My boyfriend hasn't said "I love you" and probably never will - is that a problem?

[lena8007]

My (22F) boyfriend (21M) and me have been together for 10 months now, starting on our 11th. We've been dating for almost a year now and previous to that we'd been VERY good friends for a whole year.

The relationship is going absolutely perfectly and it's everything I wished to have: complete mutual understanding, unabashed support, shared interests, discussions and debates about anything and everything, lots of physical closeness etc. It's perfect apart from one little hitch: he never said "I love you".

I'm not someone who says "I love you" lightly. I grew up in a household where my parents never said it to each other and almost never said it to me either - I know they love because of their actions and a thousand other phrases that express their love and affection and pride, but never "I love you". I was always iffy about those words too and I always said I would never say them unless I really, really mean it.

7 months into our relationship, I realised I was in love with my bf. Considering the fact that we already were in a relationship, I didn't think much of it. I had a conversation with him, a long one in which I sat him down and I babbled a lot because I was nervous, trying to build up the narrative to what I'm going to say (I love you) and how I came to that conclusion. And his responde was that he is very honoured and he has a lot of love, affection and respect for me, but he can't say it back. After a long back-and-forth argument, we realised it was a difference in the meaning "I love you" has to us. For me, "I love you" is an expression of the intensity of my romantic feelings for him - for him, it's a very serious phrase that denotes a long term commitment, like marriage. Mind you, we're both in our early twenties, very career oroented, currently struggling with the job market. The idea of marriage never appealed to me and I never want kids either, so I DEFINITELY didn't mean "I love you" in the way he thinks about that phrase. But because of that, he didn’t say it back, and I ended up not uttering those words myself.

So now, almost a year into our relationship, he still hasn't said it. All other forums, when discussing this issue, say that it might be too soon and the timeframe they give for the ideal time is 3-6 months.... but that threshold already passed and I don't know what to do with this.

His actions, the other things he says to me, the way he pays attention, the jokes he makes, the way he understands me - I know actions speak louder than words and his actions are very loud, I really cannot complain. But if I never say "I love you".... he definitely won't..... should I stay? Or is it better to go our separate ways?

Yes—there is something between his approach and yours. His insistence that he won’t say this magical incantation until he is ready to bless you with permanent shackles of a lifetime commitment is just coldly withholding some natural part of intimacy at this point. I would leave him over this. He is reserving the phrase for someone he likes better than you while pretending that he is protecting future you from the phrase being used frivolously. He’s future faking you. You are ms right now for him not ms right.

Describing someone as 'your person' is the mealy mouthed nonsense. And it means nothing of the sort – it simple means he puts a different weight on saying 'I love you' than OP does.

If he's happy with the relationship, then of course he doesn't have to 'release her'. If OP's needs aren't being met and being on the same page with 'I love yous' is her line, then she can release herself. He has explained himself, and she can take it or leave it.

You can't put a time-stamp or formula on an individual's preferences of expressing 'I love you' with the intent that they personally mean it.

It’s only been 10 months and you’re both in your early 20s. He’s told you what love means to him and that is ok, you can’t control how someone feels or their meaning of love. Maybe in a years time he might feel you are the one to marry and then tell you. He’s said he has love for you and the way you describe the relationship he shows that. I’d rather have someone show me they love me with their actions rather than tell me everyday

You both sound as if you’re both in love with each other, or at the very least love each other.

In my view saying ‘I love you’ should be spontaneous.

I really don’t know why you had a deep intense discussion about it, and I don’t know why he connects it with marriage etc. Perhaps you both need to chill out a bit and not be so serious.

BUT if he remains uptight about it in the next few months, maybe he really is not the one for you.

For DP, it was fear. Her previous relationship prior to meeting me involved being engaged to an abusive man, and feeling utterly trapped.

As a result, when she met me, she felt this massive need to not get too serious too quickly. It manifested in lots of ways, most of which I didn't even notice, like not wanting to leave a toothbrush / change of clothes etc. at mine. Saying "I love you" would have been admitting to herself that things were serious. I didn't know any of this at the time, only found out much later.

Ironically, I have never actually felt so loved in the first year of a relationship as I did with her. The way she looked at me, the things she did for me, the ways she wanted me included in her life.

For instance, Halloween is massively important to her (we own more halloween decorations than Christmas ones!) The first year we were together she was working late, so we hadn't seen each other all day. She turned up at my house at 10pm in costume, with a giant fake spider, a load of decorations and sweets. Hung them up, gave me a kiss and buggered off again to meet her friends for a night out, leaving me and my housemate utterly bemused.

For me, that was such a sign that I was important to her. Even when her favourite day of the year was utterly jam-packed, she wanted me to be included in it in some way, even if just for 5 minutes.

I totally get that some people need the words, and if that's important for OP, then they're obviously incompatible. But personally, the words could never live up to feeling like I did that evening.

Well then hes being controlling as hes controling the narrative and then next it will be no i cant do that as i dont like it etc etc yes you both are really young but its compromise and hes telling you he wont compromise, also he may not actually feel it in which case he needs to go, he is keeping his distance, i would make yourself very unavailable and see what happens, does he see you still as friends, is sex amazing, does he light your fire, is he romantic, does he miss you, are you his world or is he luke warm

You are putting a lot of importance on three words, especially considering you say you see the lice between your parents though you rarely hear them say it. Put aside the words for a minute, how does he make you feel: do you feel safe, cared for, wanted, loved? You say he does show you he loves you so why are you still so unsatisfied?
Consider why hearing him say those words is so important?
Imo, you are over dramatising things and talking in extremes "what if he never", it's been months, not years. Are you trying to sabotage things? It sounds like you are looking for problems or making drama where there is none to me.

Think this is unnecessarily harsh

... he has a lot of love, affection and respect for me, but he can't say it back. After a long back-and-forth argument, we realised it was a difference in the meaning "I love you" has to us. For me, "I love you" is an expression of the intensity of my romantic feelings for him - for him, it's a very serious phrase that denotes a long term commitment, like marriage.

Your romantic feelings for him might or might not be "love", so I understand his resisting saying "I love you" (in the context of being IN LOVE WITH you) if he feels he may simply be infatuated, or if he's not sure if he loves you romantically rather than mainly as a friend.

On the other hand, his definition of "I (am in) love (with) you" is different from the way most people understand it. Love can certainly exist before and outside of marriage or the intention to get married and, of course, engagement or marriage can exist without love). If he can't tell you honestly that he reciprocates your feelings, whatever words he uses to say that, then it's a pretty safe bet that he does not. Only you can decide if you want to wait around and see if he does - and if he does, whether he's willing and able to tell you.

I disagree. Age has little to do with it once both parties are adults. After almost a year in a relationship "I love you" is not an unreasonable expectation because otherwise what's the point of it all. Emotionally stunted people don't suddenly change with age. It's important for her, it would have been important for me at that age too, so if he can't reciprocate, this is a problem.

He doesn't see you as "his forever dream girl" and wants to keep his options open.

You're both young and given where you say are in life, I actually think a relationship with a bit of a time limit might be Ok?

I was very different at 30 to how I was at 21.

I agree with @PheasantandAstronomers take.

If you're allies and friends and in the same city (possibly splitting living costs) and its a good practical arrangement then it might work well for this life stage.

A nice boyfriend who isn't your forever, may work better than doing the "dating circuit".

I wouldn't turn down a job offer in another city or country (or relocate for him) though. Nor would I do long distance or make big sacrifices to keep the relationship going.

Keep your opportunities open and keep growing as a person, don't plan "as if" you're ending up together.

Nor would I think about babies, marriage etc.

Actions are the important thing in a relationship. Sometimes words can be empty. That said, it's important to you. When we care about someone we do little things for them. Things that would not necessarily be our first choice. Not every day but once in a while. It's kind and it's decent and it demonstrates our inner feelings. I am not convinced this is the relationship for you OP. I think you can do better. Please be careful.

I don't think it matters, ONLY because from what you have said about him and your relationship, he SHOWS that he does indeed love you very much. The things you describe about your relationship ive never ever had in all of the relationships in my whole life. So dont ruin it just cos its too hard for him to say it.

If you've said it and you love him, I'd say yes it is a problem. If you're having fun and don't feel that attached, no it isn't.

I don't get it, sorry.

Even at 20 I knew I wanted to get married and have kids at some point and so I had relationships moving toward that. I didnt actually WANT that stuff AT 20, I just didn't want to date a time waster who wasnt moving toward it.

I'm now 40 and married with kids.

If you're happy and you don't want either of those things, ever, then what more do you want than everything in your second paragraph? You're still in the mucking around having fun stage, which is what you want. Right?

But if you aren't happy, think about why that is. Maybe you actually do want a boyfriend who wants to move into adult life together, buy a house etc?

I don't get modern dating, fair enough, but experience has taught me not to waste 5 years on a bloke stringing me along (which I did) and so my advice is don't waste time with a boyfriend that isn't planning a the next step with you, even if it isn't going to happen straight away. And don't get trapped with a future-faker.

If he wanted you to think or know that he loves you, he would say it. Therefore the only valid assumption you can make is that he does not love you (he likes you and cares for you.).

I have recently ended a longer relationship than your’s because of this. Of course he was able to say he loved me… after I had ended it, but it was too little too late by then. He thought that because I loved him, I could do all the love in the relationship and he could do all the “being loved”.
My advice is to take a big step back, and become a lot less available.Be upfront that knowing your feelings are not reciprocated is giving you pause for thought on the whole thing.

I told my husband I loved him around 9 months into our relationship but he didn't say it to me until 16 months. Wehave been together 15 years this month.

My husband didn’t actually say he loved me until the day he proposed, 3 years into the relationship. He’s told me every day since. It didn’t particularly worry me, I knew we were happy, I felt loved, and that’s all that mattered. To him, saying it was like sealing the final commitment to ‘forever’, we have been happily married for many years now

I think you both put too much emphasis on a short sentence. Actions do speak louder than words. At the same time I think he is being very rigid to not say it.

So agree..loving someone and wanting to tell them just surges and bubbles up from within and is a joy to express ..someone so rigid would hurt me over and over. I really wouldn’t want that.

Others have talked about being 21 not sure what relevance that has - if you are in a relationship , having sex etc..

OP doesn’t say they are dating

He’s either making shit excuses because he doesn’t love you OR he’s holding it over you as some sort of carrot to hope for in the future and not telling you out of spite.

Saying “I love you” is not some massive deal reserved for a proposal of marriage - it’s literally just something you say to a person when you love them. If he has love for you as he says, then he’s already there. Unless, of course, he’s just panicked and made something up because he’s more casual about his feelings and your future.

I never knew this...and I'm in my 50s!!! I've never heard of it, but I definitely have this (I'm also autistic) and it explains so much, thank you.

(Apologies OP, I have no advice...don't want to derail your thread).

I could have written this myself 10 years ago. After about 2 years he started saying it, now says it 20 times a day. It was so annoying, knowing you are loved but not hearing the words. If he’s doing everything else right and you’re happy, stick with it❤️

Personally I am of the school of thought that love is an action, not a word. My DH is autistic and does not say ILY at all but he shows me daily that he does. Fortunately for me, they are not words I need to hear and we are very secure in our relationship 24 years in.

It matters to you so it’s important. If you feel it, say it whenever you want to express it. If he doesn’t say it back over a period of time you’ll know when it becomes a deal breaker.