Would you feel comfortable with this much masturbating?

[NailsAreTooShort]

I've been with a lovely man for 4 months, I feel we communicate well, we both make a real effort and I genuinely enjoy his company. He's different to other men I've dated and feel on more of even playing field. We do both have children and live nearly an hour apart, so we only see each other at the weekend as of course the children don't know (mine are 10 and 15, his are 4 and 6). We both late 30s.

Anyway, we have good sex, but...he has told me (I actually think he perhaps didn't mean to) that he has a very strong sex drive, and he masturbates every day, quite often twice a day. He said something about seeing woman in leggings and it can make him horny? I feel a bit uncomfortable and strange about it, but obviously its not up to me to tell him what to do with his body. I just need to decide if this is a line for me. When I see him he won't do it for a couple of days now, because it did affect sex a few times as he couldn't climax.

So, my question is, would this bother you? Have you had a boyfriend/partner/husband who did this everyday, and if so, how did you feel?

I think the fact it affects his sex life and he can’t finish would indicate he’s probably watching porn while masturbating and he’s therefore desensitised to normal sex. Think about it he can cum twice a day so it’s not a problem with not having the energy or desire. It’s the intercourse itself that he can’t finish from. That would put me off massively. Watching that much porn will be a problem especially once the newness of the relationship wears off.

I think it’s really great that you and your partner can talk openly about this quite early on. Maybe the bit about leggings was to say he doesn’t do porn. He obviously knows this does affect his performance with you, but I see it that he does want to have good sex with you and this is the reason it hasn’t always been great. You have to consider what it will be like being with him long term.

Thank you everyone for such considered (and funny!) Replies, I really appreciate it.

He does watch porn, but he has said that he tries to be conscientious about how much porn he watches and tries not to use it? He definitely uses it though! He also said that sex and masturbing are very different and he doesn't want it to affect us. I think he knows it could become an issue, but it feels manageable because of how often we see each other. He was in a LT relationship before me and said he has also had this sex drive and masturbated like this since he was a teenager, he said the drive just hasn't left yet. He probably "got away" with doing it so much in his last relationship because they had children and I would rather my partner sorted themselves out during that time!

The leggings comment did throw me a bit, I think he has a thing for them. When we were out yesterday and woman were walking by I did feel a bit anxious, and I don't like that. Although, in general, my self esteem isn't great.

I think there may be some nitpicking going on as he discussed his children meeting me in the next few months and had talked it through with his ex a little, and I won't be doing that if I'm not as sure as I can be.

He sounds like a porn addict with an iron wrist - not being able to climax is a major red flag with a partner who wanks all day every day

Of course he‘s interested in other women - you think there’s some switch he threw 4 months ago when started dating OP? He looked before and will continue to look - which is perfectly normal and acceptable. We all do it. You don’t suddenly stop finding people attractive once in a relationship - though plenty on MN think you should.

My DH of 20 years will either masturbate most days or we have sex. Or both. Perfectly
normal. Suggest you start wearing some sexy leggings- sounds like he would appreciate it.

But telling your new GF about it?

And the fact that he struggles to climax and probably watches too much porn, so sex may be unsatisfying by and leave you feeling like something is wrong with you, Hes not attested enough.

He can climax to women in leggings but not sex. It’s just bad news. The relationship is set up for trust issues and insecurity.

If you are in a relationship, unless it's an open relationship, it's not normal to tell your partner you are looking at other women and mastubating over them.
That is a form of negging.

Seeing other people are attractive doesn't stop when you are in a relationship. It's what you do about it that is the important thing.

Yes it’s normal to find other people attractive but what’s not normal is telling your partner of a few weeks that other people turn you on so you have to have a wank over them.

Sorry OP but if you already have issues with self esteem then being with a porn addled bloke who tells you that he wanks thinking about other women will destroy you.

Your gut is telling you this is wrong - please stop ignoring your instincts and twisting yourself into a pretzel to justify his behaviour. It’s grim

His mistake was telling you about it. Most, if not all, men are like this. They just know to keep quiet about it because women are uncomfortable when they realise how base their instincts really are. I think often the men themselves are uncomfortable with it.

Masturbating daily is normal for many people. And not masturbating for a couple of days before seeing you is normal - not all men can perform every day. Getting turned on by people you see is normal, as long as it’s kept private and doesn’t impact on them. But telling you about it is the red flag. Not sure why he felt the need to do that, I can only guess he’s feeling very comfortable with you. You decide if that’s a good or bad thing.

Sounds like too much, so much so that he is easily getting aroused by just the sight of a woman in leggings.

tell him not to go to Parkrun 😶

Most definitely this.

Also, I think you said it’s a relatively new relationship so if he’s having issues now with finishing (and he’s only in his late 30s so shouldn’t be any issues) what will it be like in a few years’ time. My first thought was definitely overuse of porn.

He's become so desensitized that just the sight of a woman in leggings gets him aroused?

Can only climax gripping with his hand masturbating (and watching porn), not normal sex

😂@IrredeemablySo

He can't help that he has a high drive, but yes, how could one take him anywhere without thinking ''he's going to have to wank after seeing her / that''. 😐

Just imagine - a daughter of niece of yours spends time around him wearing quite a glamorous or sexy outfit before they go to a party or out clubbing.

What do you think is going to be running through his head if just wearing leggings is enough to get him going? How about your friends' social media profiles - is he going to have a wank at them as well if they're pictured in a dress?

I think he's too horny OP, and that kind of libido gap usually means big problems for a couple sooner or later.

The leggings comment did throw me a bit, I think he has a thing for them. When we were out yesterday and woman were walking by I did feel a bit anxious, and I don't like that. Although, in general, my self esteem isn't great

OP - there are lots of fit women in leggings in the gym, so I assume I doesn't go at all, as that would be uncomfortable for him?

He sounds like a sex pest OP. The leggings thing is fucked up. One thing to think it, another thing to tell your GF.

The leggings comment is grim.

Death grip will destroy your self esteem.

It’s only been a few months. I would move on.

I don't think that him getting turned on by seeing women in leggings is a red flag. I think men get turned on all the time by seeing women in really tight clothes such as leggings, low-cut tops. etc. It's nature, it's how men work. I think they tend to not share with us how much they get stimulated by these visuals, so we get shocked when we find out. What matters is how he reacts - i.e. that he does not make a pest of himself to any woman, doesn't stare at her or harass her or make unwanted advances.

To expect a man not to be turned on sometimes by seeing women in sexy tight clothing and to see this natural biological reaction as a "red flag" really betrays a naivete about men. They are mostly sex-hungry, visual, lusty creatures (why do you think I'm single!) and it's a pain in the arse but it does serve a purpose. Basically, without the strong and irrepressible male sex drive, the human race would never have survived. Evolution has not yet caught up with the fact that there are enough people in the world and there is no longer any need for men to want to shag anything attractive that walks by.

It's also not at all uncommon for them to masturbate once or twice a day. But if it's affecting your sex life, it's too much.

That's the exact opposite of desensitisation.

I’d say once a day is pretty normal. However, I wouldn’t like the leggings comment and I wouldn’t be impressed if I only seen him once a week and it impacted our sex life

I don't mean to yuck anyone's yum, I suppose... But there is something is definitely off, and it should be something to raise some bells for you. You have been seeing this man for 4 months, and that level of confession seems like a little bit mature. Honesty and openness are fundamental, but things tend to develop in a certain pace.. The confession itself is worth pondering. Aroused by women in leggings? That's like saying - hey, every time I go outside, I can't help but get horny with these seductive women in their leggings. I don't know about you, but it sounds like we are dealing with a 13-year-old who just got out of being raised in an all-male monastery. It's just off, sorry to say. He has kids, presumably he does school runs at times, where there will be moms in leggings. I don't know OP, I admit that my sex drive is somewhat on the higher end, but I keep my drive where it is needed - at home in the marital bed. I don't get horny just from walking to Sainsburys or picking up my children from school. It's not entirely normal.
I also don't need to go there, but the fact that he masturbates so much (presumably while watching porn - again, an assumption) combined with him not being able to finish screams addiction, by the way. I am not pretending to be a web doctor, diagnosing through the screen, just saying that those two combined makes it a super high chance.