Did your DH improve when you separated, divorced.

[reversegear]

I have a question for those who have separated or divorced did your DH improve after?

I’m stuck in what looks like a good marriage from the outside, on the inside it’s lonely, I’m so emotionally drained and my DH has spent 20+ years being a good man but just not quite understanding me or my needs, essentially I’ve changed grown and developed and he hasn’t. There is more too it but it’s just a fizzle out situation with lots of issues just being ignored (by him)

I’ve booked couples counseling but I just know he’s got it in him to improve in so many ways, mentally physically etc he’s just so lazy with me, low efforts etc.

Im asking as I can 100% picture me pulling the plug and him getting his shit together, getting fit, sorting his mental health working on himself, but it will be for others not for me.

Has anyone had this happen, I feel like I just know he can do this stuff maybe just not with me.

Or has anyones DH finally realised you mean business when you’ve had to book the sessions?

Sort of.

we got divorced. He did get fitter and started dying his hair.

my dc report that he has not really changed (I left after physical abuse). Apparently he’s drinking less.

Yep. My ex husband now does things with his new partner that I wanted in our relationship.

It did annoy me at first but I got over it.

Mine hasn’t. He looks older and has grown his already scraggly beard longer. Me on the other hand - I’ve lost weight, found pleasure in clothing, started fitness and look about ten years younger as everyone keeps telling me. Don’t wait for him to change, change your own life, it can be so much better

Yes, mine did all the things you mention.

Stopped drinking completely even though I had begged him to for years, lost weight, got fit, grew a beard, became a "fun" dad and way more interested in the kids than he ever had been (when it suited him though), re-started hobbies, online dated & met a new, younger woman.

It was bloody infuriating and it ate me up at first because he did it all for himself but he is a selfish man so it's not that surprising really. And he had the time to do it all while I was helping the kids manage the separation.

Now I am just "whatever" to it and we get on OK as co-parents. It is what is is.

I know it's easy to do but you really xant stay in a lonely, empty relationship for fear that he might sort himself out and someone else will benefit.

It's entirely possible that that will happen but he isn't doing it for you. That's the important bit.

No. The same behaviours I left him for, are amplified if anything. He’s stil an angry little man.

You aren’t the motivation he needs. Sometimes these men do sort themselves out and turn up wanting to step back into the marriage. But they chose not to do it when asked. They only did it after you left. That’s too late. And suggests they’ll slip back as soon as they are confident again.

Mine did eventually but that was more an effect of growing up a bit and finally maturing in his 40s
No regrets here, I'm now married to a man who was already fully formed when I met him.

I’m stuck in what looks like a good marriage from the outside, on the inside it’s lonely, I’m so emotionally drained and my DH has spent 20+ years being a good man but just not quite understanding me or my needs, essentially I’ve changed grown and developed and he hasn’t. There is more too it but it’s just a fizzle out situation with lots of issues just being ignored (by him)

Maybe he just doesn’t like or want the new version of you- it’s a bit unfair to change and then demand he likes the new version of you,
you might well find that you split and he finds someone he is more comfortable with instead

I’m a little like this but I’ve realised that if I look after my own needs, mentally, physically, and hormonally (peri) I’m happier in my marriage and in general.
Being a little selfish isn’t a bad thing.

That’s fair enough, I havent changed drastically! What I mean is I’ve matured and grown as a person and looked after myself physically, from a food and health perspective.

Thanks, that’s the thing I'm kind of sick of managing his change, for the sake of his heath he needs to loose some weight but he’s kind of just sat there like a 5 year old waiting to be told what to eat? He’s laughing saying hi t-shirts have all shrunk etc. He’s 55 and his dad has a heart condition and I’m worried his drinking and eating is just heading there.

when I show concern it’s met with “yeh yeh”

I’m so done in many other ways but this one is the reason for the post as I can 100% see him all of sudden being able to shift weight, get fit and sort his food. He’s just “playing” at being stupid.

Exactly this so the part that hurts, he can do things for others but just not me.

Nope

My ex is the same. They go all over doing things and that was one of my main issues. He wouldn't ever do anything with me or the kids. But I think maybe it's NRE and he will eventually end up with her, how he was with me and start refusing to do stuff.

My ex improved in some ways after we split. During the relationship he was very “I’ll do it tomorrow” which caused a lot of resentment. Once he was living on his own he suddenly started building sheds, decorating, mowing the lawn. Because he had to.

He also admitted that he was lonely and hadn’t appreciated how much input I’d had into our social life together.

However, many of the traits which drove me to despair remain. He’s still selfish, tight with money and won’t lift a finger to help others.

We’re on good terms and he’s one of my best friends but I’m glad I don’t have to live with him anymore.

It’s this 100% I think I’ve given up hope that he will make lifestyle changes for me, I’m just curious how many men do once they “have” to?

The crazy part for me is he’s fully aware I’m not happy, we’ve had big talks I’ve told him what needs to change, how I will change what we both need to do and he’s all “yeh yeh” and then 2 months later nothing. Rinse and repeat for the last 4 years.

just a small example he drinks, 3-4 nights out a week, so I’ve said this needs to reduce, let’s do something together ( we have adult kids) so he’s all let’s play squash let’s do this and that it will be fun.. then nothing, and he’s down the pub.

Hes essentially waiting for me to arrange it all? Or he’s just forgetting or he’s just not really that arsed and the pub is more him right now, which is fine but while he’s there I’m home, working, chatting to friends and spending time at the gym away from the relationship.

if i remind him he will no doubt book it quickly but then it just feels so forced and fake.. as it’s not coming from him, it’s not an authentic let’s have fun.

That’s bang on about not doing stuff for you, and how much that hurts. If there are things he does that cause you worry, insecurity, hurt and anger, you’ve told him how much it affects you, and he hasn’t addressed that, that is disappointing and pretty selfish and uncaring of him to be honest. I ended up in counselling with my ex, and I explained (again) how much his anger and tantrums affected me, he thought I should just suck it up because he’d now been to the GP to request psychological support. The kicker for me was that he only did this when HE stood to lose his home, his family and his kid for 50% of the week. It only happened after I’d told him I was leaving. He couldn’t be arsed to act while I was just putting up with stuff and my needs were very much down the pecking order.

My mum's ex made changes after they split up and was keen to try again- but it was too little too late.

I suspect if they had got back together, he would have reverted because it's really hard to break patterns of behaviour and living with her was what partly enabled his habits in the first place. But it's impossible to know.

I think at a certain point, you don't really care if they change, it's done anyway. Maybe you're not there yet.

I just know he’s got it in him to improve in so many ways, mentally physically etc he’s just so lazy with me, low efforts etc.

This is all the information you need right here. If he's perfectly capable and yet choosing not to, why would you put your energy into changing him when he's clearly not arsed about making the effort for you or your relationship?

Annoyingly, mine got a high paying job after we divorced. The last few years we were together he 'had his own business' that often earned $0 in a week. I owned the house, so he felt like he could just live off me and my income too. Then he ended up getting this highly paid job and started dating and found a new partner. She's welcome to him though.

I have to say that the only 'improvement' in my ex after the breakup was that I didn't have to look at him much any more. I was so relieved to be rid of him I couldn't have cared if he had morphed into George Clooney.

Couldn't agree more! Fortunately (I guess) he doubled down on his lazy, unemployed ways and allowed the house to become a shithole whilst filling his life with absolutely nothing meaningful, fun, or interesting.

The only thing you can change is you so have you told him you're going to have to consider your position if he doesn't start looking after his health?

Not in my case.

My husband was a complete mess when I left him, and he is an even bigger mess now.

When I met him he loved fashion and would spend a fortune on designer jeans and t-shirts. He got a regular hair cut, could tan sitting in front of a light bulb and was hot as fuck.

But about 20yrs into our marriage, all that stopped. If we went to a restaurant, he thought jogging bottoms was appropriate. He stopped getting his hair cut and morphed into Jesus with his long grey hair. He didn't show any interest in me or our lives. Lasted another 10yrs and left him.

Now he looks just as bad, but is living on a boat like Captain Fucking Pugwash.