Did your DH improve when you separated, divorced.

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I have a question for those who have separated or divorced did your DH improve after?

I’m stuck in what looks like a good marriage from the outside, on the inside it’s lonely, I’m so emotionally drained and my DH has spent 20+ years being a good man but just not quite understanding me or my needs, essentially I’ve changed grown and developed and he hasn’t. There is more too it but it’s just a fizzle out situation with lots of issues just being ignored (by him)

I’ve booked couples counseling but I just know he’s got it in him to improve in so many ways, mentally physically etc he’s just so lazy with me, low efforts etc.

Im asking as I can 100% picture me pulling the plug and him getting his shit together, getting fit, sorting his mental health working on himself, but it will be for others not for me.

Has anyone had this happen, I feel like I just know he can do this stuff maybe just not with me.

Or has anyones DH finally realised you mean business when you’ve had to book the sessions?

Yes, mine did.

We were together for a total 15 years, no children (because neither of us wanted them). I left the year I turned 40....he was a year younger.

While we were together he was the living cliche of the spoilt only child. Never put anyone's feelings/needs before his own, and expected to be the centre of the universe. One example of many is that I begged for years for us to purchase a car so we could do stuff at weekends. For 15 years he refused.

Less than a year after we split he had a new girlfriend and she was so demanding (but in a good way) that he basically 'grew up'. Bought a car and I had to hear tales about all the places they were going to...really did fucking wind me up, and I ended up saying so.

It still really pisses me off when I think about it. We are still good friends but I am also like others in that I'm really relieved that I don't have to be with him full time...I'm glad when he goes home!

I didn’t read it like this, Satellite.

We all change and grow all the time, but what OP is saying is that her DH isn’t willing to be a partner to her anymore. He doesn’t want to evolve with her as the pair of them age.

Nope, got fatter, drank more and got even more bad tempered. Neither of our now grown up daughters will talk to him as when he couldn’t get at me he turned his fire on them.

No mine got much worse (alcoholism)

although he somehow managed to remarry within 2 years even though he lost his job and driving licence

No. My adult DC tells me that he's still drinking really heavily, has put on more weight and is a bitter and angry man.

People change all the time, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they change in the same way

I think when I leave my DH will likely change into the dad and partner I always hoped he would be. It’s taken saying I’m leaving to kick start that but it’s bitter sweet and sadly too little too late.

Some people change by growing into maturity and some people don’t.

Mine didn't, according to the kids he (for all he thought that he was the one who did 'everything') lived in squalor and ate and drank too much. Then he remarried and his new wife MADE him do the things that he ought to have done with me (housework, basically anything at all that didn't involve him going to work), and he improved enormously apparently (I only got to hear through the kids).

When ever I tried to ask to him to help with the house or the kids, he would blank me, it was 'my job' etc. His new wife was a lot stronger than me and she got him to shape up. She was a lovely lady apparently (again, through the kids) and she was an excellent stepmum. And also had a lot of family money, which probably helped him listen to what she said...

He probably does enjoy the pub. Maybe he is unhappy too. Your kids are adults, maybe it’s time to end it and move on. It’s not a crime to do that.

No. He's still a twat.

I have no idea if he has finally improved himself - I just wanted away and forget about him as much as I could

although he has had a new women for over a decade now so I guess he did something ?

I think that it is a common fear that once the relationship ends that DH will become the husband/father that you always wanted him to be. This is what prevents you from leaving. A bit like playing the slot machine and waiting for the payout. The fear that if you stop paying in someone else will get the ‘reward’ you deserve.

Yep. We separated and suddenly he found a life and lost a ton of weight. With me he was lazy, never wanted to go out and was really grumpy when I lost weight and started running. But he’s happier because I left him and I’m happier too so it just shows to me it was the right decision.

Exactly where I am but with grown up kids

A billion times over!! It’s just landing.. so I’ve booked couples therapy in the stupid hope that may be what changes?

Ewweee

Mine did from what I heard at the time (he moved away-partner not dh). Got married. Then divorced. Now married again. That says it all.
Most likely to happen because they supposedly suddenly realise from their own mistakes from the first time round. Doesn't mean they'll do it for you though. Doesn't mean they'll be able to keep it up in the next relationship either though.
Frustrating and very annoying but unless they get hit by a bolt of lightening in that they're scared if they don't buck up their ideas then they'll lose you then it's pointless holding on and wasting time with someone who isn't making the effort for you.

I think for me it a case of how much more energy do I have left to help and support him to be the best version.

And I think I’m done, so it’s going to utterly piss me off if he had the capacity to do this and I’ve just wasted years of my life trying to support him.

I'm so unbelievably checked out it’s hard work pretending otherwise now.

Mine left and a year later decided he wanted to come back.

He had had a complete personality transplant eg buying me perfume, playing with the children, doing school projects with them, suddenly wanting to go on days out. Problem was, it was too late for me. I was so upset that he could have behaved like a great dad and husband all along but was too selfish and lazy to do it. Plus I never trusted that he wouldn’t have changed back.

Don’t worry about what he might become, if he’s not willing to change for YOU then he’s not worth it. If he changes afterwards, that would just piss me off that he was always capable but never could be bothered to do it for the future of your relationship!

What you need to concern yourself with is how much you’re going to FLY without this man and how he will be looking in from the outside wondering how he could have let you go!

I agree. He's not willing to put in the work for you, and ultimately that's all that matters. If he does it for himself or someone else after you leave, it really doesn't matter because he won't do it while he's with you. He doesn't value your relationship and that's enough reason to leave.

Are you imagining your peaceful life without him? You've said you've already checked out. Just pull the plug already so you can build the future you want.

So he knows you won't do it, because you have given him so many chances?

@WhoamItoday11 my life is so peaceful without him, he has to travel etc so I know I love it when he’s away, the peace the lack of mess the headspace.

Im already 90% out I just think that 10% comes from being told “marriage is hard work” I’ve been told you should try, so this is my “try” and I’m not sure he understands how close he is to loosing everything.

I'm financially independent I’ve worked my arse off so money and finance is not an issue, so I’m confident in that area I can afford to live well without him. BUT make me think why would a man with a wife like me think they can just be lazy? He knows I’m fiesty and independent, he knows I have the capacity to leave and have a great life he knows and yet he’s lazy and lets me go?

But if you have told him a billion times over, does he believe you have capacity to leave?