Husband doesnt help enough with kids & expects special treatment

[Sofrustrated982]

I am so mad today and need to rant. I already know i am absolutely stupid to have put up with this so long and I am already in the process of preparing to separate. But these instances just tell me im doing the right thing and I have noone in real life to talk to about it.
When our kids were little , my husband was a lovely dad. Engaged with them, played with them, really loving to them, we would go on days out together etc
I didn't realise at the time but he never did anything with them alone. He would have them alone in the house but never took them out alone whereas I did all of the time .
As the kids have got older and became actual individuals with personalities and opinions I noticed a change in him. Any hobby they wanted to do: football, brownies , cubs, kickboxing , and now they are teenagers needing lifts to and from places it became apparent that it was all on me . I have called him out on this many times and he just refuses to do it without giving a reason. So if I was ill or somewhere else then the kids just couldn't go their club etc.
Now my son is a much older teenager hes started to want to stay at friends later on weekends etc. Again its me going out late at night in the dark and cold to fetch him, otherwise he can't go.
Im happy to do this for the kids but why does he feel he doesnt have to do it? Partly why ive stayed with him is because if the kids had to spend 50% of their time with him they would never be able to do anything.
At one point he did help with a school run for one child. But that soon slipped and now I do 2 different school runs in the morning, go to work, and then 2 different school runs on way back. Whilst he does none. He will do it occasionally if I need to work late or something like that. He words it as im already out of the house so makes sense for me to get them on the way home .
This past 3 weeks the children and myself have been really poorly with a horrible virus. I had one 3 hour nap and the rest of the time I still had to take them and pick them up from various places (it was half term). One night I picked son up at 10pm, I had an awful fever at the time. Whilst husband was sat at home?
Now he has got it , and yes its a horrible virus. He has spent over a week resting and hasn't lifted a finger at home and its still ongoing now.
More fool me you would say, and im kicking myself over it, but if I stopped doing these things the kids would miss out.
Why is he like this? Im addition he acts like he is superior to everyone else and loves nothing more than telling the kids off or dictating to them about something.
My son now barely speaks to him at all. Not even hi and bye.
My daughter was much closer to him at one point but now shes getting angry about it and has started to call him out on it . (No input from me) he absolutely hates this but shes just speaking her mind. I cannot wait to get away from this man. Sorry just needed to rant

‘Why is he like this?’

Ask him?

At a guess he sees his money as exact equivalent to your time, attention, thought, planning, energy and pension contributions.

I do ask him, all the time. More than once a week i will end up having a meltdown at him, or everytime i go out the door to take them somewhere i will make a sarcastic comment to him as I leave about it being me again. He just doesnt answer me. I know this is petty and childish but something has snapped in me and I cant help it.
Regarding the kids lifts etc, we live semi rurally and not on any bus routes. All of their friends parents take and fetch their children too. We do car share and take it in turns but I know there has been comments as to why their dad doesnt do lifts . I have also had to ask sons friends parents for lifts/help far more than I should have done. Now son tells me not to ask them so much as its unfair. But thats because they all have 2 parents to share the load. But im a single parent who happens to be married.
My social media is full of photos of me and my children. Husband isnt in them as he wasnt there. People often message me to ask if we have separated. I have also told him this that people notice and comment on it and he just says im talking rubbish

Being completely blunt, your husband doesn't care about you or his children. If he did he would get off his arse and take them to football, dance class, friends houses etc.

He knows it's important for them and would take the pressure off you. But he watches you exhausting yourself running around after them and just sits on his arse not giving a shit.

I know that sounds brutal but that's the reality of it.

What's stopping you from leaving him?

You may be the lower earner but you're entitled to at least half (if not more) of all the assets plus maintenance once you have the main custody your children will want and need.

Sounds like he's checked out of family life and now driven the rest of you away. It's a sad state of affairs when his own children are now not liking him that much too.
Yeah, time to go. Life will be easier if he's not there - if not just for the lack of resentment every time you grab your keys and take the children somewhere. At least you'll feel more peaceful.

Go easy OP and wish you all well for the future. And btw, next time you're feeling really sick and had little sleep, it's ok to say no to the children too before you get behind the wheel, not worth the risk.

So is he just... sitting there? Doing nothing? Whilst you run around?

To be fair it doesn't sound massively different to my own dad who actually I adore and love to bits but is just the laziest man alive. We never ever did activities or clubs until secondary school (mum disabled and housebound) when we had bus passes and could get ourselves to and from things ourselves. If I went to a friend's late I either had to stay there or get a night bus home.

We didn't know different and I come from a community where most of my friends didn't have dads at all so I was happy to have a dad in the first place. But now I do think I wish he'd have made a bit more effort!

You’ve absolutely nothing to lose by ending your marriage. It’ll also set a good example to your children.

A man like that is not going to get off his arse and go to court to fight for 50/50 with children that he knows won’t want to be with him 50% of the time.
Hes far more likely to be the type who will make zero effort and then whinge to all who’ll listen that you won’t let him have the kids, you’ve poisoned him against them etc.

Just be careful that when you make plans to leave and the realities hit him that he downed Hoover you back in with a few weeks of being mr helpful.

What is his contribution to household stuff like shopping, cooking, cleaning and washing? Do you work part time?
If he’s pulling his weight there and also contributing more financially, maybe he feels the kids are “your job”. Also, I think if people didn’t do activities and get driven round when they were kids, they consider it optional/unnecessary.

I'm not defending him. Just interested. His refusal to even discuss it in an adult way is unacceptable.
if you’ve decided to separate, I presume the romantic side of your relationship is gone?

I expect it’ll be a shock to him but he’s had fair warning and brought it on himself.

Please tell me you don’t cook for him, do his laundry, buy presents for his family and so on?

Some people just think childcare is a woman's thing (look how many people think nursery staff shouldn't be male), and young boys are still, in some cases, brought up to think it's weird that a man should want to care for young children, so girls are still being "trained" to be maternal more than boys. Plus a lot of today's dads will have grown up either with a single mum, or a mum who worked fewer hours than dad, so have never seen a man as the main childcare provider.
If one partner works more than the other, as used to be the norm, you could say it's perfectly fair the other does most at home. So (usually) mum did more than dad. Obviously it's NOT fair now, when many couples both work FT, to go by the traditional pattern, so he needs calling out on this.

The thing thats so hard to understand for me is he shows a lot of interest in the kids, such as their schooling , he spoils them rotten birthdays and xmas and he runs the house in a strict manner. If he didn't care about them at all then why does he do this? Why doesnt he completely step back? Or is it a completely different thing and he just likes the feeling of power? He will very often say to them " I am the adult, you are the child, you have no say in anything and must do as your told". He says this if they answer back to him etc . But the trouble is they are answering back to him more and more because they are losing respect for him . They even tell other family members he does nothing with him, even his own parents. The house to me has an uncomfortable atmosphere and I feel like at any moment there can be an argument. Its really no way to live.
I cant leave because my parents put a large amount of money into our home so I am stuck. I just want him to go

Ditch him OP. He sounds horrendous. The fact that the kids have no respect for him speaks volumes: you’ll be doing all three of you a favour.

He refuses because he can... and you let him.

Courts will not force teenagers to see him no matter how loudly he stamps his feet.

Divorce now while you are entitled to more of the marital pot.

It is shocking how much easier life is without a lazy and selfish man. I didn't realise that I spent nearly an hour a day tidying up after mine. That's 7 hours a week, nearly a full working day, that I got back. Now multiply that a month 😱

Edit
Oh dear . Classic abusive manipulation and coercive control. Get out OP. Now. He punishes with one hand and gets obedience with the other. He's really fucking with their minds and emotions isn't he.
he spoils them rotten birthdays and xmas and he runs the house in a strict manner.

You have nailed it there - its control. They are extensions of him, he doesnt love them as their own person.
My dad is the same. Extravagant presents because it looks good. Default strict parenting rather than parenting the children he actually has, because HE'S IN CHARGE. Its all about him. Those things dont require effort. Shout. Throw money at it.

And you can leave - if you wait until your kids 18 you will lose out more money for them, you, all of your futures. Guessing you disnt ring fence the deposit? At least it would be easy to prove you are main carer. Courts wont force kids that age to do 50/50.

Did your parents protect their contribution to the deposit? He's not going to leave the property, why would he? It's a marital asset.
If you're choosing to stay married to the man, best not analysing him, it's a waste of time. People behave how they behave because they want to, it serves them.

It's great that you have a bit of support from family OP. I wonder has he even considered the possibility of losing you or does he assume that no woman would give up a prince like him. Wishing you luck 🤞 🙏

What a terrible example he is setting to your children for their future relationships and thr atmosphere cant be great either so they will be picking up on that.

Choose someone who chooses you and the kids.
If not put the kids and yourself first on your own.

He’s quite happy as he is so why should he go?.

Another reason for not leaving this man is because your parents put a large sum of money into your house!. Listen to yourself here and how ridiculous that sounds. You’re making a choice here and are putting up obstacles that can be overcome into staying.

Staying with him because of the kids, money etc are no reason or basis to stay with such a selfish individual.

you’re staying and have stayed for your own reasons. He sees you all as bit part players with he being at the centre of his universe. The extravagance he does for the kids at Christmas or birthdays is purely performative so he can say to himself he’s a great dad when he is completely not.

I cant leave because my parents put a large amount of money into our home so I am stuck.

I missed that. Was it not ring fenced at the time? Are you joint tenants?
Although, quite frankly, money sometimes isn't worth the emotional and mental scarring that happens if you stay (too long).

You will have much better, deeper, and longer lasting relationships with your children. You're being a good parent. It sounds like your children have fabulously full lovely lives. Despite their Dad.

It's really sad. In our house of teens, their Dad's been more involved as they've got older as his work hours changed and he's trained to be a coach in the sport they spend a lot of time at. He's really involved in that part of their lives and it's lovely. I still do my share of the lifts for other hobbies and social lives and go to watch that sport but it's great that they've got their own thing. Your husband's missing out on so much.

If you do choose to separate, I think the children sound old enough that they will either opt out of those visits in order to do their hobbies and see friends or they'll sort out alternative ways of getting to stuff from his.

Could you have a trial separation to really drive things home for him? You might love it so much that you do it long term. It might shake him up so much he changes his ways. I doubt it but there we are.

You could have so much more peace and joy and freedom in your life without him. It sounds like not much would change other than removing an essence of resentment from your home.

Do you have a feeling for what his dad was like as a parent OP? I'm not trying to make excuses for your DH at all, but it might give you some clues about where his attitude to fatherhood stems from?

My DH is more hands on than yours, but less than I would like. I hadn't really appreciated (until we had DC) that his parents had been totally 'Dad is the breadwinner, Mum looks after the kids'. My DH is doing way more hands-on parenting than his dad ever did, so used to get confused when I tried to get him to do more. Whereas my Dad was a teacher so did all the holiday childcare etc when I was growing up.

Divorce him. Your children will vote with their feet. You can't force teenagers to stay with someone - and they won't want to be with someone who has zero interest in their lives, interests, or happiness.

The money your parents gave will have to be addressed at some point - now or in the future. Can you really see yourself growing old with this man? Can you see how retirement will work? Or if you, god forbid, got sick and needed support? What about grandchildren - it will just be more of the same.

Get your documents together about your parents' contribution to the house and see a solicitor.

I'd be telling him he can start paying for the taxis the kids need to get to places if you're unable to do it. You say he's generous with money so he shouldn't mind that. Though obviously you'd be better off rid of the selfish twat

@Sofrustrated982 Doesn't sound great. How many hours does he work? What about you?