If you divorced early in your marriage and/or early in life…

[holdingittogethr3]

Can you please talk to me about what it was like for you?

I’m early 30s, married less than a year but together six. Realised shortly before the wedding that he only cared about himself and his image - not me - but felt it was too late to call it off and hoped it was just a phase or wedding jitters or stress and ended up going through with it. Obviously shouldn’t have but hindsight is 20/20.

Ever since the wedding it’s only become more and more obvious that he is selfish to the max, a huge liar, and has no respect for me, let alone able to show me any love or care or kindness.

I’ve tried and tried and tried to talk to him and explain how I feel, how much I want things to work, why I feel my (very basic) needs aren’t being met, and also ask him if I’m doing anything wrong or if I can do anything to make the relationship better. I’m invariably told that I’m being aggressive, nasty, picking a fight - that I’m being abusive, even - no matter how calmly or kindly I try to bring things up. So on top of the hurt of any given thing he’s done to upset me, there is the additional hurt of him not caring and getting defensive and immediately blaming me when I try to talk things out.

He envisions a life where I stay at home raising his children and keeping the home, but won’t lift a finger to help me, won’t pay for the groceries or get me a birthday present, and hasn’t taken me on a date in years. He watched me assemble IKEA furniture for HIS office without even offering to pitch in because “that’s what a good wife does” but moans when I ask him for a 10min lift and just the other watched me struggle with three very heavy bags on a 25min walk while he had noting to carry. Millions of examples like this but just trying to illustrate the dynamic. Tel

I know I can’t bring children into this marriage and I also know I can’t keep going like this much longer - I already feel like a husk of my former self - I need to leave but it terrifies me and I HATE to say it but… I still love him.

if you left a marriage very shortly after the wedding and/or early-ish in life I would really appreciate hearing from you. I know it’s different for everyone but I find a lot of the divorce material online is geared towards people who have been married a while and/or have kids etc. so would appreciate some insight from those who went through something similar to me.

thank you

ETA: separate finances, and although he claims I am “leeching” off him, I am so, so, SO certain that if we were to go through all our accounts, there would be irrefutable evidence that the opposite is true. The fucker manipulated me into buying him a car but has the gall to complain to me that he has paid for the last few MOTs and services.

and just the other watched me struggle with three very heavy bags on a 25min walk while he had noting to carry.

How can this be real?

Another question that helped me or something to think about.... Whether or not you still love him is the wrong question. Does he love you ? Does he show this in his actions?

@Nearly40mumof4 thank you. Yes, I recognise the lavishing people he wants to impress but leaving me in the lurch - and sadly people he wants to impress incudes random strangers on a night out, who are more likely to get a drink off him than I am. He doesn’t want me to work but also resents that I don’t bring any money in - what!? I used to earn six figures but burned out from my job, now I’m wondering if I was actually burned out from balancing a stressful job and a shit partner. Not trying to show off, just want to illustrate the extent to which he has taken the wind out of my sails. I’ve now burned through all my savings as he straight up lied about supporting me once we got married, I didn’t expect him to sponsor Pilates and boozy brunches but he won’t even contribute to day to day expenses like groceries or, as was the case for you, petrol. Need to get back on the horse and get myself employed again. Thank you for sharing, it’s very encouraging that you’re in a better place!

Thank you also to everyone else who has been kind and encouraging, I am really hoping I can get myself together and end it ASAP.

That said, next question to my fellow MNers: how did you go from realising the situation was shit to actually doing something about it? I feel like I have all the information I need but for some reason can’t pull the trigger.

So what actually happened was that when we were on the train, he was grumbling about “why did you bring so many bags, now you’ll expect me to carry them for you.” I said it was fine and that I’d carry them myself. He then finally offered to carry them when we were literally 2min away from home - so I couldn’t say that he didn’t offer and I’d sound ungrateful if I commented on it, but he wouldn’t actually have to do it for any significant amount of time.

There was actually one time early in our relationship when I was carrying a ton of his hobby equipment and he was just happily walking along next to me - a stranger jokingly commented “something doesn’t look right about this, why’s she carrying everything?” But I was still too young and in love to actually take the comment seriously; now I realise I should have.

@holdingittogethr3 have you got family you can talk to? I told my dad and he came to pick me up with a van and emptied my things from the house, he didn’t judge me, he just cuddled me and told me it would be okay. I moved in with them for a few months before I got back on my feet- not sure if this is possible for you though. I would say you need to decide where you can go and set a date for leaving. Make sure you have all the money and info you need, if necessary plan ahead to get things organised. It’s not showing off to talk about how you were before this guy by the way, I think these men are often attracted to capable, clever women and they get a kick from degrading them and controlling them and turning them in to ‘just a housewife’ - at least that is what my ex did. Go to bed and dream of the future which can and will include some on who cherishes and celebrates you, instead of making you feel rubbish about yourself. And take a positive from it all - you won’t make the same mistake again and you are young enough to start from scratch and still have time for a full happy life and if you want one, a family.

My cousin was only married for 6 months . She says she knew it she shouldn't have married but it was a big wedding that was 18 months / 2 years in the arranging and thought it might work out .
It didn't , and a few years later she remarried and now has a son .

How old are you, @holdingittogethr3 ?
If you want the chance to roll the dice again, and maybe hope to have children in your future life then you shouldn’t delay. Did you mention he was 12 years older, or 15 years? (Sorry memory bad!). If you were to stay, and have dc, I imagine he will not step up as a particularly involved parent. You would be carrying all the stuff, and the baby…

Separated after three years, divorced at 30 with a small child. After some time to get my head straight I've now been with my very kind, supportive funny partner for coming up 20 years. I recommend binning your rubbish husband.
He will probably not go easily as everything is on his terms and that's just how he likes it, but you must not be afraid of expecting more from your life.
I do understand the attachment, it took me far too long not to expect ex to come home at 7pm etc and its sad to lose the good stuff.
But he has shown you who he really is and you deserve a lot better.

@Nearly40mumof4 thanks again, so grateful for your support. My parents are 100% on my side, I’ve told them some things (athough not the whole story) and they have told me to move back in with them. However, they live in a different country that I left when I was 18 to go to Uni in the UK. Most of my friends and social support network are now in the UK, and while my parents are always on my side and want the best for me, they can also be a bit difficult… so I’m trying to weigh up an international move and potentially not having as many friends around and being frustrated with my parents vs. having a safe landing place. I really don’t know…

I’ve been married for less than a year, together 8 years and 2 DC. I thought it wouldn’t be much of a change because ‘it already felt like we were married’ but it’s been the worst decision I’ve ever made and I’m thinking about divorcing him at all times. It’s really triggered something in me.
I’ve started therapy too and that’s really helped. I’d recommend doing that if you’re not already for clarity on your relationship.

My husband is a horrendously lazy, selfish man. I had a day in hospital last week. He took himself off for a few pints with his mate, and was trying to get me to collect the kids from after school club so he could stay out longer. It was his one job!
I then got home to make everyone dinner and tidied up after myself, whilst he sat on his fat arse on the sofa texting. He went to bed at 7pm and left me to sort out the kids. I took a picture of him sitting there with his empty plate in front of him waiting for me to lift it, to remind me how little he cares about me.

He’s also a complete arsehole. Tantrums worse than my toddler when he doesn’t get his way.

Your husband sounds very similar to mine.
The only reason I’m still here is because of the kids. Please get out. You deserved more and it isn’t meant to be like this.

Less than 5 years all told and left with 2 toddlers. Should have run before he even got a leg over.

@Stoufer I’m 32, he’s 12yrs older. I agree that he won’t step up as a parent - he “jokes” about sending me back home (I’m not from the UK) to raise the baby until it’s 8 and then sending them off to boarding school so he doesn’t have to do any parenting, but now I’m starting to realise it’s actually not a joke… I wanted to have kids for a long time but don’t want to anymore, which I think is a reflection on him and our relationship rather than any innate desire to (not) have children.

@WhatTimeDoYouCallThis thank you, glad you got out!

@RMAC67 so sorry to hear you are going through something similar; they do sound alike and I can only imagine how tough it is with two children. I’m obviously in no position to give advice but sending you lots of strength and hoping you find the right way through - he sounds like a grade A dick!

Best thing I could have done. It was hard because divorce is always hard, but we were fundamentally mismatched people.

It Is so much easier to walk away early. Leaving before you have children makes it a clean break. You can both move on and find partners better suited to one another.

My second husband and I are a much better match. We have been happily married for over 20 years and are raising our child together.

Also just adding that I have done a lot of therapy in my life and felt let down by my last therapist, so between this and not having any disposable income (and the GP rejecting my request for MH support) I’m feeling a bit despondent about trying again…

I married at 18 to someone manipulative. You believe them when they say they live you, don't you? He wanted me to have a baby straight away - said I'd "kept him waiting" for the two years or so we'd been going out. Thankfully I didn't fall pregnant. He was jealous of my friendships even though I gave him no reason to be, always thought I'd go off with my friends' BFs so stopped me seeing friends.
We were both frustrated, had arguments and he started to hit me. He blacked my eye twice in a fortnight and I realised I had to get out. A friend helped me move to hers one day when he was out. That was when we'd been married 18 months. (We didn't divorce straight away because back then you had to be married for four years before you got a 'no fault' divorce. He lied about me but I didn't care - I was free!)

He moved back to his mum's and I moved back into our (rented) flat, which he'd trashed. And got a life! Travelled... Met someone else and had DC when I was in my 30s. Married 32 years now!

Leave. Get help and leave. Run!!

Best wishes x

@RMAC67 also sorry to hear you found yourself in hospital and that he was so useless about it, I’m angry on your behalf!

I was with someone 7 years and married just 6 months. Just do it, leave now while you don’t have kids etc. chalk it up to experience. I left with nothing and started again, I was just glad to walk away.

Don't waste time, it's fleeting and before you know it, you'll be mid 40's wondering where the time has gone.

@AgentPidge so sorry you went through that and happy to hear you are living your best life now! Yes, I definitely believe him when he says he loves me - or at least I want to although I’m starting to realise it’s not true - because if not, what else is left!? Someone who just hates me and sees me as an annoyance apart from when I’m being useful to him? It’s easier to believe that he does love me and is just terrible at showing it, but I know I need to get away from that notion. I think @ConfusedNoMore comment is very wise though - it’s not about whether I love him, instead I need to think about if he loves me and if he shows it in his actions.

@cleaningandclearing I think I’m getting to the point where I just want to walk away as well. I used to be scared of being alone but surely whatever this is is worse.

OP please please do not let him persuade you to have his children! Leave now, you're young enough to start all over and still have the marriage and children if you want to but with someone who loves you and treats you the way you deserve.
My advice would be to go and live with your parents short term (a couple of months maybe) until you get the chance to clear your head and decide where you want to be. Being in a different country will also make it easier to seperate yourself from your husband. This marriage will only get worse, please don't stay

I was married for 18months before I lefty. Wish I’d never married. I felt like a failure in my 20s and divorced. Wedding photos on Facebook embarrassed me, but im proud of leaving and how I handled it. Looking back my ex took advantage of me financially and was a complete narcissist. Other things I’d found out after we were married debt gambling fetish etc. I’m happy now and have the life I always wanted and deserved. Not point hanging around any longer. I was so so relieved when it was all finally over. It’s almost like it never happened to me now. I had no children thankfully so it does make it easier.

I ended my marriage after 8 months (was together 8 before marriage)...I was embarrassed mainly but soon as everyone realised he was abusive as soon as got married everyone was so lovely. Life too short to be unhappy

The best thing I did with my very short-lived first marriage was recognising quite how awful the relationship was early on - after going ahead with a wedding because it seemed too difficult to cancel - and being decisive and getting divorced. I was more comfortable looking into the future and not knowing whether or not I would ever meet someone again then look into the future and seeing it with him. You are young. Imagine yourself in 10 years time with the same man and then ask yourself what should you do

I just want to add, @holdingittogethr3, that it doesn't matter how good a relationship any friend, acquaintance or colleague of mine appeared to have, if they ended their relationship and said their partner / spouse was abusive I would not for a second doubt them or question them.