DH is struggling with my sex drive being dead.

[OhGodThisIsMortifying]

This is absolutely mortifying, but I need help.

Second DD was born 11 months ago. Life is full on. I am the only earner. We have no family support. Elder DD goes to preschool 2 days a week, but that's all the childcare we have, ever. She now sleeps through 5 nights out of 7, littlest DD does not, I do all night wakes for all kids. I do bedtime for eldest DD, DH does youngest. Theoretically DH is a SAHP but realistically right now, he's not. He does have younger DD for the two days elder DD is at preschool, so I can work, and he has both DDs for maybe 4 hours two or three days a week, but the rest of the time, we tend to be all together.

My sex drive did not return after youngest DD was born. She's an emergency section baby but I seemed to heal okay. I don't know why it's not come back this time. We've probably had sex four or five times since she was born, which is not great. We have tried, in small windows of time that we get, but it HURTS. Like a horrible, stinging awful pain...

I've talked to the doctors who recommended a smear and internal check, but it's been rescheduled on the morning of twice, and now they're saying the next appointment is in May.

DH has been great, but now he's starting to be a bit frustrated, I think. He says he doesn't understand why, if I want it to be back, I don't do things to him, and that he would if he hurt himself. Which is probably true, but honestly, the most attractive man in the world could dance past me right now stark naked and I'd not care. It's like it's just turned off 🥴 He now thinks I should try lifting weights to boost testosterone, or let him "try things" to see what gets a response with the masses of free time I have.

How do I fix this? I'm so embarrassed. I do feel for him, massively.

Do you even need a sap sahp? Get the youngest in nursery for the two days, and look at the ‘four hours two or three days a week’ and see if you can condense that into maybe another nursery day?

But get legal advice re your dh establishing himself as lead parent like @Shouldbedoing says, that’s very important.

Why doesn’t he work, did he previously? Why and when did he give it up?

Yes, exactly.

And I like this comment because it also shows a core principle:

If your H is not as tired as you, he's not carrying enough of the load.

duplicate

I have been the sole earner for 16 years, since DS was born. It did not make financial sense for DH to continue working (complex situation including that 1000s would have to be spent annually for him to be employable in his profession, London childcare costs, and a disabled child).

In all those years he has done all the shopping, cooking, accounting, DIY, and then, in recent years, completely renovated a derelict house for us to live in. In the beginning he did loads of childcare and overseeing of carers and tutors. He is still the parent who is available if needed at short notice. I am long past menopause, work more than full time and have some physical challenges of my own, which need to be worked around, but we still have an extremely active sex life. I think your husband needs to step up, and you may find your libido returning for 2 reasons: less tiredness, and respect for his role in the family.

You tell your dh to get off his backside and start stepping up rather than leaving everything to you, he picks up more childcare and house work, or he goes and gets a job that would allow you to employ cleaners etc to help, tell him you are shattered with the expectation that you are the sole earner and do the majority at home

In the meantime wait and see what the doctor has to say

Forget the sex life, that is the least of your problems.

Your DH should either be working outside the home or working in it. Why are you doing both and he is doing neither?

You what?
Drop the good for nothing entitled lazy bastard and I promise your sex drive will return, when you are ready.
Yuck.

After reading your post, your problem isn’t your sex drive

Your problem is nothing to do with lack of sex drive. It’s that your DH is a lazy useless freeloader who sees you as his nurse with a purse /wife appliance /nanny with a fanny who bankrolls him to sit on his arse all day long and should be providing blow jobs on demand.

Why would anyone want sex with such a useless fucker? There’s literally nothing attractive about a cocklodger

You've got so many factors stacked against you - time poor, tired from the kids and being the breadwinner, physically injured from the birth (or vaginismus?), a pushy husband who's very unsexily not pulling his weight. Is he planning to make the time for you to lift weights?!
I have a high sex drive, but hell would freeze over before I was up for it under these circumstances!

You are the only earner yet do all night duties with the kids?! Why can't he get up in night since he doesn't have a job.

DH has been great, but now he's starting to be a bit frustrated, I think. He says he doesn't understand why, if I want it to be back, I don't do things to him, and that he would if he hurt himself.

He's saying he'd still have sex even if it hurt, suggesting that you do the same? or what did he mean by the last part?

Why doesn't he work and why are you doing almost everything?

Your body and brain is reprioritising for you and says to you, AND indirectly to your partner you DO NOT have capacity for this until you have less to do. If you do not have less to do or have more time for your brain to calm, it WILL NOT create space for libido and no hormonal boost will help. Simple maths by our Mother Nature. If you cannot be assertive, nature WILL be on your behalf. Your welcome!

Please show this thread to your husband 😂 we can’t all be wrong!

Wow! Your husbands taking a beating on here.
Why is he not doing the nights? I worked a full time job after both kids were born and 2 to 3 nights a week working self employed in live music. Some weeks were 80 hours or more but I always did night feeds or nappy changes. I did and still do all bedtimes as I love reading stories to them.
We figured out early where my strengths and weaknesses are. I am rubbish at cleaning. Like I dont see it half the time but I will still do my best. I can cook though so I try to do all the cooking. Vacuuming and carpet shampooing, changing the beds and drying the laundry too, and i do all the driving.

I still feel like I do a 10th of what my wife does.

I know her job is a hundred times more stressful than mine. So the least I can do is try to be a calm space for her.

Does he take an interest in your days at work? I've always felt thats where my wife and I have it right. We are so opposite in pretty much everything. I love hearing about her day and whats gone on and what shes had to deal with. The stress of her job is unreal at times! So not a day goes by that i dont ask her how her day was and genuinely listen.

Is this actually real? Tell him to do one something.

My vag would be firmly shut down if my DH let me do all the work and look after the kids on top of working FT.
What the fuck does he do for you??

I do think it’s interesting how humans bodies work things out before their brains do sometimes.

Why don’t you do things for him? Lift weights? Jesus Christ is he asking you to start doing steroids as well?

I can’t cope with these sort of posts! You have another child. Not a partner

Thanks, all.

To answer some questions, he has a mild disability. It doesn't affect him much but is visible and he feels that puts recruiters off. It probably does. He spent 18 months getting through to final interviews but always being looked over. Now he says he'll look after the kids until I earn enough that I can employ him. That has worked previously but it's been years and it's yet more pressure on me.

I do the night wakes because I breastfeed and he didn't bother with bottles this time, despite me expressing, so I don't think DD would take one.

I'm already back at work, and have been since both kids were 8 weeks, so I do worry about the "lead parent" thing, although nursery contact me, I pay me, I do all doctors appointments, etc. I'm not sure how we'd decide who was lead? Baby DD is with DH alone for 4 -5 hours a day 2 days a week, so I can work.

He doesn't think I should do it even though it hurts. He thinks that if he was physically hurt; he'd still pleasure me. But it's "thinks", because he's never been injured, or given birth.

I'm not on any other meds. No other pain. I had googled and seen oestrogen cream recommended; but the doctors can't see me until May.

It does feel like yet another chore. Regulate the kids, pay the bills, feed everyone, put everyone to bed, have sex, prepare for the next day, do it all again...

He doesn't do nothing. He does most of the house work, and most of the cooking (although this is because he enjoys cooking, so doesn't want to split it). He does all the driving as I can't for medical reasons right now. Elder DD is trialling an extra nursery day today so he has little DD so I can work. I'll do pick up at 3pm, then the DDs have the dentist later, then home and one of us will make tea, then I'll do playing with them and wind down, then I'll do elder DDs meds/stories/etc, and then either feed little DD to sleep or DH will take her, depending on how tired she is.

I've been asking him to change things, to get a job, to get some recent experience, for months. He goes through phases of seeming miserable too. And now there's this as well...

I think you want to defend your dh a bit, understandably, but…

he has a mild disability. It doesn't affect him much but is visible and he feels that puts recruiters off. It probably does. He spent 18 months getting through to final interviews but always being looked over

It kind of made it worse to be honest.

Are you comfortable saying what his disability is? There are employers who are very good at employing people with disabilities, I’m thinking council, civil service etc. Of course, those they employ still have to be actually turning up to work and not sitting on their arse all day watching everyone else do the work……..

Now he says he'll look after the kids until I earn enough that I can employ him. That has worked previously but it's been years and it's yet more pressure on me

Oh come on! Who pays you for getting up to do a night feed? They are his own children!

I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with your pointless husband.

You're becoming burnt out and being ground down by being overburdened.

You've got the entire financial burden. You are doing all the night care for 2 kids, one an 11 month old. Your body hasn't had much of a chance to rest and recover from major abdominal surgery. I've seen a lot of sections and people really underestimate it as a major abdominal surgery. It sounds like you're doing much of the daycare for them too. Your husband is not functioning as a stay at home parent, he is a part time carer at best.

Pain is a sign something is wrong. The complete lack of sex drive also is.

I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him until you can be medically examined to see what's going on, sex is off the table. He has got to step up so you can actually get to an appointment rather than reschedule. This has got to be a high priority.

Do NOT employ your husband. It's time to insist he gets some kind of job. Right now, he's another burden and even besides the aspects of physical pain and exhaustion from doing it all, he's not pulling his weight in an equitable partnership and he even wants you to employ him. He's become a dependent and you're not attracted to someone so dependent.

So multiple factors are at play. You've got physical pain, physical and mental exhaustion, and loss of sexual attraction.

The pain you need checked out. The physical and mental exhaustion, your husband needs to step up and get a job or actually be the stay at home parent doing more of the work. He has to do night care as well as more daytime care. How likely is he to do that? The loss of sexual attraction, you might be just done.

You went back to work 2 months after a section. You didn't even get the 4th trimester to recover. Are you in the US?

Now he says he'll look after the kids until I earn enough that I can employ him.

What?!?!

What do you mean 'I dont know how we would decide who would be lead' he's not working!! So it's him!! He should be bloody doing all of that!