If you divorced early in your marriage and/or early in life…

[holdingittogethr3]

Can you please talk to me about what it was like for you?

I’m early 30s, married less than a year but together six. Realised shortly before the wedding that he only cared about himself and his image - not me - but felt it was too late to call it off and hoped it was just a phase or wedding jitters or stress and ended up going through with it. Obviously shouldn’t have but hindsight is 20/20.

Ever since the wedding it’s only become more and more obvious that he is selfish to the max, a huge liar, and has no respect for me, let alone able to show me any love or care or kindness.

I’ve tried and tried and tried to talk to him and explain how I feel, how much I want things to work, why I feel my (very basic) needs aren’t being met, and also ask him if I’m doing anything wrong or if I can do anything to make the relationship better. I’m invariably told that I’m being aggressive, nasty, picking a fight - that I’m being abusive, even - no matter how calmly or kindly I try to bring things up. So on top of the hurt of any given thing he’s done to upset me, there is the additional hurt of him not caring and getting defensive and immediately blaming me when I try to talk things out.

He envisions a life where I stay at home raising his children and keeping the home, but won’t lift a finger to help me, won’t pay for the groceries or get me a birthday present, and hasn’t taken me on a date in years. He watched me assemble IKEA furniture for HIS office without even offering to pitch in because “that’s what a good wife does” but moans when I ask him for a 10min lift and just the other watched me struggle with three very heavy bags on a 25min walk while he had noting to carry. Millions of examples like this but just trying to illustrate the dynamic. Tel

I know I can’t bring children into this marriage and I also know I can’t keep going like this much longer - I already feel like a husk of my former self - I need to leave but it terrifies me and I HATE to say it but… I still love him.

if you left a marriage very shortly after the wedding and/or early-ish in life I would really appreciate hearing from you. I know it’s different for everyone but I find a lot of the divorce material online is geared towards people who have been married a while and/or have kids etc. so would appreciate some insight from those who went through something similar to me.

thank you

ETA: separate finances, and although he claims I am “leeching” off him, I am so, so, SO certain that if we were to go through all our accounts, there would be irrefutable evidence that the opposite is true. The fucker manipulated me into buying him a car but has the gall to complain to me that he has paid for the last few MOTs and services.

So similar. Even down to telling me I ‘leech off him’, when I’ve ended up paying more than half of our bills. They’re completely entitled and deluded.

Please don’t have kids with your husband. I am left to do everything with the kids. He’s now starting to speak badly to the eldest. I’m getting out as soon as I can.

I know you still love him but you will get to the stage of absolutely detesting him.

Ps. Thank you ❤️ It was just a treatment for an autoimmune disease, but it still takes all day and wipes me out.

Good luck OP. I wish you happiness and peace xxx

Within a few months of leaving my ex I met my now husband and we have been happily married for 26 years and have two adult children. The way I feel with him was like night and day compared to my ex. Please do it, life goes by SO quickly. See it as short term pain for a couple of months for a very long term gain.

I was married at 23, and divorced by 25. We were together six years in total. I'm now in my 40's, happily re-married with no regrets at all! I made a mistake - my late teens/early 20's were quite traumatic, so I know 'why' I made the decision to stay with, and marry, someone who was definately not right for me.

Met at 24, married at 25, divorced at 31. Tbh in my case there was nothing particularly bad or wrong with him. He didnt want children and I was unable to reconcile myself to that. There were plenty of other issues between us but that one was obviously a dealbreaker. I bless him for having a vasectomy which made me face the issue, and which also means that I don’t live with a tiny version of him.

Here’s the thing. You don’t need labels or to reach some kind of a threshold or to have zero emotion about it before you leave. Nor am I going to guarantee that you will be happy or anything. It’s a grown up decision and divorce law says, if you’re an adult making an adult decision, you can do it; managing it is up to you. I’m glad that you have family. Get a lawyer, get a job.

What got me to the point was imagining retirement with him - the two of us in some isolated fancy house with a gleaming kitchen and a cat and a huge telly but no people, ever, because he didn’t like anyone. That was a hellish prospect and I knew then I needed to go. You KNOW if you met him now you’d never marry him. Time to get busy living.

OP you are in an abusive relationship. You need to leave ASAP and please please please do not have children with him. He’s vile and you need to leave please get help to do so.

The thing is they don’t show their bad side in day one, they get under our skin gradually until you are behaving and accepting being treated in a way you’d never have expected.
no easy way to leave but do it safely and soon, find a place to go to and just do it, best thing I ever did!

I left my second husband after six months, my brother did the same with his first wife. Mistakes happen, staying compounds it.

You’ve got two great potential next steps here: go to your parents place and get a job there or go to your friends and settle there.
You will 100% not regret leaving the abusive asshole. Your life could be so much happier than it currently is.
I'm cheering you on OP!!

He could be the nicest man in the world and it would be ok to not want to stay married. You don't need to have "enough" reasons to justify to anyone else.

You sound like you have made your decision but want to justify it to others. Understandable but I don't think you need to.

On a practical level, if you are physically safe, think about how financially entwined you are. Do you share bank accounts, mortgage/rent agreements, any other debt. If not , how many shared belongings do you have. Think about short term needs like where you would live if you leave. From there you can make a plan.

If you think there is a risk of physical violence when you tell him, leave an emergency bag with someone else with money, your passport and spare clothes in it and tell him over the phone not face to face.

I realised early in my marriage that I should not have married anyone. I am too selfish and independent to compromise. Fortunately we had no children. We divorced amicably and remained friends. My ex marriad again subsequently and went out to the middle east to live and work. We were still in contact until his death last year.

Marriage involves the sacrifice of self to live intimately and tolerate another human 24/7. I am unable to do that. I was not intended to be "one of a pair" because I am complete within myself.

It does not matter what names, diagnosis or labels are applied to him. If you are unhappy, you can leave.

I was divorced with a child before I was 30. I wrangled with the idea of leaving him for months. As soon as I did it I knew it was right.

That was 25 years ago and my life has only improved since I left.

I left - 11 years together married eight months and now, 11 years on, I completely don’t think about him. Without a doubt do it OP. You’re so young - don’t trap yourself for life. You have one precious life so absolutely do it xx

I got married in my mid-twenties to someone who was very controlling and 11 years older. I was at an extremely vulnerable point in my life and I knew in the run up to the wedding that I was making a massive mistake but the invitations had gone out, etc…

I left him after 3 months. I had to wait a year for a divorce but I’ve never regretted leaving for a second, even though it caused a lot of raised eyebrows/bitchy comments. It’s a small price to pay in order to take your life back. x

If you're not currently working then I think you should go stay with your parents for a 'holiday' or because they need 'help' with something. Get all the financial info you can before you leave, take everything you can and dump anything you can't get in hold luggage in a friend's garage. Tell your parents how scummy he is and file for divorce. Apply for jobs ASAP as well.

The only worse thing than 2 years is 20 years. Get out now, it’s all going to hurt. Sorry x x

I hope you will be ok x

I ended my first marriage at 30 after 24 days. I had to wait until a year in to divorce him. I loved him and he talked me back several times - truth is I was trauma bonded and desperate at 30 to be married and have children. The divorce was hideous. But I packed my bags and left.

I remarried at 39 and that didn’t last either I had children with him and house etc and he like your husband eroded every bit of my esteem.

I then got some serious therapy did the freedom programme went NC with my abusive friends and family. Concentrated on my children and dog and then met my current husband - he doesn’t shout, doesn’t raise his voice, we talk, he listens, he more then pulls his wait and we work together.

In your case leave and plan your exit. Eg redirect post, make sure he is away and pack up all of your possessions etc and pack and leave. File for divorce, ask him to be amicable.

Ask yourself what love is? Because it isn’t him. You might think you love him the reality is you love the version of him you want and you can see he is an abuser.

Married and divorced 3 times. First marriage, 19 and last divorce 57. The first 2 were easy in that there were no children involved. I hung around longer than I should the last time due to DC and it got complicated and almost broke me.
It's never too early or late to decide that it's not working for you. Time/age is almost irrelevant in these matters. The important thing is that you start making plans, one step at a time.