Am I a freeloader?

[FFSIsThisReallyHappening]

Hi, I just want to get some outside perspective please. Have been with DH over 20 years, 2 DDs. Generally get along fine though there have been various times over the years when I have felt unhappy - making me feel stupid over little things, being snappy. He has ADHD, it blows over quickly though it leaves some emotional scars.

It’s been more stressful over the last year as having work done to the house, very typical stress I know. We have had to put A LOT of final expenditures on interest free credit cards due to extra work added on - not ideal but fortunately we are both high earners in full time stable jobs and this isn’t a problem in the longer term. But causing stress at the moment, particularly for me as a naturally more cautious person.

Anyway, he has now essentially called me a freeloader and taking advantage of him as he has put far more on his credit card than I have. It’s true it’s - about 2.5times the amount i have. Although his salary is also double mine.

We’ve always had a fairly casual approach to finances. Both kept an individual account and a joint account for the usual shared expenses. But we both pay for joint things ourselves and don’t really keep tabs. He pays more but mine also not insignificant - all the kids clubs and activities for example.
He also pays more into the joint account, though not double.

Essentially it’s really hard to keep track of fairness of finances as we have been so casual. However I do know for sure that he has far more money to spend on his own fun activities than I do. He has been on at least 3 foreign trips in the last year with friends and not cheap ones - think skiing In Switzerland. I have had time away too but always staying (for free) with friends. You can probably also guess he has an expensive cycling hobby as is obligatory on Mumsnet. Clearly some of this has gone on his credit cards. Genuinely I spend far less on myself and this is not me being delusional.

I am really upset that he has essentially told me I am taking him for a ride. Yes he has clearly spent more on things though this decision making to keep adding on home improvements has come from him. Yes I also benefit, as he says, but I still don’t see how that makes me a freeloader. Bottom line is whilst he has paid more, I have still contributed substantially and I feel that his hugely more extravagant lifestyle shows it not me that is taking the piss.

Please can you tell me if I am wrong in my viewpoint. I can see it superficially from his point of view but it doesn’t stand up to closer examination in my view.

And if we can get past this, what is actually a fair way to manage fianances when there is significant financial mismatch.

I feel like you might be missing the point. You doing more enables him to
earn more. Liking it isn’t the point. What would have been the relative cost to his career if he was the principal parent? If you weren’t there?

I can’t believe someone with enough spare cash to have 2K more than a high earner is even thinking/worrying about this. It’s clearly not born of financial worries so I’m afraid it’s purely out of disdain for you for some reason and he’s just being a gold plated wanker

If you do all drop offs and pickups and he couldn't ,due to work , that's a huge thing, because you are directly enabling him to earn what he does.
Is he a childcare "freeloader" then?

I wouldn't ask him what he thinks is fair, because he obviously thinks it's fair that he has 2k a month more than you to spend on his own luxuries, which is bullshit and totally unfair.

I'd want to say ok: from now on it's proportional ( to salary) contributions to the joint account, same or similar amounts for personal luxuries for each of you (or otherwise it's 50/50 on the logistics for the DC, maybe?). no more swanning off to wherever before these current bills are paid, and insist on joint decisions about major spends , without resenting them after.

Maybe i am old fashioned but I expect money in a marriage to be joint everything belongs to both of you! I cannot see the point of getting married if you carry on separating finances as if you were single. You both put money in the family pot and you should both be able to take out what you need and want. I would not stay married to someone who called me a freeloader😡

This! Sorry OP.

Also this.

I also wondered if he's "getting his ducks in a row" 🤔

This

if we can get past this, what is actually a fair way to manage fianances when there is significant financial mismatch.

I'm surprised by the number of replies saying 'proportionally'. I see this as unfair: when one partner has hundreds more spending money than the other, they're living different lives.

I have only ever accepted equal spends (with adjustments as needed). Add up the household income and the household costs. Deduct costs from income, split the remainder in two.
Income - costs = discretionary.
Discretionary / 2 = personal money.

Some couples choose to make allowance for one spouse's costly special interest, which means the non-hobby person's paying half of that expense. This eventually causes resentment, but at least it's clear to see the sticking point.

Income added together, bills/expenses/savings deducted and what is left divided between the two of us.

We have never cared who earned more, we have always had the same 'spending money'. We are a team, equal partners with equal money. I could not have it any other way.

Having work done at home creates enormous stresses on everyone. Acknowledge that first then try and chat. He’s being an arse but pressures and workmen in the home are awful for everyone.

he has put far more on his credit card than I have. It’s true it’s - about 2.5times the amount i have. Although his salary is also double mine.
He pays more but mine also not insignificant - all the kids clubs and activities for example.He also pays more into the joint account, though not double.
I think he has around £2000/month more disposable income than me. Apart from the big expenses mentioned above, he is generally more spendy than me.

So he earns double what you do, but doesn't put double into the joint account. For fairness you should pay proportionally towards your shared bills/costs, so he's been the freeloader here. I would run through the above and say that. On this basis, he should have put twice that you did on the credit card anyway, so 2.5 times is not hugely out of proportion, and could be seen as making up for his deficits in other areas.

I don’t know the answer to your problem (except that obviously you’re not a freeloader and it is dreadful of him to say you are). But I don’t think you and your DH would agree to adopt the way my DH and I deal with finances: we have a joint bank account, into which the salaries of both of us and any other income are paid, and all expenses are paid for out of that. We’ve done it like that ever since we were married, though he has always earned more than me and I earned nothing while our children were small. We consult about particularly large expenses but otherwise just basically both know at what level we can live.