Advice on sad family situation

[Feelingsadtodayagain]

I’ve posted on this before under a different name, but difficult situation is ongoing and I don’t know what to do, I would really appreciate some advice.

Last year my FIL died. My DH wasn’t close to him, PIL divorced a long time ago because FIL was an abuser, DH also suffered abuse and neglect. DH is very close to his mum and I have a great relationship with her too.

In the final months of FIL life my DH did everything he could to provide support, visiting him at least once a week (he was in a care home), attending medical meetings, organising house clearance and sale, doing legal work to get power of attorney. DH did this alongside extremely an pressured work situation, us having young children, and me having serious health issues that also landed me in hospital several times.

I often did not visit FIL with DH, as he made me deeply uncomfortable and I know a lot about the abuse that my MIL went through in his hands. DH understood that, we talked about it and he respected my boundaries whilst knowing that I would do whatever he needed me to behind the scenes. I focused on keeping everything going at home so he could help his dad.

the problem continues to be that my SIL believes she did more to help FIL than we did and her perspective is that this is grossly unfair. She did visit him more often than DH because they had a closer relationship, but my DH absolutely did as much as he could. Since FIL died we’ve had abusive messages and voice notes from her (I have now had to block her), and she will ring up other family members to rant about how we are awful people, saying she doesn’t care if she never sees us again or never sees her nieces and nephew again. Shes said awful things about the children that are incredibly hurtful (for example that they are ugly, thick and spoilt) - they’re just little kids, they’ve done nothing wrong. Several times I’ve felt I had to hide when I’ve spotted her in the street because I am scared of her hurling abuse at me in public.

She’s been furious that the will is a 50/50 split and feels she should have got more than 50% because she visited him more often.

Lots of the angry ranting seems to relate to long held resentments about my DH being treated differently as a child (he is much younger than her), things that are not his fault and that he wasn’t even aware of at the time as he was a child.

Part of her anger seems to also focus on the fact that we tried our best to carry on living life as normal as we could during his illness for the sake of the children mainly. She thinks that was wrong and that everything should have stopped. For example, when he was very poorly we cancelled our family holiday to be on hand whenever needed, but still took the kids for a couple of local afternoons out - we thought it was important that their lives continue as normal for as long as possible and they were sad that our holiday was cancelled and that their grandad was poorly. She doesn’t have children so wasn’t in the same situation that we were in.

I absolutely get that she is grieving and it’s complicated and so hard (I lost my own dad suddenly a couple of years ago too). But it just feels like all her anger is being unfairly directed at us. I am fed up with being a punch bag and I feel so sad and hurt about all of it. My DH is devastated and I don’t know how to help him. The children are asking why they haven’t seen her and I don’t know what to say to them. I also don’t know if I will ever be able to have a relationship with her again after some of the terrible, hurtful things she has said about us and our young children. I don’t think I could ever trust her again.

Thanks for reading this, and I really appreciate any advice on how to move forward from here.

Would you not just tell her to fuck off? You don't owe her access to your lives to abuse you and control you, it doesn't matter if she is spinning out in rage, it's not your problem to fix. Your husband couldn't stop his dad abusing him as a kid but nut job sister does not have to be allowed limitless access to continue that, you do not owe anyone that. Spend time with your MIL and tell people that SIL is, unfortunately, not able to control her temper and isn't in your lives till she can behave herself

Money is how you keep the score!

I don't know if I have missed something, but surely you just ignore the sister, OP? Don't get involved, don't make comments, just carry on with your lives as normal. That's it.

I don’t think you’ve missed anything at all, I think it’s just that I’ve been agonising and ruminating on whether there’s anything I could do that would fix this and whether there’s something I have done that has made this worse. Not that I’m trying to make it about me, the whole thing has just left me feeling vulnerable and insecure.

You acknowledge that SIL is right that she did more for their father and you specifically kept your distance while your DH 'did what he could'. She is now very hurt that their dad didn't leave her more in his will than her brother. She has obviously been stewing on this and is attacking you out of grief and anger.

It sounds like it has gone too far for any compromise like your DH offering part of his share for all her efforts looking after their dad. It's probably going to be permanent breakdown of the relationship, which is always a shame when it's over money.

My DH had a similar run in about his uncle's will, the uncle left everything to my DH and our children, this guy's mother was a niece to the uncle (she had died, but had never got on with the uncle anyway, a bit of a family feud) the guy was adamant that he should get a share due to laws of inheritance (only applicable if there is no will) and got really nasty and threatening about it when he found out he got nothing in the will, actually quite scarily so. I think he had already mentally spent 'his share'.

You’re right, she visited him more often because she had a better relationship
with him, and DH did as much as he was physically and emotionally able to do. And you’re right that I did stay away - he’s a violent, abusive man who I felt deeply uncomfortable being around and was frightened of. I don’t believe I should have felt obliged to do things for him and I saw my role as freeing up my husband so that he could do those things instead. We agreed that between us.

My DH doesn’t care about the money, and never did. It will most likely go into savings accounts for the children. I think you’re right that it’s gone too far for him to offer her his share of the money. He did say on many, many occasions that he recognised she was visiting him more often and that he was grateful she felt able to do that but that hasn’t been enough.

She sounds like a petty, nasty piece of work and she doesn't deserve to have you all in her life. Hopefully your dh will see sense and just cut her out of your lives forever. You should keep supporting him, it's out of your hands unfortunately. He needs to decide this for himself.

I agree it does sound like that but given her upbringing, she is also a victim in this situation. I am not saying that excuses her behaviour but it's worth remembering...

This is very sad all round. Your DH is doing the right thing getting therapy - ultimately he needs to disentangle himself from his sister, who unfortunately also sounds deeply damaged. Hopefully she will get help too but your DH is only in control of himself. He needs to stop seeking her approval and impose some boundaries. It will require a lot of work for him to untangle this emotional mess.

1. you and your DH have done NOTHING wrong. The FIL was lucky you did what you did. You were going through a lot and also needed to have some family time.
2. it seems to me this woman chose to return to an abuser at a vulnerable age. It’s not uncommon to develop a personality disorder as a result…
3. but her behaviours are so damaging now that she can no longer be tolerated or absorbed. Your DH is doing the right thing. His mum also needs to be protected.
4. the will split will be seen as a huge rejection by her. That’s her issue Sadly, it’s time for you and your DH to move on from this woman, which is hard. But it’s the only way forward

I wouldn't want my children anywhere near her, ever again. And I would not want to see her, ever again.

Calling young children (especially relatives 'ugly, thick and spoilt') is alarming.

This is not grief, it is just horrible nasty abuse that she has clearly learned from her father. She's using grief as an excuse.
I would block her everywhere and if she wishes to contend the Will, she can go to court.

There are absolutely no excuses for her behaviour.

I am sorry for the difficult time that you have had. You went above and beyond what a lot of people would have done for your FIL.

@Feelingsadtodayagain your SIL is behaving appallingly. You need to enforce your boundaries - its not acceptable, grief or otherwise, for her to be verbally abusive or to intimidate you. Grief isn't even an excuse here, as you said she's always been like this.

Families are complex - but you need to cut the cord.

This means your DH letting go of the sibling relationship that he wishes he had and accepting the one that he has got, which is toxic - and was before his dad died.

@Feelingsadtodayagain

I'm glad your DH is seeking counseling for this. He will have a lot to unravel.

At this point you and DH go NC with his sister. You block her on everything you can block her on. If she's spreading shit throughout the family you can't really stop her (unless it rises to the level of legal action). But you can explain (once) to those family members and tell them that since you've gone NC with her you do not want to hear anything she says.

You need to do the same with MiL, although you may want to have a longer conversation with her about why she shouldn't be telling you if Sister says anything about you/your family.

Hopefully this will blow over in time after sister has vented her spleen. If it does, still say NC. You don't want to give her additional ammo to hurt you.

I definitely don’t want to ever give her a reason to get angry and abusive with me again. I’ve already said to DH that if he chooses to reconcile with her in future - and I would absolutely support his choice to do that and it’s his call not mine - I would still want to keep a distance from her, and I wouldn’t want her knowing anything about my life that could be used against me in some way. Superficial stuff fine, but nothing of any consequence.

And I think that's wise. But I'd also tell DH (if I were you) that our children are never to be in her presence and that he is not to discuss them with her. He knows how she is and she's already said nasty things about them. If he finds those two conditions unreasonable, I'd be having a very stern word knock down drag out fight with him about that. That would be a hill I'd die on!

I probably wouldn't use the word 'support' in discussing the any possible reconciliation he might want because he might interpret it as meaning you would 'accommodate' or 'facilitate' it rather than just tolerate it. I think in future I'd say 'honour' or 'won't interfere with' his choice.

I think you should do your best to minimise contact. She's obviously carries a lot of anger, possibly because of unresolved childhood abuse. However, that doesn't mean it's acceptable for you, your DH or children to be her verbal punchbag. Furthermore, given he suffered abuse and neglect as a child, your DH was generous to give your FIL any help at all. As for the will, your FIL decided on a 50:50 share, it's immaterial what she thinks.

Sorry if I missed this but what is it your DH wants to do? Ideally you should both go NC. Reading through this it sounds very unlikely that she will change and she sounds vile and it’s just more abuse that you need to keep your children away from.

My aunt was very odd and at times nasty. No way nearly as bad as your SIL. After my grandfather died she became a lot worse. My dad continued to pop in to see her her once a week. But my mum had nothing to do with her for a decade, until randomly she got an apology from her and it all totally changed. If you both don’t go NC, you can do it yourself and protect yourself and your children.