Husband says we are separated while living together, when to sell?

[Adviceseeker35]

My husband walked out a month ago but then returned. I thought we were going to work on our marriage but he said we're separated and need to live separate lives. He's now in the spare room and he's clearing things out so he can get himself a bed. It's the first time in years the room has been tidy. At what point do we sell? I think he's happy to live like this long term ( he's getting the roof fixed and the aerial) but I don't know how much more I can take.

I don't think he knows what he wants. In think I'm just expected to wait while he decides what he wants.

My idea of separate lives does not mean asking the person you've left help load the car with your new bed, as you don't want to share a bed any more.

Does it matter what ge wants at this point? Are you not allowed to have agency over your own life?

The autism adhd thing is irrelevant an it doesn’t give him license to behave like an arse towards you. Doesn’t sound fixable without him having a personality transplant. Glad you are making steps to find another place.

Indeed! I wouldn't be going out for meals with him either

I think you need to toughen up and get some self esteem back

why are you letting him decide that he’ll see how he is in 4/6 mths . He’s playing you for a fool

separately means
no cooking
no cleaning
no washing/ironing

no food shop
He does his own

He'll definitely be starving soon as I do all the shopping 😅

OP. Gently, you need to stop trying to figure him out or what he wants.

Make plans and take steps for your future without him which will be much brighter.

I’m struggling to understand why you’re being so passive in all this and are running around after him if you’ve seperated. It sounds like he wants a free house keeper and occassional companion and you’re willing to accepet these crumbs of attention. If you’re happy living your life like this then do continue but if you’re not then you have the power to make changes in your own life.

You said your son. How old is he? Id stop being default parent and be out an unavailable a lot. He can do some parenting graft.

Just be alert - he's one step ahead of you, in that he knows what his intentions are and you don't. You can only second guess what he's really up to.

When my ex and I decided to separate the idea was we live in the house until sold - it didn't work out that way as he turned nasty and I left and went to stay elsewhere. DC were adults.

Someone I know had a husband behaving like yours i.e. he was seeing how it goes and making up his mind, or that they might separate a few years down the line. He was doing no such thing - he was playing for time; was a high earner and stashing money away by buying a property and other stuff. She accidentally found out what he was up to and went to a solicitor.

As we say in my family…he’s a right plonker!

He loves his therapist? Absolute plonker.

He’s willing to risk his marriage and relationship with his DS over a fantasy about someone who sees him as a client who pays her bills. I could go on but there’s no need.

Start the divorce online and tell him.

he wants to leave it for four to six months and see how he feels

Fuck that.

Divorce is just a lot of paperwork. Get it started. Be boring, methodical and strategic. And I hope his bed is unbuildable and falls over.

Never has the phrase “he’s made his bed, now he’s got to lie in it” been so relevant!

When to sell/move into separate homes is a very personal decision. Financially most people are better off delaying, at least until you get a plan together, my exh took 7 months to move out, this was fine actually as we got along well, probably better with no pretence of a relationship! I have a friend who lives with his ex still after 20 years, it works for them. What you need to decide is what you want and then act based on that, and potentially separate lives sane house might work well for at least the first year getting everything together

Thank you for all the advice. I will try to be less passive which will surprise him. He doesn't understand why I'm upset and didn't want to go out with one day. He'll surprised I've got paperwork together and started an early house hunt.

It's hard when I feel like the life of me and our son has been blown up, but he feels happier "as a weight has been lifted off his shoulders" .

He’s like this because he’s checked out !
men are very clever at being your friend when they want you for something
ie you went for a meal with him, he probably wanted to eat out but didn’t want to go alone
what you e got to be aware of is this things mean nothing to him but your probably thinking there’s something still there.
The sooner you detach from him the better, as a life for yourself let him see your getting on with life.
Do NOT wait around till he decides it’s not as green on the other side as he thought

Why does it all have to be on his timeline?!
You are entitled to make decisions that suit only you, @Adviceseeker35

File for Devore and put house on market he’s probably seeing somebody else. This is not acceptable to be treated like that just make decision for him you won’t be there waiting for him to choose to stay with you or not what an entitled man😡

It sounds like you’re still cooking for him! Stop doing cooking, cleaning and laundry otherwise why on earth would he think things need to change? He’s living the life of Riley and he’ll just piss off when he gets a better offer. Get angry internally but just show indifference as you would a housemate or lodger. And get the ball rolling with a solicitor.

He's delaying because he knows, I'm assuming, that he will be the one taking the financial hit and you will be benefiting financially. As long as your household funds are combined, he could be secretly spending money you don't know about. For dinners and gifts on a new love. Squirreling money to somewhere else, hoping those funds won't be found when determining what you are entitled to. Buying furniture for a new place and storing it until he moves out.

Don't tell him your plans. For now, make sure you remove him from any of your accounts as a co-user. Get legal advice ASAP. Perhaps a friend who has been through something similar and was happy with their legal representative can give you the contact info. Not until he needs to know, such as being served the documents, should you say anything. He then can't argue and talk you out of it. This is now a business transaction and you have to do what's best for yourself. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Thank you everyone. A friend has recommended a solicitor and estate agent. Plus I get free legal advice through work

He'd definately take a financial hit as our son would stay with me.

It's also looking that he might not get the asd diagnosis that he's so desperate for

Marvellous. Fuck around find out.