Partner arrested, that's that then

[Gardenalia]

I got a visit from a police officer last night. It was a safeguarding visit as it turns out my now-XP has been arrested for possession of extreme pornography. I had no idea of course, it was a massive shock (understatement).

The PO was concerned for my safety as XP had been released and had told them he was coming to my house. But I had no worries for my safety at all: I know he is a coward - which 'man' who uses such stuff is not?? - so I locked everything up, put a note on the door telling him to fuck off but leave my key, and waited. In due course I heard him outside. He evidently read the note (he took it), decided I was serious about calling the police if he tried to get in - which would be a disaster for him - left the key and fucked off. I will never see his gross face again.

God I'm so fucking livid! Most of all for the victims of this type of pornography (well, all porn) and for his daughters. Yes, he has daughters. Just...fucking...how? How can someone victimise women in this way when they have daughters?

I'm also livid for me. I'm 63, we had a pleasant time together for 7 years, but this is now the end of the road for me and men/sex. I wanted to choose for myself when I would finally give up on the revolting creatures but my hand has been forced. I hate that.

Just posting because I won't tell anyone IRL but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'll just say I got bored of him so we went our separate ways ho hum.

But inside I'm fucking RAGING!

Thank you for your good wishes. However, I dispute your claim. I thought he was a decent one. I thought my father and my brothers and my XH blah blah were all decent ones, but - when it comes to sex and attitudes towards women - in the end they weren't, and I really don't think that is at all unusual. Men in this age group are revolting, it just takes digging to find out.

Anyway, I can't really view this as a tragedy for me, though it is for his victims and his daughters. When I divorced 10 years ago I had no plans to enter into another relationship, I got kind of side-tracked into it (for all my revulsion at men, I do like sex. And tea). I'm glad it's all over, I feel free to get back on track with my life. Still fucking livid at that useless streak of gristle and bone, but I'll get over it in time!

Thank you fir sharing. I admire your strength. Globally, with what has been revealed recently with the Epstein files, Gisele's case etc, women everywhere are looking at the men in their lives and wondering what do they really, deep down think of us.

What a vile thing to discover, OP. You sound so bloody strong and fierce and I hope this sorry event doesn't change that.

It's a dog, Netflix and a toy rabbit for you now, lady!

Indeed it is! Luckily I already have dogs (one of the reasons why he skulked off last night I think, and also why I don't feel at all scared). I can enjoy a much wider range of entertainment, both screen-based and live, now the boring old git has gone. Though I've put all the sex toys in the rubbish, I may reconsider that at a later date 🤔.

Nah, there's SO much more to life than men....

Ugh I feel sick for you! Well done on being so decisive and firm! Enjoy your man free life!

Was going to recommend you a dog, OP, but you’re already there. I‘m just about to divorce mine and replace him with a dog. I already have one dog and now I can have two. He won’t have them on the bed, either, so they’ll be happy when they’re invited in as hot water bottles. Couldn’t give a monkeys about sex since menopause and I make better tea than he does, so the positives are multiple.

Those that have had the shame of finding out a “partner” was a perv… I get the shame (found out my xp was making “indecent images of MY child”…. I get that shame (and in my case guilt) but it’s not ours to own. We didn’t do those things. We are only guilty of seeing good in people who hid their depravities well because they were master manipulators. Be PROUD that you had the strength to end it and remove that scum from your life because too often we hear about people who don’t have that strength and instead find ways to excuse it.

I don't think I have anything to add but what a shock.

I don't think I would tell others you got bored of him I would be inclined to say he wasn't the man you thought he was and leave it at that.

Do you need to change the locks?

I think if I said that, people would be intrigued and wouldn't let it drop. They will totally swallow the 'boring' line and move on!

I refuse to change the lock because that would indicate (to me, more than anyone else) that I was scared - and I'm not. Nor am I willing to waste money. Arggh, I may change my mind on it, who knows?

Yes, a big big shock. I didn't sleep last night, just went through my phone, deleting all images of him. Only six more years to get through!

Fair enough if you think that would make it easier for you 100%

You can change you mind on the locks. I wouldn't see it as being scared, but instead as a fresh start where you know for sure who has your key.

If you use google photo's you might be able to search for his face and delete the pics quicker.

Good for you OP.

Your anger and disgust are serving you well.

I am glad the police took your safety seriously. And came to tell you he was coming to your house. Keep their number handy.

I did try that on Google photos, to no avail for some reason. It worked for his dog though! I will miss the dog...

They really were good. The neighbourhood constable who came to the house gave me the number of the detective sergeant who was the arresting officer, and I spoke to them on the phone three times last night - they couldn't have been more supportive. Equally that means they really were worried about my safety of course...

Anyway, I've told them I'm happy to assist their enquiries in any way I can, but I don't want to be kept updated on the case. I guess there is a chance the police have made a mistake of course - they do, we all know that - but somehow I just don't think they have.

I agree with this. There’s a good chance at some point he’ll be in the local paper and people you know will see it. Then they’ll know why you split up.

I had a friend a few years ago whose partner was convicted for child abuse images. She told anyone who asked, no way was she feeling shame or guilt for something she didn’t do, and neither should you.

There's equally a chance that they might find stuff that is even worse. And the police might already know / suspect things that they didn't disclose to you.

It is quite common for more evidence to be revealed at trials that the perpetrator had not mentioned in their account to f&f and how it's 'all a mistake / been blown out of proportion / they are being made an example of, unjustly...blah blah'.

And if it does go to trial people you know will read about it - so you might want to be prepared for that and know when the date is from the police.

Onwards, upwards and far away from him, OP.

These men make my skin crawl.

I worked in prisons for many years and I have to admit that I loved it 95% of the time.
But I ended up leaving because it chips away at you and you don’t realise.

It was dealing with these men who are not just attracted to kids or enjoy weird sex or odd fantasies etc but who get off on the pain and fear of women, children and animals - it’s literally ingrained in them to want to see women in pain and suffering.

And what I found worse was that these men weren’t unemployed, unsociable or creepy etc - they were the nicest guys you can meet with good jobs, loving families, lots of friends etc - the ones you’d feel safe and comfortable around.

There are so many more men like this than we realise and I hate it because there are decent men but you just cannot tell who they are until something like this happens.

Have a think. Could you say "He was arrested for illegal images on his computer. I don't know the details and I don't want to talk about it. I had no idea about it, and I will have no further contact with him at all. He is out of my life and that's all there is to it. The police are dealing with it, that's all we need to know"

Thanks, I will think more on this. I'm literally not seeing anyone IRL for nearly two weeks, so I have time to think it through. A key element is that he lives a long way away - not with me, thank goodness! - so the local paper thing doesn't worry me. I'm not on social media (except MN, of course - thank fuck for anonymity)

It's not guilt or shame, it's that I don't want to waste my breath talking about him.

I'm absolutely certain the police know/suspect a great deal more than they told me, and will find out more no doubt. I may call them again down the line about court dates etc but I don't want to actually KNOW any more.

That's a really good line, thank you.

Sorry this happened to you.

I definitely feel for older women as I think you are correct that a lot of older men are disgusting. My DM is the same age as you and is a lovely, beautiful, amazing woman but her whole life she has just had loser after loser. The same with my auntie who is 67. On the other hand my DH who is 38 (who I have been with since I was 20) is absolutely wonderful. Of course there will be a lot of loser younger men out there too but I think there are definitely generational differences.

I'm very impressed with all the practical and helpful advice you're getting here. I'm sorry mine was a bit crap in comparison, but I love your attitude!

You sound like a really impressive woman OP. What a relief to read about a woman who instantly evicts such a man from her life instead of ‘sticking by him’ as some women seem to do; unable to accept the truth about the man they are sharing their life with.

Good for you. I wish you a very happy and peaceful man-free life with your dog. 💐

I’ve got a teasmade OP. She’s a she. And she has a name, but that will be outing. Let’s call her Ethel.

I have her in the kitchen as she’s a bit of a noisy bugger, I use her to make tea all day long. She makes just about the right amount by my putting the right amount of water in the teapot and then pouring it in the water container for it to boil.

I got her after my lovely DH passed away as he always made the tea and I was mega fed up of having to make my own tea (Tbag in a cup job, fed up of fishing it out) Ethel brightens my day by not having to make the tea. She makes it I just pour it out.

Sorry to hear about your XDP, good to know the police were on the ball. Hope you are okay.

Well done OP, a disgusting 'man'