Am I a freeloader?

[FFSIsThisReallyHappening]

Hi, I just want to get some outside perspective please. Have been with DH over 20 years, 2 DDs. Generally get along fine though there have been various times over the years when I have felt unhappy - making me feel stupid over little things, being snappy. He has ADHD, it blows over quickly though it leaves some emotional scars.

It’s been more stressful over the last year as having work done to the house, very typical stress I know. We have had to put A LOT of final expenditures on interest free credit cards due to extra work added on - not ideal but fortunately we are both high earners in full time stable jobs and this isn’t a problem in the longer term. But causing stress at the moment, particularly for me as a naturally more cautious person.

Anyway, he has now essentially called me a freeloader and taking advantage of him as he has put far more on his credit card than I have. It’s true it’s - about 2.5times the amount i have. Although his salary is also double mine.

We’ve always had a fairly casual approach to finances. Both kept an individual account and a joint account for the usual shared expenses. But we both pay for joint things ourselves and don’t really keep tabs. He pays more but mine also not insignificant - all the kids clubs and activities for example.
He also pays more into the joint account, though not double.

Essentially it’s really hard to keep track of fairness of finances as we have been so casual. However I do know for sure that he has far more money to spend on his own fun activities than I do. He has been on at least 3 foreign trips in the last year with friends and not cheap ones - think skiing In Switzerland. I have had time away too but always staying (for free) with friends. You can probably also guess he has an expensive cycling hobby as is obligatory on Mumsnet. Clearly some of this has gone on his credit cards. Genuinely I spend far less on myself and this is not me being delusional.

I am really upset that he has essentially told me I am taking him for a ride. Yes he has clearly spent more on things though this decision making to keep adding on home improvements has come from him. Yes I also benefit, as he says, but I still don’t see how that makes me a freeloader. Bottom line is whilst he has paid more, I have still contributed substantially and I feel that his hugely more extravagant lifestyle shows it not me that is taking the piss.

Please can you tell me if I am wrong in my viewpoint. I can see it superficially from his point of view but it doesn’t stand up to closer examination in my view.

And if we can get past this, what is actually a fair way to manage fianances when there is significant financial mismatch.

How does he suggest that it should be split? At the very least though, calling you a freeloader without having an adult conversation about it is not on, and would have my back up a bit too.

Whatever you can agree on surely? We split everything 50/50 though I earn around minimum wage and partner is six figures (just). It's not his fault I earn less. I like being self employed and last year I earned £46k work8
Ing for someone else on top. Many people choose han6 ways to split things

I think he is stroppy because it leaves him with less to spend on his leasure activities.

You are married, both are benefitting from home improvements.

It’s impossible to keep track of who puts in more because not everything has a price tag. I bet you’ve taken maternity leave 2x, what’s the price tag on that? House chores? Cooking, mental load, time for kids activities?

Also, he is earning more and call me old fashioned but i expect him to look after his family and show a bit of generosity.

I don’t see how you can be called a freeloader.

Sorry it won't let me edit. Not drunk, promise

We haven’t got to a place where we are even talking right now. Have said we will discuss at weekend when we have both calmed down. It’s the accusation that really upsets me. It’s a real judgment of my character that I don’t agree with. Of course I enjoy that he has some money and we can enjoy nice things together. But I also contribute.

Ask him for a plan for how he thinks you could make it fairer - given he’s the one with the issue throwing insults around. He is jointly responsible for the situation you find yourself in and if he doesn’t like it he needs to behave like an adult and propose a solution. Not insult you like he’s a little boy. Cheeky bastard. I’d hit the roof if I was you.

Thanks @2026Y , agree it’s a good idea to ask him what he expects. I have some weird fantasy that he will talk to his friends (he is out tonight) and they might give him a reality check about how most reasonable couples manage finances.

And @BeenThereBackThen , not been quite as unfair as you fear. Definitely do the vast majority of parenting and associated mental load, but he does fair share of cooking and he also did the mental load for house renovation and other more exciting things like holidays.

He’s clearly keeping tabs

Well he is now. He’s been busy transferring some direct debits to the joint account but there won’t be enough to pay all these from our current contributions. And I can’t do the same as I receive childcare vouchers through work and other childcare costs are more as job than direct debit

Massively rude and uncalled for OP. The irony is that if you were to make it 'fairer', he would be paying a lot more and you'd be contributing less. Taking into account salaries alone. But even more so including household chores, cooking, shopping, child related admin and tasks, mental load.
Sorry but this sounds like a serious issue. Don't let him minimise it when you talk about it. He doesn't get to talk about you like that and then try and make out you're being too dramatic.

How can you be a freeloader when you’ve given him 2 DC? Joint finances immediately and an end to the name calling or you walk. Or just walk.

Looking at this pragmatically, could you earn more than you do? Did your career take a hit when you had your DC? Has he been able to progress further & faster due to your shouldering the pickups, the doctor visits, children's sickness, etc?

You say he has more disposable than you. To me, that's unfair but, either way, what does he do with his? If he's feeling the pinch now, where's it hurting and have you been putting up with similar sacrifices for years?

You need that talk. When you have it, make sure you take a stepped-back view of the whole situation. Don't get bogged down in the present high-stakes situation without proper context.

Freeloading would be you taking advantage of him financially, and that doesn't seem to be the case.

In which case that was a HUGE insult to your character and shows a lack of respect for you and what you bring to his life.

What is going on with him.that he was say or think this of you?

He's an arse. You're a high earner, he's your HUSBAND and he earns twice as much as you. You're not a freeloader, it's absolutely ridiculous that he would say that.

It sounds like he's looked at the totals and got himself stressed out about it, but that is no excuse to treat you with such hurtful contempt. You are clearly not a freeloader - you both work hard and contribute to a shared home and family!
If he's scared about money, he should admit that and talk it through, not make an enemy of his partner!

Thanks everyone. @GarlicFound I’m lucky that my career hasn’t really suffered from Mat leave and a year of part time work I guess in part due to the industry I’m in. I’ve been quite focused and essentially kept up with peers. Its a career that has been surprising easy to work flexibly and I do 90% (literally) of school drop offs and pick-up. I also do bits and pieces on top of my full time job and I don’t really have scope for much more. I had to step down from a formal additional role previously as I found it too stressful to balance everything - however this was when kids younger and more needy. I could do more but most of my colleagues think I do a lot already given my parenting responsibilities.

DH has been enabled in his career by me being the default parent. However I genuinely don’t mind this as I don’t think I have reallly suffered as a consequence. I am successful in a job I really enjoy, but unfortunately he is pretty stressed and miserable in his.

After joint account contributions, I think he has around £2000/month more disposable income than me. Apart from the big expenses mentioned above, he is generally more spendy than me. Clothes, nights out etc etc

This.

Freeloader doesn't mean he thinks it means. You are a high earner, working full time, you have birthed and raised two of his children.

Probably if it were me I would do some serious maths about your lost income (if any) the inequality of your spending, the inequality of free time (if the case but if he's been on three holidays then it must add up) and squash the excel sheet into his face.

It does make me wonder if he's rewriting history a bit and if he's been looking elsewhere. Wouldn't be the first time for a middle aged high earner to start thinking he could do better....just to warn you.

2k more a month!!!!😲

Christ, what a bastard he is, and what a really nasty insult.

I'd start to think carefully about whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with this unpleasant man.

Get the spreadsheet out. If he’s putting direct debits into your joint account that weren’t there previously you’ll presumably need to reduce the amount you put in the joint to balance out the childcare payments. Work out what a proportionate split according to your differing incomes would be. Spell out for him how much spending money he has in comparison to you.

You have children together. In my view, once children enter the equation all previous ancient arrangements are null and void. All money should become joint money except from an agreed equal amount you both take out for personal expenditure. House renovations are joint expenditure because the whole family live there. Anything else is unfair. It does sound as if you could both do with sitting down and going through it all, though. But I do agree calling you a freeloader is both horrible and unfair. Its both your responsibility to agree how money should be spent.

It’s so weird your married have kids and have separate finances.

I think that all income is family income! Does he go on fancy holidays while you and the kids do cheap stays with family/friends???? I can't imagine the level of selfishness on his part 😯

At 2k a month, that means he has 24k a year to fritter on himself. I'd be having a discussion at the weekend for sure. And either joining finances or contributing an equal percentage according to your salaries, then you can have more disposable income. I really can't understand these men who live like kings while their family has a frugal existence.

I am 100% certain I don’t have to worry about infertility. I know some will consider this naive. He’s not some monster that perhaps I am making out. He is hard working, kind, smart, strong moral compass, genuinely impressive. He would generally align himself to feminist principles. We have plenty of fins times together. But he seems to have a blind spot over this issue.

I think he has had a little panic and is now hitting out. I hope we can have constructive conversation and have a clear agreement how things should be divided in the future. Whilst he brought this up himself, it’s me that will feel far more comfortable knowing there is a clear plan.

However I won’t be able to forget his view of me. It’s been added to the tally of emotional scars

I really wouldn’t be impressed. You need to ensure he knows what non financial contributions you’ve made to the family.