Not really sure where to begin but I feel so lost and stuck and don't know what to do. Been with DH 20 years, I'm 51. 3 kids. Not married. Have been unhappy but putting up with things for about 5 years or maybe longer, he hasn't done anything majorly wrong and is a good dad, but there have been lots of small problems that have accumulated. Sackable offences I guess would be porn use, refusing to get a vasectomy, sleeping on the sofa a lot right from the early days, being bossy / mansplaining a lot. Lesser things that are a problem: lack of vision for the future, not getting stuff done with house repairs, not taking much interest in my career, not planning things or booking things and leaving everything to last minute. Like I said, not really terrible stuff but I've just got to the point where I feel we are not compatible. Another major issue I suppose is what I would call avoidance - not wanting to talk about the relationship, not facing up to things and communicating, going off and 'hiding' when things are tough. Also, if he read this, he would blame me for most of the things on the list. He would say he isolates because I am difficult, he would say he uses porn and sleeps on the sofa because I don't have as high a sex drive, etc etc. I am sick of all of this and feel like the teenage children are starting to take his side now too and see me as a problem and him as this fun, nice, poor put upon dad. This isn't really a fair picture.
There was talk of couples therapy for a while but with him being so avoidant I gave up on the idea in the end. I felt like we needed to be able to work together between the sessions in order to get something out of them, but I doubted he would do that. And maybe I just felt like, by the time he actually agreed to go to a therapist, I don't want to fix this, I've had enough.
The difficulty is, how do I get out? At times I want to run away completely but I could not do that to my kids. If we sell our house we won't have enough for 2 houses. We have no savings, no pension, etc.
Do I ask him to leave? Where would he go? And he has effectively done nothing wrong so how can I eject him from the family home?
We own the house jointly.
I just feel like I have no roadmap for this and don't know what to do.
Also I feel absolutely terrified of how the split will impact on my kids life, my future, being alone scares me especially as I will end up in a tiny house with no financial security - am I being stupid? Should I try to fix things so that I can keep the security of the family home for myself and my kids? Am I selfish to want to leave? I just don't love him any more, but I also feel like I don't know what love is anymore either. Maybe this is just what 20 years plus with someone is supposed to be like, and a lot of people out there are just 'putting up with it'? Maybe I should do the same.
If you've read this far, I'm grateful!