Husband doesnt help enough with kids & expects special treatment

[Sofrustrated982]

I am so mad today and need to rant. I already know i am absolutely stupid to have put up with this so long and I am already in the process of preparing to separate. But these instances just tell me im doing the right thing and I have noone in real life to talk to about it.
When our kids were little , my husband was a lovely dad. Engaged with them, played with them, really loving to them, we would go on days out together etc
I didn't realise at the time but he never did anything with them alone. He would have them alone in the house but never took them out alone whereas I did all of the time .
As the kids have got older and became actual individuals with personalities and opinions I noticed a change in him. Any hobby they wanted to do: football, brownies , cubs, kickboxing , and now they are teenagers needing lifts to and from places it became apparent that it was all on me . I have called him out on this many times and he just refuses to do it without giving a reason. So if I was ill or somewhere else then the kids just couldn't go their club etc.
Now my son is a much older teenager hes started to want to stay at friends later on weekends etc. Again its me going out late at night in the dark and cold to fetch him, otherwise he can't go.
Im happy to do this for the kids but why does he feel he doesnt have to do it? Partly why ive stayed with him is because if the kids had to spend 50% of their time with him they would never be able to do anything.
At one point he did help with a school run for one child. But that soon slipped and now I do 2 different school runs in the morning, go to work, and then 2 different school runs on way back. Whilst he does none. He will do it occasionally if I need to work late or something like that. He words it as im already out of the house so makes sense for me to get them on the way home .
This past 3 weeks the children and myself have been really poorly with a horrible virus. I had one 3 hour nap and the rest of the time I still had to take them and pick them up from various places (it was half term). One night I picked son up at 10pm, I had an awful fever at the time. Whilst husband was sat at home?
Now he has got it , and yes its a horrible virus. He has spent over a week resting and hasn't lifted a finger at home and its still ongoing now.
More fool me you would say, and im kicking myself over it, but if I stopped doing these things the kids would miss out.
Why is he like this? Im addition he acts like he is superior to everyone else and loves nothing more than telling the kids off or dictating to them about something.
My son now barely speaks to him at all. Not even hi and bye.
My daughter was much closer to him at one point but now shes getting angry about it and has started to call him out on it . (No input from me) he absolutely hates this but shes just speaking her mind. I cannot wait to get away from this man. Sorry just needed to rant

A judge would allow a 11/12 year old to choose how much contact they had with each parent - even zero contact. It sounds like there is no chance they would accept 50/50 and he’d be lucky to get a couple of hours a week.

As for the house- the longer you stay, the more your h gets as equity on the back or your parents’ money. Assuming that you got 50% of the house equity, would you be able to pay your h back?

If you split after the kids turn 18 then there would be no child maintenance. Is he employed or self employed?

The house, there is something called a declaration of trust that we both signed and so did a solicitor. That is 80% me and 20% him. On the land registry it says we are tenants in commen.
Ive already been to a solicitor but they said because we are married it can override this, even though we were already married when he signed it

The thing thats so hard to understand for me is he shows a lot of interest in the kids, such as their schooling , he spoils them rotten birthdays and xmas and he runs the house in a strict manner. If he didn't care about them at all then why does he do this? Why doesnt he completely step back? Or is it a completely different thing and he just likes the feeling of power?

You mentioned social media in another post. Do you (or the kids) post pics of presents? This is an easy way to look generous. Does he come from a family where his dad provided financially and he sees that as a sign of being a good dad?
And does he see being a good mum as doing all of the lifts like his mum did?

He doesn’t step back because he clearly enjoys control. He probably enjoys you begging for help with lifts etc and feels important telling the kids that he is owed respect because he’s their dad.

The 50/50 thing was an excuse.
Hes was very unlikely to want his dc that much.

Whats your excuse now that they are older?

Hes the way he is, because he can be.

More to the point, why do you tolerate it?

This.
you need to divorce while they are still dependents. You’ll get a much better deal.

Get a new.solicitor and start divorce proceedings. The reality is that a) he is a high earner b) you are the children's primary carer, c) you paid into the house and that was agreed post marriage and d) the children have a say so I think there's a pretty good chance you can walk away with a good chunk of the assets, particularly the house and that 50/50 is a non starter re time with dc.

There might well be a period where you cant get him.out of the house, but you may as well kick start proceedings bwcause the sooner you do, the sooner its resolved.

Trying to underatand why he is like this is pointless. I would say he's a very selfish man who probably does love hia children, but doesn't have the ability to prioritise anyone else or take responsibility for anyone else.

Do you wash his clothes, cook his meals,
do his admin for him eg appointments and dealing with his family re presents etc?

So instead of earning their respect, he demands it. The whole 'I am the adult, you do as you are told' is so damaging.

Leave, OP. Please. He's going to get worse as the children get older and start to front up to him more - it's going to be 'this is my house, do as I say or get out,' and they may well choose to get out as he's never earned their respect.

He does presents. He insists on it. I do all the family admin. Appointments for the kids again I do all of it. Hes basically just in the background

this is awful OP.

I completely understand feelings of regret - I let things get so bad I ended up in psychosis form stress and lost everythign in my life and ten years later still cant work. I get really distressed and my DH calls me a monster becasue I have horrific CPTSD and now PTSD from my psychosis - I nearly died and am left with disabilities and no ability ot earn money now. so I get it.

How is he in relation to you? does he show you love and affection? is he a long husband to you?

After a reasonably long marriage, the starting position is that all assets will be split 50/50 - but that is only the starting position for negotiation.
As there is clear evidence that you put in far more than him, and are the primary carer for the DC, it is highly likely (virtually a dead certainty) that you will get more of the house value than him.
Pensions also go into the pot-to-be-shared, so you may have a claim on some of his pension.

Don't worry about this - get a good solicitor and they will sort it out for you.

Worst case scenario is that you will have to move house with the children if you can't afford to re-mortgage the current one in your name alone. Look at that as a good thing - a brand new start in a house that you choose, with no sad memories of his lazy arse on the sofa.
Alternatively, you may be able to keep the current house if the financials work out and you want to stay.

Start the ball rolling. You can get divorced whilst he is still in the house, then he or both of you move out at the final settlement stage. There is no need for you to move out with the DC at the beginning.

As others have said, do it ASAP, before they get to age 18.
Start by finding a solicitor, and if relevant consult a mortgage advisor.

Do you still sleep with him?? I couldn't find any attraction at all to such a man but I'm reading all this and thinking... I bet he still wants sex as well and from what you've said, I bet you provide it. You must divorce him and stop this now. You're setting an awful example to your children as well. Do you want your daughter to live like this in her relationship in the future?

Your children need to be more independent as well. Unless you live on a mountaintop, I bet there are buses and stuff. I used to get two buses to school when I was 11. Nobody ever gave me a lift anywhere.

She said they’re not on a bus route.

Oh I missed that. That's so frustrating. OP should move somewhere more convenient after divorce!

If he gets a 50/50 split he probably wouldn't have to pay you maintenance.
Which is less than ideal.

So he’s strongly interested in things that he can show off to other people but not in what his kids are actually interested in

Get proper legal advice about your declaration of trust and where you stand with that. They are usually legally binding and if that’s the case you’d be in a good position. Was it signed after you married or before? Was it signed at the time of buying the house or later?

Get an appointment with another solicitor. You've got to work with what you've got. You can't stay with him for the rest of your life, you will have to accept that there will be a divorce settlement to reach and it will mean compromise in terms of finances, but there is no way of having your cake and eating it.

There is no way of keeping life as it is, and not having him in it.

Move forward, take action, he's a controlling coercive man, get some support from a helpline who will have seen all of this before. Women's Aid is a good place to start.

When you say “ he runs the house in a strict manner” do you mean that

he is responsible for all the household chores like cleaning, meal planning and cooking, maintenance, gardening, washing, overseeing homework etc etc and has routines that everybody follows ,

or

that he shouts up the stairs if he finds a pair of trainers left in the hall or an unwashed cup next to the sofa?

I suspect the latter and that household tasks and organisation is down to you.

Some people just think childcare is a woman's thing
Look at your words, @Sofrustrated982 :
"Husband doesnt help enough with kids ..."
"At one point he did help with a school run..."
"Ive begged him many times over the years to help me. "

The DC have two parents. It's not help you need, you need a DH who pulls his weight.

DH is very similar, and some years ago I just gave up trying to get him to listen to me. But, what I've noticed in latter years is that our children and now grandchildren won't have a bar of him. It's me they ring/message, me they ask for help and me they include in their lives. His distance and lack of involvement hasn't gone unnoticed. And it's really pissing him off but he still doesn't get it.

I only earn minimum wage whereas he is a higher earner.

The thing thats so hard to understand for me is he shows a lot of interest in the kids, such as their schooling , he spoils them rotten birthdays and xmas and he runs the house in a strict manner.

I suspect those two points give you your answer. He earns the money so (a) thinks that gives him the right to determine everyone's lives and (b) thinks that giving expensive gifts absolves him from any other responsibility to them. He measures (and runs) his life in £££.*

You won't win this one. Accept that you may not get what you'd like in a divorce, but he's a higher earner so it may not be all bad news.

*Do you split bills etc proportionately or does he insist you pay half?

aYiu have teenagers whose views would be followed so why stay?

Sorry, haven't RTFT but what kind of job does he do that he spends so much time loafing around the house?

In your situation I would certainly want to separate, sorry

He works from home so is always home.
Yes the strict house is shouting to tidy up etc. He does do a few chores but absolutely nothing that means i rely on him for anything.
We pay bills 50/50 and he saves money . H.i have nothing he has lots. Like I say hes generous with gifts and holidays etc and to other people. But day to day I would rather be living in poverty than put up with this. The kids want us to separate. They know that we wouldn't have money and they dont care!

He sounds more of a control freak here, not someone who cares. Sorry. And you're right, no way to live.