Is the grass always NOT greener

[Timeislimited]

Currently living in a less than satisfying relationship! We’ve been together a long time, nearly 20 years and have two children! But there’s no longer any love. We’re just room mates bringing up children. Of an evening we have dinner, sort the kids out, he then goes the gym not back until 10/11pm whilst I read a book or watch tv and it’s that everyday on repeat, with a few arguments thrown in there over the weekends. There’s no kissing, cuddling, companionship etc… and I really miss having an emotional connection with someone.

Am I in the wrong to want something more than this, to want to feel loved by someone? Or do all relationships decline like this?
All I keep getting told by people is the grass isn’t greener, the dating pool for a nearly 40 year old is a cesspit etc and then it really gets me thinking, am I wanting something that doesn’t exist?

YANBU, but how old are your kids? What would life look like if you split? Have you and DH exhausted all attempts to make things better?

Grass was certainly greener for me!

There is no way to tell. The one thing you do know is what you have now is not meeting your needs. You can either accept it or change it.
The choice may well be between being happily single and being unhappily married.
I had a wonderful long-term partner six years ago but living with him made me into a person I didn't like. I left him. He promised I will regret it. I didn't. I remember him with fondness but I know this was not the life for me.

Dating over 40 is fine. Yes, you may need to kiss some frogs. But that's part of the fun.

It could be much greener but unless there’s a drip feed that he’s terrible talk to him. We reached this point and are trying to get back to having nights in, dating, holding hands when out, having an actual laugh together because we got together for a reason and stayed together as long as you have for a reason too. Sorry you’re going through it, it’s so hard.

The grass definitely was greener for me.
Early 30’s, been together since I was teen, actually married about 4 years. No kids though.
There was absolutely nothing between us for years and we should never have got married. Always thought it wasn’t ’bad enough’ to leave. Realised after leaving that there was actually quite a bit of abusive behaviour portrayed by exH. Also it doesn’t have to be ‘bad’!
I knew I wanted to be loved, appreciated, wanted etc. It got to the point where I knew that wasn’t going to happen in the relationship and it only had a chance of happening if I wasn’t with him.
It took guts to leave (all I’d know since 15) but I am now with a wonderful man (old school friend!) and I can’t believe this is my life.
As I said, I didn’t have kids to consider though. They would want their mum to be her full self and happy though.

If you don't resent/hate/feel irritated by his very breathing then I'd speak to your partner and see if he is feeling the same.
If so, then you can both work on a plan to rekindle your relationship?
I wouldn't jump ship right now from what you have said.

You're not wrong to want more out of your relationship than you have. What have you tried as a couple to reconnect and rebuild your relationship?

Leaving the relationship doesn't guarantee you'll find another man who will be good for you (and your kids) and makes you happy. You might, you might not.

I think you should only leave the relationship if you'd rather be single than with him.

And for me too.

Sad situation to be in, @Timeislimited . Have you tried talking to your husband/partner about how you feel, and see how he feels about it at all? An open, honest conversation about your feelings... In an ideal world, you can talk it out, work on it together, hopefully he is also missing being more intimate and affectionate with you. Communication should be the first step, always.. Understanding where you two stand, and go on from here.. If he is fine as he is, and not willing to meet your needs, then you can think about said grass, and how green it is. Regarding the grass, there is no general rule. It could be nice, it could be worse, it really depends on what is out there, what comes your way, who is interested in you, and so on... nobody will be able to tell you. One thing I would say though, affection level with even the most exciting partner will shift and evolve in such a long relationship, kids definitely take away from any possible intimacy between two partners.. That is just a given. It's just up to the two grownups to work it out, see how they both feel, and what they want out of life.

The grass certainly was greener for me. We were together 10 years (no kids though) and split almost 2 years ago when I was 44 (instigated by him but it was the best thing for us both). I’ve since met someone (on Tinder, of all places!) and have never felt so alive, loved, desired, and just generally a lot of joy on a daily basis!

Realistically the best perspective to have is, do you want to continue in this vein or be single and co parent?

Whether the grass is greener or not is a moot point, you may never meet anyone else 🤷‍♀️

I felt very lonely in an unhappy marriage. I didn’t feel lonely living by myself when I left. So it depends what greener looks or feels like. I’m happily married again but didn’t have the massive complication of children from the previous marriage.

If/as you’re not married have you looked into the practicalities of splitting up?

It can be greener, but a lot of the time its not.

Dating is tough, a lot of idiots and time wasters etc... but you can get lucky.

Then there is disruption for kids, money, friends. I hate my ex with a passion - realised she was abusive and manipulative after we split BUT, there are times I long for that normality and family holidays etc...

If I could go back in time... I would have liked to see if we could make effort and improve it but doubt it would be successful. Most days I feel so happy not to be in it but there are times when its sad.

Lots of valid points here, appreciate everyone’s reply.

I am most definitely afraid of breaking us up as a family, as we can provide so much for the kids together and we are lucky to go on lots of holiday so I would definitely miss that! But the daily life now far outweighs what nice holidays we can go on! I constantly say to myself I’d rather being single than living the way I am right now! I’ve tried talking to him over the years so many times, but his same old ways always resurfaces! He just puts so little effort into our relationship, offers zero affection, constantly offloads his day on me but then I get nothing back in return, just so disinterested in what I have to say! On paper the relationship should be thriving but it’s clearly lacking in any communication or connection! I feel like I’m living alone majority of time anyway! Only I can know if it’s worth uprooting the kids life for the sake of myself having a bit of happiness

I have just posted a very similar thread except I am in early 50s so even less chance of meeting someone different now. I don't know (as I say in my thread) if this is just 'how things are' when you have been with someone so long. I am bored and lonely. And like you I feel selfish for potentially destroying my kids security. It's so hard.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5493479-lost-stuck-will-i-be-happier-if-i-leave-and-how-do-i-get-out

That gives a little more insight into how the two of you approach this. Often times when people are too comfortable and have a safety net, a positive change is not sticking...When you say "old ways resurfacing" makes me think that he makes some effort initially, and then reverts back... Do I understand it well? Maybe it's time to take away the safety net.. Have (yet) another talk about what is lacking, while making sure he understand that you are not able to stay in the relationship if this is what he can offer for the two of you.
At the end of the day - it is better to be single than be with the wrong person. That much is true.

The marriage is clearly over for both of you. Are you syre he’s not in another relationship and just staying for the kids?

Going to the gym every evening is an evasive way to live - is he hiding something? My DH and I have been together 20+ years and have been through some terrible times but there was always love at the centre of our relationship which carried us through.

Yeah, he is hiding his workouts 🤔
Why someone going to the gym is questioned so much on MN? I workout four times a week and have an evening dance class twice a week. My gym is full of men and women who workout five to six times a week, most of them are married with kids. Some people really do live like that and it's no more suspicious than sitting on your sofa every night watching Coronation Street.

Well, my husband went to the gym every evening and he was hiding a drink problem. I swim every day and have no problem with regular exercise but op sounds like she is sat lonely on the sofa every night and it is a problem for her. Out till 10/11 o’clock sounds lonely to me.

I sympathise, OP.
The grass was greener for me, but I didn’t v actually leave my exh until the kids were through university because of the the timing (exams etc) and I knew it would be toxic over money. Also didn’tb want them to have step parents. I was 60 and had zero expectations of meeting another man, but I have had two (sequentislly!) really good relationships since the (one lasted 2.5 years and am in the current one for a year, as well as a lot of male attention -my current relationship is the best I’ve ever had and I think it well last forever.
However…. I was very very lucky that the divorce finances eventually meant that zi have s lovely (small) house and that my DC are now in their 20s. And the men I met had also grown up DC. I couldn’t have juggled being as single parent with social life.

I think a lot of long-term marriages end up where you are OP.
It's just the reality of life, juggling work and kids, etc.
I think it depends on your children's age personally as I'm firmly against bringing an unrelated male into a home with children due to the risk factor and judging from comments from remarried women on MN, the grass isn't so much greener with children, but it is a lot more complicated.

I would try to rekindle what you had - your DH may think you're not into him any more. Try to set up a date night once a fortnight or once a month to see how things go. Relationships take work as you know.

The grass was eventually greener for me, but it wasn't immediately. It's a tough process, disentangling lives, but very much worth it in my case.

I think people need to be OK with the prospect of being single to get the most out of life. Those who regret ending a marriage are often the ones who leave in order to eventually meet someone else, rather than leaving because they feel no relationship is better than an unfulfilling one.

Grass was greener for me. I divorced a nice man with whom I was miserable. I hated who I had become with him. There was no intimacy and I felt like I had an extra child. I left him aged 42. Spent some years by myself by choice and was much happier. Then tried OLD and had some adventures and some disasters. Also experienced the best sex of my life. Am currently dating a lovely man and it seems to be going well so far. My kids handled the divorce well and ex and I coparent well most of the time.

It’s definitely not ideal and sounds miserable. But I left and 7 years on I spend my evenings alone. Impossible to meet anyone. Not sure what’s worse though, depends how unhappy it’s making you and how incompatible you are. Is there still love, respect, friendship. Only you can know those things, but I’d proceed with caution, the dating world is a shitshow.