30 weeks pregnant and partner has been accused of SA

[Pulseop]

I feel sick typing this because I'm afraid it's true

I began dating my partner at 15, he was living with dad, stepmum and stepbrother who's 4 years younger.

We dated up to 18 when he went to study abroad as I couldn't do long distance. We are now 32 and got back together 3 years ago and we were living abroad until recently and I'm 30 weeks pregnant.

He is close to his stepmum but his dad has passed away and he's not close to stepbrother.

We were at his stepmums house a few days ago, all fine until his stepbrother came over with his 2 children and saw partner and honestly he looked really shocked and made an excuse to leave with the children when his mum was going to be babysitting while he went to work. It was all odd. He later messaged his mum and said She’s not to have the children while partner is there, he’ll find alternative childcare. Partner said he was just holding a grudge. I messaged him myself asking what his problem with partner was and he said he wasn’t saying it over text but i deserved to know who the “real him” was

I went over, and long story short he told me my partner sexually abused him from about 10 until he was 14 until partner went away to study. He told his mum when he himself turned 18 but she called him a liar and accused him of being jealous because they were close. He thinks that's why she didn't tell him when we were there as he would've never agreed to have his children near him and asked me to confirm he hadn't been near them and I said I didn't think so but I wasn't always there

He didn't tell anyone until he told his partner a few years ago and she encouraged him to get therapy which he did and she confirmed, he said he didn't think he would have to see him again

I confronted him and he called him a liar, he asked me if i thought he was capable of that seeing as i knew him then, he said i knew what he was like back then with his lying (he did lie about quite serious things) and stealing/shoplifting (that could’ve been trauma) and he was always hanging around with him which he wouldn’t have done if he was so terrified of him. It just made me feel sick how he was calling him a liar

i really don’t think he is lying and i don’t want to believe it but there’s no way he would’ve randomly lied to his partner a few years ago when we weren’t even in the country and stuck to it including in therapy. It makes no sense why he’d do that and come up with an elaborate lie

I really don't know where to go from here. I don't even want to look at him but what if he really didn’t do it, either way i feel like my life has been blown up completely

Thats awful. That poor man. He must have been so shocked and concerned for his children. He obviously never expected to see your dh again . He has no reason to lie. He gains nothing. His mum already didnt believe him. And obviously still doesnt. She was probably in denial when he first told her as accepting the truth would have meant she didnt stop the abuse.
Really your main issue now is him having contact with your child.

From what you have said, I believe the brother. I also think you do to.

You need to decide what you are doing to do next.

My advice would be seek immediate legal advice, leave him and keep his name off the birth certificate.

You can also inform social services if you wish. They can investigate without a police report being needed and can support you to keep your baby safe.

Very true!

My (now ex) husband was sexually abused by his older step-brother, it started when he was very young and went on to his teenage years.

The step-brother loved with his Dad and his Mum remarried and had my husband.

My husband tried to tell his Mum but she slapped hik across the face and told him not to lie.
She abused my husband all his life as well so was never going to protect him.
She used to beat her husband as well.

I expect she also beat her older children.

The whole family dynamic was abuse - every sort from physical to sexual, from emotional to financial between everyone.

My husband was trauma bonded to his step-brother and still spent time with him, his step brother got him into drugs as well as a teenager.

I came on the scene and thought all was normal and we spent time with step-brother and his partner and kids.
Eventually my husband told me and he was then strong enough to stop contact.

When his step-brother was on his death bed he asked to see him husband, my husband agreed despite me disagreeing.
He said he wanted to see him one final time to make sure he was really dying so he could move on with his life and accept his abuser was dead.

Abuse is such a terrible thing to go through. I believe anyone who tells me.

I understand but the stepbrother has children, I think he would want to protect any children from this man so I don’t think it’s unfair to ask in this situation, it may even help him a small piece by feeling like he has protected someone from what he had to endure. As for if the OP believes this or not, if she doesn’t and chooses to have her own child in a home with this man then I would be utterly disgusted.

I’m so sorry OP.

pease get away from him as far as possible and whatever you do DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

OP what a shock to get. 💐 Ultimately this isn't something someone would lie about, and the victim's actions all seem in line with what he disclosed.

Echoing that you should speak to your midwives ASAP.

Also this might be a pattern he's continued elsewhere. 💔 Can you do a Claires law disclosure? Has he dated women before you with children? Or been involved in work / sports / hobby clubs that would allow access? Is there any way to find out if investigations have been made in other countries he's lived in? Is his own mother still alive to ask, and does he have any siblings in her household?

The advise to emigrate may seem extreme, but I would do a legal consult and seriously look in to it. In the Republic of Ireland you're legally required to put the father on the birth cert FYI.

We're all rooting for you and your baby in this.

Definitely agree with doing a Clare’s law and anything else you can.

But I would like to point out, you’re not legally required to put the father on a birth certificate in Ireland. The law changed slightly last year, but you can still say you have no idea who or where the father is and register without his details.

You need his step brother to tell the police, he should be worried about your child so might agree to do it even after a long time. Victims are more likely to be believed these days.

I don't think he would go to the police given even his own mum didn't believe him and there's no “proof” so it's likely to need to nowhere

I'm reliant on partner as I don't work due to pregnancy. I haven't found anywhere that will employ me especially as I'm likely to go on mat leave not lint after

I'm afraid you need to ask him anyway. Anything possible you can do, you need too. I know this probably feels paralysing with fear and even denial, but you can't let a pedophile near your baby.

Look at what UC you're entitled too, beg your family for help, talk to any applicable charities. You're a mother now, you'll find the strength. 💐

Respectfully I have both been through multiple rounds of proceedings in the family court, and also unfortunately been a complainant in a historical child abuse case so have seen from both sides
Reality can get completely twisted in the family courts, it’s really important not to be naive about what those services are like
OP needs to appeal to the stepbrother to formally complain. At least so that the wheels are in motion in case she finds herself in court. without this, if he wants to persue contact she’s probably got no way to stop it and could be branded as hostile which could have devastating consequences.
also, I think it’s unhelpful of others to tell her to run and hide, this sort of behaviour could see her ultimately losing custody of the child.

Where are your friends and family OP? You need to go to them ‘to clear your head’ and stay there.

Op I would ask the brother to seriously consider reporting to police in order to better equip you to protect your child from him. And I would be making every possible effort to put as much distance between you and this man as possible. I'd speak to your midwife and social services and seek advice as well.

Unfortunately this all sounds very credible and my guess is the mother is taking the route of denial so she doesn't need to deal with it all.

@Lavender14

Op I would ask the brother to seriously consider reporting to police in order to better equip you to protect your child from him

Jesus Christ OP please don’t ask a victim of child sexual abuse to report it ‘to better equip you’

I think step one is to report this to your midwife and ask for advice? They will
probablu report to social services. You need your concerns to be on record somewhere so that you can refer back to them if he does want to get access to the baby.

Sending you strength OP. Fwiw I would believe the stepbrother too - he has nothing to gain from lying about this over years, whereas your partner obviously has every reason to lie and his response seems totally wrong to me.

@Pulseop you Need to leave. .
Your step brother doesn’t want your babies dad around his kids . I’d ask him to help you protect your child .
Ask if he will report to the police then you can go to women’s aid and ask for support to get you and your baby to a safe place. .

Id do anything I could to get away.
Start acting fast and on the quiet .
How long entire baby arrives ?

What an awful situation op I’m so sorry. It’s very common not to want to believe your partner is capable of this, but as others have said, why would be lie? Can you go home to your parents/family?

It’s a massive shock now so you must be reeling from it and I understand why you haven’t done anything yet, but you know this is true. You can tell when someone is telling the truth and you heard the brother and he clearly sounds like he was. It also all adds up why he whisked his kids out of there when he saw your partner and how he reacted with shock at seeing him. Those reactions lend credibility to the account all round - he made very last minute childcare adjustments when it probably messed with his work for example just to keep his kids away from your partner - that’s not something he would do in pursuit of a lie.

So, now we get to what you have to do with the knowledge that your partner sexually abused his own brother. If it were me, I couldn’t risk my child being exposed to that and would leave, especially given your partner won’t even accept it happened and calls your brother a liar.

It’s hard and financially you’ll struggle, but you need to leave this man, access UC, find somewhere to live and focus on yourself and the baby.

If you know this about your partner and you stay and your child is abused by him, you’ll never forgive yourself and, frankly, won’t deserve forgiveness. Don’t be like brother’s mum and forgive abuse or brush it under the carpet, tackle it head on.

Oh, so shocking - what is your gut saying- have to say it sounds unlikely the brother made this up. Has there been any indication that he has sexual issues

Well done @Pulseopfor posting on here. You have made a really important and protective step in the right direction for your baby by this action. You have had lots of advice to reach out to your MW, WA, NSPCC, CSA support etc. One of those will be your next step - when you are ready.

Please also consider your own physical safety at this time - you have no idea how this will trigger your DP. Safety first - women are at huge risk when they leave a relationship. Get professional advice / support for WA re immediate personal safety risk assessment and mitigation.

I am sorry that this has turned your life upside down but repressed stress and hyper-vigilance will have your adrenaline and cortisol levels through the roof which will not be good for your unborn child physically and these will likely escalate when your baby is here and will severely impact their emotional development if you are constantly distracted and hyper vigilant. This isn’t sustainable for either of you.

Well done for posting today - that’s a huge step. Settle yourself and when you are ready know that this is far to big for anyone to navigate and speak with your MW, WA, NSPCC or CSA agency - whichever feels right for you in the moment - but please be very careful around your partner in the interim - don’t let him think you doubt him.