If you divorced early in your marriage and/or early in life…

[holdingittogethr3]

Can you please talk to me about what it was like for you?

I’m early 30s, married less than a year but together six. Realised shortly before the wedding that he only cared about himself and his image - not me - but felt it was too late to call it off and hoped it was just a phase or wedding jitters or stress and ended up going through with it. Obviously shouldn’t have but hindsight is 20/20.

Ever since the wedding it’s only become more and more obvious that he is selfish to the max, a huge liar, and has no respect for me, let alone able to show me any love or care or kindness.

I’ve tried and tried and tried to talk to him and explain how I feel, how much I want things to work, why I feel my (very basic) needs aren’t being met, and also ask him if I’m doing anything wrong or if I can do anything to make the relationship better. I’m invariably told that I’m being aggressive, nasty, picking a fight - that I’m being abusive, even - no matter how calmly or kindly I try to bring things up. So on top of the hurt of any given thing he’s done to upset me, there is the additional hurt of him not caring and getting defensive and immediately blaming me when I try to talk things out.

He envisions a life where I stay at home raising his children and keeping the home, but won’t lift a finger to help me, won’t pay for the groceries or get me a birthday present, and hasn’t taken me on a date in years. He watched me assemble IKEA furniture for HIS office without even offering to pitch in because “that’s what a good wife does” but moans when I ask him for a 10min lift and just the other watched me struggle with three very heavy bags on a 25min walk while he had noting to carry. Millions of examples like this but just trying to illustrate the dynamic. Tel

I know I can’t bring children into this marriage and I also know I can’t keep going like this much longer - I already feel like a husk of my former self - I need to leave but it terrifies me and I HATE to say it but… I still love him.

if you left a marriage very shortly after the wedding and/or early-ish in life I would really appreciate hearing from you. I know it’s different for everyone but I find a lot of the divorce material online is geared towards people who have been married a while and/or have kids etc. so would appreciate some insight from those who went through something similar to me.

thank you

ETA: separate finances, and although he claims I am “leeching” off him, I am so, so, SO certain that if we were to go through all our accounts, there would be irrefutable evidence that the opposite is true. The fucker manipulated me into buying him a car but has the gall to complain to me that he has paid for the last few MOTs and services.

Our marriage was 5 years and I had a 3 year old when we split. He became very abusive.

I think that you think you love him. That's not love though. It's conditioning. Stockholm syndrome.

Talk to women's aid. Read Why does he do that? Make sure your birth control is iron clad. If you have any strength at all, please leave.

It won't improve.

Here's the big realisation I had (or one of them). You can't fix it. He doesn't want to. He was compliance not a loving partnership.

You dont love him. You have invested time and emotions into him and feel sad at losing that.

but he is abusive and now you are married he doesn't have to pretend he isnt anymore.

Plan your exit and do not get pregnant.

Does he love you? Does he care about your happiness and well being? Does he respect you? No. Why do you extend these feelings to him?
Get out asap.

@ConfusedNoMore thank you and sorry to hear you found yourself in an abusive situation, hope things are better for you now.

My birth control is indeed iron clad, or rather copper (coil) clad - he wants “an heir” ASAP, which is said “jokingly” but I think it takes a certain type of person for thinking about children that way to begin with, even as a joke.

He definitely doesn’t want to fix it but I am just wondering how I was so stupid to let it get to this point!? While he’s gotten much worse since the wedding, these are not new behaviours - just much more intense - and I can’t believe I had the rose tinted glasses on for so long. It’s almost as though he’s punishing me for finally trying to stand up for myself.

Married in early twenties to an older man I had been going out with for a couple of years, thought it would be a dream come true, but he left me after a year for someone else and we divorced. At the time it felt like the world collapsed, but I got myself back on my feet and within 6 years I had met my real soulmate and we have been together for nearly 15 years and have four kids. I can’t believe that I ended up getting married the first time and I never think about him at all, it feels like a different lifetime now. But I think if we had stayed together any longer, I would have wasted my best years and would never have met someone who I really love. Honestly, don’t waste time if you know it’s not right - things will only get worse. I think I thought I did love the first man, but I was just familiar with him and didn’t know better. Not saying this is the same for you, but when I found real love, I could see that what I had before was pale in comparison. Your best friend and soulmate is waiting for you somewhere, you just have to find him. Good luck!

@CarrierbagsAndPJs @Itsonlymeee he has a way of showing just the right amount of deference, remorse, and love whenever he realises I might actually be serious about walking out, and I end up feeling sorry for him. It’s stupid, I know, but he has a way of getting under my skin.

My marriage only lasted 5 years. I had two small children but couldn't imagine raising them with him. He lied to me constantly and was contacting other women saying I wouldn't sleep with him (I had just had a baby a few months prior). We fought constantly and he started smashing up my home, breaking the glass in the front door, punching holes in the walls. I felt so much relief when I had my home back and some peace. You won't regret choosing yourself.

But that is EXACTLY what abusers do. It is textbook cycle of abuse. Otherwise nobody would stay.

Also to say that someone who treats you like he does, is not someone who loves you, he just loves you the things you do for him and is taking you for granted. You deserve someone to cherish and respect you, not make you feel bad and someone who you can get excited about building a future with.

Thank you @Nearly40mumof4 and so glad it worked out for you in the end. Not sure how much older your first husband was than you but we have a 12yr age gap - met when I was 25 and didn’t want to believe any of the stuff about older men seeking out and taking a advantage of younger women, but feel very foolish now as I think that’s exactly the trap I fell into.

Read up on codependency.

He is so much more emotionally abusive than you realise.

Have you read “why does he do that”?

Don’t fall for it. Make a decision based on his everyday treatment of you. You know what you’re dealing with so don’t allow yourself to be manipulated and moulded to his wants.

Divorced when I was 27, had been married 2 years 2 months. Had a 1 year old. He had always been non violent abusive, he became violent after baby was born.

I'm now 31 and with the most wonderful man who has taken my son on like his own and is a wonderful father.

Divorcing is the best thing I ever did. I made many mistakes, he is many of them, but the divorce was absolutely right.

No one has judged me to my face at least except my grandad but I've seen him once in 4 years so 🤷‍♀️

I had to start completely from the beginning. Better to restart when you're young than waste years of.your life with him and have to restart when you're older. I have my ex a total of 10 years of my life I'll never get back.

@holdingittogethr3 he was 9 years older than me and I was comprehensively ‘wooed’ by him to start with. I was flattered and probably didn’t have much confidence due to some trauma in my teens. I think these kind of men target people they can control (even if it doesn’t look like it). I left my job, left my city and moved away with him to a rural location where I became socially and financially isolated. I was very lonely and sad and on my own a lot as he travelled for his fancy job. I too didn’t want to acknowledge that he had taken advantage of me. When he got bored of me, he just moved on to someone else. I look back now and kick myself, thinking how on earth was I so stupid. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and you can’t beat yourself up about it, I think humans are optimists and sometimes it is easy not to see the obvious if you are hoping that things are going to be good.

@CarrierbagsAndPJs I know that on a rational level and friends and family have told me as much (and are all rooting for me to leave him) but despite this, I am having a hard time accepting he is emotionally abusive or a narcissist or whatever others have accused him of - as opposed to just being emotionally immature and selfish. Cognitive dissonance, I know, but finding it so hard to move past it.

Met at 20, married aged 21, separated as a single mum aged 23. Now I'm 46, have an amazing husband, a lovely life and beautiful children. Life is good for me, I hope it turns out good for you. Be brave and strong - you have a whole life of happiness ahead of you, without him

@holdingittogethr3 one thing I would say is that I would definitely get legal advice when/if divorcing. I didn’t and ended up with him giving me £3000 to rent a flat for a 6 months and nothing else, when I was probably entitled to a lot more as he was a wealthy ma. I was stupid then, but I was afraid of how to do it. If I was doing it again, I would tell myself to be braver and cleverer. Other mumsnetters will have better advice about how to get your ducks in a row.

@Nearly40mumof4 wow, this is eerily similar - he’s also insisted that we move to a rural location where I have no support network or even a shop I can go to without driving; he also travels a lot for work and whenever I suggest that it’s a bit sad that he goes on all these fancy work trips and lunches whereas I have to beg for a night at the pub, I get hit with the “but it’s work and I don’t really want to be doing it, how dare you criticise me” (because the lads trip to Ibiza with someone who works in a related industry to him in the City is apparently a business need, whereas taking me on honeymoon is an unnecessary expense).

You clearly know that this isn’t a fulfilling or supportive relationship - don’t waste any more time. I don’t honestly think it matters how long/short a time you’ve been together. He’s not going to change.

I divorced after four years of marriage/10 years together, in my early thirties. I still loved my husband despite his controlling behaviour, lack of consideration and general unkindness to me, I could successfully blind myself to that, but even I couldn’t overlook an affair to which he admitted, and continued with. Loving him isn’t a good enough reason to stay on its own.

Genuinely you will realise that you can be much happier and find a better life without him. If you want to have children, then find someone who deserves to be with you. You did love him, and perhaps he loved you, but it’s time to move on.

@MerelyPlaying thank you, I think it’s that duality I’m struggling with between the “love” (whether it exists or not at this point) and realising this is completely ruining me…

Been there, left at 27 with a 18 month old

Better as friends now and he’s way more generous

leave as you don’t have children and you’re young

Relationships make you feel stuck and that it is what you have to take because of the intense emotions attached to the person.

You don’t.
it’s just 1 person, only a relationship.

leave

I got married in my early twenties, we had two kids together . exdh was abusive and I left the marriage after ten years together. I had a couple years single which I enjoyed being with my kids and seeing
y friends when they were at their dads. I met dh when I was 30 and we had DS when I was 37. At the time it felt like such a hard decision to make but now I’m nearly 50 my time with ex husband seems like a blip in my life.

Married at 21, divorced at 32. Very similar issues to yours just took me way too long to get out!!

Honestly just leave. There's no shame in walking away from awful relationships these days, and plenty of time to enjoy life and begin again.

I only regretted the wasted years, never the ending.

@holdingittogethr3 so many similarities, it is weird how identical our scenarios our. My ex used to live in 2 worlds and wanted the best of both: me at home being the dutiful little woman and also the jetsetting one. He was always lavish with the people he wanted to impress, then sometimes leave me with no money to put petrol in the car. In the end I found a job and my boss was kind to me and helped me see how bad things were. It takes a lot of guts to leave but if you're like me, you will never look back.

I made a similar mistake in my twenties. Thankfully I also didn’t have children. I divorced him and have never looked back. I regret the time and money I wasted on him. The divorce was financially and emotionally hard but better than staying in that situation. You can do it. You will have a better, brighter future with someone who deserves you and will treat you better. I have a loving husband and two beautiful children now and it makes it all worthwhile.