My boyfriend hasn't said "I love you" and probably never will - is that a problem?

[lena8007]

My (22F) boyfriend (21M) and me have been together for 10 months now, starting on our 11th. We've been dating for almost a year now and previous to that we'd been VERY good friends for a whole year.

The relationship is going absolutely perfectly and it's everything I wished to have: complete mutual understanding, unabashed support, shared interests, discussions and debates about anything and everything, lots of physical closeness etc. It's perfect apart from one little hitch: he never said "I love you".

I'm not someone who says "I love you" lightly. I grew up in a household where my parents never said it to each other and almost never said it to me either - I know they love because of their actions and a thousand other phrases that express their love and affection and pride, but never "I love you". I was always iffy about those words too and I always said I would never say them unless I really, really mean it.

7 months into our relationship, I realised I was in love with my bf. Considering the fact that we already were in a relationship, I didn't think much of it. I had a conversation with him, a long one in which I sat him down and I babbled a lot because I was nervous, trying to build up the narrative to what I'm going to say (I love you) and how I came to that conclusion. And his responde was that he is very honoured and he has a lot of love, affection and respect for me, but he can't say it back. After a long back-and-forth argument, we realised it was a difference in the meaning "I love you" has to us. For me, "I love you" is an expression of the intensity of my romantic feelings for him - for him, it's a very serious phrase that denotes a long term commitment, like marriage. Mind you, we're both in our early twenties, very career oroented, currently struggling with the job market. The idea of marriage never appealed to me and I never want kids either, so I DEFINITELY didn't mean "I love you" in the way he thinks about that phrase. But because of that, he didn’t say it back, and I ended up not uttering those words myself.

So now, almost a year into our relationship, he still hasn't said it. All other forums, when discussing this issue, say that it might be too soon and the timeframe they give for the ideal time is 3-6 months.... but that threshold already passed and I don't know what to do with this.

His actions, the other things he says to me, the way he pays attention, the jokes he makes, the way he understands me - I know actions speak louder than words and his actions are very loud, I really cannot complain. But if I never say "I love you".... he definitely won't..... should I stay? Or is it better to go our separate ways?

Take this from a psychologist, if he’s not ‘in love’ with you within the first 18 months when the feel-good chemicals hit hardest, it’s never gonna happen.

It might be his overzealous core beliefs about what ‘love means’ and he’s not linking the word love with a feeling he’s feeling. Or he could have neurodivergence that means he’s never going to ‘get it.’ You can’t fix that.

Quite honestly, the only way you’re going to find out is to offer an ultimatum. If he has no sense of being ‘in love’ with you say 12-18 months in, you’re within your rights to say that “you’re not prepared to wait around to see if he will eventually fall in love with you.” This isn’t an arranged marriage, neither of you HAVE to do this. Although, if you use this ultimatum, you need to be prepared to walk away.

As a word of warning, if he tries to gaslight you for giving him an ultimatum (perhaps calling you emotionally manipulative, or taking a morally superior stance on the whole situation) definitely walk away. Once a couple move past the dating stage, expecting to be loved in your relationship (and be told) is absolute bare minimum.

You have given all you have to offer, so don’t let a man who’s ‘not that into you’ take the best years of your life. Wishing you the very best. If he’s not the one, your time will come. X

Just as a PS to those who are in relationships where their partner doesn’t say ‘I love you’re very much; they usually will have said it at least once though right? And that’s all the OP is asking for right now.

Is it a problem? Only you can answer that.

For those old enough to recall there was an interview with Charles and Diana when they got engaged and they were asked if they were in love, she said ‘of course’, and he said, ‘whatever love means.’ Now clearly he wasn’t in love with her and probably nor was she but one got the impression that he wasn’t capable of saying the words.

So if you are ok with not having the words spoken but you have a great relationship then go for it. If it’s going to upset you on a regular basis then maybe not.

I could have written your post word for word (including his reasoning), except we were a few years older. Being honest, it upset me for a long time, because by the time he did say it, we were living together and our lives were very entwined.

I stayed because I knew he loved me. His actions said it, his eyes said it. He just couldn't say it. Other than that, he was a wonderful and loving boyfriend, who has turned into a wonderful and loving husband and father to our children. He has no problem telling me or them how much he loves us, and does so frequently, and I know it's never just words with him.

It took him about 18m in the end, I think. He was worth waiting for.

This!
I'm also with a man in his 50s who shows me regularly how he loves me but cannot or won't say it at the 5 months mark. I've told him how I feel- I love him dearly. But he cooks for me, makes me morning tea and breakfast, pays for meals, buys me flowers, books holidays and makes sure to offer his hand so I don't fall when we go out for walks. He walks on the road side of the pavement and checks on my wellbeing (Are you cold? etc etc) He feeds my cats.
I think he is autistic. Well he at least has strong traits, and a family history of autism.
So would it be the end of the world if he doesn't say it? I feel no. Because I feel it.
But we have both been married before and had kids with other people.

I think putting someone under pressure to say that they love you is a bit unreasonable. At 21, I would have lied to keep you happy (if I wanted to stay in the relationship).

The relationship being 'perfect' is also a bit irrelevant. When you love someone, you love them even when it is all a bit shit and this can be the time you realise how much you actually love them.

My BF took a year to say he loved me and when he did he gave me specific reasons why. It was lovely genuine and extremely heartfelt. I loved him the minute i saw him but also bloody hated his political views.

My ex told me he loved me all the time but he was a lying bastard and his actions did not match his behaviour
So the answer is its just a word. Its how he makes you feel and how he acts that counts.

Thats lovely

Your guy sounds like mine. He's so gentle and sweet and caring. Looks after me in every way. Worries about me, cooks for me, got out of bed to plug in my phone to charge when I forgot and it was too cold and I was cosy..... etc etc

Yes it would be nice to hear it at some point, but I understand that he doesn't tell anyone so I don't take it personally. He's absolutely lovely 😍 I feel loved and cared for.

Personally I wouldn't get too obsessed about the words "I love you".

If you're in a content and happy relationship with your bf ,why don't you just enjoy what you have?

The words I love you aren't magic and can also roll easily and meaninglessly off the tongue of someone who's cheating, or mistreating you at the same time. They're just words.

Think about your own words that describe your relationship at this time:

The relationship is going absolutely perfectly and it's everything I wished to have: complete mutual understanding, unabashed support, shared interests, discussions and debates about anything and everything, lots of physical closeness etc ".

It might cross my mind if I were you that he grew up in a house where "I love you" wasn't used, or wasn't applied to him, or came to mean nothing by the actions of the person saying it.

Your BF might never feel comfortable saying those words or he may it may just take him a lot longer.

If he treats you well, makes you happy, you feel comfortable with him, and he is supportive, that's a lot more than a lot of couples have, even those who routinely hear the words "I love you"; words that become empty when not part of loving relationship.

Are you claiming to be a practising clinical psychologist? Or are you saying you studied psychology at university? There's a big difference.

I can't believe a healthcare professional would have such a pitiful understanding that people are different. Different characters, different backgrounds, different experiences. You cannot say that if being "in love" does not happen within 18 months that it never will, for every single person and situation ever. That's ridiculous. Especially when I, and other posters on this thread, have already said that it did indeed take us longer than that to fall "in love", and that we are still in happy relationships with that person years later.

A year?? Too long?? Wtf?? People have proposed in that time! It really, really shouldn't be this hard.

And his responde was that he is very honoured and he has a lot of love, affection and respect for me, but he can't say it back

For me, "I love you" is an expression of the intensity of my romantic feelings for him - for him, it's a very serious phrase that denotes a long term commitment, like marriage

Although that isn't impossible, it does remind me of men who say things like marriage is 'just a piece' of paper - a often-used lie to fob women off when they know something's wrong.

I'm really sorry OP, but this is his way of saying that he thinks you're very nice, that you get on well, he's probably enjoying the sex, support and fun times.....but you're not 'The One' for him, which is why he can't and won't say it back to you. Also, it's the reason why so many men are willing to move in with, buy a house with, and even have children with a woman (because that works for them financially and they get regular sex).....but they won't marry her, because deep inside, that is something they've reserved for 'The One'.

It's shitty to think it, but because you're both so young, I think he views your relationship as a very pleasant way of killing time until he does meet that woman who isn't just fun, pleasant & supportive, but knocks him sideways.

Some men I think also don't like saying it because of some weird macho thing where it's seen as submissive or unmanly to say this to a woman, to be that vulnerable (which is a red flag).

Don't be fooled by this whole 'love languages' thing you'll often find on women's forums. It's not a hard science, and men don't spend half the time pondering why they're not getting their needs met in this way, and why they have to accept it (which is often the conclusion of such posts).

Yes, words feel hollow if they're not backed up by actions, but sometimes things like actions or acts of service can hide ugly truths as well. Some men would rather do an activity alone for someone than having to spend time with that person and their personality...which is not good. Their partner feels emotionally abandoned & neglected because they can tell their partner doesn't enjoy spending time with them (which is the very basis of friendships and romantic relationships), but when they raise the issue they're told by that person (and other people on forums like this), that is is just the way they show their love, which is not the case.

This

I understand your history but those words should flow easily and freely when they are felt. I remember my husband calmly saying that to me for the first time and some 14 years later we've not stopped saying it since. It shouldn't be this hard really.

I was in a relationship.ptior for about two years and he never said it to me, so I never said it to him though I painfully tried to show him in my different ways. He simply didn't love me, when we broke up and I met my now husband the difference in that relationship was dramatic, and I couldn't have known as the first was my first long term boyfriend.

You deserve to have someone love you and able to say the words.

You're so young, I don't honestly think it actually matters. If you were 30 and saying you wanted marriage and kids in the next 3-5 years, I'd be saying "run, he doesn't love you, he's telling you the answer by not telling you an answer". However, if you're happy and having fun, enjoying each other's company then it's up to you whether you want to stay or go.
Without sounding cruel, it's unlikely to last anyway, you're both so young and we all experience heartbreak at some point before we find people we fall for. I sincerely think that when you find someone who you love AND who loves you back, you'll realise how wonderful it feels to be loved and this relationship will feel like a distant memory. However, whether you want to cut ties with this guy now, or later, is your choice - you've plenty of time to find someone truly invested in you and there's really no rush. If you desperately want someone to be in love with you asap, I'm sorry, I don't think he's the one and you should leave. If you're having fun, are happy to accept what he's telling you (he isn't in love with you) and want to enjoy your time together a bit longer - then true love can wait for you until youre ready and a bit older.

You are both very young and otherwise happy in the relationship. I think you should live in the moment for now and not be too caught up in when is the ‘right’ time for him to be able to say the words. It’s been less than a year. Maybe in time you will get a better idea of whether this is a deal breaker for you. He’s told you that saying I love you is equated with long term commitment in his mind. So, if in a years time he still isn’t saying that, that may suggest he doesn’t see this is a long term commitment and then I might be re-evaluating things if I were you. But for now just enjoy it.

Red flag I'm afraid. One of my exes didn't say it for about 8 months and 4 years later of waiting patiently for signs of proposal it ended in heartbreak. He liked me, just not enough.

With my hubby I actually said it first after about 5 weeks, which was nerve wracking to surrender ones power but I got I love you straight back. I said it because I couldn't not say it and he felt the same.

Sorry OP, he doesn't love you

You are both very young and it may sound like he’s not that into you. Your choices are see where this relationship goes (have you spoken about your futures?) or dump him and find yourself.

If it’s a problem for you, which I feel it is as you’ve come on here for advice, then it needs to be discussed. A relationship is about two people being able to express themselves. Yes, you cannot force him to say it, but if it’s important for you to hear that does matter too and shouldn’t be ignored. If my husband hadn’t said I love you for a year, I’d probably have left him, because to me that does meal a lot. So you have to look at the whole picture and see how important a factor this is to you.

So it shouldn’t be whether or not you should stay, as different things matter to different people. But would you be happy with a life of him never saying it? Or having to wait years? Are you happy with that compromise?

There is no right or wrong, it’s how much you value your own views and what you feel your can compromise on.

I could have written this exact post when I had a relationship like this in my early 20s. Everyone told me he clearly adored me, that he just wasn't demonstrative. And he said similar things to your boyfriend. We were together for about 2 years, and he was a good boyfriend - caring, thoughtful. But never said he loved me.

He didn't love me, and he dropped me really quickly when he met someone he REALLY wanted.

Don't be a place-holder, OP.