Chores

[bunny85]

Hi everyone. I would like to hear a perspective if what my husband does around the house is more or less fair. He was raised in a household where his mum did everything and his dad nothing, so already this is a bad start kinda. So he works 6 days a week and I work 4. So he does bins, loading/unloading dishwasher (not every single day but often), makes the kids ready and takes them to school in the morning (every day) and pick ups 2-3 days a week. Does DIY too when needed. He wakes up to the kids at night if needed most of the time. Some bath times.

I do: all cooking and all washing and putting away stuff. All ordering and all mental load. All homework and everything school related and all admin.

We have a cleaner once a week.

I keep thinking that I do mainly all the stuff and he gets mad as he thinks he does more than enough. I don’t know, what does everyone think?

Seems fairish, considering he came from a house where the woman do the work I think it’s a decent start. The mental load would be my point of contention, maybe he could do some of the admin?

The way me and DH do it is that we aim to give each other the same amount of “me” time / leisure time each week but obviously sometimes it’s skewed. If someone’s having a bad week then the other picks up the slack. I don’t do bins, I don’t do the drains/plugholes and I don’t clean the toilet. He doesn’t do any of the cooking. Those are our agreed on non negotiables - everything else depends on the day.

Have you tried a meal box thing like hello fresh? Saves some of the planning aspect and I can't see how he could say he can't follow the instructions provided

Sounds like he’s doing a fair amount of but I do understand about the cooking.
It is wearing to be the one who needs to plan , prep and cook the meals all the time .
I sometimes lack inspiration.
Maybe get a very good ready meal sometimes or make some dinners extremely simple .
The laundry , I understand that too it’s a daily chore and annoying.

A lot of men seem to believe that when they get married they are also employing a servant.

It would seem only fair to me that if he's at work and you are at home, then you do what needs doing at that time, but when you are both at home together, you both muck in together.

Do you have a whole day off work while the kids are at school? And you have a cleaner? He’s doing more than enough if he works 6 days a week imo.

Sound alike he might be doing more than his fair share. Sorry! You have three days off a week and a cleaner. Washing doesn't take long surely? The machine(s) does it. I do feel a bit sorry for him. Does he have any free time on his day off?

I work time. Husband works about 25 hours per week. He does do most of the cooking, and some of the laundry. He does very little house cleaning. Most of the chores are assigned to the children (ages 10 and 13)including washing bathrooms, caring for pets, and emptying bins and taking them to the curb (which requires the 13 year old to wake up two hours before he leaves for school-(even though Husband has that day free). Do you think Husband should assume more housecleaning duties?

It sounds very fair to me and the right balance

Sounds like you need to help out more.

I feel sorry for him if he’s working 6 days a week.
Cooking a family meal takes me 30 mins max!
Thunk you need to offer to do more with 3 days off and a cleaner!

This - you work 4 days and he works 6 days therefore you should be doing a lot more, he does plenty.

Your DH works 2 days more than you, you have a cleaner, if you don't want to cook all the time batch cook. Your DH does plenty.

I think he's pulling his weight too - perhaps doing a bit more than you given your work hours.
In our house, it's much more unequal though he does a fair amount of the cooking. Together with the DW, that's about it.

The more l read your posts and all the other little jobs that your DH does, night time, breakfast etc, I think that you are trying to take advantage of your DH not the other way round.

I was bracing myself expecting to read that he makes you one cup of tea a week and you do all the rest… In fact I think it sounds even.

You certainly don't need to be cooking every night. Why don't you cook enough for at least two nights? Or three nights if it's the sort of meal you can freeze? Cooking from scratch every night is a mug's game

My OH is a builder and a trained chef. he does all handy work (Cars, house repairs etc) and cooks all meals.
I clean the house, most of the time. he does it maybe once a week while im in the office
I do the dishwasher and laundry.
we both do bins and walk the dogs
he and his daughter are slobs and leave clothes, paper rappers everywhere so I refuse to pick that up.

You’re just stuck in that time of life. For context I did all the cooking and cleaning inside the house. My husband did all the shopping and outside of the house.
Our kids are older teenagers now so things have changed again.
Husband does all food shopping but I cook
I clean the inside and do washing etc but he does all the outside stuff.
He does all the bills, money etc and works from home.
I work outside the home but only about 15/20 hours a week. He would probably work about the same but home more.
It sounds like your husband already does a fair bit to be honest.

This was our set up for years, apart from no cleaner. We would eat out once every 2 weeks and have a takeaway. I don’t mind cooking, DH starts loading dishwasher and I finish it. I did all housework, school drop offs, pick ups were shared with a friend. I got so much done on my days off, I really didn’t expect my DH to do anymore around the house as he too worked 6 days a week doing a manual job, whilst I worked 2/3/4 days a week.

You sound exhausting, like you need your life to be a game of top trumps - just play to your strengths and accept , he does not cook, neither does my DH, but all the other things make up for it.

You work 2 days less then him and also much shorter hours. You should be doing more housework in that case. He does plenty.

Thanks everyone for the input. Actually it made me rethink the setup a little bit. For a start I decided to stop nagging him quite so much 😄 and I’ll try to show him my appreciation a bit more. Deep down somehow I’m still convinced I do more and have it harder, but I’ll try and see things more from his perspective. It’s true that I always moan a lot too, generally speaking

This doesn't come down to a list of jobs and who does what.

You should both get the same downtime. You can use that downtime to read, watch TV, lay in the bath, do a hobby, go for a walk, whatever. But if you both get the same amount of time to rest / do what you want to do, it's fair.

That means genuine downtime of course. Not - I'm sat on the sofa apparently relaxing but I'm actually planning a kids party / doing a food order / doing the banking / comparing energy prices.