Am I a freeloader?

[FFSIsThisReallyHappening]

Hi, I just want to get some outside perspective please. Have been with DH over 20 years, 2 DDs. Generally get along fine though there have been various times over the years when I have felt unhappy - making me feel stupid over little things, being snappy. He has ADHD, it blows over quickly though it leaves some emotional scars.

It’s been more stressful over the last year as having work done to the house, very typical stress I know. We have had to put A LOT of final expenditures on interest free credit cards due to extra work added on - not ideal but fortunately we are both high earners in full time stable jobs and this isn’t a problem in the longer term. But causing stress at the moment, particularly for me as a naturally more cautious person.

Anyway, he has now essentially called me a freeloader and taking advantage of him as he has put far more on his credit card than I have. It’s true it’s - about 2.5times the amount i have. Although his salary is also double mine.

We’ve always had a fairly casual approach to finances. Both kept an individual account and a joint account for the usual shared expenses. But we both pay for joint things ourselves and don’t really keep tabs. He pays more but mine also not insignificant - all the kids clubs and activities for example.
He also pays more into the joint account, though not double.

Essentially it’s really hard to keep track of fairness of finances as we have been so casual. However I do know for sure that he has far more money to spend on his own fun activities than I do. He has been on at least 3 foreign trips in the last year with friends and not cheap ones - think skiing In Switzerland. I have had time away too but always staying (for free) with friends. You can probably also guess he has an expensive cycling hobby as is obligatory on Mumsnet. Clearly some of this has gone on his credit cards. Genuinely I spend far less on myself and this is not me being delusional.

I am really upset that he has essentially told me I am taking him for a ride. Yes he has clearly spent more on things though this decision making to keep adding on home improvements has come from him. Yes I also benefit, as he says, but I still don’t see how that makes me a freeloader. Bottom line is whilst he has paid more, I have still contributed substantially and I feel that his hugely more extravagant lifestyle shows it not me that is taking the piss.

Please can you tell me if I am wrong in my viewpoint. I can see it superficially from his point of view but it doesn’t stand up to closer examination in my view.

And if we can get past this, what is actually a fair way to manage fianances when there is significant financial mismatch.

You need a spreadsheet of all the household outgoing.

wherever possible EVERYTHING should come out of a joint account and you each pay in proportionally what you earn eg if he earns double what you earn then he pays in double - 65:35 split.

if anything has to come out of one of your accounts the. You deduct that from what that person pays into the joint account.

I guarantee he’ll get a shock when he realises he’s not actually paying for as much as he thinks he is.

I know it seems weird to have apparently separate finances but that’s partly my choice. I like to feel more control over spending and having my owm account enabled this. And as I said, we never really worried about buying joint things from our own accounts. But the income disparity has grown over the last 5-10years - not because I’ve been held back, just because we are in different industries.

I don’t lead a frugal life so I feel a bit of a fraud even posting this. We do all go on nice holidays together and nice meals together. It’s just he does a lot more of that in addition! I also will go to some nice places with friends and without him, but my last 3 pairs of jeans have been from TKMaxx.

I could understand his comments more if you'd given up work when you had your children and relied solely on him from a financial perspective. But you haven't - far from it.

OP you're not a freeloader by any stretch of the imagination. I hope he's just lashing out in panic at the extra costs of the renovation and will sincerely apologise when things have calmed down.

I've been a stay at home parent for many years with a few part time jobs along the way. We had 5 kids and DH worked away a lot and one of our sons is severely disabled so once he left school I was full time carer from when he was aged 19 to 32, he has now moved into supported living. So I have not contributed much financially at all but I have taken on all the childcare and school runs etc so that DH could pursue his career. Not once has he ever suggested that I'm a freeloader. In fact, recently he showed me his pension statement and said that's money for our old age. In a marriage, you're supposed to be a team - don't let him make you feel your worth is less than his because he earns more money. If your roles were reversed, would he cope with juggling work and home/kids? I doubt it.

In an earlier post I meant I don’t have to worry about infidelity not infertility 🤦‍♀️

What makes sense to me is having all joint household costs coming out of the joint account : mortgage, utilities, childcare, groceries, etc plus joint savings for contingencies and family holidays. And both of you paying into those in proportion to your incomes, while having separate accounts for your own discretionary spending.

Arguably car costs as well, but in some cases that might not be fair. Eg. If he's chosen an expensive car that eats petrol and costs loads in finance & insurance, which only he ever drives, while you have a cheaper fully paid off car that both of you use as the family car. I wouldn't see it as particularly reasonable for his flash expensive choice to come out of the joint pot, while it might be reasonable for the family runabout to.

It sounds like he wants a single man's lifestyle if he's whizzing off on multiple expensive holidays a year without you and the kids.

I don't see why the children's clubs and activities come out of your money - they're his kids, right? So it should come out of the joint pot.

This. So you’ve managed to give him 2 children and are a high earner and I’m betting doing most of the childcare/domestic duties AND dealing with his intermittent rages? I don’t think you’re the freeloader here OP.

It doesn’t matter if you’re earning a million a year OP - if he’s earning so much more than you and begrudging spending a bit more on home improvements given you have literally risked your life to have his children then he needs a wake up call.

I think I would start the conversation with a “I think we both deserve equal leisure time and equal spending money, why do you think”.

If he thinks you deserve less of either then I would be very curious about he can justify it.

Once he’s stipulated what he thinks you both deserve then you can do the maths. I suspect he will be spending a lot more on himself than you are.

We did understand that since you have got 2 kids together ! With dh we have two kids as well- I don't work and dh has never called me a freeloader 🤷‍♀️. I am and have been 100% responsable for everything childrelated (one autistic with big behavioural problems). He wouldn't have the patience to deal with him- his job is stressful and involves travelling every week. I am happy not to work and focus on my dc (and cooking, cleaning, laundry, medical appts.) so it works out fine for us.

I’ve had a similar issue. I’ve worked part-time, done 90%+ of the housework and childcare, no shared finances - although he is generous on a day to day basis - so I’ve had mounting debt, no savings, rubbish pension, no real spare cash, no financial security and then he told me I was gold-digger who only cares about his money and offered nothing to the family.
It’s caused so much resentment on my part that we’re just limping along now, although he’s largely oblivious. I’ve found it impossible to get past it, and I’m just biding my time.
I hope you can have a reasonable conversation and agree on some things. I couldn’t.

I always had separate finances from my late DH bc I needed money for groceries and the DC, and I couldn't rely on him leaving it in the bank.

My husband now earns 4 times my salary. Some of this progression was facilitated by me giving up work (redundancy) after mat leave and then returning to a lower paid part time role when our DC were young. The working hours I have had have been fit around school have always benefitted our kids and our family and in turn, helped him progress career wise. We were renting for years and now finally own a house. He would never call me a freeloader and if he did, I actually think it would be a deal breaker for me. Your husband seems to have a lot of spare time, spare money and head space to enjoy multiple activities that do not include you or his children. That alone is a luxury he clearly doesn’t value. I’d be fuming OP you deserve a lot more and frankly, maybe he’s the one taking the piss here.

I really don’t understand a marriage, particularly one with children, where one partner has £25k of spending money per year more than the other.

My dh earns over twice my wage and everything goes in the joint account. Large expenses are discussed equally. No way either of us would buy something expensive for our hobbies without discussing it.

I couldn’t shag a man so utterly selfish.

If I was a high earner I wouldn't be told it was my problem another adult chose to owe money on a credit card.

My DH has always earned 4 x as much as me (neither of us our high earners tho) while we had four children, one with disabilties, and he was in the Forces for years. I've limped along with low paying part time jobs, doing the boring stuff, the admin, child care etc. Never once has he called me a freeloader and I would be livid if he did.
I've just left my job for good and am hoping to establish my own small business. It might work, it might not... but I'll be incomeless for a while at least. Still not calling me a freeloader but supporting me in making a change.

I think that is an outrageous thing to have said to you. I would be very hurt and angry. If he can't see that he could be putting his marriage in jeopardy. It is a remark I would find very hard to forgive.

Is in some kind of debt or bind that he is not telling you about? Where is this resentment really coming from.What is it really about?

As for all those separate holidays he treats himself to is a bit out of order.
His family should come first.

Sorry he has upset you so much..Hope things improve.

Best Wishes
😻
X

This 👆

So you both have amounts on interest free credit cards. This has been spent on the family / family home so it’s a joint debt no matter whose card it appears on.

Sit down and decide how you tackle the joint debt. Ideally both should be cleared by the time the interest free period ends. Work together on clearing the one that’s most urgent and then work together on the second one. Discuss, how much you both can afford to pay towards it each month. Doesn’t need to be equal, just what you each can afford to clear the debts together. The reason I say it doesn’t need to be an equal amount because all earnings belong to both of you.

The goal here is to clear the debt together. I think once you work together the pressure will reduce and it’ll become obvious no one is freeloading.

His salary is double yours so it’s a fair split.

YANBU (or free loading) you are partners investing in your property.

But that’s then not a true partnership, not in financial terms.

He is keeping the majority of his salary and you are putting half of yours in. That’s not equitable.

Saying “it’s not his fault he earns more” is faulty logic.

Is this coming from you or from him?

It really reflects poorly on him that he would ever go along with this arrangement.

I'm so sorry OP. He sounds like an unreasonable arsehole. My ex was like this. Selfish. My DH of 15 years is the total opposite. Everything goes in to the same pot. Nobody is keeping tabs. We're a team. I was a SAHM for nearly 10 years and whilst we had to be way more frugal back then, I never once felt that I couldn't dip in to the pot - I was bringing up the kids and shopping, cooking, cleaning, organising etc so we both had an important/valuable role and we both innately understood this. It sounds like he is being extremely unfair and unsupportive. You're married. You're a team. He shouldn't be keeping tabs especially when he's clearly a more extravagant spender with his fancy holidays. I think you need to be having a conversation about his selfishness.....Good luck x

Jesus Christ you're a team, you're married! He shouldn't be keeping score/tabs with anything. One pot of cash. One household. If anything HE'S the freeloader going on expensive holidays at your expense, while you can't afford to!. What kind of husband does this?? You should both have this opportunity....! You're a couple. I'm sure you would support him if you were the main wage earner....as long as he was contributing in other ways (unpaid housework and childcare). I'm sorry but he sounds so manipulative trying to make you feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about. He's trying to deflect his own guilt.....