Partner arrested, that's that then

[Gardenalia]

I got a visit from a police officer last night. It was a safeguarding visit as it turns out my now-XP has been arrested for possession of extreme pornography. I had no idea of course, it was a massive shock (understatement).

The PO was concerned for my safety as XP had been released and had told them he was coming to my house. But I had no worries for my safety at all: I know he is a coward - which 'man' who uses such stuff is not?? - so I locked everything up, put a note on the door telling him to fuck off but leave my key, and waited. In due course I heard him outside. He evidently read the note (he took it), decided I was serious about calling the police if he tried to get in - which would be a disaster for him - left the key and fucked off. I will never see his gross face again.

God I'm so fucking livid! Most of all for the victims of this type of pornography (well, all porn) and for his daughters. Yes, he has daughters. Just...fucking...how? How can someone victimise women in this way when they have daughters?

I'm also livid for me. I'm 63, we had a pleasant time together for 7 years, but this is now the end of the road for me and men/sex. I wanted to choose for myself when I would finally give up on the revolting creatures but my hand has been forced. I hate that.

Just posting because I won't tell anyone IRL but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'll just say I got bored of him so we went our separate ways ho hum.

But inside I'm fucking RAGING!

Thank you for the update. I love it, getting on with projects and you life. Glad you were able to confide in those closest to you

I want to buy a teasmade and call it Mrs Doyle now.

A former friend of mine struck up a relationship with a local chap who is known to be on the sex offenders register (and everyone knows why)- left her husband for him.

It was at that point that our friendship ended.

You, on the other hand, OP, I’d be proud to be friends with.

Dogs are the way forward! What kind is yours?

Cheering you on OP! I'm here too thinking that it's just so many men that are twisted and awful.... they walk among us. I am SO much less trusting of men nowadays.
How did the police discover he had possession of it?

This has recently happened to my best friend, married 45 years and a police swoop on the house to remove all gadgets. Now he’s on the sex offenders registers and a suspended prison sentence, her retirement travelling plans now solo.
Re the teasmade
We looked into one but you still have to go down to the kitchen in the morning to get milk then take it down to wash etc - I bought a small round tray, an extra kettle 2 pretty mugs and teapot and we have a pot of tea every morning in bed ( we are retired)

My oldest friend had exactly the same experience. I have heard so many horror stories over the years that I no longer trust the majority of men. There are several men in my street I look at with suspicion. No doubt it isn’t always fair, but there it is.

Whenever I meet some “sweet old man,” I often think “yeah, and what is that sweet old man hiding? What things has he done in the past that no one ever found out about? Is he on the dark web at night looking up awful things? Did he abuse his little stepdaughter 30 years ago?”

That may sound paranoid, but I have been let down SO many times it has made me cynical. Off the top of my head:

• Nice local handyman who’d been to my house many times to repair stuff. Later found out he used to go to Thailand and sleep with child prostitutes.
• Uncle caught filming young girls in local park.
• Friend’s 32-year-old son caught arranging to meet a 13-year-old girl he’d met online (turned out to be the police).

Then there are the endless horror stories I’ve heard from friends over the years. One was abused by her grandmother’s partner when she was a child. Others were abused or spied on as teens by their mother’s boyfriends, etc.

Thank you. I think I’m a good friend, mother, daughter, colleague. I am a poor judge of men though!

I don’t know for sure how the police became involved. I suspect he was part of a group, so when one gets found, it all comes crashing down. Kudos to the police!

God, yes, that’s so true. The terrifying thing is how ordinary a lot of these monsters often are. The shocking thing about the Pellicot case wasn’t her scumbag husband. It was the men who joined in the abuse - postmen and plumbers and office workers, often with wives and kids of their own.

I remember a poster on MN writing that she dealt with men caught grooming underage girls, or viewing indecent images, and that the vast majority were very nice and ordinary. Others were in their late teens, good-looking, from loving families, etc. Nothing like you’d expect.

They don’t see themselves as monsters, they just think they are entitled to satisfy their urges in any way they see fit without consequence. Somehow society enables, even condones, that. I do despair 😔

The one and only time I had a relationship with someone who had DC, he had two young daughters.
I realised over time he treated their mother badly and that I would be next, so that was that.
What stuck in my mind is that his constant need to tell me what men ‘really think’ and to this day it turns my stomach…

• all men no matter their age want to sleep with young teenage girls of 12/13/14.
• when a man meets your friends he places them in order of who he wants to sleep with.
• the same with your sister, and possibly your mother.
• a man can’t have a female friend.
• men don’t really like women, they are there for sex and looking after the home.

When I asked him how that fitted with his daughters he said they were different, they were his and not replaceable.
But every female wife or partner was replaceable in his own words…. every hole’s a goal, Jade.
He was middle class, what you’d consider traditional family upbringing, the life and soul of the party and he ended up making my skin crawl.
One of his daughters asked me a question about periods once which I tried to answer appropriately. He actually thanked me for that but then told me I still absolutely revolted him when I got my own period.
No he wasn’t a sex offender, but his views on women and young girls was awful. He was always commenting on teenage girls and even did it in front of his daughters.
God knows where he is now.

No they're not but an experience like this makes taking the risk not worth it.

You're either a man or a married women. At this age, the only unattached ones are very very recently single or hugely flawed or disgusting.

I agree with the OP. They're revolting.

Man 2 doors down from me. Open about going to Thailand and India 2 or 3 times a year. Has 'girlfriends' there. He's 70. Has a daughter. Retired teacher. He's a sex tourist. Masquerades as a nice middle class guy. Urgh.

It makes you wonder doesn’t it, what men are actually for any more. It really does. Imean this vile loser can be easily replaced with a teasmade. (Is that how you spell it?) then really, it’s no wonder they are becoming redundant.

Natural selection and evolution need to catch up FAST. And families of boys (I am in one) need to invest major time and energy into counteracting all the toxic masculinity out there influencing them.

F-ing disgusting. What disgusts me even more is that when I found out about this guy my partner laughed. When he saw that I didn’t find it funny, he immediately backtracked and pretended to be disgusted too. These days, I am very suspicious of older men who regularly disappear to Asia. In the past, naive fool that I am, I assumed they just liked the culture or climate.

I had a similar experience at work. A girl in our office said her landlord had once offered her a discount on the rent in exchange for sex. She’d been young and vulnerable and he tried to take advantage. The men in the office either laughed or sided with the landlord. In fact, one guy angrily and aggressively defended the landlord and couldn’t see what the problem was.

I’m glad you have told people close to you OP. Despite him living far from you these stories have a habit of appearing on social media. I recently saw a story on social media about the son of a former family friend who had been jailed for very serious child abuse. He lives hundreds of miles from us and we had no mutual friends or connections. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Just a brief point, OP. Don't make the mistake of thinking that being pathetic and inadequate makes a man less dangerous.

In my experience, the opposite is true. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you. I am taking care of myself and everything I hold dear I think, but I refuse to live in fear of him or anyone else. We all have the capacity to be dangerous, not just loser men like him. I’m bigger than him, and my dogs are bigger than his dog.

I know that sounds mad, but just like shame should swap sides, so should fear.