Male colleague stopped emailing after I mentioned my husband more

[Whathappenedici]

I worked closely with a colleague on a year long project. He is about 20 years older than me and married, I’m also married. I viewed this as purely platonic, we really got along just as I would any friend. I found him easy to chat to, he was warm and friendly and he had a good reputation with other colleagues for generally being a nice guy (not a sleaze or anything).

After it ended we naturally stayed in touch via email for about 6 months. I don’t know who instigated, we both just stayed in regular contact. The emails were quite long, warm and engaging and he ramped up the frequency to every other day just before Christmas so we were in touch a lot. I enjoyed the contact and looked forward to hearing from him. We mostly just discussed current affairs, work, books we were reading, politics etc. Nothing I’d hide from my DH and in fact I didn’t hide it, he knew I was in touch with him and didn’t feel remotely threatened.

I mentioned it to a friend a few months ago and she thought it was hilarious. In her mind, he 100% had a crush on me and she thought I was being ridiculously naive if I didn’t realise this. She said straight men don’t spend so much time engaging with women if they’re not attracted to them. I thought that was a little bit too overly simplistic and I’d never once picked up on flirtatious energy from him… She advised I start mentioning my DH more in the emails and see what happens.

Anyway he last emailed me at the start of the year and I took my friend’s advice and mentioned my DH more in my response. It was natural, didn’t look like I was forcing him into the conversation to set boundaries or whatever. Well, he never replied! To my friend this is evidence she was right and I was just horribly naive to think he was a genuinely nice guy, is she right?

I’m much like you OP in that I’d be “naive” about this too.
i understand where a lot of people will say it means he’s sexually invested or ego-invested (or both). I think (and I’m in no way undermining the effects or feelings or hurt for spouses if their partner develops close opposite sex friendships) it doesn’t make him not a genuinely nice guy..(is a genuinely nice guy someone who just talks to his wife, kids and male friends? It seems to me that’s a bit sad but I understand why that’s a desire that many people might have).

he didn’t say or do anything to cause a rift in your life, he wasn’t abusive or sleazy..

Sometimes people can get a bit more involved without even realising until something reminds them it’s a bit too much.

Personally. I’m not someone who thinks a spouse should be one’s only close opposite sex friend or even to be the closest to you - that seems idealised version of life that probably feels more probable when one is young. Age has a way of making the most devoted of spouses see their partners in a bit less black and white and love is a bit more relaxed (rather than fiercely separated from others)

I think of marriage in precisely the terms I signed up for (and I’m aware that the forsaking all others is about not having sex with others). I didn’t sign up to a contract that entailed never seeing someone as attractive or as someone they really like or get on with or share ideas with.

My husband is not a good example (he’s a bit of a prick but I’m stuck for various reasons) so I won’t go on about him much but I notice he’s had several female friends (ignoring male here for the purposes of the point of the post) and often he’s competitive with women.

Currently we have a mutual friend we’ve been friends with for over 10 years and he’s suddenly messaging her privately, deleted their messages (only know this because he showed me a message and I could see the history was gone), has this stupid smile when he’s texting her, mentions her a lot (I miss her, can we get her round for x,y and z). If I still loved him I’d be devastated.

theres a chance as others have said his wife saw the emails. More likely he realised he’s getting too involved once you mentioned your DH a few times.

I think everyone else posting here is correct (and like I said I’m naive!). Age gaps sometimes mean nothing- especially if one or both parties start off attracted to the other. Bizarre as it sounds I’ve had a rather forceful unwanted encounter with a man who is about 20 years younger than me and married..and I’m 50 and married. Still deciding whether to report that).

sorry for the essay but yep - your friend is right.

Do you think he was having the same contact outside his work with colleagues who are men or with women his own age? Of course not. We usually hear these stories from the older mans wifes perspective. They're shockingly frequent. The upshot is that it's never 'John from accounts', it's always a woman 20 years younger who they're striking up these friendships with and offering lifts home to.

Your friend is right. You've been very naive. You'll know better next time.

It could be that you were naive, your friend was right, he was engaging in a low-level flirting without you realising, and he’s backed off because he realised you’re not on the same page.

But as neither of you tended to talk about your spouses (apart from very rarely) it’s also possible he picked up on you mentioning your DH more and wondered whether you were questioning his intentions (you were, that’s why you did it). Even if your DH was slipped into the conversation very naturally it could still have flagged, and lots of people would back off if they thought they might have inadvertently given someone the wrong impression!

OP you keep stating that your DH wasn't forced into the conversation. You're right he wasn't. However, that's how little it took for this bloke to back off.

Have any of your female friends disappeared after hearing about Christmas with your DH? Probably not. There's a reason he did though.

He didn't want a platonic pen friend.

Or, his wife got pissed off with the emotional affair and put a stop to it.

I'm early 50s. I've noticed it more as I've got older. Casual shags are meaningless to some blokes and when they get older they're less likely to say no to one.

Or he took you saying your DH was away in the wrong way and panicked…

Just joking really, I think he probably took the hint and backed off. Why didn’t you mention your DH before though?

OP the fact you told your friend, that you looked forward to hearing from him and now are posting about it again on here. That maybe you're more invested in this bloke than you're admitting to?

It's ok to get a bit bored with life and enjoy a bit of a flirt. But maybe this is best left to drift.

This..

He's stopped communicating now, so problem solved.

You mentioned your husband (for the first time?) and followed up by saying he was working away.

Your friend may have thought you were coming on to him and so backed off.

I did wonder that about the DH working away comment. If there was any harmless flirtation subtext, this could’ve taken it to the next level and scared him off. Either way, it’s no bad thing to have knocked it on the head.

My best friend is male and we talk and meet up a lot but it is 100% platonic.
He does not fancy me at all.
So there are genuinely just nice guys out there.

You went from rarely mentioning your DH to mentioning him much more - I would have definitely taken that as a sign to back off.

It’s actually something that I intentionally do when I want a male friend or colleague to back off a bit and set those boundaries.

It doesn’t really make a difference whether he backed off because he thought there was more in your friendship or if he thinks you wanted him to back off - what you wanted was achieved - that you see him purely as a friend and not blur those boundaries.

TBH any MA man is going to be flattered chatting to a younger attractive female.Just Nature really.He realised he had overstepped I guess .its scary how quickly a few little flirtations can lead on to more .Just be a bit more cautious in future .An old friend said most blokes would like to be more than friends with a pretty young woman!

Of course she's right.
Men don't invest time and energy in any female unless they think they're in with a chance of a sexual relationship.
Grow up.

I really agree with this.

I don’t think I’ve ever discussed my friendship in detail with someone to another friend.
There must have been a reason you did this.

You’re now hurt that he hasn’t responded, which I get to an extent, but it just comes across as though you did enjoy his company a bit too much.

If you did like him more than you’re admitting then this would have come across in your communication to him and so it’s probably thrown him that you’re now mentioning DH a lot and he’s taking that as a big sign for him to back off.

Not true.
My best friend is a male.

I also have many other male friends that I regularly speak to and meet up with.

I think the fact he stopped emailing completely suggests your friend was right. Either he thinks you were asserting a boundary, or he’s not sure either way but realised you’re happy with your husband.

If he was just concerned you thought he fancied you, I think he’d have handled it differently. Either decreased the frequency, been a bit more formal or mentioned his own wife a bit more. Or even just addressed it directly if you’re that close.

The fact he was sending long emails every day, I struggle to think it was just a friendship on his part. I l’d find that unusual between female friends, I’d be stunned to meet a man who did that with their friends of either gender.

Completely agree with this. I’d be really embarrassed they thought I fancied them, so would definitely back off!!

is he gay?
That might be an exception - otherwise he thinks he's in with a shot.
Check out when Harry met Sally.

Completely agree. This seems to be a thing on mumsnet that I’ve never seen in real life. My friendship group is mixed, same as people I know. I’ve made some really good friendships of both sexes at work, been to their life events, etc. My husband has velvet been jealous, neither have their wives. We’ve all met up together. Mumsnet is so weird about mixed sex friendships!!

Rodney, you plonker...

🤦‍♀️

That poor guy.

Men rarely have any interest in befriending a woman unless he fancies her so yes your friend was absolutely right. They often view a friendly woman as reciprocating feelings too, I’m very careful now as I’ve been caught out by this previously

I have male friends too but when I mention my husband to them (which is natural when talking to friends because he's a part of my life and I would expect them to occasionally mention their partners too) they dont immediately drop contact with me.

If they did, I would suspect something odd was going on. I havent dropped my female friends the second they mentioned spending Christmas with their husbands either because well, why on earth would I?

I do agree with you that having male friends is not in itself a red flag but this man's behaviour does indicate he wants more than friendship.

What's with all these posts from married women who are clearly flirting with work colleagues who are married men, and the women are pretending there isn't a problem with this?

There are currently two threads trending on this subject.

I was telling a male acquaintance just the other day that men and women CAN be friends without sex being involved.....