Long-term male friend hints at more as I consider relocation or am I imagining it

[aboutyoumarch]

Coming here as nobody in RL to ask. I have been in a relationship with DP for 11y. No marriage despite promises. He is much older than me (mid 60s) I am mid 40s. We are in a sexless relationship atm and separate bedrooms. No shared children. He has adult DCs. I feel I can not live like this anymore so I started to explore work change and going after a bit more of an upgrade in career. Recently have been interviewing for a roles with relocation and due to my very specific qualifications I am a strong candidate. Job would mean being well paid and relocated. DP is not very happy but I feel it is my moment to thrive. The twist is I have a long term male friend - friendship since school (over 30 years long). That man has always been in my life, we are very close and he knows a lot about me, he is the man that always makes me laugh and is always there for me. He has a very impressive career and busy life but always replies, I can text anytime with anything, if I do not text for a week or so, he will check in with a short note. My lowest moments like divorce, losing a parent etc he was there available with support. We live very far away from each other (countries apart) but my job transfer would mean we will be in the same country. In the last 2 weeks when my interviews intensfied he innocently dropped the following: 1) clearly stated he is single 2) told me he lost over 7 stone (we havent seen each other in 18 months) and had gastric band operation last summer 3) suggested that when I get the transfer we should go on holiday together and to respect boundaries suggested separate rooms 'so I feel comfortable'. He is my age and childless, never been married, v well established, busy man, really good egg and extremely funny guy. What is going on?

But you don’t say whether you’re single, only that your relationship doesn’t sound great and is celibate. Will your partner relocate with you for the new job?

Regardless of the long term friend, lovely-sounding guy, I think if you get the job, you should re-locate in your own as I don’t think your relationship with your partner sounds like it has much to recommend it. I think you should then take time to settle into your new job and house, and see what happens with long term friend guy.

Are you leaving your partner? What if he says he wants to come along?
are you seeking a new job to escape?

Make the decisions logically and in sequence.

1. Do you want to leave your partner?
2. Do you want to move away and take this job?

Once you have moved away and taken this job - which sounds like a no-brainer from what you write - THEN is the time to think about extra romance. Bear in mind that despite knowing this man for 30 years, nothing has happened. Don’t let it sway the more important decisions upstream (ie 1 and 2 above). Good luck!

Go read back your own post, you make it clear what’s going on. What is really your question?

Another here who thinks you meed to take it step by step. You need to sort out what’s happening with your partner. You probably need a spell alone (this has out of the frying pan into the fire written all over it). It sounds like your friend may have been nursing a romantic/sexual interest in you but you don’t need to rush into anything. Indeed, doing so would likely be a mistake.

I would take the job. Dump current partner.

I really would not be looking to get involved with anyone else. At least until l I was set up, established independently and thriving alone in the new location.

This other chap seems quite pushy. I would just quietly crack on alone for now. And you might yet meet someone else in new location. Don’t be pushed into anything.

Best of luck. Hope you get the job.

Parting company with your current DP is one thing along with moving on job wise. Presumably those things are linked so you need to focus on your new role and building a new life in a new location.

I do think you need some time on your own before even considering a new relationship. By the sounds of it your other man will still be around so there's no rush.

Do not line up a new partner when you’re still in a relationship. As much as it would make it easier to walk away from your partner, they deserve better than that and you’d be setting yourself up to fail (a relationship started while you’re not single is substantially less likely to last, statistically). End your relationship if that’s what you want, but what your friend is intending/ feeling is none of your business until you’re single imo

Well, what's going on is that Mr 'Really Good Egg' thinks that you're about to become a free agent and is offering his penis friendship.

Honestly? Get out of this void of misery you're currently living in and enjoy thriving on your own, a person rarely jumps from one relationship to the other with a clear head.

Does this new job just happen to be in the country that you friend is in? I think you need to separate the two. As others have said, dump your partner and go and live your new life with the career upgrade. Then you can think about the friend and is that more.

Mon step at a time. But be honest with yourself about why this new job jus happens to be in the same country as your friend. You need to stand on your own feet and not rely on this friend to make the move easier.

This.

I think if this guy was so nice, he wouldn't be propositioning you when:

• you have a massive change going on in your life
• you are still with your partner
• you are finally prioritising yourself
• you are in a vulnerable position

The job sounds great and I think this move sounds like the right thing for you.

You need to decide what you want to happen with your current relationship and then have a serious chat with your DP. He may not be happy with the move, but he may be assuming you'll stay together/he'll come with you.

Don't jump from one relationship to the next. Finish your current relationship cleanly and kindly (if that's what you want), move, establish yourself, make new friends, and then think about new relationships.

Absolutely 100% this

This.

Also can you imagine the backlash if a man said this?!

OP, sexless relationship or not, you need to do the decent thing and end it with your partner. Then if you decide to move to X country for your new job, you are single and can see what happens with this man. I wouldn't have any further contact with him until you are no longer in a relationship.

1. you are still in a relationship. Do you want to stay in this relationship? Would you be willing to try relationship counselling to try to salvage the relationship ship? Do you want your partner to move with you? Is he willing to move? If he is not willing to move, how do you see the future of your relationship? Are you going to be the one travelling back and forth or do you want your partner to do all the travelling or do you want to share the travelling? How often would you want to see each other?
2. you are applying for a new job. In another country. Is this the same country as mr Good Egg lives? Is it the same city? Is it a coincidence you applied for a job in this country /city? Or did you do this to be away from your partner? Or nearer to Good Egg? Be honest with yourself about this. What is the true driving force for you to apply for this job? Is it for a better career or to have an excuse to move away and have an excuse to leave your current partner? Would you apply for a similair role in your own town?
3. you have been friends with Good Egg for 30 years. Why has nothing happened in those 30 years?
4. Good Egg is making it quite clear that he is persueing you romantically. I can imagine that he thinks you are moving to his country to be nearer him and is under the illusion you are going to be single. He might think you are interested in him OR he might think you will be single to mingle and is looking forward to casual hook up sex while you get your bearings. Are any of these your intentions? If yes, I would go back to #3 and ask myself but why has nothing happened in the 30 years. Also ask yourself if you truely want to persue something with Good Egg (again, 30 years) or are you just feeling flattered that he is giving you a certain attention. Also, how fair is it to your current partner that you would be considering Good Egg’s advances while you have not broken up with current partner?

I get it that this is a very exciting period for you and it sounds like a good opportunity. But you need to take this in steps and don’t jumble them up:

1. your relationship (stay together / leave?)
2. your job (accept /decline?)
3. if yes to 2- move.
4. settle in
5. settle in some more
6. AFTER you’ve settled in, decide whether you want to accept Good Egg’s penis offer. But first figure out on what terms you want that (casual hook up sex or to persue a relationship? Are you willing to loose the friendship?)

Your long-term friend does sound interested to me. I agree with people saying first break up with your current partner, get established in your new life, then think about starting a new romantic relationship. All the best.

Omg op have you posted before, seems familiar to another post same situation, older partner controlling, putting you down, you went back home a while ago to visit family, relationship with mother not great, you were looking for work in own country then, is you you op , forgive me am wrong,

Mr Bad Egg shouldn’t be dropping hints if you are in a relationship. Finish one thing before you start another and even then a bit of breathing space would be wise. Don’t entangle your career with this - if you want a new job and you want to relocate then fine - but don’t enmesh things.

When people said to you dont get with a bloke in his mid 50's, when you were in your mid 30's, this is what they meant.

Leave relationship 100%
Take Job.
Dont get with friend, be single and love yourself for a while.

@aboutyoumarchHonestly, you get one life and if you can imagine being happy living this way everyday for the rest of your life then stay and try rekindling your relationship. However if the thought fills you with fear then go. End the relationship on the ground of you want to explore you career and try life in your own. Take this job opportunity relocate and establish YOURSELF. If this friend of yours wants to progress further with you that needs to come second. However establishing yourself and finding your own feet first needs to be the priority. Life is too short to stay in the relationship that you are in. Sexless relationships do not work.
it might be fate this long term friend has probably always loved and not felt good enough so took a back seat for your own happiness. He’s clearly been working in himself for you and wants you to know.
however things go forward with him I thinks it’s Time you start building your life for you.

what I’ve noticed more on these MN replies so many people are happy to just really continue and pursue something that they are familiar with and hold onto things too long.
Find your own happiness and love will come to you naturally!

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

Quite!

You’re not imagining it your old friend is offering himself.

So take the job, end your relationship, relocate, and see how things go on holiday with this guy.

my what is going on question would be why you are in such a miserable relationship. I think you should focus on leaving that.

You're getting absolutely nothing from your current partner. Nothing.

If you take the job, make sure it's because you really want it, and not because it'll land you in the same country as your male friend.

As for your friend's intentions - honestly, it's hard for any of us to say. You would need to ask him. There's no way of us knowing. He's a friend so it makes sense he would want to holiday with you, etc. I personally wouldn't holiday with a male friend, but everyone is different. For example, I had a male friend who would share beds with his other female friends, despite dating someone else, and I always thought that was horrendous.