separate lives. He's now in the spare room and he's clearing things out so he can get himself a bed. It's the first time in years the room has been tidy. At what point do we sell? I think he's happy to live like this long term ( he's getting the roof fixed and the aerial) but I don't know how much more I can take.

OP posts:
Sassylovesbooks · 14/03/2026 19:38

If you're separated, why did he take you to lunch, and why did you go???? If you're separated, then that means he does his own laundry, cooking etc. Don't sit around waiting for your husband to make a decision. If you can't live in the same house but separately, then tell him that you will be starting divorce proceedings and the house will need to be sold. Make it plain that you aren't dancing to his tune and take some control back.

Original poster
Adviceseeker35 · 14/03/2026 19:45

I've got a secure job ( as secure as things are nowadays) and I write a journal.

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 14/03/2026 20:33

Start divorce online. That’ll get his adult attention

Omgblueskys · 15/03/2026 10:47

Op get the house on the market now, what are you waiting for ??,
Divorce and selling the property could take you 12mo months, Divorce is 8 months minimum without any arguments, stop giving this man control

FreeRider · 15/03/2026 11:43

When I seperated from my 1st husband and started divorce proceedings, we had to live together for about 6 months - we'd already agreed he would buy me out, there wasn't much equity in the house, but he was trying to get away with only giving me a fraction of it.

During those 6 months he slept in the spare room and we did nothing together - no meals together, no socializing, nothing. When he wasn't at work 9 times out of 10 if he wasn't in the house I had no idea where he was (and vice versa).

I ended up with all the equity (about £7K, this was back in 1993) when I pointed out to him during one of our very rare conversations that he was the one who was going to have an asset that was already worth 8 times that. I also agreed not to touch his emergency service pension...

You need to start divorce proceedings and the house sale asap. Like others have pointed out, the house sale alone could take up to a year.

Original poster
Adviceseeker35 · 15/03/2026 15:30

It's his childhood home so I don't think he wants to sell, nor can be afford to buy me out. There's a lot more equity in the house compared to when we bought it.

He's currently building his new bed which really hurts. Could do it when I'm at work.

He's got his timeline of 4-6 months to see how HE feels.

OP posts:
Flannelfeet · 15/03/2026 15:32

Id put a pillow over his face while he was sleeping.

Sassylovesbooks · 15/03/2026 15:41

You are married, the house is an asset, regardless if it's his childhood home or not. If you divorce, he will either have to sell the house or buy you out...there won't be any other options. What does he think will happen if you divorce? That you'll just disappear quietly and leave him the house!!! You'd be doing yourself out of monies that you'd be legally entitled too!

SapphOhNo · 15/03/2026 15:43

Put in for divorce. Take charge of the situation

Don't do anything together. He doesnt get the benefits of your companionship whilst not being together

Original poster
Adviceseeker35 · 15/03/2026 15:44

I've been researching so I know what I'm entitled too plus I've had legal advice. The house would be 50/50. I've even been working out what houses I could afford using the equity.

I suspect that he's happy to live like this long term.

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 15/03/2026 15:54

Adviceseeker35 · 15/03/2026 15:44

I've been researching so I know what I'm entitled too plus I've had legal advice. The house would be 50/50. I've even been working out what houses I could afford using the equity.

I suspect that he's happy to live like this long term.

His happiness is not your concern. Focus on yours.

Dery · 15/03/2026 15:57

As PP have said, who cares what he wants? He thinks so little of you that he assumes you’ll just hang around while he makes all the decisions and calls all the shots. Work to your own needs and timetable, OP. Take some power back. I suggest a good start would be socialising as if you’re single. Go out with friends, make your own social arrangements, take up an extra hobby - do it all without consulting him and without reference to his convenience.

Original poster
Adviceseeker35 · 15/03/2026 16:03

Apart from the lovely presents and hugs from my son this has just made my day...

Bits are missing from his bed so if he wants to build it he's got to go back to the store now.

OP posts:
WhatNextImScared · 15/03/2026 16:10

Adviceseeker35 · 15/03/2026 16:03

Apart from the lovely presents and hugs from my son this has just made my day...

Bits are missing from his bed so if he wants to build it he's got to go back to the store now.

This has made me very happy for you OP. I love it when the universe throws you a bone!

He’s treating you very badly. Get yourself prepared and then give him a date when the house is going on the market/he leaves. Could you find somewhere to rent with your son for a period of time while the house is being dealt with? Ask your solicitor what rights you would have to force sale of the home during the divorce process…

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 15/03/2026 16:27

So if I’m reading this correctly, he thinks he’s in love with his therapist and now wants to separate, but still live with you while he decides what he wants to do.

Was he this selfish and cruel before he had feelings for his therapist? He surely can’t be deluded enough to believe they have a future - is he trying to keep you hanging on to see if that works out?

I think you are doing the right thing by taking back the power in this situation, it’s no longer his decision to make.

TwistedWonder · 15/03/2026 16:31

He wants to keep you as a back up plan while he gives his crush time to fall in love with him.

Make his choice for him - don’t be his fall back.

nothingcangowrongnow · 15/03/2026 16:32

Don’t worry about what he wants to do. Think what you want.

Original poster
Adviceseeker35 · 15/03/2026 16:40

@MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly

He's been like this for the past two years when he suddenly decided he had adhd and autism, and decided that we both needed therapy.

There was a previous therapist he adored who he said would fix everything ( he had a small breakdown and refused the doctor as he had this therapist) until he suddenly decided she was no good and said things he didn't understand. He'll dump this one too if she doesn't agree with him.

OP posts:
SleafordSods · 15/03/2026 16:48

Another saying start divorce proceedings yourself. You’ll be much more in control if the process if you do. Put a lock on your bedroom door too and definitely don’t sell until the financial order is in place. He could spaff his half of the equity up the wall then come after your share of you do.

SleafordSods · 15/03/2026 16:55

And I do agree, whether or not he can live like this is irrelevant. It sounds as though you would be much more happy in your own home, away from him Flowers

Original poster
Adviceseeker35 · 15/03/2026 17:20

I think we would be happier. He's currently annoyed with us as we're not eating the dinner from the slow cooker as we had dinner out earlier. At his suggestion

OP posts:
Bimblebombles · 16/03/2026 15:57

Another vote to get the divorce ball rolling.

Boomer55 · 16/03/2026 16:34

Adviceseeker35 · 15/03/2026 15:44

I've been researching so I know what I'm entitled too plus I've had legal advice. The house would be 50/50. I've even been working out what houses I could afford using the equity.

I suspect that he's happy to live like this long term.

Just go and see a solicitor. Then start the process.

stapletonsguitar · 16/03/2026 16:42

Does this mean he wants to have you playing housekeeper and he gets to lead a single life? Or does he mean genuinely separate lives?