Is the grass always NOT greener

[Timeislimited]

Currently living in a less than satisfying relationship! We’ve been together a long time, nearly 20 years and have two children! But there’s no longer any love. We’re just room mates bringing up children. Of an evening we have dinner, sort the kids out, he then goes the gym not back until 10/11pm whilst I read a book or watch tv and it’s that everyday on repeat, with a few arguments thrown in there over the weekends. There’s no kissing, cuddling, companionship etc… and I really miss having an emotional connection with someone.

Am I in the wrong to want something more than this, to want to feel loved by someone? Or do all relationships decline like this?
All I keep getting told by people is the grass isn’t greener, the dating pool for a nearly 40 year old is a cesspit etc and then it really gets me thinking, am I wanting something that doesn’t exist?

Greener for me.

I walked out on first husband after 15 years. I was early 30s ( married too young).

I've been with DH #2 now for 16 years (married 12) and i love him to bits and feel loved. A passionate love still, i still get butterflies when he looks into my eyes.

I hope you find what you're looking for OP 💐

Grass has been infinitely greener for me. I could have written your post two years ago and then I made the decision I’d been putting off for a few years. I am SO much happier. My home is peaceful and happy, I’m not walking on egg shells or fed up of being taken for granted.

I have a new partner who is amazing and who has made me so incredibly happy but even without him I wouldn’t regret my decision for a single second.

I remember my dad asking me how I felt a few days after I’d told him we were separating. The word that came to mind was relief.

I don’t hate my ex, we get on well and co parent well too. He’s happier now too and is living life whereas with me it felt like he’d given up.

I hope you can make a decision you feel at peace with, OP.

Do you have children?
If not, that changes everything.

Yes I do, as I say in my post, my ex and I co parent well. My children have adjusted really well and are growing up with two much happier parents. Their lives have changed and I’m sure they’d have preferred for us to stay together but I’m also sure they will understand why I made the decision I did. They already recognise that I’m happier and we all have much more fulfilling lives now.

I think the most important thing is that they have never seen my ex and me argue. They don’t know anything about our financial settlement and they have never heard me say a bad word about their dad (I don’t imagine he’s said a bad word about me either, but obvs don’t know). They know ensuring their ongoing security and happiness are the absolute priority for both my ex and me. Even though we both have new partners, their time with us is prioritised and my new partner is only around on their terms.

I was 12 when my parents separated, in similar circumstances to my own separation, and I learnt from them how to do it well. My ex said he wanted our children to have the divorced parents I had, not the ones he had, so we’ve committed to good co parenting. We live 10 mins from each other, have the children 50:50, make decisions together and communicate well with each other.

It is possible to do minimal damage to children but it requires both adults to put them, not their own hurt/ego/anger, first.

This gives me hope, I have visions of us actually getting on better Co parenting but separately! I know they would hate it initially but in time hopefully they could see it’s for the best.

I feel like I’ve tried so many times now to improve our relationship but I think it’s dead in the water now. Over time his moods and his childish behaviour when things don’t go his way have worn me down, I now have resentment so I don’t think there’s any coming back from that! After years of just wanting some affection and care which he just never shows, I’m left lonely anyway!

Ive probably stayed more years than I should have for the sake of the kids as they are what matters most…the grass may not be greener on the other side but it’s not green right now either.

Just had a read of your post and sorry your feeling this way too… it’s certainly no fun!
After being with someone so long the unknown is scary and definitely holding me back, it’s so hard to know if it will be any better separated or if eventually in time meet someone new but I think deep down for me, I just want to find some happiness back in myself and if that’s being single then im fine with that as currently I’m miserable.

I'm happy it's working out for you but your situation is rare.
Splitting up can cause lifelong trauma for children as can having an unrelated male living with them.

I don’t disagree with you but I also think parents staying together and making each other unhappy is damaging to children. When adults behave as parents and put their children first, separation can be minimally traumatic. I’m not naive enough to think we won’t have done any damage to our children but I also know they are thriving now, as am I.

I also agree about having an unrelated person (male or female) living with children can be damaging. That’s why my partner and I are taking things very slowly with the kids. The kids have met him and like him and they get on well but that’s a very different thing to living with someone. I don’t intend on taking that step for the foreseeable (if ever while the children are living at home).

i didn’t separate from my ex for a new relationship. I made the decision because I was desperately unhappy and I wasn’t the mum I wanted to be as a result. I stayed for several years to minimise the impact on the children. But ultimately the decision was for the best for all of us.

for me, the grass is definitely and immeasurably greener.

Honestly @Timeislimited you will get tales on here from smug posters saying they have 'never been happier' since leaving their DH/partner of many years, and their life is so amazing now. They have the remote control to themselves, they have peace and quiet, they can come and go as they please, they have LOADS of new friends, a wonderful new career, and lots of men desperate to date them.

The reality for most will be living alone and struggling financially, no - or very few friends, people picking sides (and choosing your DH because YOU are the one who left,) very little social life because so few friends, having to work all the hours God sends just to make ends meet - or a life on benefits... And a cesspit of absolute losers on internet dating sites, most who are either looking for a shag and nothing else, or are looking for a maid and a carer.

Truth is, the grass is NOT greener on the the other side for many. If a marriage is just OK, and you rub along together reasonably well, and there is no abuse or anything bad going on, the best option is usually to stay, especially when there are school age children involved.

I think it's a case of 'be careful what you wish for.'

As I said, you will get some posters insisting that leaving their husband was the best thing they ever did though... I do know a number of people who left their spouse, some because they were 'bored' and some because they (or their spouse) was shagging someone else and the marriage ended because of that...

Truth is, that many of them are no happier, or any better off. (Financially or otherwise.) Indeed some are LESS happy than they were with their ex. The grass is often NOT greener, for many.

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From your posts it seems like you are desperately unhappy with your situation and it’s been like this for a long time, which is very different to just rubbing along together through a difficult period. I also agree with pp that you may not be inundated with eligible bachelors when you split and your life may look very different. But different doesn’t necessarily mean worse.

I think in your shoes I’d be inclined to tell your dh in a very calm way exactly how you feel and discuss the specific things that have changed in your relationship that you would like to get back. I’d suggest marriage counselling, specifically Gottman Method as that has been invaluable to dh and I. And then I would step back and watch what he does in response. You are miserable anyway so don’t have anything to lose and if he is dismissive you know you have done your best to try and save the marriage and can move on with a clear conscience.

I’ve been where you are, with a husband who really isn’t trying and doesn’t seem to care, and it’s soul destroying. The only reason we are together now is that he is doing everything in his power to make up for his poor choices in the past. And to be honest, I’m not sure that will be enough to make up for all the hurt and neglect long term but I’m still here trying because I don’t want to lose my (admittedly grown up) family.

I can say with certainty that if he wasn’t making the effort it would have been game over a long time ago. Not because I’d be expecting to meet someone else, I think I’m too cynical for that, but because I know I could be happier alone than with someone who doesn’t demonstrate care for me. And as much as this whole process has been painful and horrible, my life is already infinitely better for drawing a line in the sand and refusing to compromise on the things that are important to me.

I really hope that you can find the right path and things improve for you @Timeislimited.

I haven’t found another man but I’m happier than I was when I was settling for that. At least you can cut out the having to sleep next to someone you’re not interested in and the shitty arguments. Plus he’d need to parent his children so you’d have some free time. Grass is greener for me even alone

I don’t think you should end the relationship unless you’re actually going to be content single - the dating scene isn’t exactly awash with eligible bachelors.

I am happier single than I was when I was married. I am also financially better off because my exh was financially controlling. I didn't leave thinking I wanted a new relationship though, I left because I wanted to be on my own. 4 years on and I am still happily single and I haven't found the desire to meet anyone yet although I did dip my toe into the dating pool, got put off and exited again within a few months.

If you are desperate to be in a new relationship you might find it quite hard, but if you'd rather be by yourself than with him you will probably be quite content.

No I don't think you're wanting something that doesn't exist, however, it's true that dating is probably a cesspit, especially for women, especially online.

The hard reality is that although a lot of unpleasant men manage to get women and sustain relationships with them for years, it's also likely that the worst ones will find themselves single in their 30s & 40s. That's going to increase as women age as they learn how to spot red flags earlier and have more life experience.

He just puts so little effort into our relationship, offers zero affection, constantly offloads his day on me but then I get nothing back in return, just so disinterested in what I have to say

No kissing or cuddling either? Your relationship sounds as if you're housemates at this point, and you can't pull the cart by yourself if he's refusing to pull or is pulling the opposite direction.

I'd say it's obvious that he's no longer attracted to you or interested in you as a whole person, just the services you provide, like offering a listening ear when he's stressed. That's not love. It's just using someone and taking from them.

However, unless you are financially able to leave comfortably, your children won't necessarily be better off if you split. yes, it's not great to see their parents in an unaffectionate relationship, but unless there is serious conflict, it's also not great for them to face the upheaval of the both of you suddenly having to downgrade your living standards due to splitting up, or facing the emotional insecurity of having step-parents in their lives they never asked for.

The problem is I don’t love him anymore, I know he’s not my person, we are way too different. I care for him as he’s the kids dad but that’s it, I don’t even like him as a friend anymore! I should have realised this many years ago and before the kids would have been super helpful ( I think I probably did know deep down now that we were too different) but here I am way too late now contemplating what to do!
I could carry on like this for the sake of the kids but they are witnessing two parents that are definitely dysfunctional! No love, no affection, no fondness and probably witness us sniping and bickering with each other far too much!
I wouldn’t want to bring another male into their lives though and I definitely wouldn’t want them to have another female in their lives so I guess my options are stick with how things are and really work on myself as a person to gain more happiness in my life or separate but stay single and hope he would too!

That's a miserable home situation for them, No love, no affection, no fondness and probably witness us sniping and bickering with each other far too much!

I separated from my ex after staying far too long. It was 100% the right decision. My ex-MiL, who really didn't want us to divorce, was exceptionally and unexpectedly gracious enough to say later on that it had clearly been the right decision and we were better parents apart than together.

Mind you if your husband behaves childishly and sulks, you might have to do some careful ego-management to make sure that he doesn't start blaming you to the children.

Full of men who pretend to be single, men looking for somewhere to park their backsides because they don't own a property, men who've been booted out by their previous partners and players with STDs.

I wouldn’t want to bring another male into their lives though and I definitely wouldn’t want them to have another female in their lives so I guess my options are stick with how things are and really work on myself as a person to gain more happiness in my life or separate but stay single and hope he would too!

You've got to stop setting up unrealistic and nonsensical barriers to change and your own happiness.

If you split up, he'd be perfectly at liberty to meet someone new - but what exactly is the problem with another 'female' being in their lives? They wouldn't love you less, you'd still be their mum - and she could be nice and a good person for them to know?

You wouldn't have control over it ... but I think your sense of control over the present situation is probably overinflated.

After all, he can't be happy in your marriage either. What's to stop him one day taking it out of your hands and saying he's done? Or meeting a 'female' and leaving?

Maybe you'd feel better about it because it won't be you being the "bad guy".

But seriously not splitting up with him in case he doesn't stay single is a bit fruitloops.

They were probably a wrong choice of words, what I was trying to say was I wouldn’t want two new people intergrated into our children’s lives ie other women or other men! Not until they were at least older. I wouldn’t intergrate a man into my life with children still being quite young so I hope he wouldn’t either. He doesn’t have to stay single though if he wants someone else that’s fine! A poster mentioned something earlier about keeping her partner at a distance from the kids and I thought that is something I’d prefer! This is a sticking issue, when I had children I imagined a tight close knit family unit, not a divorced one with only seeing kids half of the time. Maybe slight unrealistic in my views, I guess that why I posted on hear see other people set ups etc and how it’s worked out for them…

In regards to him leaving he never would! He’d much rather stay in a miserable marriage than leave me.

I wouldn’t intergrate a man into my life with children still being quite young so I hope he wouldn’t either. He doesn’t have to stay single though if he wants someone else that’s fine! A poster mentioned something earlier about keeping her partner at a distance from the kids and I thought that is something I’d prefer!

This is also what I did after splitting, as I didn't want to run the risk of picking wrong and making my kids miserable.

But I think staying in a miserable marriage is also bad for the children - as it's the model of relationships you're teaching them.

Cesspit is the wrong term. But options will be limited for those with children, as you will find a lot of dropoff in interest as soon as your children are mentioned.