Been together a long time, husband seems to forget he is a husband only and not my blood relative, anyone else?

[Dpxuek971]

Sorry I didn't know how else to explain it in the title . Does anyone else feel this has happened with their husbands?
I was 16 and he was 17 when we got together. We are now in our 40s. Do we have spent almost our entire adult lives together.
First 10 years of relationship felt normal, romantic ,passionate etc. Then we had kids ao the next 10 years spent enjoying them which was lovely.
Now we are older and the kids are older my husband has changed alot but I have not. I feel I am exactly the same personality wise. I look differnt obviously.
He has completely changed looks and personality. He looks about 60 and had let himself go, and can be quite moody. But the main thing I have noticed a lot is he speaks to me as if he is my brother or my parent amd also he acts that way too.Ive started pointing this out to him but he cant see it.
Examples, he will do a lot of gross things around me that he finds funny . Such as farting right next to me at least 10 times every night whilst watching tv. If he finds something on himself like fluff or something he will throw it on me. He will not shower or put deodorant on for long periods. Its almost as if he really enjoys being gross.
The way he sometimes talks to me makes me feel weird. It is very obvious that he doesn't think of me as an equal or even a partner. I will often say to him , we are not blood related, I can leave you at any time , I dont have to put up with you being gross etc. But its as if he cant comprehend this as we have been together so long.
If hes moaning at the kids about picking up mess etc he will include me in it as if I am his child. Or he will chastise me over something that makes me feel as if im his child. I cannot express how much I hate this.
I dont know if its a coping mechanism or if I am neurodivergent but when he does this I now have an extreme reaction. I want to divorce him immediate , start looking at houses and planning my own life , become very defensive and stroppy almost like the teenager he is treating me as. I think its all very weird and I dont like it.
Had anyone else experienced this im a very long term relationship? To add we are not intimate and don't share a room either which i think adds to this. But like I say its mostly that he seems to forget we are a married couple that can separate at any time

I would say i am exactly the same as when we met. I dont think I have changed one little bit. Noone around me has ever said ive changed. I was a very mature teenager anyway as an only child of older parents.

He has changed beyond all recognition. His personality is completely different. The only part of him thats still the same is he sulks for days if we fall out.

Something I forgot to mention, for the first decade we were equals with our jobs. Then he became very senior. Executive level and I raised the kids. That is when it started. I used to say to him if his head got any bigger it wouldnt fit through the door. He suddenly started to treat me as if I was an employee, one who was much lower than him . One who wasnt entitled to opinions and was told I was always wrong or made out I was thick.

Now hes off work at the moment and ive been working full time for years. Yet nothing has changed. He still has a very high opinion of himself whilst doing all of those gross things

It sounds like you just don't like him any more. It happens, particularly if one partner changes and the other doesn't. You can leave on that basis alone - you are not required to stay just because you've been with him a long time.

A therapist friend said something interesting to me a while back, which is that when one partner refuses to engage with the other on a serious issue (such as the talking down, the grossness), then they de facto end the relationship, even if they stick around. Being in a relationship means listening to and engaging with the other person, particularly on things they care about. The person who refuses to engage is the person who ends the relationship, even if it is the other person who actually calls time and leaves.

Been with my girlfriend for 21 years and just found out she selling her self.pics and video feel lost and we have five kids 😞

It's not you, it's him.

You say you want to leave, but you haven't. What's stopping you?

Time to start planning a better life for yourself OP.

You are both pretty young to have given up on sex, was that mutual? Does he have some hormonal problems that are affecting him mentally. In your 40s you are still young, you should still be enjoying life together including sex, it sounds like you have both given up and just rattle around the same house together getting old and cranky.

I couldn’t cope with him under the same roof as me .
Don’t let this be the rest of your life OP .

I couldn't put up with what you describe. I'd give final warning and deadline for improvement and if no improvement I'd divorce him.

It’s a basic lack of respect. And I couldn’t spend more than 5 minutes of my precious time with someone who didn’t respect me, let alone a whole marriage.

Decide who you are OP. And if you decide you’re not someone who tolerates a lack of respect for you then put the wheels in motion to leave.

Some of your story sounds a bit like the boiling a frog analogy where his gross behaviour has just crept in over time without you hardly noticing - and now (perhaps because of the menopause or just because somethings tipped you over the edge) you now can no longer tolerate his behaviour.

TBF - the not wearing deodorant and farting would be beyond what many of us could put up with. let along the talking to you like an employee or child.

On the other hand - you don't share a bedroom and are not intimate - so why should he see you as any different to a flat mate or sibling? I'm wondering who initiated the separate bedroom and why?

Also you've threatened to leave before - and so far never have - so why would he take you seriously and change his behaviour if he sees this as an empty threat?

You need to decide what YOU want. Do you want to re-kindle your marriage? What would it take for you to want that? Do you think you would be intimate with him at any point? Do you think couple counselling would help? Leaving him is OK - you can leave for any reason if that's what you decide. But whichever way you decide you need to get him to understand you mean it.

Christ, no, OP, I just couldn't cope with this. When my ex and I split up and it forced the issue of having to sell up and find somewhere new, it was bloody stressful, but it was the best thing I ever did. My life is unrecognisable and a million times better. Taking the first step is the hardest, but Iife is so much better on your own and not having to put up with this shite.

Sounds vile and tedious. He doesn't respect you, you ask him not to and he carries on. Why are you still there? Life is too short. Start divorce proceedings, there's nothing left of your relationship. He sounds like an idiot. Good luck to you, you deserve better. Being single is fine

The sacrifices you made to stay home, prioritise the children ought to have made you grow in respect from him. The fact that he tries to demean you says it all...huge powerplay which is not compatible with a loving relationship
Give him a time line to improve with a performance review meeting at the end. Keep a diary. This is not high status behaviour, sorry OP
💐

I will often say to him , we are not blood related, I can leave you at any time

You won't though, so what's the point in saying it.

He's going to carry on farting, you're going to carry on threatening to leave and nothing will happen.

This is your future OP. It looks grim.

He treats you with contempt. That's fatal to most relationships.

You might be happy to tolerate this; he might find it ‘funny’; and I might find it repulsive (and, thankfully, not at all representative of ‘a lot of men’). The real issue, though, is that his wife has expressed to him that she neither likes nor wants to put up with it and yet he continues to show a complete lack of respect for her by continuing to behave this way. She is, therefore, perfectly within her rights to leave.

He's not listening, or changing.

You potentially have another 30-40 years of this. Is that what you want?

What do you plan on doing about it? Your updates don't sound too encouraging.

Get rid. Vile man

It seems like he isn't aware you have a choice because you aren't acting like you have a choice (saying you have one isn't the same). Have some boundaries in place and insist that he respect them.

Why are you still married to someone you don’t fancy, who you don’t have sex with or even share a bedroom with, who farts at you despite continually being told you don’t like it, doesn’t wash for days and doesn’t respect you at all??

You should not stay with someone just because you’ve always been with them or you’ve got kids together. It’s like that saying “stop throwing good money after bad”, you have to stop throwing more years at the situation just because you’ve invested so many already - you only get one life and you deserve to spend it happy and loved and respected and fulfilled!

None of my family members act like farm animals so I'm not sure what being a blood relative has to do with it, but he sounds completely disgusting.

You're done it's over you deserve much better. Life is fine when you're alone, in fact it can be fantastic.