Abusive parent’s big birthday nightmare.

[DunDunDuuuuuuhh]

My parents were both abusive.
For clarity; I am in my 40s, our DCs are adults.

What do I mean by abuse?
Physical abuse including severe corporate punishment.
Starvation followed by an excess of feeding.
Knowledge that a family member was sexually abusing us and doing nothing about it with the exception of the favourite sibling.
Lying and gaslighting us so we were told our memories are false.
Emotional abuse.
There is more.

One of my siblings left home at 18 and never returned.

I know I am an idiot. Though in fairness I did have many friends. The friends I did have I did not tell them about the abuse because I thought it was normal and everyone was abused.

When I met DH we realised we had and were still both being abused by our parents.
DH went NC with his parents within 3 years.
Sucker that I am I went LC.

Now a very plush invitation has arrived in the post for my parent’s big birthday. They were born within months of each other.

Is it ok for me not to go?
If so do I not go and say something?
Or say nothing?

Yes I know I need to see a psychologist. It is difficult to find a good accessible long term psychologist.

Don’t go. It is always fine to not go, because you can do whatever you want to do. What anyone else thinks doesn’t matter. You are important.

Any of those are the right choice. You do what works for you.

If it was me, I’d instantly book a holiday for the same dates and ‘regrettably’ give my apologies.

I assume you have reasons why you chose to go LC rather than no contact. If you’re wanting to keep the peace for your own reasons, it’s also okay to briefly show up and leave quite quickly. It’s equally appropriate to tell them to F off if you want to.

Maybe a psychologist could help you talk through the options.

Unfortunately you’ll be on holiday on that date.

Don’t go. You owe your parents nothing. Just ignore the invite.

It is a fair point that I did not make clear in my op.

I went LC because I am still caught up in the trying to be a good daughter bullshit.

DH has always said that I should get rid.
He is right. Of course he is.
They still take their shit out on me and like an idiot I still take it.

It was waiting for me on the coffee table when I got home from work.
It feels like a radioactive presence in our home.
I know that sounds dramatic. I don’t want to look at it. Or touch it again.
I don’t even want to go into our front room.

I have been crying almost solidly since I saw it there.
DH did the right thing. He would not bin an invitation from them. It is my decision.
In fairness DH has always been right about them.

The problem is that deep down I know that they are terrible people.
So why have I always felt that it is me who is the terrible person?

Should you go?! I would think there was something very wrong with you if you DID go.

You feel like you are the terrible person because they’ve abused and manipulated you for years and still do by the sounds of it! Of course you don’t go, feign illness, go on holiday, do what you have to do- but good lord do not go!

Shred this invite loaded with fear, obligation and guilt and do not give this any more power than it already has any longer. If you want permission not to go have mine.

What happened to you was not your fault, that is all on your parents. You are not an idiot nor should you call yourself this and repeatedly, I guess you were called that a lot as a child.

Abuse thrives on secrecy.

If you are in the U.K. contact NAPAC as they work with people who suffered abuse in childhood. You may find them more helpful than someone like a psychiatrist . You may also want to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Don't go. Burn the invitation. Look at the Stately Homes threads on here.

You have always felt like a terrible person because their abuse did what it was designed to do. Abuse diminishes you till you have no self worth left.
Think about how you would treat and love a child then compare it to how they treated you. They only want you at their party to look good to others

Don’t go , ignore it and if /when they ask why you didn’t attend just say ‘ I’ve been thinking about all the child abuse I suffered from you and it disgusts me , so no I didn’t want to celebrate with you !
That’s prob the wrong answer because they may enjoy the fact that it still bothers you but I couldn’t ignore any longer and would need to confront them about it , without expecting any ownership / apology etc . They will never take ownership or accept any wrongdoing and will believe their own denial shit but they would cringe at the thought of you speaking up and possibly outing them to other people …. I’d like to know Attila meerkats opinion on outing them . She’s a wise (woman i presume)

"Is it ok for me not to go?"
Perfectly OK. I would burn the invite and not go.

"If so do I not go and say something? Or say nothing?"
Saying nothing -when you're not NC yet and still caught up in being a good daughter- leaves the door open to worrying about what they might think, what they might say to you or to other people etc. You don't owe them anything, but being 'on holiday', as PPs suggested, is a neat excuse and protects you.

Having a DH who's already taken the NC path with his family may be both a help and a hindrance. You can only go at a pace that feels right for you -needs to be a bit faster than what feels 'comfortable', but not too fast.

For years I paid for therapy the equivalent of a small mortgage. Had to forgo holidays and other luxuries, but it was worth every penny.

I am so sorry OP

Do what I do when I recieve mail from my estranged parent, tear it in half and toss in the bin without reading.

Burn the invitation, book a holiday for that date so you won't be tempted to attend.

Book a therapist to work through your traumatic childhood & slowly learn to detached & go nc.

Your physical reaction to the invitation is giving you the answer. Don't go- you don't owe them anything. Don't stress about it, or feel guilty. Ask your dh to chuck the invitation in the outside bin.

You are not an idiot OP and you are not a bad person. Shred or burn the invitation, or ask DH to do it if you don't want to look at it again.

As above, a specialist organisation dealing with childhood abuse could be a good starting point, rather than a psychologist.

Perhaps see their milestone birthdays as a time to decide to go NC. You were a child, and they let you down completely, so time to cut them out completely - and before they get too old or infirm and start leaning on you for help and care.

You don't have to be a good daughter to shit parents.

And there is always time to change the LC to NC.

It's totally understandable that you don't want to participate in their charade of what good wonderful people they are at their big birthday party.

I'm sorry those things happened to you.

Also , you’ve decided to go low contact ! I’d have a serious think about this and consider no contact. No contact gives them no dotted line to put on you , continue to invite you to things to play happy families but more importantly, they will soon need you more than ever as they get older , one dies and the other is left on their own , hospital appointments, care needs , shopping , cleaning , socials , paperwork etc etc etc the list is endless . This is when they ramp up with the guilt trips , the demands , the sympathy , your time , their needs . This is when their abuse gets worse and continues with the bad daughter guilt trips and your mind will become overwhelmed with guilt and shame , making things harder to walk away . You’ll be invited to lots and lots of pity parties then , probably 3 a week so if you understandably are struggling with this one party , you’ll really struggle with the many pity party’s you’ll be invited to . They don’t deserve you and your low contact , they don’t deserve any help from you , any care from you and certainly not any guilt from you so please consider no contact now to protect yourself .

Of course it’s ok for you not to go. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.

I wouldn’t go, i wouldn’t even respond. You owe them nothing.

I have no experience in this so this is just my view. I kind of see this type of scenario as like an addiction. Go completely no contact. It’ll be hard at first but it will get easier. You owe them absolutely nothing.

I’m absolutely stunned that none of this abuse was picked up when you were a child!
Just throw the invitation away…

I'm just posting to offer complete support to no contact.
How fucking dare they.
As an abused child I told my sister. She called me a liar throughout my life. I choose NC with her and I don't regret it. She's a bully, your parents are that and many more.
Sending love sweetie.

You owe them nothing.
You can choose to be free.

You feel you may be a terrible person, because baby you learned certain tactics to survive. Those tactics told you that your parents weren’t that bad, because if they were you’d be living in terror. Baby you has to believe she can survive her parents if she just behaves well enough. Baby you has to believe she has a way to survive- head down, nose clean, prove you are perfect so you will be protected and they won’t punish you.

You owe them nothing. Tell Baby you that it’s ok, you have survived, you got away, you can grow some new strategies now. You can be free.

As it's having that effect on you, the answer is obvious. Bin the invitation and forget you ever received it. Ideally, book a holiday for that week so that you are far away and there is no question of you being pressured to change your mind. Make this your chance for a complete break.

I understand.

In this case you are allowed to not go. You are allowed to do whatever YOU want. There are no shoulds or musts that apply to you as far as these people go.

I know it is difficult, but in this situation you are allowed to be “wrong” in their eyes, you are allowed to disappoint them and be a ‘bad’ daughter (in their eyes).

You are allowed to burn the invitation, or say “I can’t make it” And give No excuse!

But because it’s so hard in these situations, I have in the past said I’d go and cancelled at the last moment due to “illness”. I don’t like lying but if you can’t say no and don’t want to go, it’s the only option left.