My boyfriend hasn't said "I love you" and probably never will - is that a problem?

[lena8007]

My (22F) boyfriend (21M) and me have been together for 10 months now, starting on our 11th. We've been dating for almost a year now and previous to that we'd been VERY good friends for a whole year.

The relationship is going absolutely perfectly and it's everything I wished to have: complete mutual understanding, unabashed support, shared interests, discussions and debates about anything and everything, lots of physical closeness etc. It's perfect apart from one little hitch: he never said "I love you".

I'm not someone who says "I love you" lightly. I grew up in a household where my parents never said it to each other and almost never said it to me either - I know they love because of their actions and a thousand other phrases that express their love and affection and pride, but never "I love you". I was always iffy about those words too and I always said I would never say them unless I really, really mean it.

7 months into our relationship, I realised I was in love with my bf. Considering the fact that we already were in a relationship, I didn't think much of it. I had a conversation with him, a long one in which I sat him down and I babbled a lot because I was nervous, trying to build up the narrative to what I'm going to say (I love you) and how I came to that conclusion. And his responde was that he is very honoured and he has a lot of love, affection and respect for me, but he can't say it back. After a long back-and-forth argument, we realised it was a difference in the meaning "I love you" has to us. For me, "I love you" is an expression of the intensity of my romantic feelings for him - for him, it's a very serious phrase that denotes a long term commitment, like marriage. Mind you, we're both in our early twenties, very career oroented, currently struggling with the job market. The idea of marriage never appealed to me and I never want kids either, so I DEFINITELY didn't mean "I love you" in the way he thinks about that phrase. But because of that, he didn’t say it back, and I ended up not uttering those words myself.

So now, almost a year into our relationship, he still hasn't said it. All other forums, when discussing this issue, say that it might be too soon and the timeframe they give for the ideal time is 3-6 months.... but that threshold already passed and I don't know what to do with this.

His actions, the other things he says to me, the way he pays attention, the jokes he makes, the way he understands me - I know actions speak louder than words and his actions are very loud, I really cannot complain. But if I never say "I love you".... he definitely won't..... should I stay? Or is it better to go our separate ways?

I put up with this for 5 years, he wouldn't even give me a compliment or say what he liked about me, it made me sad but I'd just come out of a 20 year marriage to a narcissist so was fairly sure this was all I deserved.

I'm now in a relationship where we don't say it out of habit, but do say it often. I realise now what I was missing out on before!

Have another conversation with him about how much this means to you and if he still won't say it then you need to decide whether it means enough to end the relationship.

Love is an all consuming feeling (especially in the early days).

If he loved you, he wouldn't be able to resist telling you, so it sounds as though he's not actually in love I'm afraid.

Sounds like it matters to you and that is what counts here. There is something about your relationship with this person that is making you doubt yourself in some way - hence posting on here. You doubt that it is reasonable to be told that you are loved and that is not a good sign. It isn't that he hasn't said the words "I love you" that is the problem for me, but the unmet expectation mismatch.

I think you need to talk to him about your expectations and needs and see if you are aligned or can align. If you are not, then best to find that out now and not 3 years down the line.

Respectfully, OP, you're both very young, and you sound unusually naive and inexperienced -- the 'counting the months' aspect of saying how long you've been together, and being friends for a 'whole year' is like a small child saying 'I'm going to be FIVE' soon!' and the 'sitting him down' to 'build up the narrative to saying 'I love you' is very teenage. Not surprisingly, as you've not long left your teens.

What I'm trying to say is that it's highly unlikely to last (you say yourself you've both career-oriented and struggling in the current jobs market) so I would focus purely on whether the relationship is enjoyable and working for you now.

And on whether it's stopping you doing anything you want to or should be doing, like moving away for a job in a field you want or a training opportunity.

If it's holding you back, preventing you exploring opportunities, or not actively enjoyable, then end it.

(I say this as someone in her 50s who's been with her DH since their student days.)

he is very honoured and he has a lot of love, affection and respect for me

This alone would give me the ick, mortify me, and make me run a mile, all simultaneously. He's honoured. He has affection for you. Ugh.

He says he 'has a lot of love' for you, but he can't just say 'I love you'? And he also genuinely thinks it denotes serious commitment, like marriage? I don't know - he sounds like he's either avoidant and has serious issues around expressing love, or he's just not that serious about the relationship.

You say actions speak louder than words, but choosing to refuse to say 'I love you' to you is also an action, reflective of how he feels.

Personally, I'd try to talk to him again, being honest about how it's important to you, and see how he reacts before deciding whether to break up or not.

He seems to have set rules on when saying I love you is acceptable, which indicates a certain rigidity of thoughts. The feeling of love and passion towards your partner can almost feel like a surge of feelings, and wanting one to express them. While he appears to show you love, he can't say it, why? Have a honest conversation- is it too early for him? Are your job circumstances impacting on his ability to fully commit? Perhaps he is too realistic about things? Does he feel an emotional connection? Share your thoughts about why it is important to you. Perhaps eventually you might strike a balance where he feels he is able to say it or else, it might give you a better idea of the relationship's prospects.

Actions speak louder than words. What you describe is demonstrating his love for you in my view.

I told DP that I loved her about 4 months in. She nearly bolted.

It was a good year on before she said it back to me, by which point we'd already had a child (the early stages of our relationship were kind of done in the wrong order). When she said it, it didn't even register for me that it was the first time, so I just kissed her on the forehead and said "I know".

Because I did know. I'd known from the moment I told her I loved her. She'd just gone out of her way to do this massive awkward favour for me, completely unasked, and when she did it I just thought "Bloody hell, she must really love me to do that. Y'know what, I love her too, I'll tell her." So I did.

It never bothered me that it took her so long to say it, because it was obvious she did. Saying "I love you" is easy. Its a couple of words, it doesn't actually require any depth of feeling to actually say it. Showing someone you love them is the far more difficult thing, and she did that every day effortlessly.

So what's wrong with saying the words if you know it means a lot to the person you claim to love?

Is he autistic? I'm with someone similar who is and who has something called Alexithymia: Roughly 1 in 5 autistic people experience alexithymia, which makes it harder to identify, understand, and describe their own emotions, not that they don't feel them.

So I feel although he is perfect in every way other than this he's never going to tell me that he loves me because he just doesn't tell people that.

Whereas I tell everyone in my life I care for that I love them so I guess we're just at different ends of the spectrum on that.

So it kind of depends on how important it is to you really whether it's a deal breaker or not. I'm in my 50s so it doesn't really bother me because I've been told by men in the past that they loved me and yet their actions have not reflected love one bit.

Wow, he’s honoured? Good for him.

we say it to each other probably 20 times a day 🤣 but it’s always special because it’s something you would only say to each other. Nobody else gets that part of you.

I would have a serious think about whether you want to spend your entire life ‘honouring and flattering’ someone who can’t be arsed doing the same for you.

Im sorry but if he was truly in love with you, he wouldn’t be able to keep it in.

I think for most people, they want the actions and the words - and when actions and words don't align in either direction, it can be discomfiting.

If someone seems to love you by their actions, then why would they refuse to say what they feel? If someone says it but doesn't act like they love you, what's going on? It can be destabilising and leave a person not knowing where they stand.

So having both actions and words in alignment is important for the vast majority of people.

it took me a really long time to tell my now DH that I love him. To me, ‘I Love You’ means a great deal. It means I feel as strongly about someone as I do about my siblings or parents.
I don’t think you can blame him for not saying it when he has been clear about how he defines love.

Feelings matter as much as actions. If he is not feeling love for you at this stage I’d question that too.

That’s really not the way it works.

If someone wants to reserve the words ‘I love you’ for the long-term partner that they envisage marrying and committing to for life, that’s perfectly OK. And it’s reasonable for a 21yr old to not yet be at that depth of commitment or depth of feeling. I think it actually shows maturity to think carefully about what those words mean.

That does not go hand in hand with him not being a loyal and honest boyfriend.

You have the free agency to not want that sort of shared sentiment. It’s your relationship as much as his. If it’s not for you, then leave.

Is he drawing a distinction between:

• "loving you" - that is feeling strong affection for you and showing love to you by his actions

• being "in love" with you, which is him feeling an almost uncontrollable surge of enormous affection and lust

If you think he is emotionally literate generally and that he may have realised this distinction, then from your description it sounds like he has the former but not the latter (yet). If that's the case, I'd give it time. Some people are slow burners.

I am cautious with my feelings and I hold back until I'm certain of someone. I loved DH very greatly, but I don't think I was actually "in love" with him until we'd been together a couple of years. After we'd made a big commitment I think I finally felt completely confident in him, because I immediately fell head over heels in love. Out relationship is happier than any other relationship I have ever known of. Sometimes slow burners are worth waiting for.

My DH struggles with this. He does say he loves me but not often. He's a wonderful husband and we've been together for coming up to 29 years now. In an ideal world I would prefer him to say it more often, but is it worth ending an otherwise great relationship?

he is very honoured and he has a lot of love, affection and respect for me

He likes you a lot, but you're not his person. Which means he's not yours. Time to move on and find someone who thinks you're the moon and stars.

Personally I wouldn’t have been dropping I love you 10 months into a relationship at 21.

And his responde was that he is very honoured and he has a lot of love, affection and respect for me, but he can't say it back.

Words mean things. It's significant that he won't say that. He's not going to tell you he loves you because he doesn't feel that specific way about you. He cares, he enjoys your relationship and that's what it is.

If you want more, you move on and find someone who does fall in love with you. If he doesn't love you, your relationship will never really progress.

I think you’ve offered some really valuable food for thought here - hopefully OP will consider your view as it explains perfectly why she may be feeling unsettled.

But that means the OP isn’t his person and he should release her instead of this mealy mouthed nonsense.

You both sound immature about 3 words, if the rest of the relationship is that good. I couldn't imagine being a fly on the wall for you having a serious conversation about the phrase "I love you" 🙈

And his responde was that he is very honoured and he has a lot of love, affection and respect for me, but he can't say it back.

If he supposedly feels all of that for you but still can't actually say 'I love you' knowing how much it means to you, he honestly doesn't sound like a keeper. It really doesn't come across like he feels as strongly for you as you do for him.

You’re in different places and unfortunately he’s not that into you so cut ties and move on