30 weeks pregnant and partner has been accused of SA

[Pulseop]

I feel sick typing this because I'm afraid it's true

I began dating my partner at 15, he was living with dad, stepmum and stepbrother who's 4 years younger.

We dated up to 18 when he went to study abroad as I couldn't do long distance. We are now 32 and got back together 3 years ago and we were living abroad until recently and I'm 30 weeks pregnant.

He is close to his stepmum but his dad has passed away and he's not close to stepbrother.

We were at his stepmums house a few days ago, all fine until his stepbrother came over with his 2 children and saw partner and honestly he looked really shocked and made an excuse to leave with the children when his mum was going to be babysitting while he went to work. It was all odd. He later messaged his mum and said She’s not to have the children while partner is there, he’ll find alternative childcare. Partner said he was just holding a grudge. I messaged him myself asking what his problem with partner was and he said he wasn’t saying it over text but i deserved to know who the “real him” was

I went over, and long story short he told me my partner sexually abused him from about 10 until he was 14 until partner went away to study. He told his mum when he himself turned 18 but she called him a liar and accused him of being jealous because they were close. He thinks that's why she didn't tell him when we were there as he would've never agreed to have his children near him and asked me to confirm he hadn't been near them and I said I didn't think so but I wasn't always there

He didn't tell anyone until he told his partner a few years ago and she encouraged him to get therapy which he did and she confirmed, he said he didn't think he would have to see him again

I confronted him and he called him a liar, he asked me if i thought he was capable of that seeing as i knew him then, he said i knew what he was like back then with his lying (he did lie about quite serious things) and stealing/shoplifting (that could’ve been trauma) and he was always hanging around with him which he wouldn’t have done if he was so terrified of him. It just made me feel sick how he was calling him a liar

i really don’t think he is lying and i don’t want to believe it but there’s no way he would’ve randomly lied to his partner a few years ago when we weren’t even in the country and stuck to it including in therapy. It makes no sense why he’d do that and come up with an elaborate lie

I really don't know where to go from here. I don't even want to look at him but what if he really didn’t do it, either way i feel like my life has been blown up completely

Unless OP is literally going to be by his side 24/7 365 forever which just simply is not possible then he still will have unsupervised access.

It may be that stepbrother is now up to reporting this especially with a new baby on the way and safeguarding concerns like that absolutely are taken seriously when deciding on access if it were to end up in court.

For the OP to stay in this relationship if this situation has happened she will have to adapt across to become extremely psychologically unhealthy to continue this relationship. She will have to prioritise the relationship over her own child’s safety. She will have to learn to minimise and deny and rationalise the pain caused to the victim by her partners actions so she can live with a person who has the capacity to cause such harm to a young child. In essence she will have to turn into something no mother wants to be to sustain this relationship.

I’m so so sorry @Pulseop this is such a horrible shock.

Only you can decide what happens from here but it sounds like you know already. Even if you stay together you can’t 100% protect your child from him.

Legally, he cannot be registered as the father on the BC unless he is present with you. It won’t stop him if he applies to court but he might not and it gives you some time.

Without a police report/conviction it will be hard to stop him having contact but you might be able to negotiate supervised contact only.

The more underhand option is to move somewhere else and not tell him. Again it probably just delays things.

Yes, but many mothers are always with their small children unless they’re in nursery, school etc. Obviously I don’t believe this is any way to live, or a decision a mother should have to make but I can understand why some people make that decision, that’s all I’m saying. I can understand why some women feel that the odd occasion of unsupervised contact with an abusive father is less risky than 50% of the child’s time being with the father unsupervised.

Make sure he's not on the birth certificate.

I believe him.

You saw his reaction to seeing him again, his shock, his immediately leaving despite it messing up his work commitment that day, and ongoing by refusing to allow his mum to have the children when she's his childcare option.

He told his partner, which i have experience knowing how scared you get they will think of you differently if they know you've been abused, as if they'll see you as damaged and leave etc. He has been consistently going to therapy about it, thats just not something you do for a lie, it doesn't benefit him in any way to have made this up.

Having been abused myself it is infuriating how well abusers wear their masks around everyone else, their friends and family thinking they're a great, stand up guy who simply don't believe they're capable of what they're doing to you behind closed doors. It's one of the specific things i have PTSD about over 15 years later, that nobody in his life believes it and he morally and legally got away with no consequences.

His own mum not believing him is likely her being in extreme denial, she doesn't want to accept she failed to protect her son and let a predator so willingly in to his life.

Your partners reaction seems very telling also, his immediate blame and to discredit his victim, and deflection on to you of "How can you believe this, how can you think i'm capable" etc, to make you feel guilty and in the wrong, it's just not how an innocent person would act.

He's never going to admit it, so you'll never have definitive answers that it's true. Can you honestly live like that? Could you let an accused sexual abuser touch you? Could you feel safe around him? Could you trust him to not abuse your child?

Be the person in your partners life that believes his victim, be the person who doesn't sweep it under the carpet and let him get away with it with no consequences. Make him accountable.

Far better you split and it wasn't true, than stay together and it was.

When you said that he was living with a step brother and said their ages, I knew exactly where this was going. It is also very under reported according to the nspcc.

I was going to suggest everything @nopalite already did so just wanted to bunp that. Is it possible to speak to the stepbrother’s partner again and ask if he will report?

From what I pick up from your posts OP, it seems you tend to believe the step brother, in which case, you surely can’t stay in a proper relationship with your partner. Can you ask him to leave to give you time and space to think.
Please use agencies such as Women’s Aid to help you find a way forward and you can also contact SS yourself to say that you fear your unborn child may be at risk from his/her father.

You have a terrible dilemma and will be in shock - my heart goes out to you.

I do think it’s worth explaining that dilemma to the step brother and his wife …..and appeal to them for help in preventing your partner ever having access to your child. He would have to bring a case against him to do that but it’s your only chance of having peace of mind about keeping your child safe as a single mum for the future.
Maybe the step brother will now find the courage to act responsibly for that reason, even though he couldn’t do it for himself before, as a teenager with little support.

So much to think about for you. I do hope you have family you can contact for support.

Oh OP, what a horrible thing to happen.

First, speak to your midwife.

Then, ask to speak to the stepbrother and his wife again. He has a consistent story and is acting to keep his children safe. Ask if he’ll keep yours safe too by reporting it and seeking justice. It won’t be easy but it could make the difference between supervised and unsupervised access for your little one.

You need to encourage your step brother to go to the police so you can keep your baby safe. That’s how much I believe him.

How adaptable are you? You've lived abroad before and you can fly up to 30 weeks pregnant. I'd seriously look into emigrating

CAFCASS may well turn against OP and accuse her of alienation. This is not a straightforward situation and those agencies can’t be trusted. oP needs a conviction ideally

Given his reaction to seeing your partner, I would 100% believe him. You cant fake a reaction like that.
Of course your partner will lie about it.

I would to, to be honest.

OP I think you know the truth in your heart.

I would as well, I’d be out of the country asap.

You might struggle with flights at this stage in your pregnancy OP, but Ireland by Ferry is a possibility. Same language, good medical care. Cost of living is high but it’s high everywhere now.

What is your financial situation OP? Do you work currently?

This is such a textbook pattern in families where there is sibling abuse. Honestly, I hope his brother is willing to make a police report even if it doesn’t go further. It gets something on the record from a social services perspective which hopefully will help you protect your child. Please support his brother and let him know you believe him.

Yeah never mind the actual victim

The really tragic aspect of this it seems to me that the victims own mother was the abuser’s step parent and still she has chosen to protect the abuser.

You need to act now before the baby is born. You CANNOT protect. Child from a rapist who lives in the home. And once you put him on the birth certificate you can't protect him.

Put as much distance between yourself and his family as you can. No contsct. No address or contact numbers. Ask his brother to go to the police so it's on the record and you csn use it if he ever comes sniffing around.

Protect your child above all else. You KNOW he's not lying. You saw his visceral immediate reaction, to get his children away from him.

OPs best chance is to get away before the baby is born. Keep him off the birth certificate. Don't involve him in the pregnancy or give him any info.

The chance of him having the gall to chase op, drag her to court and discuss him sexually abusing his little brother for a baby he has no bond with at all is slim to none.

Given his reaction to seeing him there and removing his children straight away, added to this telling his own partner years ago I would think in all probability he is telling the truth. It is rarely something people lie about especially men. What you do with that information now .. its so hard but I couldn't bring a child up with this man. This was sustained abuse over a long period of time. It only ended when he moved away.

No it's not straightforward and OP has no control over whether stepbrother chooses to report to police and go through the gruelling legal process with a very small chance of a conviction at the end of it - it would also take years given the backlog in the courts. All OP can do is engage with all the relevant agencies and express her concerns. Hopefully at least Social Services will take her seriously.

i know this must be hard but I personally would get the stepbrother to file a police report as once you have this baby that man cannot be left alone with the child ever, a police report should hopefully help with this. Please don’t put your child in this situation even if there’s a slight chance it isn’t worth the risk

OP can’t just ‘get the brother to file a police report’ though. Having supported someone who was the victim of CSA, this is a hugely emotional and oftentimes traumatising step to take, and not one that the majority of victims are willing or able to take. And anyway, by the time anything is done about that report, the child will be years old.

OP just needs to decide whether she believes this, and then take the steps herself to keep her and her child safe. It’s unfair to depend on the brother to do this.

Technically we don't know that he's a rapist either. We do know he's an abuser and sexually assaulted a child.