Advice on sad family situation

[Feelingsadtodayagain]

I’ve posted on this before under a different name, but difficult situation is ongoing and I don’t know what to do, I would really appreciate some advice.

Last year my FIL died. My DH wasn’t close to him, PIL divorced a long time ago because FIL was an abuser, DH also suffered abuse and neglect. DH is very close to his mum and I have a great relationship with her too.

In the final months of FIL life my DH did everything he could to provide support, visiting him at least once a week (he was in a care home), attending medical meetings, organising house clearance and sale, doing legal work to get power of attorney. DH did this alongside extremely an pressured work situation, us having young children, and me having serious health issues that also landed me in hospital several times.

I often did not visit FIL with DH, as he made me deeply uncomfortable and I know a lot about the abuse that my MIL went through in his hands. DH understood that, we talked about it and he respected my boundaries whilst knowing that I would do whatever he needed me to behind the scenes. I focused on keeping everything going at home so he could help his dad.

the problem continues to be that my SIL believes she did more to help FIL than we did and her perspective is that this is grossly unfair. She did visit him more often than DH because they had a closer relationship, but my DH absolutely did as much as he could. Since FIL died we’ve had abusive messages and voice notes from her (I have now had to block her), and she will ring up other family members to rant about how we are awful people, saying she doesn’t care if she never sees us again or never sees her nieces and nephew again. Shes said awful things about the children that are incredibly hurtful (for example that they are ugly, thick and spoilt) - they’re just little kids, they’ve done nothing wrong. Several times I’ve felt I had to hide when I’ve spotted her in the street because I am scared of her hurling abuse at me in public.

She’s been furious that the will is a 50/50 split and feels she should have got more than 50% because she visited him more often.

Lots of the angry ranting seems to relate to long held resentments about my DH being treated differently as a child (he is much younger than her), things that are not his fault and that he wasn’t even aware of at the time as he was a child.

Part of her anger seems to also focus on the fact that we tried our best to carry on living life as normal as we could during his illness for the sake of the children mainly. She thinks that was wrong and that everything should have stopped. For example, when he was very poorly we cancelled our family holiday to be on hand whenever needed, but still took the kids for a couple of local afternoons out - we thought it was important that their lives continue as normal for as long as possible and they were sad that our holiday was cancelled and that their grandad was poorly. She doesn’t have children so wasn’t in the same situation that we were in.

I absolutely get that she is grieving and it’s complicated and so hard (I lost my own dad suddenly a couple of years ago too). But it just feels like all her anger is being unfairly directed at us. I am fed up with being a punch bag and I feel so sad and hurt about all of it. My DH is devastated and I don’t know how to help him. The children are asking why they haven’t seen her and I don’t know what to say to them. I also don’t know if I will ever be able to have a relationship with her again after some of the terrible, hurtful things she has said about us and our young children. I don’t think I could ever trust her again.

Thanks for reading this, and I really appreciate any advice on how to move forward from here.

How did you all get on beforehand? And how is their mum coping with the fall out?

My first thought was that she will have been more impacted by the abuse than her brother, as she was older. She may well have learned her survival strategies from watching dad- the shoutiest, angriest person gets what they want. It’s important that’s me!

I suspect this is who she is, and the only reason you didn’t see it before was the chips weren’t down. Now she’s under stress, she’s showing her underlying values.

Keep on supporting him- I think you’ll need to block her, at least for a while.

Honestly, beforehand I always felt judged by her and I was scared of her, but I tried very hard to build a good relationship with her. She does not speak to their mum at all. I always felt that her behaviour towards my DH was controlling. Her behaviour towards the children was always inconsistent. One
of them would get a birthday present then the other one wouldn’t. One year she’d make
a fuss of them at Christmas, then next year not even want to see them.

So there you have it. She’s followed her Dad. She doesn’t know how to relate, only how to control. It’s sad. She has to learn this herself, it’s not something that reasoning with her, shaming her, loving her will change.

So you and your DH need to practice self protection.

I agree, it’s sad all round. Thank you for replying to me, it’s been really hard and tonight I just needed to get it out!

She learned from her dad how to be abusive. She's continuing the cycle and it sounds like she might have mental health issues too. She wants more money and thinks if she's nasty enough, your husband will give in.

Go no contact. She is dead to you. She doesn't see you, she doesn't see your kids. If she starts yelling at you in public, record her and tell her you have nothing to say to her and tell her to stop harassing you. Call the police if you are afraid she's going to assault you.

I hope you find a way to minimise her impact on you all. One way might be to annoy her enough she decides to cut you off.

I’m well past my usual bedtime, so will pipe down now! I suspect this is going to take a while to work through. You’ll have to be patient I’m afraid, especially until the estate is wound up. Keep track of what she’s doing, keep records of unreasonable behaviour. Eventually you may need to involve police. 😒

It sounds like your SIL is taking up her father's abusive mantle.

It would be OK to cut her out of your lives. It might be the best thing to protect your children from the abuse cycle being passed on from his family.

Honestly you did too much for the abusive dad if anything.

I'd ask your dh to consider counselling over his traumatic childhood and how to deal with his sister (or not deal with her). There's a lot going on emotionally, what with grief and how complex it must be to love a person that abused him and for it to continue with his sister, and the trauma and FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt).

Go NC

One of the best bits of advice I ever heard was ‘you can’t reason with unreasonable people’. You can’t make her different. Only support your own family, especially your DH, and refuse to engage.
It’s hurtful when someone tries to turn others against you but if they’re reasonable people they will have her sussed and if they’re not then don’t engage with them either.

perhaps tell the children she is upset about losing her father?
and try and rise above it op

She is what she is @Feelingsadtodayagain , which is a very unpleasant person. You kind of knew that before but maybe you and you DH have been making excuses for her unkindness? She doesn’t sound like the type of person you want around your children either. I’d temporarily give her a yellow card as she’s grieving and your DH is coping with a complicated grief (it’s a difficult thing when the person who’s died wasn’t nice). Once everyone is feeling less raw, by fuck I’d cut her out completely if she didn’t give a grovelling‘I don’t know what I was thinking’ apology.

You are not obliged to keep horrible people in your life just because you are related to them. Take care of your own family and cut her out of it.

This is part of the abuse cycle and I recognise it.
She doesnt talk to you mil already.
I would be urging you dh to go lc or nc at least temporarily.
The kids need to stay far away from her and I'd not go near here either.

I think you need to just step away and disengage.

If you see her or if she comes to rant you need a few choice phrases that are neutral

"I can see you are struggling, it must be hard carrying so much displaced anger '
"This has clearly been a difficult tine for you"

If she's behaving badly towards you
"You cant speak to people like this"
"This isnt appropriate behave for an adult"

She's grieving and everyone processes grief differently. Some people lash out. Which is what she's doing.
There's a separate deeper issue here though as PP have suggested. She has learned behaviours from her Dad and is now repeating this with your DH. He needs to find a way to shut this off to protect himself. He does not owe her an explanation of the will. He didn't write it. He doesn't owe her an explanation of her childhood. He didn't control it. He doesn't have to justify how he and you handle your family during the illness. She's not part of your marriage.
How he handles this is kind of up to him. He can go LC / NC or he can square up and tell her to cut it out. Obviously this is hard for him because she's family and so it's understandable in his grief he wants to be closer not push her away. But he has to protect himself. And I'd just say something bland to the children like Aunty is very busy so wont be coming to see us at the moment

Not everyone deserves a seat at your table, if your dh feels he did enough then that’s all that matters. The rest is her showing you both very clearly who she is and it comes down to the 50/50 split. Possessions and money can make people greedy and very cruel.

My advice, say nothing keep doing everything you’re doing, close the gap where she once was and live a good life. Starve this drama she’s created of oxygen. It really doesn’t matter what she or anyone else thinks about you. Acknowledge your hurt then let it and her go. It’s healthier for you and your family.

This is good advice.

Regarding the inheritance, 'it was Fil's money and his choice as how he disposed of it'. Rinse, repeat.

its about money and wills. Same old story. If your dh gave his share of the will to her she’d stop.

I think in situations like this where siblings have had very different experiences growing up with their parents a bereavement lays all the differences bare. It's weird to think of but these often very dysfunctional patriarchs and matriarchs act as the glue holding the extended family together and when that's gone it falls apart.

Chances are a difficult sibling relationship won't endure this so I personally wouldn't invest too much time and energy in trying to make things right with SIL especially as she's being abusive to you. Look after yourselves.

Or find a different topic to be abusive about.... This level of dysfunction isn't going to be sorted out quickly... If at all.

These sort of people often make it their life's work to be permanently angry/about to blow up.... It's part of their make up and often don't want to stop.

I agree with all the good advice you've been given OP. She sounds a thoroughly unpleasant woman and as abusive as her father. Look after yourself and your family, keep supporting your DH and go no contact with SIL. She's tried to rewrite history here and it sounds like it's all about the money she feels she is entitled to.
I wouldn't want someone like her in my children's lives either as it sounds like with her her bitter and vindictive disordered thinking she couldn't be trusted to treat them equally and fairly.

No contact would be best.

She has learned that abuse gets you want you want.

Except she isn’t getting more of the inheritance. I hope your dh does not give in.

She will not cut you off because she needs whipping boys. But it’s much better for you and yours if you do cut her off. Otherwise you’ll get ill.

She's a nasty vindictive bitch. Anyone who called my children ugly and thick would be out of my life on the end of my boot.
Don't tolerate this. Life is too short

Thank you all for your advice and responses, I appreciate it. I’ve been tying myself in knots over this worrying that it’s somehow my fault, and that I should have done more or found a way to stop this from happening.

DH is now having some therapy to work his his grief over his dad dying, and also the SIL situation. He’s always adored his big sister, and whilst he’d seen her turn on other people like this before, I don’t think he ever thought it would happen to him/us/our children.

i hope that she will get some therapy too, as she clearly needs that support.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and I am wondering why your H took on the tasks he did for his late abusive father towards the end of his life. Maybe it was out of FOG (fear obligation and guilt).

What does his mother think of her daughter now?.

Such controlling behaviour from your SIL (she's followed in her late father's footsteps) is abusive and you all need to stay well away from her. Not at all surprised she has kicked off over her late dad's will; this is what such types of disordered of thinking people readily do. Have no further contact with her and given what she has already said about your DC that is further reason for doing so.

If she is too difficult, abusive or otherwise batshit for you to deal with its the same deal for the kids too. She is also committing a criminal offence by sending you abusive messages. She sees you as the weak link here to get to her brother. I would keep all such evidence in case you need to go to the police re her conduct.

I once read a saying 'You never really know someone until you split a will with them'
I had something similar happen with a close family member. It was like they had been holding in a lifetime's amount of bitterness and resentment and it just came all spewing out. Totally ruined our relationship and tore the family apart.
Last time I spoke to them, they were so angry they actually had spittle at the corners of the mouth. I have been in a lot of dodgy situations I work in social care- but that really scared me .