Abusive parent’s big birthday nightmare.

[DunDunDuuuuuuhh]

My parents were both abusive.
For clarity; I am in my 40s, our DCs are adults.

What do I mean by abuse?
Physical abuse including severe corporate punishment.
Starvation followed by an excess of feeding.
Knowledge that a family member was sexually abusing us and doing nothing about it with the exception of the favourite sibling.
Lying and gaslighting us so we were told our memories are false.
Emotional abuse.
There is more.

One of my siblings left home at 18 and never returned.

I know I am an idiot. Though in fairness I did have many friends. The friends I did have I did not tell them about the abuse because I thought it was normal and everyone was abused.

When I met DH we realised we had and were still both being abused by our parents.
DH went NC with his parents within 3 years.
Sucker that I am I went LC.

Now a very plush invitation has arrived in the post for my parent’s big birthday. They were born within months of each other.

Is it ok for me not to go?
If so do I not go and say something?
Or say nothing?

Yes I know I need to see a psychologist. It is difficult to find a good accessible long term psychologist.

I agree so much with PP: your physical reaction to the invite speaks volumes.
I would burn it, symbolically and literally removing it from your life with no chance of retrieval.
You don't have to respond to it either, and booking something lovely to do on that date will give you a different, better memory of that date.
You are feeling bad because they have spent your whole life training you, and that you took the steps to become LC is a tremendous achievement. Make NC your next step. Others have mentioned organisations that may help directly or point you in the right direction, you could spend that toxic date exploring these options, or do it beforehand and go see someone (whether for advice and guidance or for your first therapy session) on that date.

Your body is giving you a clear message; don't go to something that is causing you such strong physical distress.
Good luck and good mental health 💐💐💐
Edited for typos

Highlighting this for it's clear and excellent advice

Its an invitation
You have the choice whether to go or decline

The issue is your parents used FOG
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
to control you

What they did to you is appalling
Decline and go NC
Please get some trauma counselling

Let us not pretend they don't know what they did. They might not acknowledge it, but they know.
They also know you know.
Abuse only lives in silence and your families pattern of interaction includes that.
They think their "pattern" is so much a part of you that they can parade you Infront of their friends and it will hold you silent still.

If you are going to not go..and I thoroughly recommend you dont, why not be clear.

If you lie about the reason you will not go you both know its a lie, but you are still protecting them, and giving them fuel to criticise you, because the silence is implicit.
So how about..

"Dear mum and dad, I'll be delighted to come to a gathering of people that know you. However you should be aware I am openly talking about all the abuse I received from you both and how shocking this is to look back on . I will be happy to share stories and ask questions and opinions on this theme to your group of friends.
I have returned this invitation because i thought you should know the only terms on which I can accept it.
Feel free to resend if this is acceptable. Otherwise. Fuckitybye."

I would ignore their invitation along with shredding it. Do not give this any more power.

What they want from you is a response and that to abusive people like your parents is the reward so do not give them this. People like your parents do not and never do play by the "normal" rules of familial engagement.

A response from you keeps the door of communication open to further responses from them; in your case a door that should never be opened again. You owe your parents nothing here, least of all a relationship.

Normally Attilla I agree with you. But this relationship has had no ending yet, i think if the op ignored them the parents would get intouch again and again. They would have a public pity party and the op would be dreading what was coming next for as long as her parents chose to drag it out. And she would be defamed infront of her parents friends and probably some of her relatives.

The only thing that would stop this is her taking back the power. Silence is their power, do speaking out is hers.

Of course, it’s fine for you not to go. I haven’t acknowledged my mum’s birthday in 5 years. She does acknowledge mine by sending me an email telling me how awful I am though. 😂 Email is the only channel of communication I keep open so someone can email me when she dies.

You put you first. I would be clear you don’t plan to attend. Don’t just ignore. Rip the plaster off and move on rather than dragging it out. But you deserve a safe, fulfilling life. You can set this down now.

Of course you don’t go. If the mere presence of the invitation makes you feel like this then how awful would going feel. Decline.
Now decide to go no contact after this. Put yourself first for once. They add nothing positive to your life.

Having spent the night awake I have been thinking and thinking.

Work has given me three days off. I still have some holiday carried over from last year that they are desperate for me to take. This request was no biggie for them.

I am Gen X. People did not believe in child abuse when I was a child.

You are all correct.
I am not going.
It is time for full NC.
DH is in full support of this.
DH would support whatever I chose.

They do only want me at their party to show off to friends and local dignitaries.

In the past I have spoken to my parents about their abuse of me and my siblings.
My parents deny gaslight and say I was a difficult child.
My absent sibling will not be there.
The only two there will be the stoic and the golden child.

In my very early teens I had a breakdown.
Everyone knew. The whole community.
Telling people at their party about the abuse would make it too easy for my parents to say “she is mad”.
I would not be believed and it is too easy to say I misremembered.
Going and outing them is a road to hell and possibly another breakdown.
Fuck that shit.

Letting them know that I will not be attending will open up a conversation.
No.
Fuck that shit.

As I will not reply it is very possible that they will chase me up by turning up on our doorstep.
We have dogs with big barks and a full suite of Ring cameras.
We do not have to let them in.
Fuck that shit.

I have already blocked their numbers.
Their emails go to spam.
When I went LC I thought fuck that shit.

We will just not turn up.
Fuck that and fuck that shit.

To everyone who has posted so far may you bear many sons. (This is a joke).
Or daughters.
Or suns.
Or killer careers.
Or all of those things.
Or none of them.
I wish you whatever you want.
You do you.

My gut reaction to your responses has clarified the course of action I need to take.
I am pitifully grateful.
And now I am going to have a kip before I read through your kind words and start crying again.

I have this exact situation potentially coming up. I am thinking how to avoid it. One is to agree (if pressured) and then say my car has broken down, waiting for AA etc, which all takes so long that oooops, missed the party. The other is to be ill on the day. Or unavoidably on holiday.

Enjoy your nap. Here’s to a happier future for you.

Well done, OP! Congratulations. Enjoy your nap, and the rest of your life freely saying ‘Fuck that shit!’!

Well done. 👍

Nap done.

Have woken up and I feel even more sure about my stance. Thanks to everyone here. Than I do now.

Do you feel a weight off your shoulders, does your mind feel totally relieved ? Do you feel lighter in you body as if you’ve just let drop the emotional heavy backpack you’ve been carrying for years . Or do you feel unsure , scared , guilty (no reason to) . How do you feel since making this decision of nc ?

DO NOT GO!!! Do continue to seek a therapist to help you process what you've gone through which sounds genuinely horrendous. When you are ready, you can move from LC to NC in your own time.

Stay strong and don't go. Burn the damned invitation, or at the very least, rip it into a thousand pieces.

NC is absolutely the right decision for you.

It is a relief.

This will sound mad but the positive reinforcement of everyone posting here feels as though I have been given permission.
Which is why one of my PPs kept saying fuck that shit.

As I was going through the options I was thinking them through and thinking Nope No Not That Either.
I went through the list until I got to something which felt comfortable for me.
It was quietly liberating.

I am in touch with our absent sibling.
Other than DH this is a secret.

Even so the weight of being the only one in the family to constantly try and fail to be the good girl made me feel like I was in the wrong.
The only one of the band marching out of step.
This has kept me convinced that they are right and I am wrong.

The instant reactions of everyone here to get them straight out of my life has galvanised me.
It made me realise that no it is not just me.

How does it feel?
Like a 15 stone gorilla has been removed from my chest.
It feels right.

DH disposed of the invitation this morning.

Despite it being bad manners I am not going to RSVP.
That would give them energy,

Your feelings matter and are very valid in this instance , remember that ! You owe them nothing .

It’s definitely ok for you not to go and you could also allow yourself the gift of going NC with them.

I’m so happy for you that you’ve made a decision. The weight that has been lifted sounds immense

All I can wish you is peace - it sounds like you deserve it x

Op I’m am very sorry you had this childhood of abuse. I am not qualified to offer any advice.
I'm very happy you have found a strong sane man in your DH and you have each others backs. Wishing you a lifetime of strength and happiness together

occasionally I get discouraged with MN and think it’s time to stop reading altogether. So many weird garbage tenacious posters who are unkind to the OP but today I am rallied by the community of MN and their insightful intuitive and helpful responses to you.

😘to you. Hope your time away is really nice.

Bravo, OP.

Well done op glad you made a decision you feel good about. If they contact you to ask for a decision, which they likely will, I would just text them and say sorry you can't be there you have xyz engagement. A polite message will work quicker to establish a boundary and close down the conversation than any accusations etc which would open the flood of contact again.