Chores

[bunny85]

Hi everyone. I would like to hear a perspective if what my husband does around the house is more or less fair. He was raised in a household where his mum did everything and his dad nothing, so already this is a bad start kinda. So he works 6 days a week and I work 4. So he does bins, loading/unloading dishwasher (not every single day but often), makes the kids ready and takes them to school in the morning (every day) and pick ups 2-3 days a week. Does DIY too when needed. He wakes up to the kids at night if needed most of the time. Some bath times.

I do: all cooking and all washing and putting away stuff. All ordering and all mental load. All homework and everything school related and all admin.

We have a cleaner once a week.

I keep thinking that I do mainly all the stuff and he gets mad as he thinks he does more than enough. I don’t know, what does everyone think?

You have a whole day of free time more than him though, and finish at 4 for at least a couple of the days, it’s plenty of time to order a food shop and plan the meals given it’s really your biggest domestic responsibility.
It really doesn’t seem like he has hours and hours of free time while you’re slaving away.
Cooking the evening meal seems pretty equivalent to waking with the kids during the night, plus all early starts, getting them ready for school and dropping them off every day.

I’m also curious as to you being too tired or too busy to cook 3 nights a week anyway. I mean you start work later, don’t wake early with the kids, work and shorter day, less days,
and you’re worried that he’s taking advantage of you?

He wakes early with the kids, gets them ready, does their breakfast, packs them lunch and gets them to school every day. That’s completely equivalent to labour involved in cooking a family dinner.

Thank you I absolutely appreciate this. In that case I’ll probably leave him alone and won’t nag anymore. I just needed to understand if I’m being wrong there or not

' I just needed a genuine perspective as I hate if someone would try to take advantage of me'

HE is working 6 days a week...

and now you say he provides takeaways a couple of times a week

There are women that work full time, much longer hours than you do snd still do more than what you do, sorry if it’s blunt but it’s true, and one of those women was me back in the day when I had a school age kid! Oh snd I didn’t have a cleaner, or get takeaways and I used to take/pick up dd most days.
you’ve got it pretty good, believe me!

You have really been nagging him to do more?

Thanks very much for everyone’s input, I honestly thought the set up was quite unfair but I don’t have any problem with admitting if I’m wrong. It was very helpful to read all the responses. Indeed we are comfortable financially to afford takeaways and cleaner and other help, so I do value and appreciate this. Perhaps I’ve been unfair to him. I’m very glad I posted. I’ll try to cook more on my days off which I agree I should (I often just spend my days not doing much when I’m off). It’s just because my job is very stressful and I get a bit run down with stuff. Thank you so much to you all again.

You talked earlier about cooking pizza, you could have this on say a Friday or Saturday which will make your life easier and you get a bit more chill time.
ive Just read your last post where you say you do mostly nothing on your day off but just think your husband gets 1 day off and your expecting him to fill it with chores.

I agree, but on a week day we both come home from work (when it’s my working day) and he mostly chills while I sort out dinner, put the washing on, do homework, this kind of thing. He does some odd jobs like I said earlier such as bins and dishwasher and puts one of the kids to bed (I do the other one) but it’s mainly me hassling around while he mostly relaxes kinda. I mean it’s hard to describe. Some days he does a bit more, others less. Maybe I’m overthinking it. But it’s just his reluctance to do any cooking or washing that annoys me really. But it’s ok I can do it all so long as I now know I’m not being taken advantage of 😊

But then you do nothing in the morning while he gets up early and sorts the kids out? There are days you don’t start until 10am, and he’s sorting lunch, breakfast, dressing the kids, bringing them to school etc?
And then if he works longer hours and you aren’t cooking until he’s home then there’s some hours between 4pm and whenever you start dinner that aren’t particularly laborious either.

Yes this is all true what you say (only he doesn’t do packed lunch for the kids, only gives snacks. They eat school lunches)

So the issue is that neither of you want to do meals or the laundry.

So ask him to find a solution to that issue.

No, the issue is that neither of us want to do meals or the laundry, but I do it anyway, and he doesn’t

Well yes that is exactly what I mean.

Tell him you aren’t doing 100% of those cores anymore and what is his solution.

Cherry pick the chores you would rather do instead.

Its about communication and compromise and you not being the default for what he isn’t prepared to do.

But you also don’t want to get up early with the kids and sort them out, so he does 100% of that?
You seem to only want to do things on your terms, you only cook 4 nights a week which is pretty close to have the time anyway!

Yes of course because he has to do something, if he can’t or won’t cook or do the washing or organising stuff or homework or any of the life admin. I really think that he should be doing at least what he’s doing now already

He works 2 days more than you and longer days in general. You can’t say you basically sit around doing nothing on your day off and then claim you’re run ragged with chores and so hard done by.

He is doing plenty! Normally I would be the first person to call a man out for not pulling his weight, but that isn't what's happening here. You're lucky he's not on here asking if you're the one taking the piss, if I'm honest.

Yes, but he works more hours than you! And quite a few more, as well.

I really appreciate what you say- this was the whole point of posting here. Perhaps I’m wrong and I’m the first to admit it. I very often find that I need to see a bigger picture and a wider perspective to form an opinion because otherwise I’m very subjective

I’ll leave him alone on this subject (for now😂)

I would be thrilled if DP did all that.

a tally, I’d be thrilled if DP did a quarter of that.

or even ANY of that.

To be fair to the OP, it isn't a race to the bottom. It sounds as if your partner isn't doing nearly enough.

I’m sorry to hear your partner doesn’t help you much. It must be really difficult..

Perhaps you could work another day - a whole one
and
he could drop a day

he could spend that ' free ' day he then gets by putting the washing in the machine then into the tumble drier, and batch cook a couple of meals while the first load of washing is in the machine...

do you do a lot of hand washing ?

He does a good amount. Ignore people saying he does more than you that's clearly untrue. If you didn't have the cleaner I would say it wasn't fair because then you would have deep clean of kitchen and bathrooms, floors, beds etc weekly. He does about the norm of most men, not a hero by any means.