Been together a long time, husband seems to forget he is a husband only and not my blood relative, anyone else?

[Dpxuek971]

Sorry I didn't know how else to explain it in the title . Does anyone else feel this has happened with their husbands?
I was 16 and he was 17 when we got together. We are now in our 40s. Do we have spent almost our entire adult lives together.
First 10 years of relationship felt normal, romantic ,passionate etc. Then we had kids ao the next 10 years spent enjoying them which was lovely.
Now we are older and the kids are older my husband has changed alot but I have not. I feel I am exactly the same personality wise. I look differnt obviously.
He has completely changed looks and personality. He looks about 60 and had let himself go, and can be quite moody. But the main thing I have noticed a lot is he speaks to me as if he is my brother or my parent amd also he acts that way too.Ive started pointing this out to him but he cant see it.
Examples, he will do a lot of gross things around me that he finds funny . Such as farting right next to me at least 10 times every night whilst watching tv. If he finds something on himself like fluff or something he will throw it on me. He will not shower or put deodorant on for long periods. Its almost as if he really enjoys being gross.
The way he sometimes talks to me makes me feel weird. It is very obvious that he doesn't think of me as an equal or even a partner. I will often say to him , we are not blood related, I can leave you at any time , I dont have to put up with you being gross etc. But its as if he cant comprehend this as we have been together so long.
If hes moaning at the kids about picking up mess etc he will include me in it as if I am his child. Or he will chastise me over something that makes me feel as if im his child. I cannot express how much I hate this.
I dont know if its a coping mechanism or if I am neurodivergent but when he does this I now have an extreme reaction. I want to divorce him immediate , start looking at houses and planning my own life , become very defensive and stroppy almost like the teenager he is treating me as. I think its all very weird and I dont like it.
Had anyone else experienced this im a very long term relationship? To add we are not intimate and don't share a room either which i think adds to this. But like I say its mostly that he seems to forget we are a married couple that can separate at any time

Better to be on your own than to be this badly accompanied. I would urge you to seek legal advice asap re all aspects of divorce. You need to know what life is like outside of him also because you got together when you were both children.

What do you want to teach your dc about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are also more aware than perhaps either if you think about the parlous state of your marriage.

He only does it to me, noone else , which makes me feel even worse. Hes obviously so comfortable with me he feels like he can be his true self.
If hes in a bad mood or weve fallen out , he wont do the farting etc.
Im just so tired of it. I didn't sign up to be with a disgusting slob. He wasnt like this before, its something hes evolved into

He sounds grim OP, it sounds like he totally takes you for granted and stopped respecting you long ago.

What’s your situation, do you work? Could you afford to leave him? How old are the kids? Would you be able to get a house just for you and them. I would start planning tbh. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life like this.

And you’re not over-reacting by the way.

You’ve got the “ick” and sounds like you’ve probably fallen out of love.

Time for a proper chat about the future and how to get some of the spark back into your relationship. If he won’t engage then it’s probably time to call it a day.

I have been with my husband for 27 years since I was 20 years old. It's a little different but until recently when we very nearly separated he was massively taking me for granted. I almost left him but the intimacy has not returned. Some men are just like this. I intend to leave my husband when my eldest turns 18 because I simply cannot spend the rest of my life like this and cannot forgive some things that have been done (I haven't been perfect either mind you).We've grown apart as have you and your partner. How old are your kids?

Every marriage needs work, and he clearly stopped putting in his side a while ago. I would alway suggest open and honest communication, but it seems you are part that point. You expressed how much his behaviour is frustrating you, and he refuses to alter it, meet you halfway, etc. I am sorry such a long-standing relationship can come to this @Dpxuek971 , but you have spent - as you said - your whole adult life with this man, and you can't change who he has become, but there is one thing that is within your power to change: for the sake of your own peace, leave him. Not to teach him a lesson, or to screw him over, that will be none of your concern how he copes with it.. But for your own peace of mind. You deserve better than being disregarded and chastised. Being alone is a hundred times better than being with the wrong person.

OP, you only mention at the end of your post that you and he are not intimate and don’t share a bedroom. To me sleeping together is central to a marriage, though I know some people can’t because of health issues.

Which came first, this loss of intimacy or his behaving like a young lout in an all-male flatshare? Did you stop sleeping together because his gross behaviour repulsed you?

Or did he start responding loutishly to a lack of sexual intimacy? This is a problem, but surely it’s not insurmountable.

I well understand why you find him repulsive now! But could you have a serious talk with him about whatever issues ended your sexual relationship? Tell him you’re hurt by his behaviour, deeply enough to leave him. Get him to talk about his feelings too.

You probably have a chance of saving your marriage if you want to. But even if you don’t, discussing it honestly and openly may help you split up amicably.

He just sounds gross. None of my blood relatives behave like that around me. I wouldn’t be around them if they did.

I dont know if its a coping mechanism or if I am neurodivergent

A growing, compelling and understandable reaction against your other half does not indicate neurodivergence

It just sounds like you have been together a long time and have grown apart, it happens. Time to make a solid plan to leave there’s no reason to stay together

I'm not sure this is about how a person behaves around blood relatives. This is about standards & respect.

People maintain good standards of personal hygiene out of respect for themselves and the people around them. It's absolutely horrible to share living space with an adult with poor personal hygiene.

Fart jokes? Some people think that's hilarious. Most don't. You have said you found it revolting & he carries on anyway, making it clear that he has no regard for you.

I don't think it really matters how or why you got here (meeting young etc). He's clearly not motivated to change and feels complacent that you will continue to put up with this. The question is what next.

Everyone's focusing on the farting here, but the fact that he doesn't shower or wear deodorant and you don't have sex or even share a room suggests the relationship has been dead as a doornail for years.

The reason he doesn't think you'll leave him is because you haven't left him yet. You keep saying 'I could leave you at any time' but you haven't actually done that.

I would imagine OP means the essence of herself is the same. I’m in my 60s but the core person I was at 16 is still me. So if I had married at 16 that spouse would still have the same core me fifty years later.

I think you just married an immature c*nt and you're now unable to put up with it.

I really feel for you OP. Like you say, he can’t or won’t see that all these disgusting behaviours add up to a bigger issue. I think you’ve actually been very perceptive to see it for what it is ie a familial rather than romantic relationship. I think you should consider leaving, it would be hard to find him attractive again after all this. As a PP suggested, maybe do it incrementally. Go away for weekends and holidays on your own. Wishing you the best. You are still young!!

So in over 25yrs you havent changed at all? You are exactly the same person!?

If you arent happy, just leave.

This is exactly right. You get no prize at the end of a miserable life. Leave him. You’ll have a better time in a peaceful smaller place of your own, without anyone farting 10 times next to you. Just do it.

He treats you with contempt. He knows you hate it and he deliberately does it anyway.

He doesn't behave like this with anyone else. He chooses to do it to you.

It's like it just amuses him to see how much shit he can make you put up with. This doesn't sound like a person who loves or values or even respects you. The opposite of all those things, actually.

He sounds like a lot of men... they find farting funny and don't care about it.

He just sounds immature. I'm sure you aren't the same as when you were 16 though you may think it, other people will have a different opinion of you.

This, eurgh i want to divorce him just from reading a few seconds of it 🤢

That sounds like it is you that has changed, not your DH. I'm in a similar situation, I feel I've grown and matured a lot but DH hasn't changed so much.
We're also not a young loved up couple anymore, we're very comfortable. He is gross sometimes and he'd probably say the same about me. I'm not at the point where I want to leave, it just feels like natural growth and progression in a long term marriage. I'd hate to have to worry about keeping up airs and graces in my own home. I can completely be myself and act the same way I would if I was alone.
I think my DH would probably say I can speak to him like a child too, it's infuriating when he leaves mess around.

Abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world and his abuses of you are aimed at you and in turn your children. They pick up on all
the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you two.

He does not treat his work colleagues with such contempt. How can you be helped here into leaving him?. You should not stay with him for the supposed sake of the children if this is what you’re thinking.

Familiarity breeds contempt as they say. Look up the Adult Parent Child dynamic and how to break out of it.

I would communicate all of this clearly to him, see what he says, then go from there.

He sounds like a filthy vile pig.

Stop explaining shit to him.
Get organised and leave.

He really sounds vile.