Should I move in with him?

[In2mindsss]

I came out of a 13 year relationship. I'm 41. It was really tough going and at the end of it I temporarily moved in with my cousin while I figured out what to do next. To my surprise, I ended up meeting a man who is from and lives in a rural area at the opposite end of the country and... Well it was a massive eye opener as I suddenly found myself getting deeper with a man who is basically everything I ever wanted. He really makes me happy. We have met each other's families and have been doing LDR since we met eight months ago (here where I am, where his sister lives).

We both really want to move to a completely different part of the country, and its funny because we both had that same vision before we met. Hes suggesting that I move in with him now so we can plan for this together and just be together rather than continue long distance. Im not sure whether its all too soon though? On the other hand, as much as I love my cousin, I am starting to feel like I'd like to move on and am getting a bit frustrated.

Im a bit nervous about moving somewhere rural and Im wondering whether it is wiser for me to just sit tight and we then move permanently later down the line, or whether I should go ahead and move in with him as a "pre step".
Its a 50/50 split among my friends and family so I thought I would get some impartial advice :)

How long have you spent together? If your work is flexible and remote could you not live with him without jumping all in? Definitely try it out because rural living isn't for everyone and could be isolating if you don't know anyone .

Pack a suitcase and try it for a month or two.

If you're going to be working from his rural home, you might also want to ask about internet speed.

Nope, far too soon! 8 months in a long distance relationship means you don't actually know him that well and while it all seems rosy now, you've really only seen the best of him. No way would I be moving to a rural area to live with a bloke I don't know well!

If you've just come out of a 13 year relationship, what's the harm in just dating for a year or two?

I say go for it. You’re going to prolong having a proper relationship doing long distance and you don’t to waste time and then both move to then find out it wasn’t meant to be.
My now husband was my house mate so we’ve lived together since day one! Just ask
him for your own space in the house
so you have somewhere to retreat to. Good luck - sounds very romantic and exciting. Life’s too short!

Too soon. I'd wait a bit longer.

This is bonkers. She doesn’t even know him well enough to know whether he is a mad axeman. He could be digging out the cellar in preparation for her as we speak.

FGS chill out and stop scare mongering. 8 months is actually a pretty long time to get to know someone.

8 months is definitely not long enough to know someone well enough to move in with them. Some people may be lucky that it works out ok but generally it won’t.

Wouldn’t move to his location. Too much inequality in the effort/risks, in his favour.

Would move to the third location and rent together.

If you’re now fed up of living with your cousin, move out of there whatever you decide about the relationship.

What about a compromise- move to somewhere nearer to him that's not rural. If you move into his terriority then you're already on the backfoot. Moving somewhere neutral later on would be better. Also living rurally without a car leaves you at a big disadvantage. It will really limit your independence. 8 months is no time at all. You haven't gone through all of the seasons with him. There's holidays to come where you will spend 24/7 with him. That will tell you how suited you are etc. I'd say hang fire for a bit. Even it's until you've reached a year milestone but good luck with it all. Nice to see someone have a happy ending.

8 months is way way WAY too soon for you to be ceding your geographical independence to a bloke. Don't do it, Op.

Why all the rush?!

Go for it! Nothing ventured nothing gained in life or love. You have a connection that needs to be invested in and nurtured otherwise the risk is it will fizzle with the ltr strain. Plus you were up for moving anyway.

There are ways you can protect yourself (maintain funds separately etc etc)

Not after only 8 months. If it’s long distance you can’t be spending a huge amount of time together?

I would wonder how well you know each other.

Why would it be you making the move? Is that something he wouldn’t do himself? Because if so I think you need to sit with that for a bit.

Also, moving to a rural location when you don’t drive/have a car is a really bad idea and you’ll be giving up your independence entirely.

I moved in with DH 10 days after we met. We’ve been together 43 years now and I have no regrets! Live is short - give it a go and if it doesn’t work out something else will!

I’d learn to drive though!

Learn to drive and wait a bit longer

My opinion varies a lot depending on your age and where you are in your career. If it’s relatively early days, I’d certainly consider moving in with him

However…

I would that in a very intentional way, the very opposite to just deciding to throw up your life and make a fresh start. The things I would prepare for include

infrastructure incl broadband, but also desk set up, external monitor and privacy

transport can you drive and can you afford to buy yourself a car?

financials agree with him how this will work for now, and what will change if/when you make the next move together

runnjng away fund. Build up a fund of money you have easy access to, so if you need to you can put your stuff in your car and just drive out of trouble.

the point is to avoid putting yourself in any situation where you feel trapped and where you start to change your behaviour in order to not antagonise him

with all that in place, you can enjoy knowing that you do still have options.

If you can easily move out go for it, 8 months is not too early when you’re 41

Hmmm. I'm on the fence.

IMO (& experience!🙇🏻‍♀️) a relationship started so quickly after a split from a long term partner seldom works out (sorry) because it's nice to feel the love (especially when it's not been great in your ex relationship) for a while & you overlook the negatives.

OTOH other than the absolute hassle of moving, what have you got to lose really?

though I'd probably push for renting a place where you think you both want to move to. Depends what you need to plan & your jobs etc.??

moving in with him at his, you still don't have anything to lose really if you WFH (?) & don't put any money into his property.

do you drive/have a car? If you do moving rurally TEMPORARILY would be ok with me.

Does he work? Is he divorced, have children? Is he solvent? Apologies if I've missed it, but these things are important if you are thinking of moving areas to be with him. I think PPs suggestions of holidaying together more is sensible before uprooting and moving. Do you feel as if you know him well enough for that.

Best choice, I would move to the dream location and rent a small place until he can come. After all that is where you want to be! It’s hard to rebuild a life, why do it twice? If however his is a long term dream for him and for very good reasons he can’t move for years and you are willing to accept that, I might be willing to move to the nearest decent town to his location and rent there to take a gamble on your relationship being able to develop into the real deal.
I absolutely would NOT move into his home. Number of reasons: Firstly, you are then homeless if it does not work out. (You can have your little studio in town and still spend lots of time at his place). Also, It is very hard to move into someone’s already existing home and feel like it’s your home. It’s a realistic cause of future friction. It is currently exactly the way he likes it. Most importantly, you do not drive. Don’t go somewhere where driving is a must. Learn to drive first.