DH is struggling with my sex drive being dead.

[OhGodThisIsMortifying]

This is absolutely mortifying, but I need help.

Second DD was born 11 months ago. Life is full on. I am the only earner. We have no family support. Elder DD goes to preschool 2 days a week, but that's all the childcare we have, ever. She now sleeps through 5 nights out of 7, littlest DD does not, I do all night wakes for all kids. I do bedtime for eldest DD, DH does youngest. Theoretically DH is a SAHP but realistically right now, he's not. He does have younger DD for the two days elder DD is at preschool, so I can work, and he has both DDs for maybe 4 hours two or three days a week, but the rest of the time, we tend to be all together.

My sex drive did not return after youngest DD was born. She's an emergency section baby but I seemed to heal okay. I don't know why it's not come back this time. We've probably had sex four or five times since she was born, which is not great. We have tried, in small windows of time that we get, but it HURTS. Like a horrible, stinging awful pain...

I've talked to the doctors who recommended a smear and internal check, but it's been rescheduled on the morning of twice, and now they're saying the next appointment is in May.

DH has been great, but now he's starting to be a bit frustrated, I think. He says he doesn't understand why, if I want it to be back, I don't do things to him, and that he would if he hurt himself. Which is probably true, but honestly, the most attractive man in the world could dance past me right now stark naked and I'd not care. It's like it's just turned off 🥴 He now thinks I should try lifting weights to boost testosterone, or let him "try things" to see what gets a response with the masses of free time I have.

How do I fix this? I'm so embarrassed. I do feel for him, massively.

There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is your husband and what he has done to your life. (Plus you are stressed and exhausted, but that’s your situation being wrong, not you being wrong.)

Basic fact here: a man who loves a woman does not sit by seeing her exhausted, stressed and miserable, occasionally whinging about how he wants to sexually pleasure her.

No, he helps her. He protects her. He is her friend and her ally. He values her happiness & fulfilment.

What you are describing however is the opposite of this - a spoilt man-child who is willing to see a woman devastate her life for his convenience.

Personally I am of the view that it is very unusual for women to maintain sexual feelings towards men who take on the traditionally female role of the stay at home parent (though of course a minority do manage this). I know that is unpalatable; but I think it is true, however ‘old-fashioned’ and regrettable we may find it. I also think that if a woman forces herself to have any sexual contact with a man to whom she is not attractive, the results can be devastating. By over-riding what your body is screaming at you, you could do lasting damage to your own sexual response and capacity to have a happy sex life in future.

In your case your husband seems to have moved much further even than being a stay at home parent, though, into a terrifyingly child-like, dependant role - the idea of you employing him 😱!

You’re not just coping with a man who has an adopted a traditional female role, but one who has adopted a child’s role. No wonder your sexual feelings have died- you are not attracted to children!

I think you need to sit down with him & say that this is make or break - that your relationship just will not last any more if he does not work.

If he does get work, maybe you can rescue things - though as mentioned above please do not force yourself to have any sexual activity at all unless you actually want to. Wait to see if the feelings return.

If he is unwilling to work, then I have to say I think you need to do some hard thinking about your situation, because A) I don’t think your relationship will last, and B) at the moment he is set up to be the parent who gets residency, on the basis that he is full time carer for your children. (I appreciate that’s not quite how it works - but it’s how he can spin it.) So in that case I think you need legal advice.

But whatever you do, respect your body, which is screaming at you that the idea of sexual activity with this man child is repulsive.

To be honest my sex drive took two years to return after each of my pregnancies but if my DH had moaned about it for those two years and expected me to pleasure him amongst all my other responsibilities in life, I would have got the ick and probably never found it again.

As it was, he was patient and understood, because he was equally exhausted by having young kids. I was always clear that I wanted to get back to being intimate (and we have) but it will come in time with feeling supported and feeling like you have autonomy over your body. Which with breastfeeding and little ones hanging off you is impossible.

I genuinely think our bodies reduce sex drive while we are looking after babies so that we don’t get pregnant again and take on more than we can cope with. It’s a defence mechanism. Your body is saying, you are too stressed for another baby. Listen to your it. Your hormones will adjust when your mind isn’t stressed and overwhelmed.

"Now he says he'll look after the kids until I earn enough that I can employ him."

WHAT?????

I didn't think it was possible to be surprised anymore at the exploitative cocklodgery of men, or what women will put up with. But here I am - GOBSMACKED.

OP, they are HIS children. You don't pay the other parent for looking after their own kids. For so many reasons. But a big one is that it means you are his boss, but you can't fire him for doing a bad job.

And you did this BEFORE???? What TH am I reading????!

He should get a proper job.

There are women with disabilities out there who work AND look after their children as single parents.

DH has been great

No, he's not. Which is part of the issue. Nowhere in what you've described is the bandwith or the conditions for you to want to have sex with him.

Is one of the things he wants to try sticking a broom up your arse so you can sweep the floor while you're doing everything else?

It's not you. He's just not offering anything very sexy, that's all.

Ok. I can see a perspective on this that doesn’t make him a total toe rag.

He can be all he is and do what he does and it can be kind of alright, for a season…. breastfeeding, DC needing care in the day while you work. I assume he means that you’d pay him for working in your business, not for looking after his own DC.

However, it very much relies on him not expecting sex. That’s absolutely a boundary too far. I mean, yes, sort your health out independently when you can. Is an onl8ne appointment out of the question? They don’t need a lot to prescribe you ovestin or similar. They don’t need to see you in person or anything. You could start that immediately while waiting for an in person appointment if you are concerned that something else may be wrong.

But sex… sex doesn’t happen when one person has significant health needs and is the sole provider for the family and the other is just pottering around.

Did you start work sooner than you wanted after the DC were born? Would you have wanted more time off, had he been earning better?

"He says he doesn't understand why, if I want it to be back, I don't do things to him, and that he would if he hurt himself"

This sounds so incredibly manipulative.

Rather than listen to what you're saying and respect your boundaries, he's giving it the old "but I'd do it if I were you" guilt trip to try and get his end away.

This behaviour is never okay OP. And that's without exploring the many other ick inducing things covered by other posters already.

Your husband is not your husband, he's a fucking more than useless wanker. My vagina would be cemented too ... don't you dare feel bad for your lost libido! As well as your libido, you need to lose this useless version of a 'man' Some people are terrified of raising children alone, but you're pretty much doing it and then feeling bad for being burnt out. Why does your cocklodger not work?

It is absolutely absurd and dismal isn’t it? I thought it was a wind up initially but sadly I don’t think it is.

I have to hand it to men, as much as some women joke they’re the stupider species - very few men if any would allow a situation like this to go on. They are very shrewd where it matters! OPs husband does all the cooking because he likes it, but if he didn’t - no doubt he would have passed the buck on that too.

When men have a SAH partner they expect said partner to be doing the vast majority of childcare AND cleaning and other domestic duties.

Parents and society need to instill into young women that a rubbish partner isn’t better than being single so they will hopefully choose better to whether that choice is being alone or being with a decent man.

@OhGodThisIsMortifying what did you mean by employ him? Are you a business owner on top of your other work? Surely you don’t mean pay him to look after his children?

Anything else he wants you to do? Wipe his arse and spoon feed him??

Of course your body doesn’t want to have sex. You are doing everything and are exhausted. Sex right now is just another chore.

How unattractive that he is like, service me because I want it despite that you are in pain.

My husband and I went about a year without sex due to pain (turned out to be endometriosis) and the surgery after. He didn’t complain once. After my child was born we didn’t even try having sex for 3 months and also only had it a few times that first year. He also never complained because things change and take time to get used to things.

I really hate your husband. He sounds so selfish.

Let him struggle. He doesn’t seem to give a toss about what you have to struggle with. So it’s not your problem.

I think your H should get fucked. And not by you.

Sounds to me like you are exhausted. Tell your partner to pull his weight

If I couldn’t have penetrative sex I probably would still do other things to pleasure my DP. But I certainly bloody wouldn’t if I lived with yours. He sounds like an awful lazy twat and I would have lost all attraction to him at this point. He ‘didn’t bother’ with bottles for your child even though you were expressing milk for her? He’s given up looking for a job ‘until you earn enough to employ him’? Jeez.

I’ve got a high sex drive but if I lived with this man, my fanny would snap shut like a Venus fly-trap the moment he approached.

He sounds like a millstone.

There are lots of jobs people can do if they actually want to work. Deciding you can only work if your wife employs you is a cop out! What skills does he have? Can he do online work? There are lots of AI companies looking for people with skills in writing, design, coding etc… There are loads if freelance websites where people can get short admin or other types of jobs from people. Can he upskill and do a course? During the recession my partner was freelance and getting sporadic work so he did various computer courses and then eventually another degree. If you’re not working as an adult you should be working towards getting work or doing all the child care at home!

There have been studies that show a woman's libido is influenced strongly by how much their partner helps out at home. Sleep deprivation also causes a loss of libido. Hormones after giving birth can take up to 3 years to stabilise and there are obviously other things like perimenopause that can be going on. If you want to sort out your libido, do it for you, not to satisfy him!

"Cocklodgery"! What a great word!

I see a lot of talk about "hes taken on the typical female role"

I dont believe thats the issue at all. I know plenty of couples who have this dynamic. The difference is the stay at home dads or the work from home dads like me who do make it work. We respect our partners.

Its not a case of if I do this then you need to do that. Its teamwork plain and simple. If you were in a sporting team like tennis doubles and your partner let you dash all over the court while they stood still you'd never have the chance to win or even enjoy the game and would be rightfully resentful. You certainly wouldnt feel like celebrating in any way at all.

Marriage is exactly this. You both support each other and figure out where your strengths and weaknesses are and how best to compliment each other. You both move round the court naturally without even thinking because your a team.

There are days when one of you can't move too much and the other picks up that difference and thats ok.

Tell him his strategy of stading still all the time is pure cocklodgery 😁 and will never make you want to celebrate in any way.

I am so angry on your behalf.
The SO doesnt have a job. The first paragrah was telling me to get rid of this man. It doesn't sound like he gets up on the days you have to work.
You do everything and he complains how bad your sex life is?
No-one would feel like sex with everything you are dealing with.
I would suggest speration once you become strong enough.
He's a parasite that will never help you with your children, but expects sex.

You could try introducing your baby to bottles at night, or even formula milk in a sippy cup. At the very least your husband should be getting up if your elder child wakes at night, doing nappy changes and settling the baby if feeding is not needed. He should be doing all childcare and housework when you are working.

How old are you?

I had one like this after my child was born and I divorced him.

I don’t feel a single drop of sympathy for any man who isn’t doing night wakings when there are a lot and cross about not getting sex. If mum is doing it all and tired because of that then these men don’t deserve any sex, including ‘assistance’ from you. And he’s the sahp… wow.

This exactly right.
It shouldn't even be a request to ask him to do night feeds or anything. I do not understand dads who don't get up in the night.
I loved those moments! When the whole world is quiet and it was just me and my daughter and later, me and my son.
Being the person who soothes them and gets them back to sleep. Learning all those little things that calms them. My wife used to complain that my enjoyment would rub off on them and they'd stay awake longer which was true.
Even as they grew older I got to read stories to them every night. I cant say how many times I slept on the floor holding a hand after a nightmare.
Dad's who dont realise how special that is are not just making their partners lives harder. They are missing out on a huge part of being a parent.

Our eldest told me not long ago how she remembers me falling asleep on her floor because she was scared. Shes 16 now and when life gets tough she still likes to sit and talk before bed or even occasionally have the same bedtime songs.

So how can a dad prioritise his own sleep not only over making those memories but allowing their partner to do everything. Especially when he doesnt work!

I do have a slight advantage. I spent years working in live music and going weeks on very little sleep. Can't do it anymore but back then I was happy with an hour a night for at least 4 or 5 days straight. Then I'd get to burn out point and need to sleep during the day or at least get a few solid hours sleep in somewhere. It did also mean I could sleep at the drop of a hat anywhere and in any environment.