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Original poster

Male colleague stopped emailing after I mentioned my husband more

182 replies

Whathappenedici · 14/03/2026 07:18

I worked closely with a colleague on a year long project. He is about 20 years older than me and married, I’m also married. I viewed this as purely platonic, we really got along just as I would any friend. I found him easy to chat to, he was warm and friendly and he had a good reputation with other colleagues for generally being a nice guy (not a sleaze or anything).

After it ended we naturally stayed in touch via email for about 6 months. I don’t know who instigated, we both just stayed in regular contact. The emails were quite long, warm and engaging and he ramped up the frequency to every other day just before Christmas so we were in touch a lot. I enjoyed the contact and looked forward to hearing from him. We mostly just discussed current affairs, work, books we were reading, politics etc. Nothing I’d hide from my DH and in fact I didn’t hide it, he knew I was in touch with him and didn’t feel remotely threatened.

I mentioned it to a friend a few months ago and she thought it was hilarious. In her mind, he 100% had a crush on me and she thought I was being ridiculously naive if I didn’t realise this. She said straight men don’t spend so much time engaging with women if they’re not attracted to them. I thought that was a little bit too overly simplistic and I’d never once picked up on flirtatious energy from him… She advised I start mentioning my DH more in the emails and see what happens.

Anyway he last emailed me at the start of the year and I took my friend’s advice and mentioned my DH more in my response. It was natural, didn’t look like I was forcing him into the conversation to set boundaries or whatever. Well, he never replied! To my friend this is evidence she was right and I was just horribly naive to think he was a genuinely nice guy, is she right?

OP posts:
August1980 · 14/03/2026 18:47

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 14/03/2026 07:26

If someone started mentioning their wife more, I’d worry they thought I fancy them. So I’d back off. It’s a bit self fulfilling really. Either he was hoping it would lead to more, or he’s afraid he’s given you the wrong impression. Could be both.

I thought this too!!! Is he still alive? Did something happen to him? How long has he been no contact OP?

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 14/03/2026 18:53

Did he ever mention his wife, OP?

And if he had, would you have worried he was using it as a signal he was taken?

MermaidofRye · 14/03/2026 19:29

@Whathappenedici I think I would drop him a quick text just saying, time flies, it's been a while, how are you doing?

If he responds giving you a hint that he wanted something more and was disappointed , then you can drop him but maybe he thought you were trying to drop him.

In any event, what harm can it do to see if he is ok.

I have a close male friend and we talk about the exact same things that you do. It does happen. We're not all operating at the "Ohhhh does he fancy me" level and it is pretty sad that some grown women are still at the stage of thinking if he talks to me he must be sexually attracted to me.

Oddballs.

Whatinthedoopla · 14/03/2026 19:35

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 14/03/2026 07:26

If someone started mentioning their wife more, I’d worry they thought I fancy them. So I’d back off. It’s a bit self fulfilling really. Either he was hoping it would lead to more, or he’s afraid he’s given you the wrong impression. Could be both.

Agree with this

lemmein · 14/03/2026 19:39

Yeah I think your friend was right too. Ofc men and women can be friends but ime men only invest substantial time in women they’d quite like to have sex with. The exception being gay men who will only invest time in women they can use as ‘wingmen’ on nights out.

FattyMallow · 14/03/2026 19:41

A jolly gd riddance indeed! He's a creep and you're in denial because you liked the attention.

YowieeF · 14/03/2026 19:53

I see this quite often in guys I work within of a certain age, not sure what they think is going to happen. One guy declared his love to a lady 20 years younger and was even going to leave his wife - because he had given the lady a lift to and from work while her car was off the road, and they became friends..

Sausagedognamedmash · 14/03/2026 20:06

OP, are you sure he is alive and well?

He was definitely interested and you mentioning your DH more may have caused him to back off, or something could have happened.

I only say that as I have a colleague I am friendly with but have never physically met as she is at the other end of the country, we'd email often, then one day she just stopped replying. She responded a few months later and had been in hospital for most of that time and didn't have my number to let me know.

Specialneedsnightmare · 14/03/2026 20:37

I remember you posted about your emails with this guy before as you were worried it was an emotional affair. You were advised to casually mention your dh and see what happens. It's not really surprising that he has stopped emailing...is it?!

Riverflow6 · 14/03/2026 21:14

Oh sweet summer child

Aslighthead · 14/03/2026 21:21

He’s lost interest in endless emailing

perhaps he’s met someone

either way, I have distinct feeling the op was hoping for more

Viviennemary · 14/03/2026 22:15

He has backed away as he thought you were hinting that you were getting too close. And he wanted to end it. Very sensible of him.

BrokenWingsCantFly · 14/03/2026 22:52

HarlanCobenDogshit · 14/03/2026 10:44

I keep in touch with ex colleagues, and yes, with the male ones I make sure to mention my DH and ensure their DW is included in life updates. I think this gives out a subtle sign that these are platonic relationships from my perespective.

If they started to do the whole 'my wife dosnt understand me' I'd see right through it and likey drop contact.

This is an example of how female male friendships can be respectful. They are a fine line to tred.

I've had friendships with colleagues that we get on well but only spend outside of work in work related nights out, and usually current partners come up. They are usually the biggest occupant of a person's life so don't understand how OP has managed months without mentioning DH until now. I didnt message these colleagues outside of work as a single woman as it seemed inappropriate, but know the married colleagues did and they mentioned their homelife and therefore partners regularly in their contact.

Have had other mixed sex friends front teenage years and sadly the men pulled away when they got deep in their relationships. But when I look at these men, although nothing happened in the 10 plus years we were all friends, some did fancy certain females of the group at certain points so they wanted to be respectful.

The OP situation reminds me of 1 I had in late teens. I was in a relationship. He wasn't. We worked together and got on amazingly well. I didn't mention my BF to him, even though I did with any other friend on the regular. I would 100% have never ever cheated if the other guy asked, but enjoyed the fancy of a flirt, that i knew wouldn't be there if I mentioned my BF. Think this is the OP situation. He might not even have wanted to do anything, but the fantasy was ended

ThisSparklyHelper · 14/03/2026 23:17

Sausagedognamedmash · 14/03/2026 20:06

OP, are you sure he is alive and well?

He was definitely interested and you mentioning your DH more may have caused him to back off, or something could have happened.

I only say that as I have a colleague I am friendly with but have never physically met as she is at the other end of the country, we'd email often, then one day she just stopped replying. She responded a few months later and had been in hospital for most of that time and didn't have my number to let me know.

This was my line of thought too. Perhaps you can find a way to check if he's ok through work colleagues or something. If he's ghosted you then that's quite a disappointment from someone who was supposed to be a friend.

BlackRowan · 14/03/2026 23:29

Yes. Can’t believe you were so naive

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 15/03/2026 00:07

Well, if this is true, it's the second thread (at least) that you post about this guy. Looks like you were as emotionally invested as him, and it was never an innocent friendship from your side either. Good luck.

changeme4this · 15/03/2026 03:53

Whathappenedici · 14/03/2026 17:24

Thank you all for your responses, there’s a real mix of reactions!

I did mention DH before so he knew I was married but I didn’t talk about him often. We didn’t really talk about our home lives much so it didn’t naturally come up in conversation before. I didn’t force my DH into the last email lots to give off a ‘back off’ signal as I already stated a few times. He asked how Christmas was so I literally said yeah it was good, spent it with DH and his family, sort of thing… It wasn’t the sort of thing I’d imagine would prevent a friend from responding! It was a totally normal thing to say.

I also did not say DH was working away in the hope he would come over!! He lives a fair distance away anyway but no, I didn’t give that energy! We were discussing the fact neither of us enjoy watching TV but I dropped in that because DH is away, I’ve been watching x series. That was as far as the mentions of him went, the rest of the email was responding to everything else he’d asked.

Anyway, I guess I’ll never know. I thought about sending a follow up because it’s been a couple of months but then thought that might be weird. I don’t know why he started emailing me every other day but he did for a few weeks and I just copied the frequency. I don’t have feelings for him, I just greatly enjoyed the exchange.

Maybe his wife found out and was unhappy (as with the other thread which I have seen- we didn’t have ‘playful banter’ though and we never emailed outside of work hours!).

If this had been a same gender conversation, would it have concerned you?

DH is 66 and delighted with conversations struck with younger Ladies and reflects rather hilariously on his younger years when it wasn’t quite so easy….

He isn’t about to head off and ‘root’ any of them, he is simply amused it is assumed he is a safe target and old enough to be a grandparent to some.

Equally this happened when we had our newborn and he cradled her whilst sitting in a chair outside of a supermarket while I went in and did our shop. Lots of lovely’s came up to him to see the newborn. He wasn’t about to ask for names and numbers then either!

personally I think this guy is respecting your boundaries and in some cases being extra careful (our neighbour across the road accesses his wife’s social media passwords/accounts) he has taken a step back so not to cause concern.

what a shame people have to consider your penpal’s correspondence in such poor light.

DeadSpace3 · 15/03/2026 04:16

Whathappenedici · 14/03/2026 07:22

It wasn’t a lot. He was asking how my Christmas/ new year period had been so I took it as a way to drop my DH into the convo as friend had suggested.

Show quote history

That's enough to signal to your friend to back off, even if he sees the contact as platonic.

As for whether he saw it as platonic, I really can't decide...

crunchycrackers · 15/03/2026 05:53

Perhaps he did see it as a signal to back off but I thought it fit into natural conversation really. How was Christmas/New Year? Oh great, I spent it with DH and ILs, it was ok aside from -insert jokey anecdote-, DH now working away so I’m watching a lot of X programme. That was it as far as DH mentions went then I answered his other questions.

This stuck out to me, OP. To a random online, it reads as though you didn’t answer ‘busy and glad it’s over’ and instead launched into detailing husband, in laws, a joke and then saying your husband is away. As a recipient to this information, I would think you were oversharing. It is a different write-up to the books and other neutral topics you were discussing.

Edited: Typos

Treacling · 15/03/2026 06:18

So he went from lengthy daily emails barely mentioning his wife to zero communication after your husband was mentioned twice.

Yes he was assuming you fancied him. Typical married loser.

If he thought you mentioned dh as a warning but wanted friendship he could match your tone. Charlotte and I went to the theatre over Christmas, she loves the ballet and I thought it would be a nice Christmas surprise. If he valued the deep conversations with you he could still have them!

But by stopping it’s suggesting the conversations were just a tool being used in the hope there would be more.

So yes I think he was creeping around. How unattractive.

The only other thought is your comment on husband being away may have rang his alarm bells. It could be misinterpreted!

Aslighthead · 15/03/2026 06:29

I noticed over December he ramped up contact so we’d be emailing generally every other day, meaning a couple of essay length emails from each of us per week.

What is genuinely so very weird about this comment is the OP’s utter lack of self awareness that SHE is emailing HIM daily as well!!

Aslighthead · 15/03/2026 06:33

I guess the other very odd thing about all this is that this thread is at least the second thread the Op has started on this colleague.

It is very apparent that she was gagging for more.

Gherkinslice · 15/03/2026 06:47

Whathappenedici · 14/03/2026 07:18

I worked closely with a colleague on a year long project. He is about 20 years older than me and married, I’m also married. I viewed this as purely platonic, we really got along just as I would any friend. I found him easy to chat to, he was warm and friendly and he had a good reputation with other colleagues for generally being a nice guy (not a sleaze or anything).

After it ended we naturally stayed in touch via email for about 6 months. I don’t know who instigated, we both just stayed in regular contact. The emails were quite long, warm and engaging and he ramped up the frequency to every other day just before Christmas so we were in touch a lot. I enjoyed the contact and looked forward to hearing from him. We mostly just discussed current affairs, work, books we were reading, politics etc. Nothing I’d hide from my DH and in fact I didn’t hide it, he knew I was in touch with him and didn’t feel remotely threatened.

I mentioned it to a friend a few months ago and she thought it was hilarious. In her mind, he 100% had a crush on me and she thought I was being ridiculously naive if I didn’t realise this. She said straight men don’t spend so much time engaging with women if they’re not attracted to them. I thought that was a little bit too overly simplistic and I’d never once picked up on flirtatious energy from him… She advised I start mentioning my DH more in the emails and see what happens.

Anyway he last emailed me at the start of the year and I took my friend’s advice and mentioned my DH more in my response. It was natural, didn’t look like I was forcing him into the conversation to set boundaries or whatever. Well, he never replied! To my friend this is evidence she was right and I was just horribly naive to think he was a genuinely nice guy, is she right?

Did he ever mention his wife in the emails? Would you consider asking him if he is ok?

HappensForReal · 15/03/2026 07:07

Long, deep, meaningful conversations and email penpalling with an older man at work / ex colleague.
<shudder>

AdaDex · 15/03/2026 07:17

Aslighthead · 15/03/2026 06:29

I noticed over December he ramped up contact so we’d be emailing generally every other day, meaning a couple of essay length emails from each of us per week.

What is genuinely so very weird about this comment is the OP’s utter lack of self awareness that SHE is emailing HIM daily as well!!

OP is fully aware of what this is and what she's doing. She's kicking herself for 'not forcing' (how much has she laboured this point?) DH into an email that severed the connection.

Have any female friends cut her off for talking about Christmas with her DH? I doubt it and we all know why.....