He ended it and I’m blaming myself

[Blamingmyself]

My boyfriend of 5 months ended the relationship after a small disagreement at the weekend. He then immediately left in the middle of the night. He was incredibly cold and detached in that moment. I’m heartsick. He was the best person I’ve dated (I’m late 40’s and divorced) and had many lovely qualities. We had a final talk on the phone and he has basically listed the times I have reacted emotionally to situations and said that he feels he couldn’t make me happy. I’m kicking myself.

From my POV, it’s true there have been some occasions when I’ve become upset. There was no shouting, accusing, name calling or anything like that… a few occasions when we had both had a drink and feelings would come out that I may otherwise have suppressed. These were consistently about the same theme… me feeling taken for granted and not cherished. But now I question myself and wonder if I was expecting too much. He acknowledged I was very attentive to him ( hosting him at my house every fortnight.. that was the only time we could see each other due to child care and distance… I couldn’t go to his as his mother lives with him), paying attention to what he liked and surprising him with experiences I had booked for us to do or his favourite treats, offering him massages, little romantic gestures. He said I made him “feel important.” He felt that him driving 50 minutes to see me and brining a bottle of wine showed effort. It fell on me to do all the meal planning and getting the food in. Sometimes he would not respond to messages around things related to this or weekend plans. It was always me getting up to make him a cup of tea in bed and make breakfast. I just began to feel taken for granted. He also never showed much interest in my past where as I wanted to know all about him.

We had one massive arguement that blew up over Valentines. He gave me a card but no gift and I was disappointed as it felt like another example of being taken for granted. I wasn’t going to say anything though and just wanted to sit with the feeling of disappointment. He detected a change in my messaging style that afternoon (I still responded but more briefly and less frequently) so he directly asked me what was wrong. I gently explained that it was not his fault but obviously a misunderstanding about what we had agreed (I though we had said to get a little something) and that it had made me feel a bit uncared for. He got extremely defensive and, on the phone, talked over me, hung up on me twice and shouted that he felt he wasn’t good enough for me and that we could not keep having these highs and lows. I didn’t realise my disappointment and subsequent quieter messages constituted a dramatic reaction. He seems prone to defensiveness, possibly due to childhood trauma (violent father).

I will add that he told me that he was having the best sex of his life. I didn’t feel that (although I loved having that connection with someone I was really in love with) and the first time we had sex was awful as there was no foreplay and he just entered without a condom. He felt awful afterwards and explained he thought that, because we were naked and I pulled him close that that’s what I wanted. But we moved past that. I would stay he was still lacking in sensuality but it did improve . Lastly, he said he may be autistic and was going down the diagnosis route. Not sure if this is relevant.

He had some really lovely qualities too though… he was a good listener, funny, mostly consistent with messages, kind to his mum, invested father. Good job. Offered to visit my sick mum with me. He was also very much my physical type. And he did plan a future night away for my birthday gift that we will now not go on although on my actual birthday he let me pay for my own meal (we normally split the bill but that was my birthday)and for the cinema for both of us (I’d booked a film he really wanted to see and already paid for the tickets but he said it would be his treat then never paid).

I’ve got this sickening feeling that I messed up the best relationship I’ve had because I’m too anxiously attached or demanding. I feel like I should have looked at the bigger picture and all his qualities and not fixated on little things like romance or planning more day to day stuff. How do i forgive myself and move on?

You were right.

He expected you to do all the work and he did take you for granted. You were supposed to always do the heavy lifting.

You overly catered to him.

There's a couple points to bring up here though.

You had sex without a condom in a new relationship. That's high risk behaviour. Get tested for STIs. You need to insist on being safe sexually. Also, a man who doesn't care that you're not aroused and goes in when you're dry and unlubricated does not care about your pleasure, they're selfish. That's a massive red flag.

A policeman. Of course.

You're vulnerable to love bombing, that was him declaring strong feelings early on. Another red flag.

Still married. Another red flag.

You seem to get upset when you're drinking alcohol. He might be seeing something you aren't about your alcohol use. Rethink that.

You need to do some work on yourself when it comes to relationships and what is healthy and what isn't before you get into another one.

That you think this was the best relationship you've ever had shows you need therapy and do the freedom program and read up on red flags. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft it's available as a free PDF online.

@outerspacepotato thank you. I absolutely got tested straight away after that and so did he. I truly did not expect the penetration as he had not so much as touched me with his hands intimately. It had just been kissing and maybe moving to my chest briefly. I was expecting foreplay and was so stunned that I was silent at first.

I may as well be upfront…. the sex improved but he could hardly ever finish without aggressively masturbating for quite some time. Every time this happened he would ask me to spend the entire time (sorry for the explicitness) licking his balls until he finished. It felt demeaning. so I guess that also played a part in why I was feeling anxious.

You are not the problem for having emotions. Of course you want to feel valued in your relationship.

You are honestly better off without him. He is not a good partner.

@AnyahyacinthI never suspected he was in a relationship no. His soon-to-be ex-wife couldn’t get rid of him fast enough. By the time she told him it was over, she had already made an exit plan in terms of buying him out and moving out asap. He has his kid every other week and his mum all the time.

I will try, once I’ve healed.

My advice? Don’t. Step away and step away for a prolonged period. Your mind is stuck in a groove, ruminating over and over again about what this man did/said and one singular comment from a poster on here.

You have clearly been through a lot and I’ve already said something in this thread but I’ll repeat in the hope you may see it.

I got off the roundabout and, believe me, I’m glad I’ve never seen the last person I was involved with as I was mortified at how emotional I got.

You are operating at a level now where you are looking for someone else to deliver who you need to be. If you give enough, they will give back, and finally you will feel good enough. But all you will do is attract men who see you as an easy mark.

Never listen to any man who talks about love and future plans within weeks. They are full of shit.

You have worked yourself into a state of desperation and I recognise it because I used to be in it.

I took a complete break. All that effort I would put into someone else I put into myself. I started a few new hobbies, just made small changes at first, and did some volunteering. Sounds a bit naff, but helping others gets you out of your own head.

I met a good friend there - male - and got to know him slowly. And yes, we are together as a couple now but the person he met wasn’t desperate for love.

Do anything positive to stop ruminating in the short term. Go and see a film. Go for a walk. Tackle a few household jobs you’ve been putting off. Listen to music you enjoy, binge a TV series.

You can get through this but the change needs to start with you and you have to be brave.

Edited to add: just saw the update about the absolute humiliation he put you through in bed. He’s vile.

@ThisJadeBearthank you so much for your compassionate and honest comment. It has made me cry but in a good way. I did see your previous comment but I was at work and staving off this awful
panicky feeling so didn’t reply as much yesterday. It really helps hearing about your experience and I’m glad you found happiness. Thank you. I will think carefully about this.

Of course it was just that. It’s disturbing that you can’t see that.

Maybe I was expecting too much as a PP said for him to sometimes bring food for the weekend and plan a meal or activity.

It’s really sad to see how low your expectations are and how you pretzeled yourself to host him, pampered him, organised activities….. falling over yourself to prove to him what an excellent doormat you are willing to be.

Look, I know my comments are hurtful, but you really need to be shocked out of the self-blame and romantic stupor you seem to be in.

It’s good that you recognise that you need therapy. While you try and find an experienced therapist, please read the books I recommended - I promise you’ll find them helpful.

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

Listen to me. Men want sex. They will tell you what they think you want to hear in order to get it. They can disassociate the sex act from any emotional attachment or other feelings, but they will tell you that they love you if it means they get what they want. Love bombing, future faking, whatever it's called.

None of this is your fault. He wasn't interested in a relationship, he used you for sex and you didn't realise that was what he was doing.

Honestly @Blamingmyself if I could describe that last relationship I had I would make you feel so much better. Oh and he accidentally ‘slipped’ it in, cried all night, same old, same old.
I realised - after therapy - that I wanted to create a bit of security/love as I spent my whole childhood trying to fix my parents marriage. Even at 5/6 I thought if I was a good daughter they would stay together and then I would feel secure.
So I’ve done the lot - fawned, made myself small, if there is an A-Z of these behaviours I’d hit every single one.
Give all of that love you have to yourself and share your kind nature via channels where you can help others. It’s a game changer.
When you feel bit better and settled forget apps. See what’s going on in your local area and find out how to get involved in one thing.
Try it. And I wish you so much luck before you deserve it.

He sounds like a nightmare and you barely know him after 5 months , it sounds like the whole thing has been difficult throughout when it should be the complete opposite this early on.
I think you're both well out of it to be honest.

But this is not the man that deserves this.

Sweetheart you deserve more and you can’t fix this one - in fact you can’t fix any of them. Get a working one.

By working and how I knew my husband is the right one
He showed up when he said he would
He was kind and nice to everyone
He drove to near mine for dates but gave me space eg a local cafe
He always paid for the first drink eg lunch he paid and I paid for the drinks
Or if we met for cup of tea he paid for tea and cake and then I paid for the next one
He was kind to everyone and let people out driving etc
I met his friends early on
He announced his intentions eg I really like you and I’d like to see you again
If he paid for tickets to something I offered the cost of my ticket
If I paid for tickets he always gave me the money immediately back or if I refused drink at the event etc were totally on him
Sex was off the cards and not discussed unless I talked about it
neither was meeting my children (older) unless I said ok - in fact our children asked to meet each other
He sorted himself out, his emotional, mental physical, health was all down to him support empathy and understanding on all sides. But never did he think that him showing up was my gift.

You are trying to love a man who doesn’t deserve it. Consent needs to be consent and my husband calls it active consent eg is this ok and how dare any man assume consent without asking, and in my mind men should take responsibility for contraception from the off and assume that is on them.

please ensure he is blocked.

You can do the freedom programme online. You deserve more. But first you need to grow a you that thinks and knows you are worth more.

It was our year anniversary last week on moving into our new house. He brought me a card and thanked me for the year of growing our new home together. I’ve just picked up my son from school and got a Charlie Bingham meal as my son chose it as he has had a rough day at school. My husband (not his dad) has made him a hot chocolate and listening to him off load and is cooking it - I don’t ask - he just does.

Men who love going to their partner’s house and using their water, gas, electric, meal, waitress and sleep over and just think a bottle of wine (of which no doubt he drank half) is enough - it isn’t.

you are limbo dancing with a low pole - get a higher one! You are worth more.

Jesus wept. One day you’re going to look back and be extremely grateful he pulled the plug OP, you might not be there yet, but you will be. Pain fades, it’s tough to relinquish the ideal scenario you had envisioned even but the reality was the polar opposite.

Ask yourself this, if someone has to be unhappy, why does it have to be you? Why do his wants override yours, why should he always be placated and catered for? And for what? He doesn’t cook, pay for anything, make a fuss of you on occasions where he should be excited to make your day, like your birthday or Valentines, or worse, uses your own money to treat you like you were more than happy to do for him? And that’s before we get to his having some very questionable, and frankly, abhorrent sexual behaviours that scream porn sick. He wasn’t thinking of you when he manipulated you to service him as he ‘aggressively’ completed himself 🤢 If it doesn’t turn you on, you don’t participate, end of, and that’s the actual lowest of low bars to have.

As PPs have said, use this unfortunate experience to realise you badly need to take long break from relationships to do the work on yourself, so you can finally innately, unshakeably, believe you deserve to treated with thoughtfulness, respect and tenderness by a partner, who equally prioritises your happiness to their own. Trust me, not once has this wretched specimen thought to himself “would Blamingmyself like/want to do this? How can I show her I care?” That’s not what love looks like, it’s actually the opposite

Good luck OP 🍀

@begonefoulclutterjust in trying to understand this….and I know it’s not the important point… but if he didn’t want a relationship, why did he offer to come and visit my elderly mum at her dementia care home with me (it was meant to be a road trip to visit her as it’s a fair distance and we were going to stay in a hotel (paid for by me as was going anyway so I offered ) and then make a weekend of it and visit local attractions. Why would he tell his son about me? We were going to sit down and book a holiday together this weekend. Why would he do all that if he didn’t really want a relationship?

Because words are easy, actions are hard. If he’d offered to pay and book it, I’d be impressed. Do you have any proof he told his son about you? Don’t try to understand him. Try to understand why you allowed yourself to be treated like a B&B with blow jobs thrown in for scraps and pretend scenarios that never happen

Raise your standards OP!!

A loving partner does not need reminding to be caring and romantic. He wanted a relationship entirely on his terms with you financing it and doing all the hard graft, so you’re well rid.

Don’t date anyone else until you’ve done some work on yourself and know your worth.

Thank you for all the replies. This thread has really, really helped me. I have ordered the books recommended. Sorry i can’t reply individually but kids coming home etc. xx

Because he was getting a free weekend in a hotel with guaranteed sex thrown in for a minimum effort. Sorry I know you’re hurting but I’m shocked a woman in her 40’s can’t see what was in front of her eyes.

I bet you paid for the meals and drinks that weekend too

Tbf for my birthday he gave me a printout of the theatre show and hotel reservations he booked for May. I felt that was a generous gift so overlooked the fact that there was no physical gift and that I then paid for my own meal plus both our cinema tickets (and it was a fancy cinema so double the price of usual ones.) I’d booked opening night of a film he really wanted to see to thank him for driving to see me on my birthday when it was not our usual weekend to see each other. Of course, the show was something he really wanted to see too. But still, he spent a lot. I would say that was the only thoughtful thing he did really.

Well that was meant to be this weekend but he dumped me on Friday. So I’ll never know.

It sounds like you're going through a horrible time OP. I'm glad you've booked counselling because it certainly sounds like you need support and to gain some insights into your obviously very low self esteem. Because this does not sound like a relationship worth mourning. And if it's the best relationship you've ever had I am deeply sorry for you. You deserve better. So do the work, by all means, and raise your standards too.

And he sure made me aware that he had spent “hours” booking this and gone to so much effort with the planning of it when he ended it. Does that one grand gesture make up for the lack of effort though each weekend though?

Thank you. Counselling booked for Monday. In him, because he was good at listening, I thought I had found someone I could rely on. I never burdened him with my problems and probably listened to his more. But I have no family apart from my children and dementia-stricken mum. Am estranged from half-siblings due to their resentment around inheritance from my biological father. I’ve one close friend here (not lived in area that long). So yes, all that combined with shit self esteem has taken its toll. This man seemed like a light at first. I think that’s why it shook me up .

thanks

It sounds like the sort of drivel he gave in answer to her asking why he never planned anything.

Also the Birthday Surprise... can I be the only one thinking that if he promised to treat her to dinner on her birthday and then she "ended up paying" (I'd love to know how that happened!) and the same on another occasion that she would certainly be end up paying again.

OP.. you say he has some good qualities, but read your post again... they are not evident at all in much of the behaviour you have described.
He sees you once a fortnight and complains about having to drive to see you where you wait on him hand and foot. And he shouts at you.
Let him go back to his poor mother who paid for the deposit on his house and probably pays a lot of the bills.

As others have said.. take steps to work on your self esteem and on why you let someone be mean to you before you start dating again. You can have a much better time being single than letting someone like him make you miserable all the time. Treat yourself to some nice things to do this weekend, now that you don't have to worry about this unremarkable man anymore

My birthday… he turns up late without a call to say so, we went to the restaurant (booked by me well in advance), ate meal, bill arrived and he says “Happy to split it?” I felt I couldn’t say no as he had given me the generous gift of the theatre tickets and night in premier inn booked for May. He knew I had already booked the cinema and had said in a message “That will be my treat.” He never offered the money. He did buy me a wine there though.

so does the generous gift (that I now won’t get to experience) make up for all the general lack of effort?

Unfortunately it really doesn't.