Chores

[bunny85]

Hi everyone. I would like to hear a perspective if what my husband does around the house is more or less fair. He was raised in a household where his mum did everything and his dad nothing, so already this is a bad start kinda. So he works 6 days a week and I work 4. So he does bins, loading/unloading dishwasher (not every single day but often), makes the kids ready and takes them to school in the morning (every day) and pick ups 2-3 days a week. Does DIY too when needed. He wakes up to the kids at night if needed most of the time. Some bath times.

I do: all cooking and all washing and putting away stuff. All ordering and all mental load. All homework and everything school related and all admin.

We have a cleaner once a week.

I keep thinking that I do mainly all the stuff and he gets mad as he thinks he does more than enough. I don’t know, what does everyone think?

Sounds fair to me. It appears that you both do the things that need doing. If anything it seems he does more.

Think it seems pretty reasonable to be honest, especially with the school run help etc.
What is causing you this resentment specifically?
I tend to find if you "score keep" in a relationship it can build resentment. You are a team, as long as you focus on helping each other, working together and picking up the slack when one is struggling or ill and show appreciation its all good.

It depends how much time that all takes you and also whether the extra day he works - which means you have to do more - is going to you/family or just him.

I think a good place to start is how much leisure time do you both get a week? Start there, make sure it's equal, and work backwards from there

P.s the mental load thing is hard and really does fall on the woman's shoulders but it sounds like you do have some time to keep all this organised. How old are your kids? As they get older, there is more homework and more clubs so prepare for this!

I think it’s mainly his unwillingness to do any cooking, cleaning or washing. For cleaning we have a cleaner so that’s ok. Cooking and washing are all big tedious jobs which I have to do whereas to take the bins out takes a minute. Same with the dishwasher, it’s very quick. So he kinda chose these jobs for himself. Luckily he’s doing the school runs and night wakings if needed. All admin and mental load is on me. But I’m glad that people think it’s more or less fair. Means I can let go of this situation a bit and not get so upset. Because I keep having these ideas that I’m being taken for a mug. Thank you very much for your reply.

They are 6 and 10

I’d say it’s equal. It’s not that I’m extremely tired but more the idea that it has to be fair. Thank you for your reply

Thank you

Sounds like he’s doing more then his fair share

Do you each have equal leisure time?

Yes more or less equal

Cooking everyday is tedious, why don’t you say upfront that you can’t cope with having to cook everyday and he needs to share the load? Split your washing and make him wash his own clothes so you feel less like his maid. Taking the bins out is not remotely comparable, it’s a 2 minute job. I can’t fathom women who don’t do the bins and their male partners then think it counts as a serious chore. Tell him you want to switch and you’ll do the bins and he needs to split the cooking with you.

Tried but he won’t do it. He’s really stubborn. He thinks he’s doing plenty

He’s being ridiculous. When my bf moved in he told me he liked cooking and didn’t like washing up. I said great you can do all the cooking and I’ll wash up. He soon felt regretful at having to do all the cooking because it is so tedious and it takes much longer than washing up. He complained and eventually i conceded and split the cooking with him. You need to be more assertive, he’s taking the mickey.

Sounds like he actually does more than you tbh

He does work 50% more than you, you 4 days v his 6 days
how many hours do each of you actually work

I honestly tried but impossible. Only leads to an argument. He says he hates cooking and isn’t good at it and just simply won’t do it. He says if you don’t want to cook let’s get a takeaway

I hate cooking but unfortunately as we’re not wealthy and can’t afford a personal chef, we have to cook for ourselves. He has a child and children need feeding proper food. Go on strike.

He does longer hours overall. The hours vary a bit as he runs his own business. I work much shorter hours overall. On one of the days I work 10-4. Another day until 4 as well.

Sounds a lot better than what mine does

i do: cleaning
tidying
admin
set up direct debits
get up and get kid ready for school and school run
pick kid up

dh will do- bins when nagged
nothing else

Oh, this sounds difficult… this is exactly how my father in law was. Never lifted a finger in the house. I suppose it used to be normal back then.

Sounds like he is doing more than you given that he works more hours than you. And you have a cleaner !

Thank you this actually really helped. Maybe I shouldn’t have had a go at him tonight 😂

Why’s he doing all night wakings and school runs? If he won’t cook how did he eat before you were together?

I just made a thread about this. I dont tihnk my DH remotely understands how cooking is not equivalent to a quick hoover and putting then bins out