Long-term male friend hints at more as I consider relocation or am I imagining it

[aboutyoumarch]

Coming here as nobody in RL to ask. I have been in a relationship with DP for 11y. No marriage despite promises. He is much older than me (mid 60s) I am mid 40s. We are in a sexless relationship atm and separate bedrooms. No shared children. He has adult DCs. I feel I can not live like this anymore so I started to explore work change and going after a bit more of an upgrade in career. Recently have been interviewing for a roles with relocation and due to my very specific qualifications I am a strong candidate. Job would mean being well paid and relocated. DP is not very happy but I feel it is my moment to thrive. The twist is I have a long term male friend - friendship since school (over 30 years long). That man has always been in my life, we are very close and he knows a lot about me, he is the man that always makes me laugh and is always there for me. He has a very impressive career and busy life but always replies, I can text anytime with anything, if I do not text for a week or so, he will check in with a short note. My lowest moments like divorce, losing a parent etc he was there available with support. We live very far away from each other (countries apart) but my job transfer would mean we will be in the same country. In the last 2 weeks when my interviews intensfied he innocently dropped the following: 1) clearly stated he is single 2) told me he lost over 7 stone (we havent seen each other in 18 months) and had gastric band operation last summer 3) suggested that when I get the transfer we should go on holiday together and to respect boundaries suggested separate rooms 'so I feel comfortable'. He is my age and childless, never been married, v well established, busy man, really good egg and extremely funny guy. What is going on?

I wouldn’t even call that a relationship, you’re housemates.
11 yrs wasted, you’ll end up his carer.
Get the new job and tell him you’re moving on, get yourself settled before you jump into a relationship.

What do you do professionally, OP?

This post sound to me like a 🎤 dropping.
100 percent agree.

I think your friend is assuming you will be leaving your partner when you relocate. Is that what you’re going to do?

I would not jump into romance with the friend, it will be a rebound and you will never be able to go back to being friends, so it may end the friendship. When he says separate rooms to “respect boundaries”, what has given him the idea that one room was ever an option?

Dump 'partner'.
Take new job and relocate.
Be single for a while.
Have coffee with old friend but don't jump into committing to a holiday.

He could be making those points clear in respect of your current long term relationship. Or, maybe he is planting a seed of thought regarding a potential move from friend to lover deliberately but is disguising it as reassurance. These things are open to interpretation; he is being clever about it.

1. clearly stated he is single

So, if you do go on holiday with him, you wouldn't have to worry about upsetting a significant other of his. Or, the other thing 'hello, I'm free!'

2. told me he lost over 7 stone

Could be something, could be small talk.

3. suggested we should go on holiday together and to respect boundaries suggested separate rooms 'so I feel comfortable'

No pressure. And even if you weren't thinking of ending your current long relationship, your OH would have no need for concern.

I think the most important aspect regardless of what happens in the future for you and him is that he just wants you to relax and not feel any pressure, either way.

Good luck with everything, OP.

Why has old friend never married? Has he had long relationships? I'd always be wary of someone who is middle aged and never managed to hold down a decent length relationship or commit to anyone. Might just not have found the right person or have a good reason - but still, I'd be wary.

Take the new job, leave the miserable relationship and have a coffee with friend. Enjoy being single before you jump into anything else.

Sounds like you're in a dead end marriage, so end that and then enjoy being single for a while.

If long term friend is a good person, he will wait for you.

Firstly congrats on possible new job and relocation - sounds exciting! I would go for it alone as your current relationship doesn't sound great. See how you feel and how you're finding it etc. before considering exploring this romatically with your friend.

I hope they do offer you the job and you can make a fresh start elsewhere. It doesn't sound like your current relationship partner brings you any joy so it would make sense to go on your own and focus on you - it doesn't sound like you've been able to make much of life for a long time.

The friend should stay a friend while you get your life back on the road you want to go down. Don't be pressurised into doing something you don't want, deep down.

It certainly sounds as if your old pal may be getting his hopes up. Just get things straight in your own mind. It's what you need/want that counts. It's very easy to get carried away when a man likes us, especially when we have been starved of affection for years. Good luck.

I want to vote for man C.

A & B really don't seem like great options.

I’d say it sounds like he’s interested, but doesn’t want to spoil the friendship. How about you? I assume your current parter will not relocate with you? I’d try to sort out your feelings about the current relationship first. It sounds like it’s run its course and you need to put yourself first, but leave for you not for another man.

Agree.
Sort job and own accommodation first, get settled independently before getting anymore involved with friend.
Also, 30 years is a long time to be just friends with someone - I’m
inclined to think that if both your life circs were right for it at any point then more would have happened by now if it was going to?

I don't know whats your question but if I were in your shoes i would dump this boring sexless relationship with a man who doesn't want to marry you (but will expect you to take care of him in old age), move to a new country, new job, better salary and free life. I would give myself at least a year before I go into any relationship and enjoy my freedom/single life. I would tell Mr gastric band that you just got out of an 11 year relationship and don't wish to get into another one for at least a year.

Enjoy the ride.

If you aren’t happy with your current partner I think you should address that regardless of the job situation. YOLO after all.

I think YANBU to want to do the new job, relocate and start a different life at all. This could really give you amazing opportunities in a new place.

Mr Good Egg, well I agree with others that he wouldn’t be offering himself up to you at this point if he was a truly good egg. Relocation can be really demanding so you don’t want to be relocating, embroiled in a new relationship and tangled in your old one.
Also its not fair on current DP. Even if he doesn’t light your fire anymore 🤣

I think you need to break it down in to three categories.

1. Dump current partner
2. Take the new job
3. See if anything develops with your friend

Don’t take the job based on the fact he’s suggesting something more romantic. But it sounds like you need to get out of your crap relationship, get the new job and relocate, have a fresh start, and then concentrate on your love life.

It sounds like your friend has been there for you and been a really good friend.
He's probably just being supportive, if he's never expressed any other feelings to you in 30 years. I would be wary of messing up such a great friendship so tread carefully if you want to get romantically involved with him. (Do you?) He may not be as good a boyfriend as he is a friend. The relocation sounds like a good opportunity to break up with your partner anyway.

This is why I'm sceptical regarding most same-sex 'friendships'.

This guy is making his move. Maybe he waited so long partly because he thought you'd previously say no and his new shape has made him confident. Also, you two have been so close that it sounds bordering on emotional affair territory.

However, I must question why he was 7 stone overweight in the first place. That is A LOT OP. Unless he has a health condition, no man should be this overweight because for one thing, their testosterone helps to help them lean and their metabolism is faster. Unless he was on medication or unwell, it means he was seriously overeating.

Unlike others here I don’t think that Mr Good Egg making his intentions clear is necessarily evidence of him being a bad egg. You’re at a crossroads and he is trying to give you information he hopes you will factor into your decision. He has also tried to indicate, albeit clumsily, that he won’t be trying to pressure you into anything. Sure, a coffee would probably have been a better initial suggestion, but OP can just tell him this. I don’t know why so many people have assumed the worst of him.

Some of the best relationships are born out of friendship. But to be honest, do everything for you before thinking of going from one relationship to another. Go for the job if you like the sound of it for you, relocate if you get it, start living your life, you're only in your 40's. Do everything for you, enjoy all the new things that this move will offer, then see how you get on with the good egg later on. You'll be in a better headspace!

@EarthSight
Very judgemental, you have no idea why this man was overweight.

It sounds like you want to set yourself free from the man you are with. Jumping from one relationship to another isn’t the answer usually. I would make a life for yourself. I wouldn’t choose that country because of the friend. I would leave your options open. Don’t rush to see him keep it platonic for now.

There’s that, and the other is.. all that skin…

Sort the job out first - that gives you money and options.
If the job and relocation work out then dump partner.
Have a coffee and meal with the other guy - don't go on holiday with him first off.