Dont have or want any friends?

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Does anyone not have any friends and doesn’t want any? I see loads of posts from women wanting to make friends but does anyone else have none and dont want any? Am I a freak? Is there something wrong with me? Tell me im not alone? I would like a partner though but have no interest in having friends and get fed up when people tell me I should be wanting friends and not a partner..

I'm exactly the same in fact can't think of anything worse but it stems from not wanting to let people in due to trauma and it's hard to find genuine people.. many secretly relish in people's downfall

See, that's really interesting to me. How did you meet your partner, do you mind me asking?

Or is the only difference that you wanted a partner and so were interested enough in that to both pursuing whatever course of action was necessary to find one? Whereas you don't want friends.

We are not together anymore we split years ago but we met online, it was social media but not specifically dating so I wasn’t actively looking for someone at the time but I find friendships harder because they require more consistent mutual effort. In romantic relationships, especially at the start, I’ve often experienced the other person taking the lead, which feels easier for me, the relationship was more driven by him. I would like to start dating again but people have told me not to look for love and to find friends instead but I don’t want friends.

Are you scared that if you do develop friends at school that they’ll turn on you like the friends did at school?

I’ve got a friend I made in lockdown through a Facebook post. The first time I met her she told me she was autistic and explained about it. That was good as I’m NT but it was good to know what to expect or how she’d behave.

Nothing wrong with dating and not making friends. The one thing I would say is with most friendships it requires mutual effort or as you say you might as well not bother. Even my friend’s son who’s on the spectrum has had to work at friendships with other autistic and NT people.

Oh no they are just not my type of people and I have nothing in common with them, my kids aren’t even friends with theirs. I find myself dreading if I bump into them I think they only started talking to me as we walk the same way.

Yes I find thats the case it takes a lot of effort on both sides which I find too difficult. My ex chased and pursued me so I found that easier.

But doesn't that limit your dating options quite significantly, if you are reluctant to make an effort and need to be 'chased and pursued' in a relationship?

Also, you say 'usually partners love you for you' -- but you also say you've split long since from your ex, so presumably being loved for you ended at some point, and it's necessarily not a permanent situation in any case? But that hasn't put you off trying again?

Again, don't want to sound as if I'm interrogating you. I'm just interested in a phenomenon I see a lot on here, where a minority of other posters do clearly feel what you feel, that forming and maintaining romantic/sexual relationships is an entirely different and separate thing to making and having friends.

We didn’t split for my lack of friendships there was lots of reasons why we split. I don’t think it does limit things ime anyway as men generally like to be the ones that chase and take the lead just speaking of my own experience when I was dating. My ex would want me back if it was an option but it isn’t.

Just a gentle observation here that the dynamic of preferring someone else to take the lead in romantic relationships is a factor in why a significant proportion of autistic people (and particularly autistic women) find themselves in relationships with abusive, coercive and controlling people at some point in their lives.

Not everyone who wants to take the lead and be in control has your best interests at heart, or loves you for you.

Some people unfortunately want to dominate their partner, and these people will seek out women they recognise as socially isolated, without anyone close to therm who will see what’s going on and intervene to protect them.

It’s a particular worry since you have children who would also be badly affected if you were to end up in an abusive relationship. Especially if your children are also autistic, and potentially socially vulnerable or unable to recognise red flags.

This may be why people advise you to avoid dating for now, and instead concentrate on building a diffuse support network. It doesn’t need to be close friends - just people who could keep an eye out.

Possibly but I wouldn’t get into an abusive relationship.

Absolutely this. Some men prefer women with no friends, and it's never for good reasons.

I would just say be careful as you might feel very differently when you're in your 70s/80s, especially if you have no partner or children. Through church involvement I have a lot to do with a large number of older people and it's very hard for those who literally have no one - I'm thinking of one lady who actually does have daughters and a mother, but she's estranged from all of them, her husband is dead and she has no friends. Church people help as much as they can as she has mobility issues, but it's not the same and she's very lonely and vulnerable.

It's always worth thinking ahead and making sure you've invested in relationships for the future.

I have children. I don’t tell men straight away i have no friends so wouldn’t be targeted in that sense, I tell people once I start getting to know them. With my ex i didnt tell him at all it just became obvious. Strangely enough the only person I know who has a string of abusive relationships is my sister who has loads of friends but she doesn’t listen to them so it hasn’t made a difference to her.

This is exactly the trouble, though - nobody thinks they’re going to get into an abusive relationship.

Nobody ‘gets into’ one anyway - relationships turn abusive over time.

And someone who needs to be pursued in order to get into a relationship at all is much more vulnerable and much less likely to spot red flags.

What generally happens is someone pursues you with great interest, treats you wonderfully, seems to really understand you, makes you feel safe and secure, and only once you are in a position where it would be quite difficult to leave (financially, logistically) he becomes controlling in insidious ways that make you doubt whether you’re perceiving things correctly. And by then you’re not sure if you can trust your own thinking or whether you’re causing his behaviour, and you can’t imagine how to get out, and you can’t picture what life would look like without him (not least because imagining the future, when it’s not what you’d expected it would be, can be tough for ND people anyway).

I see this a lot in my work with ND adults. Most often in hetero relationships, but also sometimes in same sex ones. And as often in cases where both partners are ND as NT/ND pairings.

None of this is intended to scare you or talk down to you - but just as something to be aware of with potential suitors.

No I see what you are saying but I’m good at spotting red flags and signs.

Sorry, I hadn't read the whole thread. In terms of the future then, you need to really focus on building strong relationships with your children as they grow into adults. We all have different capacity for relationships, so I don't think it's all about having friends - but you need to have enough good relationships in your life, which can include siblings, children, other relatives as well as friends.

I also think you should be cautious about looking for a partner, if you're wanting someone to pursue you.

It doesn’t matter whether you tell a partner you have no friends, or they realise it once you’ve got to know them a bit.

It’s a fact about you that quickly becomes clear to anyone who spends time with you, and it will make you particularly attractive to people who may have unwholesome reasons for wanting to be the only other adult in your life.

So just be careful, is all.

Even posting on MN is a way of cultivating a diffuse support network. Doesn’t need to be friends - just people who might help you see things differently if you’re in a tricky situation, and offer advice you might not find otherwise.

No I don’t want someone to pursue me maybe thats the wrong term just in my experience men are more leaders and prefer to chase again thats just my experience when I was dating, when I read on here women being advised to message first etc i just think nope 👎 men are use to taking the lead and most men dated actively tried to be with me

It took my ex months to realise I didn’t have any friends, we didnt live near each other so when he came down we only spent time together so it took a while before he noticed.

Fair enough, but be aware that means you are already selecting for people whose preference is to lead or chase or be in control, and a small subset of those will be men who are not open to sharing power or receiving influence from a partner.

And those types tend to be either extremely charming, or very, very direct and straightforward (in a way that looks like calm, stability and knowing what they want, until you realise it’s actually rigidity, entitlement and authoritarianism).

Absolutely to this. Friendlessness is an obvious sign of vulnerability.

Maybe but friends can also take advantage of you and use you, not just men or partners.

Nothing wrong with you at all, im a loner, have a husband and children and I have no friends. I've had them in the past and caused headache, unnecessary drama, gossips. Been used, it's so much peaceful and im doing just fine. Im also menopausal so I dont have the energy or patience for it.

Thank you! It’s nice to hear from someone in the same situation. The school mums who I referred to before seem to all gossip about each other and slag each other off when the other ones aren’t there. Too much drama for me to get involved in!