Disgusted by man I’m seeing

[Realscottishhaggis]

I am still messaging and obsessed with an ex from years ago, I am now seeing someone else at the same time who knows what I went through with the man.
The relationship is chill, we get on well and I enjoy being around him but I’ve never thought of him as anything other than a friend. I do believe this is what relationships are supposed to feel like not full of drama and fights but it’s hard to adjust and I feel disgusted by him but not for any reason.
he pushed for the relationship which might be why as he asked me one day and I felt like I had to say ok now we’ve got to say I love you to each other each day and it makes me feel sick but I’ve not said anything and want to avoid him. Yes I feel bad for him and am maybe wasting his time I don’t know if I should continue to get over my ex

You need to stop communicating with both men and get some therapy to help you.

I feel a bit sorry for guy#2. Stop stringing him along, end the relationship, block the ex and get some therapy.

Yep

Yes I agree with you now how can I get out of it without losing my friend of 3 years

You need intensive therapy or to grow up, whichever is applicable.

He’s not your friend.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I would urge you to be single and not enter into a further relationship until you’ve had intensive therapy.

You are absolutely wasting his time. This isn't healthy for either of you, surely you're not happy being in a relationship with someone who disgusts you?

There's nothing wrong with being single, block the old ex and take some time to yourself. It seems like you struggle with your boundaries/self worth if you felt pressured into this relationship and you're still messaging the ex who, I assume, treated you poorly. You need to work on that before you're ready for a new relationship as you're vulnerable to being treated poorly again.

Both of you deserve better than this.

Well you can't because you've treated him appallingly.

But you do need to stop stringing him along.

If you feel you can't say no to men for any reason, you really must NOT date anyone until that changes.

''I am still messaging and obsessed with an ex from years ago, I am now seeing someone else at the same time who knows what I went through with the man.''

OP, you're using this poor man to feel better about yourself.
Why are you still obsessing over and messaging an ex from years ago???
Are you trying to make him jealous while using this new man, who you obviously don't feel anything for.
TBH, you sound a bit stalker-ish.
Get help and stop leading this new man on.

You don't have to say I love you to anyone on any day unless you mean it. Even then you don't!

I think you remind me a bit of me when I was younger, I get like I was almost feeling guilted into being romantically involved with men.

You say you want friendship only so you need to make that plain. Don't feel like you owe them sex, love. A boyfriend and girlfriend exclusive relationship. None of it.
Don't get drawn into thinking of 'I guess I am going out with him now'.

You don't want or need a relationship now other than friends and maybe these two are not into it only being that. So probably just forget them both. Hang out with platonic friends or family.

There wasn’t really any way you could get into a relationship with a friend (who you were presumably already sleeping with?) and just go back to being friends. You need to end it ASAP before you hurt his self esteem by stringing him along despite not feeling anything for him. You also need to block the ex and move on. Surely these are not the relationships you dreamed of and you would have way more time for positive or fun things if you didn’t have this in your life?

End and block both relationships. Take a relationship sabbatical and work on your self esteem.

Yikes. What? Yikes.

A thousand percent this, Ms Brotzman ⬆️

OP, I say this kindly - you sound from your posts to be on the younger side (teens / early 20s) - are these amongst your first relationships?

You don’t owe any guy anything. And feeling ‘disgusted’ is a really powerful indicator you should NOT be in a romantic relationship with that person, because it’s not fair on either of you.

People mostly survive breakups, just as we survive when someone breaks up with us. Being too scared to break up with someone is a terrible reason to stay with them. And once again, is not fair on either party.

What do your friends and family think about these two chaps and your history with them?

"You're a great guy Nigel but I've realised I'm not ready for a full relationship yet. I'm sorry but we need to break up so I can be on my own and work on myself. I hope we can stay friends and I wish all good things for you."

Then also go No Contact with your ex.

Get therapy if you can. Even a few sessions of CBT at £50 a session will help.

You’ve got a bizarre outlook on what a relationship should be. get therapy.

I'm guessing you are a bit of people pleaser? I'm one of those too and often found myself in relationships I didn't want to enter or continue when I was younger. Luckily, as I got older I got better at putting the breaks on and not letting myself get convinced by men that I want to be with them when I didn't. This is a great time for you to practice some assertiveness, with both of them.

"I am still messaging and obsessed with an ex from years ago"
You are not emotionally available for a relationship.

" I feel disgusted by him but not for any reason."
Maybe because you felt pressured into the relationship? "I felt like I had to say ok" is not the start of a relationship, it's a hostage situation!

"how can I get out of it without losing my friend of 3 years"
By realising that he's not your friend.

Here are some possibilities of who he is (other possibilities are available):

• a man with low emotional intelligence who couldn't tell that you were not ready for another relationship
• a man so enamoured of you he chose not to use his emotional intelligence, which was telling him that you were not ready for another relationship
• a man who saw a vulnerable woman, a woman struggling with being a People Pleaser, who decided that he would enjoy manipulating such a woman into a 'relationship' in which he would call the shots. An abuser, in short.

Now, I don't know which type of man he is, but I can guarantee it is not the type of man you can have a healthy relationship with.

End it. Do some work on yourself. Stay out of relationships whilst you get your head on straight.

You can't. End it and end the 'friendship'.

You shouldn’t be in a relationship. You need professional support on this basis of your OP. Urgently.

Is this the same guy from last week?

Well. The thing you have with the second guy is not a relationship. It is one-sided, if anything, @Realscottishhaggis . Being with anyone while still being obsessed with an ex is extremely disrespectful to him, there is just not much wiggle room there. Furthermore, you are 'disgusted' by him. I don't even know what to say to that. Please, don't string him on, it is being incredibly selfish - just because it is what you think you should have in a relationship. Would you like it if someone was with you, while being obsessed with someone else, messaging them? Oh! and of course, while being disgusted by you. I am willing to think you wouldn't like that one bit.

Do the right thing, and step away from this farce of a pseudo-relationship, so the poor guy can start anew, and you can spend your time getting over your ex. Therapy is very much missing from your life, I think... It would help.

No, I’ve been a relationship with a man for the same length of time that I’ve known this one

Your not over your ex and you need a new relationship with someone you actually fancy, this new man your seeing you don't fancy him or anything like that. End it with him, your going to hurt him.

There Will be men out there that you will go mad for, but this new man is not it. Sign up to facebk dating or something else, you will find a man you actually adore and youl get over your ex.