Did your DH improve when you separated, divorced.

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I have a question for those who have separated or divorced did your DH improve after?

I’m stuck in what looks like a good marriage from the outside, on the inside it’s lonely, I’m so emotionally drained and my DH has spent 20+ years being a good man but just not quite understanding me or my needs, essentially I’ve changed grown and developed and he hasn’t. There is more too it but it’s just a fizzle out situation with lots of issues just being ignored (by him)

I’ve booked couples counseling but I just know he’s got it in him to improve in so many ways, mentally physically etc he’s just so lazy with me, low efforts etc.

Im asking as I can 100% picture me pulling the plug and him getting his shit together, getting fit, sorting his mental health working on himself, but it will be for others not for me.

Has anyone had this happen, I feel like I just know he can do this stuff maybe just not with me.

Or has anyones DH finally realised you mean business when you’ve had to book the sessions?

I don't understand why you don't just leave then?

Yes he knows I can leave, that’s what’s so baffling. I wonder if like everything in life he’s just sat waiting for me to make the decision.

my husabnd is the same. I lost five stone and he made no effort to join me in the endeavour and his father too had to retire at 60 with a heart condition.

but in my case - this is actually at the bottom of the list of things he needs to change - it broke me.

No, he's as bitter as ever. He's also left the country which was a surprise tbh. So he never sees the kids, has left me to do everything.

I don't care, glad to see the back of him.

Oh OP, I’ve been where you are! I worried so much about my H’s health. Terrified he would die suddenly because of his lifestyle or health problems. We’d have conversations and sometimes he’d try for a bit but nothing stuck. We separated (problems escalated and he was impossible to live with). He did eventually do some of the things I’d asked him to do like get counselling, he lost weight, got more active, got diagnosed with sleep apnoea, but too late for our marriage. I discovered later he had a new woman lined up within a couple of weeks 🤷🏻‍♀️ his old habits slipped back in. In fact worse, because she’s a smoker so he started smoking again instead of vaping.
I am currently reading ‘The Let Them Theory’ by Mel Robbins that talks about this exact kind of scenario and how to approach it. I realise in retrospect that I approached it all wrong. I would recommend reading the book it could help you try a different approach. If that doesn’t help, you can cut your losses.

My partner did this then slipped back and new wife divorced him. We are all in our 60s now he's on wife number 4 and she accepts him as he is. I'm happily married to husband 1 and the kids and grandkids adore him.

If he's not what you want right now, how long do you want to stay with him for his potential (if any)?

mine did temporarily but then went back to his old ways i think that’s his cycle his whole life

When i did something that finally communicated to XDH how unhappy i was he did make some changes.

All that did was tell me that he knew all along what was making me unhappy but would rather have me unhappy than stop doing them.

It did guilt me into staying longer, but in the end I had to leave. He hadn’t changed as a person.

No he’s still a twat and appears not to have learned anything about why women will dump him.

Thank you I’ll get that and have a read. 😍

Thanks you to everyone, seems like a mixed bag of changes after separation or divorce, I know I’m hoping that telling him I’ve booked the session will somehow kick start him, but I actually think he will do some big effort and then slip right back.

I do see him in my future but only as a friend. I have no desire or care for him, I don’t love him in a way I shoukd or did, I’m not blind to his lazy ways anymore.

I fear the future with him, I can just see me having to care for him and it’s awful but I know if he did have some heart issues or dementia I’d be stuck. - both of these conditions run so strongly in his family and yet he’s doing nothing to stop the cycle and be healthy.