Male colleague stopped emailing after I mentioned my husband more

[Whathappenedici]

I worked closely with a colleague on a year long project. He is about 20 years older than me and married, I’m also married. I viewed this as purely platonic, we really got along just as I would any friend. I found him easy to chat to, he was warm and friendly and he had a good reputation with other colleagues for generally being a nice guy (not a sleaze or anything).

After it ended we naturally stayed in touch via email for about 6 months. I don’t know who instigated, we both just stayed in regular contact. The emails were quite long, warm and engaging and he ramped up the frequency to every other day just before Christmas so we were in touch a lot. I enjoyed the contact and looked forward to hearing from him. We mostly just discussed current affairs, work, books we were reading, politics etc. Nothing I’d hide from my DH and in fact I didn’t hide it, he knew I was in touch with him and didn’t feel remotely threatened.

I mentioned it to a friend a few months ago and she thought it was hilarious. In her mind, he 100% had a crush on me and she thought I was being ridiculously naive if I didn’t realise this. She said straight men don’t spend so much time engaging with women if they’re not attracted to them. I thought that was a little bit too overly simplistic and I’d never once picked up on flirtatious energy from him… She advised I start mentioning my DH more in the emails and see what happens.

Anyway he last emailed me at the start of the year and I took my friend’s advice and mentioned my DH more in my response. It was natural, didn’t look like I was forcing him into the conversation to set boundaries or whatever. Well, he never replied! To my friend this is evidence she was right and I was just horribly naive to think he was a genuinely nice guy, is she right?

Not my experience at all - but then maybe men aren’t drawn to me like a moth to a flame (and gay men just like me for who I am)

From what you have said OP, I think there is quite a strong possibility that this is unconnected to anything you have done or not done. You have not necessarily 'scared him off'. His wife might have noted excessive epistolary activities and, whether justified or not, put her foot down.

I don't think this was an emotional affair, OP, but it could have easily gone that way. I do think it has taken up a lot more of your headspace than you'd like to admit and was inappropriate for that reason.

This man has stepped back - could be because you mentioned your dh or could be because he spent time with his family over Christmas and gave his head a wobble. Either way, it was a good decision and I hope you can let it lie and not message him again.

Don't message him. He has done the right thing by leaving it there, you should too.

Obviously you realise that you're missing something in life that he was filling. Maybe look into that with your DH.

Whilst I think it's possible for men and women to be friends without one or both ways attraction I don't think this is an example of it as, if nothing else, you were quite clearly flattered by it. There's nothing wrong with feeling flattered provided it's not affecting your marriage, and only you can answer that.

There could be any number of reasons he's stopped emailing: because he's realised you think he fancies you, he got bored, he's become more busy, he's found someone else to send long emails to, he wanted to play a game himself in not replying to see what you do, because the reality of your DH came crashing in and spoilt this ego massage or whatever he's getting out of it, and a load of others I haven't thought of.

In your shoes OP I wouldn't message him again. Doing so potentially makes you look a bit desperate.

Understandably you are missing him and the attention, he has moved on to a better option, doubtfully his wife.
You thought you played hard to get and naive, he understood this. It was never a platonic friendship, it was a courtship and you framed it as an innocent friendship.

If it was innocent, you wouldn't be in so much pain for your loss.
You ruined the window of oportunity by being demanding, your age, your marriage, you used this to frame this friendship as innocent when you knew it wasn't.

If you were really arsed about taking about common chit chat, you would be on the chat boards, or TV boards, you are not, you are pining for this man.

You are 20 years younger of course he wanted to sleep with you. I bet his wife was unaware. Probably neither of you mentioned home life to keep the unspoken fantasy alive that you were 2 single people. Once you mentioned DH it broke that. That was your intention and it worked. It was emotional cheating and you were getting groomed