30 weeks pregnant and partner has been accused of SA

[Pulseop]

I feel sick typing this because I'm afraid it's true

I began dating my partner at 15, he was living with dad, stepmum and stepbrother who's 4 years younger.

We dated up to 18 when he went to study abroad as I couldn't do long distance. We are now 32 and got back together 3 years ago and we were living abroad until recently and I'm 30 weeks pregnant.

He is close to his stepmum but his dad has passed away and he's not close to stepbrother.

We were at his stepmums house a few days ago, all fine until his stepbrother came over with his 2 children and saw partner and honestly he looked really shocked and made an excuse to leave with the children when his mum was going to be babysitting while he went to work. It was all odd. He later messaged his mum and said She’s not to have the children while partner is there, he’ll find alternative childcare. Partner said he was just holding a grudge. I messaged him myself asking what his problem with partner was and he said he wasn’t saying it over text but i deserved to know who the “real him” was

I went over, and long story short he told me my partner sexually abused him from about 10 until he was 14 until partner went away to study. He told his mum when he himself turned 18 but she called him a liar and accused him of being jealous because they were close. He thinks that's why she didn't tell him when we were there as he would've never agreed to have his children near him and asked me to confirm he hadn't been near them and I said I didn't think so but I wasn't always there

He didn't tell anyone until he told his partner a few years ago and she encouraged him to get therapy which he did and she confirmed, he said he didn't think he would have to see him again

I confronted him and he called him a liar, he asked me if i thought he was capable of that seeing as i knew him then, he said i knew what he was like back then with his lying (he did lie about quite serious things) and stealing/shoplifting (that could’ve been trauma) and he was always hanging around with him which he wouldn’t have done if he was so terrified of him. It just made me feel sick how he was calling him a liar

i really don’t think he is lying and i don’t want to believe it but there’s no way he would’ve randomly lied to his partner a few years ago when we weren’t even in the country and stuck to it including in therapy. It makes no sense why he’d do that and come up with an elaborate lie

I really don't know where to go from here. I don't even want to look at him but what if he really didn’t do it, either way i feel like my life has been blown up completely

Oh my goodness, what a horrendous shock for you to get OP. How is your relationship with the mother? Can you talk to her about it? Even though she doesn’t seem to have accepted it previously she may be able to tell you if the brother did in fact make though allegations all those years ago. It does seem like a bizarre thing to make up and carry so far for so many years.

Have you known your partner to have any contact at all with his stepbrother in the years you’ve been together?

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrendous shock. You must be reeling 😔

I have a family member who was sexually abused by two of her brothers and honestly if you met them, you'd think they were normal, lovely family men. Unfortunately, abusers are very good at hiding their true selves.

I think you have to take what his stepbrother has told you seriously - he was obviously scared for his children and I don't think it's something that he's just made up. I can't imagine how awful it must have been for his own mother to deny what happened to him. I do think false accusations are rare and it sounds like deep down you believe him.

What you have to decide now is how to protect your baby when he/she is born. Would stepbrother consider going to the police and making a statement? Can you go and stay with family until the baby is born? You can contact NSPCC for advice and support. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this at what should be a happy time in your life 💐

"I confronted him and he called him a liar, he asked me if i thought he was capable of that seeing as i knew him then, he said i knew what he was like back then with his lying (he did lie about quite serious things) and stealing/shoplifting (that could’ve been trauma) and he was always hanging around with him which he wouldn’t have done if he was so terrified of him."

That partner immediately cast aspersions on step-brother's character - instead of being HORRIFIED to the point of fainting or vomiting - tells you EVERYTHING you need to know.

It's very common for sexually abused people/children to fawn around the abuser, because they're afraid and/or confused. It's also common for sexually abused children to act out. They don't have the mental and emotional tools to understand what is happening/has happened.

This can't be ignored because you're going to have a little one to protect.

I'm really sorry, OP.

The mum said that he didn't tell her that at all but at the same time didn't seem horrified/shocked as if it was the first time she’d heard it like you'd expect. But his partner said he did tell her so I don't see why he would've randomly lied a few years ago and kept up with it when partner wasn't even here in the uk and he hadn't seen him in years

I don't really have anywhere else to go as we recently loved so close friends were in the other country, I had friends here but obviously drifted. Family wise they're traditional and not supportive of this pregnancy at all because we aren't married

Bump

Are you in the UK? Can you go back to the other country?

It’s tough OP. I mean there’s no formal complaints of conviction there, you’re going to have to go with your gut on this one and do what you need to do to keep you and your baby safe.

FWIW, my ex partner was raped and abused as a child. He has been through hell and back in dealing with the trauma, telling his parents, having counselling etc.

The man who did it? ‘Upstanding member of the community’ with 2 small children now. No one would guess he had raped a small boy repeatedly. I had encouraged my ex to report the abuse, but he said he didn’t feel strong enough to go through to process.

So that man is still out there, living among us, raising small children, possibly abused many more people… and no one knows, or would even guess.

On the balance of probability and what you know of everyone involved, do you think it is possible he did it?

If this is an option, definitely consider it.

If you can leave and have your baby in another country, it will be much more straightforward legally if/when you want to leave this man.

I am inclined to believe him because he told his partner a few years ago and it would be a big lie to keep up but then there's a small chance he's lying and I'm glowing my life up for no reason...

I can't afford to move back and raise baby in the other country on my own, it is expensive and even on 2 salaries which is why we moved back to the UK in the first place

It is a very big lie to keep up really, and to what end? What has the brother gained from this if it was a lie?

Im not sure any poster can advise you OP. We don’t know these people and there’s no concrete ‘proof’ of this allegation so you will need to trust your intuition.

But in your situation, I would end the relationship. I couldn’t have it on my conscience for the rest of my life that my partner and father of my child may have sexually abused his step sibling. I would never be at peace and would never be able to leave my child alone with him.

I know you’re saying your home country is expensive but you really should start looking at how you could possibly move for the time being at least and have your baby there. You would be in a much better place legally if you do this.

Do you have any friends or family you can turn to?

I believe stepbrother: he was raped for 4 years by your partner when he was young.

You can't have this pedophile rapist around your baby, OP.

I know you're in shock, but you have at the most another 2.5 months before the baby comes to act to protect your child and yourself. You'll be too tired and depleted after the birth and for at least 3 months afterwards.

I suggest you consult immediately with CSA organisations to get advice.

Just to point out that technically he is not a paedophile. A rapist, yes. But not a paedophile, they were both legally children.

So the allegation is that he started abusing his brother when he was 14 up until he left to go abroad at 18, is my maths correct on the ages? If this is the case I would play it like you understand he may have been confused or even was he abused himself (which may actually be true), basically I’d be very understanding and sympathetic. Just to be clear I absolutely do not condone SA in any way but it’s a recognised tool police use during interviews, basically make them think you are sympathetic and understanding and they might tell you the truth. If he feels safe he might open up with his version of events. Having more information will help you be able to safeguard your own child if there is truth in the allegations.

Speak to stopitnow for advice, they are amazing and will help you navigate this

I think you need to be aware that you may have a fight on your hands when it comes to contact between your child and your partner, as without a conviction the Uk family court may not accept that he poses a risk and he may well get unsupervised contact. If you think he’s going to pursue contact you are in a very complicated and difficult situation, essentially I think the stepbrother would need to secure a conviction at the very least so you could argue against contact if you decide to split up

you may find that relocating to another country is actually the best thing to do. Do not envy you in this position oP but well done for not just putting your hands over your ears and refusing to listen.

The UK is my home country and where we are now, i just moved abroad to be with him after we got back together because he promised me a job etc and we worked at the same company. It was silly really but our relationship before we fine we just split when he went abroad to study because i couldn’t do long distance

My closer friends are abroad though as my friends here have obviously got partners and some kids etc and we weren’t in regular contact so have drifted

Yes partner was 14-18, i started dating him at 15 which is why he said did i really think he was capable of that and like no it's not like there were obvious signs but then again there wouldn't be

Partners dad passed when he was 16 which he was very traumatised by and he continued living with his stepmum and stepbrother for another 2 years until he turned 18

My worry is he'll get contact with baby as if we split as there's no proof so splitting isn't protecting baby

I believe the victim.

The process is different here but I would ask my OB/midwife for a social services referral and let them know there's been an allegation of CSA made against your partner by a relative. I'd be out of there but it sounds like you can't financially swing it. Get whatever assistance you can.

Ah, I see OP about the location. It’s a shame, as I do think giving birth in another country would really help to keep the distance between you and your baby, and the father in the event the relationship breaks down.

Do you think it would be worth talking to the brother again in more detail? Could you meet him and his partner to discuss this. If true, he’s done a very good thing in telling you about this to protect your child, it can’t have been easy for him to tell you.

It’s really strange that his own mother didn’t stand by him and believe him though isn’t it? I mean, your partner is her stepson right? I just find it odd she didn’t believe her own son.

Personally I wouldn’t risk it and I would get rid of him. The fact you seem to instinctively believe his brother says a lot and maybe you know deep down it’s true. I’m very sorry though. Get some counselling yourself when you can.

I would be getting as far away from him as possible.

Lets he realistic, you don’t know if it is true or not. You will never be able to prove or disprove. That leaves you with one option and one option only, get away. If you leave him and it’s been a big lie, that’s unfortunate but if you don’t and it’s true, well I think you can work out for yourself how catastrophic this could be for you and your child. Don’t talk yourself into staying to ‘protect’ your child, that isn’t going to do a single thing to protect them.

Id feel exactly the same, but it’s not as simple as just getting rid of him though is it? She’s about to have his baby, there is no complaint or conviction against him so he has rights to this child, and OP is now stuck with him in one way or another.

OP, is there any chance you can move? Could you even move to Ireland? What is your financial situation like?

I mean sure, he has rights but without being married he would have to really make a huge effort to gain access to said child. Even then, some access is far less than 24/7 access. It always before me when people suggest staying together so the parent doesn’t get access as if that isn’t giving them complete access.

Totally understand what you’re saying, but access and unsupervised access are very different things.

If this man fought to gain access to the child, then that’s it, the child is with him alone, without the supervision of the mother, and there’s nothing she can do about it in this situation. This man doesn’t have a record.

I can understand why some people think it’s safer to stay and protect their children. It’s not right obviously, but I understand why they do it.

And the father would be with the child alone if the mother stayed too.

My brother did the same to my sister and me.

It has blown up our family as my parents want to take the forgive and forget route and I want him to be given responsibility for his actions.

I absolutely believe the step brother in this because all of his actions are very consistent with abuse victims. I really hope he reports this to the police because I think the family needs outside advice because from experience families just try to make situations like this disappear when they are actually so high risk and dangerous.

In the end it actually turned out that my own brother had continued on his abusive patterns throughout adulthood and I had no idea because I had stood up to him at a very young age and stopped it from happening to me but he was still abusing others.

That would be my concern too but can you really stay with him knowing this? Sleep in the same bed, have him touch you? I don't think I would be able to.

If you leave and have the baby, refuse contact and he will have to take you to court for access - I would raise your concerns with social services and CAFCASS about the SA allegations and ask for supervised contact only.