DH is struggling with my sex drive being dead.

[OhGodThisIsMortifying]

This is absolutely mortifying, but I need help.

Second DD was born 11 months ago. Life is full on. I am the only earner. We have no family support. Elder DD goes to preschool 2 days a week, but that's all the childcare we have, ever. She now sleeps through 5 nights out of 7, littlest DD does not, I do all night wakes for all kids. I do bedtime for eldest DD, DH does youngest. Theoretically DH is a SAHP but realistically right now, he's not. He does have younger DD for the two days elder DD is at preschool, so I can work, and he has both DDs for maybe 4 hours two or three days a week, but the rest of the time, we tend to be all together.

My sex drive did not return after youngest DD was born. She's an emergency section baby but I seemed to heal okay. I don't know why it's not come back this time. We've probably had sex four or five times since she was born, which is not great. We have tried, in small windows of time that we get, but it HURTS. Like a horrible, stinging awful pain...

I've talked to the doctors who recommended a smear and internal check, but it's been rescheduled on the morning of twice, and now they're saying the next appointment is in May.

DH has been great, but now he's starting to be a bit frustrated, I think. He says he doesn't understand why, if I want it to be back, I don't do things to him, and that he would if he hurt himself. Which is probably true, but honestly, the most attractive man in the world could dance past me right now stark naked and I'd not care. It's like it's just turned off 🥴 He now thinks I should try lifting weights to boost testosterone, or let him "try things" to see what gets a response with the masses of free time I have.

How do I fix this? I'm so embarrassed. I do feel for him, massively.

You are knackered and your DH is not pulling his weight - is he ill and therefore cannot due to majority of the parenting? Why are you doing all the nights when you work and he isn't?

Lots of possibilities here, but if he spent the same amount of energy helping, the problem might clear up itself

So what’s your DH doing when you’re at work and doing the majority of the parenting?

I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with such a limp lettuce. He needs a job.

So you are working -full time? and doing the night wakings, and your family are also around you while you work…

And he wants you to add wanking him off and being mauled by him to your list of jobs?

Ask him why he thinks that sounds like a good idea?

Is he doing all the laundry, shopping and cooking?

Why are you doing all the wake-ups if DH isn’t working?

Your DH is doing very little to make himself attractive is he?? If he’s not working he needs to be doing much, much more to make your life easier. Maybe then you’d have some time and energy to give a shit about his sex life. Don’t you dare start lifting weights or any other kinds of nonsense. You grew a whole person less than 12 months ago. You had major abdominal surgery. He’s an idiot.

I wouldn't/couldn't have sex with such a waste of space either tbh

You tell him (adjust for politeness levels) that if he stops treating you like a slave maybe it would return but right now you are earning all the money and doing all the night wakings and he can pull his fucking weight for a change.

gp won’t help much with pain on sex. I found a specialist women’s physio was more useful.

“Smartiepants79 · Today 13:55
Your DH is doing very little to make himself attractive is he?? If he’s not working he needs to be doing much, much more to make your life easier. Maybe then you’d have some time and energy to give a shit about his sex life. Don’t you dare start lifting weights or any other kinds of nonsense. You grew a whole person less than 12 months ago. You had major abdominal surgery. He’s an idiot.”

This with bells on. I would have no desire for my DH if he was behaving the way yours is. He sounds rather lazy and useless - letting you work fulltime and do all the night wakings and most of the heavy-lifting of parenting. Letting you run yourself ragged while he floats aimlessly around. He’s just another thing on your to do list. Of course your libido has taken a nosedive. He needs to pull his weight and earn back your respect.

When the dc were little dh used to say 'sleep is the best aphrodisiac'. He was not wrong.

Tell him your energy level is zero by bedtime... Maybe that's his fucking fault???

My exact thoughts (but with more swearing)

Sounds like he has plenty of time to go fuck himself.

Your husband is useless lazy bastard. I wouldn't have sex with him either.

Yep this. Nothing attractive about carrying a deadweight partner through life.

What they all said

But, also, more medically: vaginal atrophy? Get an oestrogen cream supplied

Why isn’t he working? Tell the lazy bastard to pull his weight around the house, help with the night feeds and you might be more attracted to him.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who is essentially letting me carry all the load!

Eh? It’s hardly surprising is it?!? Why doesn’t he do the night wakings and why would you need any help at all if he doesn’t work?! This is all very strange op. Unless you’ve missed a massive why out of your op, like he’s massively disabled, of course you have no desire to have sex with someone who’s lack of input renders you exhausted.

Sorry but unless he’s disabled why isn’t he working ? Your kids are In education etc he ain’t a stay at home parent. He can work and earn he’s choosing not too. For that reason alone I wouldn’t be sleeping with him. If he wants action he’s got 2 hands .

Agree your DH sounds a bit useless.

However to have zero sex drive is not a sign of a healthy woman. You may still be recovering from pregnancy and birth, it takes a long time for some women especially if you’re not being well supported to get enough sleep etc. Are you on antidepressants or other meds that could be affecting your libido? Any other physical issues with your vulva? I would go back to your doctor again to be honest.

Definitely see a pelvic floor physio if sex is physically painful, but that is for you - because it’s part of your overall health and for your future wellness - not because he deserves regular sex ASAP.

You could fix this by divorcing your lazy hobosexual husband and freeing up your time and money for yourself. I guarentee all your mojo will return.

I can’t comment on the medical/pain/doctor side of it so I’ll comment on the rest of it.

I am the only earner….I do all night wakes for all kids. I do bedtime for eldest DD, DH does youngest. Theoretically DH is a SAHP but realistically right now, he's not. He does have younger DD for the two days elder DD is at preschool, so I can work, and he has both DDs for maybe 4 hours two or three days a week, but the rest of the time, we tend to be all together.

You have no respect for your husband. You probably see him as an anchor round your neck. Why? Because he is a deadweight, and he is doing nothing to make you respect him. He is doing less than the bare minimum, and yet eats food and uses electricity. This man is costing you money and contributing nothing.

He sounds like someone’s 15 year old, reluctantly looking after his younger siblings for a bit because his mum asks him to. Are you attracted to lazy 15 year old children? I suspect not.

How much will he have to pay you if you split? Would that go towards childcare?

😂😂😂

You need to be careful that he doesn't set himself up as Lead Parent in the event of a divorce. Keep note of the school stuff and doctors appointments and clothes/shoeshopping and the care you do arrange.
I read your OP and thought, Divorce him quickly, while you're on mat leave. Lazy pig and sex pest