Advice on sad family situation

[Feelingsadtodayagain]

I’ve posted on this before under a different name, but difficult situation is ongoing and I don’t know what to do, I would really appreciate some advice.

Last year my FIL died. My DH wasn’t close to him, PIL divorced a long time ago because FIL was an abuser, DH also suffered abuse and neglect. DH is very close to his mum and I have a great relationship with her too.

In the final months of FIL life my DH did everything he could to provide support, visiting him at least once a week (he was in a care home), attending medical meetings, organising house clearance and sale, doing legal work to get power of attorney. DH did this alongside extremely an pressured work situation, us having young children, and me having serious health issues that also landed me in hospital several times.

I often did not visit FIL with DH, as he made me deeply uncomfortable and I know a lot about the abuse that my MIL went through in his hands. DH understood that, we talked about it and he respected my boundaries whilst knowing that I would do whatever he needed me to behind the scenes. I focused on keeping everything going at home so he could help his dad.

the problem continues to be that my SIL believes she did more to help FIL than we did and her perspective is that this is grossly unfair. She did visit him more often than DH because they had a closer relationship, but my DH absolutely did as much as he could. Since FIL died we’ve had abusive messages and voice notes from her (I have now had to block her), and she will ring up other family members to rant about how we are awful people, saying she doesn’t care if she never sees us again or never sees her nieces and nephew again. Shes said awful things about the children that are incredibly hurtful (for example that they are ugly, thick and spoilt) - they’re just little kids, they’ve done nothing wrong. Several times I’ve felt I had to hide when I’ve spotted her in the street because I am scared of her hurling abuse at me in public.

She’s been furious that the will is a 50/50 split and feels she should have got more than 50% because she visited him more often.

Lots of the angry ranting seems to relate to long held resentments about my DH being treated differently as a child (he is much younger than her), things that are not his fault and that he wasn’t even aware of at the time as he was a child.

Part of her anger seems to also focus on the fact that we tried our best to carry on living life as normal as we could during his illness for the sake of the children mainly. She thinks that was wrong and that everything should have stopped. For example, when he was very poorly we cancelled our family holiday to be on hand whenever needed, but still took the kids for a couple of local afternoons out - we thought it was important that their lives continue as normal for as long as possible and they were sad that our holiday was cancelled and that their grandad was poorly. She doesn’t have children so wasn’t in the same situation that we were in.

I absolutely get that she is grieving and it’s complicated and so hard (I lost my own dad suddenly a couple of years ago too). But it just feels like all her anger is being unfairly directed at us. I am fed up with being a punch bag and I feel so sad and hurt about all of it. My DH is devastated and I don’t know how to help him. The children are asking why they haven’t seen her and I don’t know what to say to them. I also don’t know if I will ever be able to have a relationship with her again after some of the terrible, hurtful things she has said about us and our young children. I don’t think I could ever trust her again.

Thanks for reading this, and I really appreciate any advice on how to move forward from here.

Sadly DH was wrong and indeed if she has turned against others like this it would have indeed been your turn at some stage.

People from dysfunctional families like the one your DH has come from end up playing roles. Such types of families never ever play by the "normal' rules of familial engagement; the rule book well and truly goes out the window. I guess too you have never experienced or come across such familial dysfunction before meeting your now DH.

People like his sister do not respond well to therapy and I doubt she would ever sit in front of a therapist in any case. She likely thinks that she has and is doing nothing wrong here re you people.

DH definitely felt a lot of obligation and guilt, and he had a lot of fear of upsetting his sister.

just as an example she would say to him X task needs doing and you have to do it, but it wouldn’t be acceptable for him to do it at a time that was convenient for him, and in a way that worked for him/us. It had to be done her way and exactly at the time she said.

FIL’s empty house needed to be cleaned before it went on the market. We said “leave it to us and we’ll happily pay for a cleaning service”, but that wasn’t acceptable - she would only accept one of us doing it and it had to be that weekend.

The children and DH were all unwell, and I was clearly coming down with it too, but anyway like a mug I went round and spent the whole of Saturday cleaning his filthy house on my own. The next day we all tested positive for Covid and I was then in bed for a week.

anyway even that wasn’t enough for her. She went round to inspect my cleaning job and then sent a rude message about how I had done something wrong in her view.

You’re right, luckily my family isn’t like this and I’m grateful for it. When my dad died suddenly I was able to do more to support our mum than our sister was at that point, due to stuff in her own personal life. It never even occurred to me to hold that against her, it was just never an issue. We just accepted, without it needing to be said, that we were each able to offer different support at different times. We then worked together as joint executors of my dad’s will.

His sister really does see you and her brother your now H as both weak and spineless to be bossed about as she sees fit. You're bit part players to be moved around by her on a game board whilst she remains at the centre of her universe. This is also why you have to withdraw completely from her now.

Say no more to being abused and further teach your children not to say how high when a relative or person asks you to jump to their command.

Does your DH still seek his sister's approval (like he probably did with his own abusive father)?. Its approval such types will never give and unsurprisingly you were not thanked for all your effort for a man who did not deserve any help either.

I couldn’t put up with this. I know it’s his sister but she is the one burning bridges. I cut contact with an abusive family member, not even as bad as you are describing, and it was the right thing to do for my own mental health and peace of mind.

Yes he always did seek her approval, including about our relationship in the early days, which is why I was scared of her and her judgment. I think in my gut I never trusted her, but I tried very hard. I welcomed her into my friendship group as she doesn’t have many friends, had her as a bridesmaid at our wedding, always made sure she was able to spend time with the kids, made sure my DH got her lovely birthday and Christmas gifts (as he’s a bit rubbish at gift buying) etc

She sounds awful and nothing you ever do would be good enough to her.
Why doesn’t she speak to her mum? What does her mum think of her behaviour and attitude?

Their mum left their dad due to domestic abuse, coercive control and repeated affairs. SIL has always sided with her dad and blamed their mum, whilst worshipping their dad. MIL has accepted being ostracised over the years, but is devastated that this has happened to us and the children. I think she feels very helpless. I do everything I can to avoid talking to her about it as I don’t want her to feel worse!

You now know what she is like and you need to stay away from her altogether.

There is good reason why people like his sister have no friends; it is because she has driven them away with her disordered of thinking behaviour. Drop the rope entirely re his sister and have no more to do with her going forward. If she sends you further abusive text messages go to the police and have no compunction in doing so. They are well versed in dealing with people like your sister in law and they will warn her.

I think you need to talk to his mother about the impact this has had on you people. Abuse thrives on secrecy and sunlight is the best disinfectant.

How old were your now H and SIL when their mother left her (and in turn the kids) abuser and master manipulator?. Unfortunately the emotional damage done to your now SIL by her father was baked in and she is very much like him now.

Take this opportunity to lose another abusive member of DH's family from your lives would be my advice

Sorry you are going through this experience but you have 3 choices
Let her carry on with her frankly bullying and appalling behaviour with the detrimental effect on your family.
Stand up to her and pull her up everytime she is abusive and rude and just say no to any ridiculous requests.
Cut her off completely
Unfortunately your husband has to stand up to her and look after his own family.

That’s awful that she blamed her mum! She sounds incredibly toxic, so personally, I’d distance myself and children from her and focus on your MIL instead.

Fuck the SIL right off into the bin, horrid woman.

I’m sorry you and your family (including MIL) are going through this, unfortunately your SIL seems to have inherited her Dad’s personality. She needs therapy and probably a slap.

Block her, encourage DH and possibly MIL to do the same (if they’re both getting abused by her too) and ignore her until she gives up and moves on.

I promise you, grief does not do this to people.
People who are already horrible bullies use grief as an excuse for their behaviour.

I lost my Mum suddenly last year in a horrendous way. My two siblings barely saw her, all 3 of us are still devastated.
I paid for everything (I was next of kin), cleared her house, dealt with everything including the police while I was pregnant.
I would never hurl abuse at my siblings, they were grieving and full of regrets at the same time. It took them around 10 months to thank me for everything I did, I didn’t need thanking.

Cut contact. SIL is abusive. That’s all there is to it.

Crazy families - I have my fair share of that challenge. They behaved appallingly on the day of our father's funeral - but ultimately it was a gift, it allowed me to walk away from them, knowing that our relationship could not recover, I made no dramas, no accusations, I just gently withdrew myself with dignity. After 4 years, they have been back in touch demanding money. I'm ignoring them and they are getting a bit stampy with their feet. The nice thing is I don't have to respond. Going non contact was painful but ultimately the best thing I've ever done for my own sanity - I recommend it!

I would say continue to live your lives. Tell family members not to relay her rantings to you and DH.

Grief doesn't give people the excuse to be nasty. I'm at the receiving end of this and it's very nasty and painful.

When people behave this way, it's because it was always who they are deep down. Don't allow her to disturb your peace. She can be as angry as she wants about the will, that's her problem.

The person in my situation is also exceedingly angry about the will - but that was the intention of the deceased who was of sound mind.
They think they should have got more in the will. Tough is what I say. The deceased left what they wanted to leave and this lashing out, will certainly not lead to any of my inheritance going their way.

I will live peacefully not seeing them for the rest of my life.

Agree she is bullying you with her horrible behaviour. What does your DH want to do? It’s his sister.
personally I’d simply stop seeing her and cut contact. She sounds angry and raging, but that’s not your problem and the comments about your dc aren’t forgivable

They left when SIL was 9 and DH was still a baby. SIL chose to move back in with him when she was 13. There was a period when DH also lived with him for a while as a teenager - FIL would get angry with him for the usual teenaged antics, pin him up against the wall by his neck, and punch him in the stomach. He would go on holidays with his girlfriend and leave DH (who was 14 at the time) to care for his girlfriend’s profoundly disabled child when he was meant to be at school!! Honestly my DH is the most kind and gentle person, and it breaks my heart that anyone could do this to him.

I think that both she and your DH have been damaged to various degrees by your FIL, and who wouldn't be. The difference is that your DH has the insight to understand how not to let his childhood affect his adult life. I think that you can both feel sorry for how awful her developmental years were and keep her at a distance to protect your family. Your DH doesn't owe her anything. Think of her as contagious, if she had a deadly infection like ebola you would both feel sorry for her and stay away from her to protect yourself and your family. The abusive behaviour should not be allowed to affect another generation.

I understand that she is badmouthing you and it seems as though you all live in the same community. Some people will believe her but I imagine most won't. She is doing a smear campaign against you so probably the best thing to do is to be very reasonable and understated in the face of that. "Poor X is really struggling with the grief of losing her dad and unfortunately she is lashing out in a very unhealthy way that is making it very difficult for us to maintain a relationship with her. We are giving ourselves a little distance in the hope that our relationship will be back to normal in the future."

Sorry OP, that’s hard. Agree with others - strong and consistent narrative and / or blocking all contact with her. Use the narrative with her and any other relatives - close any further conversation down. She sounds completely unreasonable and I wouldn’t accept it in my life personally. You provided the support that you could, it was your FIL choice how his assets are split, you won’t be engaging in further discussion of conjecture about who provided support. Every. Single. Time.

Completely agree with your point that they are both damaged. My DH has become a peace keeper and people pleaser (I’ve always recognised that and tried my best to respect that and give him space and never push him in to anything), and SIL has become bitter and angry and resentful.

Nailed it @PrizedPickledPopcorn I came here to say similar.
OP, don't try to fix this, it needs to run its course. The past is set in stone, so nothing there can change, sadly. Concentrate your energy on your DH and DC, create robust boundaries and leave SIL out of it. Good luck x

Op

It was too late for your now SIL when she was nine. She got manipulated by her dad, is probably very much like he was and completely sided with him.

People pleasing often arises out of wanting to please an emotionally absent parent or an abusive parent like his late father. He needs therapy for his people pleading behaviour also because his boundaries are damaged.

What happened here is all on their abusive dad. Your DH may well want to contact NAPAC as they are very helpful at working with those affected by childhood abuse.

It's always about the money...........